Married to someone with Asperger's? Support group here! (Thread 3)

[ChangerOfNameAspieThread]

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of their relationship with someone with ASD. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.
(ASD partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong.)

Some resources from the threads so far:
www.theneurotypical.com/effects-on-differing-nd-levels.html
www.maxineaston.co.uk/cassandra/
I've probably missed some, but will try to gather them later and put in a comment for the next thread!

Previous threads:
1st thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3281058-Is-anyone-married-to-someone-with-Aspergers
2nd thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3325419-married-to-someone-with-asperger-s-support-group-here

@peekyboo sorry! And toStonecoldstone! There isn't a list of books on the first list! I was sure I'd put a list together!

Ok so there's Marriage and Lasting Relationships with Aspergers Syndrome. This does not refer to NT people but Aspergers and non-Aspergers partners which I liked. Also switches sex of each partner each chapter so it's not Aspie= Male stereotype.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Marriage-Relationships-Aspergers-Syndrome-Spectrum/dp/1849059993/ref=mpssa115?ie=UTF8&qid=1548005232&sr=8-5&pi=ACSX2366SY340QL65&keywords=aspergers+long+term&dpPl=1&dpID=51vYnU3ab5L&ref=plSrch

I've got to run but I'll be back later.

OK. I find it quite unfair that you asked me to delete the link to your thread yet won't delete your unfair comments. However anyone will be able to find should they search for your username in any case and they can judge for themselves. I am happy my comments are there for anyone who wants to see.

I did not derail your thread in the slightest. The "pop" at the end was simply noting your hypocrisy when you (correctly) stated that only medical professionals should diagnose a patient when they have personally examined the patient whilst also stating (unfairly) that it was acceptable for your own therapist to remotely diagnose your DH based on what you had told him/her. Do you really stand by that? Was that unfair of me to state?

And for the love of god stop going on about the screenshots! I took my comments to my therapist as I wanted to understand what I'd done that was wrong. I obviously had to show her other comments for context (some of which were subsequently deleted by MN). I am actually trying to learn if/when I'm wrong. Does that make things any less "bewildering"? It was one session. I've not mentioned it since July.

Further, this is social media - not a secret FB group. Everything that you or I post is in the public domain, irrespective of whether they are subsequently deleted or not. You don't strike me as particularly intellectually challenged but perhaps I have misjudged that given neither you, nor changer are grasping that.

@ChangerOfNameAspieThread

Thanks, I haven't seen that one.

This is the one I was wanting to mention, sorry if it's come up before. There are 3, from NT and ASD viewpoint. This is the first one.

www.amazon.co.uk/Guide-your-Aspie-Crazy-World-ebook/dp/B00C7PIQAW?tag=mumsnetforum-21

Hedgehog, i think you should drop it, as a fellow aspie/whatever the approved term is now. These people have made a thread for support, to escape the kind of picking and constant correction we do and here you are, acting like their partners but online. I'm a ninja level social masker and i know you'll be triggering these NT folks with it. 'Winning' here doesnt matter, this is about NTs feelings and its not logical, all that will be thpught about or remembered is how bad you made them feel and how nasty you were, not what your point was. If you really want to learn, JUST read like i do and discuss it with your therapist later - if anything, you're skewing the results of the behavioural observation by wading in!

I don't want to continue to engage @AusticHedgehog and so allow this thread to be sort of derailed, but you've got your facts wrong.

It wasn't my therapist who suggested that DH had Aspergers, nor did they do so remotely.

I've just checked the thread - I said it was our child's psychologist and also our couples therapist who thought he may have ASD. On both occasions, my DH was present when this was discussed - in fact on both occasions it was him who had first raised it by saying he thinks he's "on the spectrum". They both gently agreed he may be, it was worth checking out. He told the child psychologist as part of our DC's assessment that DC1 got [the autistic traits we were discussing] from him and his side of the family. I explained this several times on my thread.

We'll have to agree to disagree about whether you derailed my other thread. I think you did or tried to and you don't. So be it.

@OnlineAlienator it is logical when it's about facts. AutisticHedgehog hasn't got hers right. You're welcome to check my thread and see that for yourself and PM me with any observations.

Well AH may think they are correct and then we're here all night discussing who's facts were right. I love a fact as much as anyone, but this thread isnt for that and given what it IS for it's ironic thats what it's turned into!

I agree this thread isn't here for that. But I do object to AH pulling me up on something I apparently said about my family members that I clearly didn't say. It's not ambiguous or open to interpretation - what I wrote is there in black and white.

Anyway ... Moving on. DH and I had a first session with a new counsellor yesterday. Specifically chosen because of their work with people with ASD & ADHD. It was difficult but the counsellor was great and we ended on a really constructive note. The counsellor made some good points which we both agreed with, including pointing out the strengths in our relationship.

Thank you Namer (can’t do bold sorry!)
I’ll send her a link. Wishing you all the best found flowers x

Hi all. I've been lurking here since the first thread. I've name changed to post this.

My DH was diagnosed with Asperger's last year. We've been together nearly 20 years and for quite a lot of that time I have been utterly miserable, turning myself inside out trying to understand what was "wrong" with him and "fix" everything, whilst at the same time feeling heartbroken that he has suffered for all of his life and continues to do so.

His diagnosis was in many ways a relief and very positive for us both (in terms of starting to understand his behaviours and how to cope with them better), however the sense of it being a "life sentence" and knowing that I will never ever get my needs met by the man I love makes me desperately sad, and I'm struggling to deal with these feelings right now.

I too have found genuine comfort in these threads (@Moffa I think we are living parallel lives 😞), but am pretty pissed off with the activity in the last 24 hours - so much so that I'm posting, which I very very rarely do!

Anyway. Please let's get back to talking about how as NTs we are coping with an ASD/Aspie/HFA/whatever the terminology is this week partner. I've drawn great strength from most of you, to the extent that I have just started having (solo) counselling with a therapist who specialises in helping partners of Aspies. It's bloody expensive and it's early days but just finding someone who "gets it" to talk to IRL makes me feel a stone lighter.

💐To those of you that are also struggling at the moment.

I too have recently started seeing a therapist. Not specialised in the area but she’s HEARING me nonetheless. I think I cried through the whole first two sessions as it was such a relief to be listened to and understood. My family and friends just don’t see it or get it as he’s very good at being totally different when with them for short periods. I’ve honestly felt like I was going mad because of this.

Welcome Shitehead your counsellor sounds fab. Does she give you strategies or is it about listening and validating your experience? You don't have to answer obviously, as this is a personal question.

Peachy

Long-term lurker here, 20ish years with DH, two kids and it's not easy. I've think I've given up fighting for normality, just settling, sadly at the moment.
I try & protect the kids, model good behaviour and although I don't want to undermine him, I've started pointing out the more 'unreasonable' stuff.

Thanks @ThisWayDown for the warm welcome. I've only had one counselling session so far - it was more of a "getting to know you" scenario, but I still cried a fair bit and I'm hoping that the coping strategies will come further down the line. I'll keep you posted.

Oh, @Peachy2019! I have total and utter empathy with you. Friends and family really don't get it. Whenever I've tried to turn to them for support it just ends up with them saying "he an arsehole, you should just leave him", which isn't particularly helpful.

He's been awful this weekend. He has done zero parenting and has sulked in his grotty little office playing his computer because I have "pissed him off", but hasn't really explained what it is I've done. Sigh. I think it was @Moffa who said that there is never an apology or resolution to this sort of scenario- same here. He will ignore me for a couple of days and then suddenly all will be fine again.

We are so utterly incompatible and all I want is an emotional connection with somebody who loves me and shows it. But I feel such a sense of duty to him and our DD; they have a very strong bond and I can't bear the thought of tearing our family apart.

Just wanting to chip in as mostly lurk but find these threads incredibly helpful.

Someone ages back said it was good we were trying to make things better for us. For me these threads have made things better for me and DH and my teen/young adult DC. So thank you to the regular contributors.

Recent changes here because of the threads

• being right. I’m not getting so bogged down in the “So you are saying I was wrong” loop. Now I shrug and know it’s his loop but I don’t have to join in.

• thrashing in bed. This is really bad along with much sighing. I am patient about this anyway as I could see he couldn’t help it. I understood the twitchy legs but after reading this thread I sat up and observed the thrashing of arms and saw that he is bashing the duvet down hard on either side of his body to tuck it in tight. So now we are going to have two duvets. I’m unreasonably excited about this

• we have a houseful of neurodiversity here. DC formally diagnosed with ASD/ADHD/dyslexia/dyspraxia in various combinations. Very experienced specialists have had conversations with my DH like others here. I have started to more openly say to D.C. “Dad’s neurodiversity....” and it’s helping us all with issues like “Why does dad get more anxious than me when I am stressed? It’s not helpful.”

• I have been working on living my best life and not just doing what DH prefers. I have joined some highly social clubs and activities. It’s great. I feel more energised. We can’t really do visitors much as the build up and fallout for DH is awful but I have started to be open with close friends about the fact we can’t host as it makes DH too anxious.

Now if I could just sort out my bloody perimenopause which did make things worse as I got less tolerant and more anxious overnight.

stonecoldstone
What yu are describing is exactely what H has done about a year ago. It was like a switch and all the behaviours that were making me walk on eggshells disappeared overnight. Just when I had clearly had enough and was ready to leave despite the hardship it would cause.

It made me wonder if this meant actually he WAS abusive/a twat who knew alla long he was hurting me. Or if this is again part of the Asperger.
Tbh I have no idea.
But it didn’t help our relationship, quite the opposite because, if he can do all that now, why didn’t he do it before???

I'm relieved to see people 'coming out' in support of the original purpose of this (these) thread(s). They've been a big help to me. Like several other participants, I've had 'light-bulb' moments.

What led me to DH's diagnosis (now confirmed) was not recognising him in other people's descriptions of their partners. It was recognising myself in other people's descriptions of their experiences as partners.

When I found these threads, I was experiencing uncontainable distress and the marriage was in serious trouble. I nearly drowned the therapist and the consultant psychologist at Lorna Wing with endless floods of tears.

Now I feel we've turned a corner. The first step was feeling that I was heard and understood. If we're going to pay it forward to all these new people, we need to keep listening to them and be supportive. If we all went off to a closed group a lot of people could miss the opportunity I've had.

💐💐

Hello hello to those of you who have just joined. Sorry you're here, but glad you've found us. Nice to have you delurk!

I said earlier that I would put the list of books and resources together from these threads this evening but I'm not going to get around to it. I will in the next couple of days. If anybody else feels like gathering them up from earlier posts go ahead. If I don't see it when I come back then I'll do it.

For people looking for touch, not so long ago I discovered Thai massage - but done gently! It isn't skin to skin (both clothed), but having my body moved around (and again, it's a gentle one, so no enthusiastically forced stretching) and interacted with by another body, was unexpectedly wonderful. My body feels great after and my mind does too. It was kind of a mixture of a partner dance (interaction of bodies without lots of thinking) and massage.

Think I need to book another!

Hi everyone! I’m so pleased the purpose of the thread has been restored

@shitehead I’m so sorry you’ve been miserable for nearly 20 years. I’m only at 10 years and I feel half dead. I’m seeing a GO this week and hoping for solo counselling (H has refused but I need to talk to someone to get out all this sadness and fear and hopefully realise I am not mad). for you.

@peachy I’m sure I’ll cry through the first session, I might even cry at the GP. I have felt like I’m going mental. It’s like living with Jekyl & Hyde. On Friday night he ranted & raved at me and I mentally packed my bags. On Saturday he said he’s only happy when he’s with me. We are so detached and he can’t even see it.
He will moan til the cows come home about guests coming, then performs impeccably in front of them, then sulks at me when they go and says it’s all too much having guests. My two best friends have seen behind the veil & commented on his treatment of me. I know they think I should leave. My parents are devastated I’ve ended up in this situation.

@queenie the shift in behaviour is astonishing. It’s like he knows when I’m at bag packing point and then acts like an The ASD Prince Charming - I actually got a hug this morning.

@heatherheathers your post is helpful - thank you. It might not be the ‘ultimate’ solution for me but I have started two new hobbies this year and am focussing on myself and my DC and letting him fit in with us when his schedule permits!

On a more positive note, we had a great day. Spent about three hours out with the kids, went to a restaurant for dinner and he was actually nice company. The first time ever this has happened.

different-together.co.uk

I found this helpful. Especially the Tony Attood videos. I realised I could and should look to get needs met outside of our relationships (Imean social needs like going to a pottery class not other sorts of needs

Moffa I’m glad you have picked up some hobbies. Life can get really small can’t it?

Sorry to all those at a very low ebb. It can be really horribly hard.

I have had terrible times. I’d like things to work because DH’s strengths include being loyal and dropping everything to help (practically) in a crisis. Not so good with responding to low level, “Dad. dad. dad”or “I’m hungry” etc

@Moffa I'm so glad you had an excellent day today, but how heartbreaking that it's "the first time ever" Did you have a good time out with him pre-kids?

@heatherheathers thank you so much for the Different Together link - they do meet ups, hurrah. I agree with others that it is good to keep these threads public for others to find, but I would like to discuss things more privately and face to face, so I'm going to go to a meet up.

I mentioned that our first session together with a new counsellor was good yesterday. We actually had a bit of a breakthrough today. We can have a pattern here similar to the one @Shithead mentioned: DH getting pissed off about something, flouncing off and sulking, and then being fine at some later point with no resolution for these sulks (we do resolve other, big things, but then we usually see eye-to-eye on the big things).

Last night DH unilaterally ended the family activity we were doing, seeming pissed off, and went off up to bed without properly saying goodnight to anyone. Well this morning we properly resolved. I spoke to him about how it had made me and the children feel, he talked about why he'd done that, we came up with a solution so the issue won't arise again, and that was the end of it. Now to somehow get to the point where DH does not just unilaterally end a conversation and walk off ...

Tony atwood is god.

I think it’s bad form to derail this thread, and to bring in other people’s threads like @thiswaydown. Yes that’s you @autisticgedgehog!

I’m not going to waste my time responding to provocative nit picking.

I have relationship problems, and this thread is very helpful to try and understand this. So I’ll read the posts that come from people in my situation.

@stonecold Email idea - That’s very helpful. I do use email too, it helps. Especially as DP often changed his mind, I can refer back! It’s not as good as your friend but it does allow time for our POV to sink in.
But since emailing him (previous attempts at talking had him walking out the room or turning the tv up) and telling him how she felt and how unhappy she was he has magically turned into the nicest person in the world. It’s like he has googled ‘what to do and say when your marriage is on the rocks’ and is now acting from a script.

In terms of ‘diagnosing’ - I’m with Temple Grandin (she’s really worth listening to imho) who says you have to get specific. Every time. So if you have a relationship problem, in one way just having a blanket ‘on the spectrum’ isn’t always helpful? It’s, what are the actual specific problems?

Personally I don’t get too tied up on whether DP is very autistic or not. on a particular problem, it’s more that this serves to remind me that the way he is (or me for that matter) is behaving might not be how it at first seems. It’s been really confusing for me before I realized this. Is he controlling? Abusive? Why does he get so mad if I have a different viewpoint?

It’s similar to my ASD child. The more I understood ASD, but then also the more I understood him, and these two combined, meant my ability to parent really improved.

Gosh I must read the previous threads. It’s helping me so much already just to see many similar stories.

@moffa I feel for you. The slippery changes in DP so that I’m about to leave and then he turns it full on into mr romantic. Working from your own needs is good, get what you want as much as you can?

@heathers I saw that link a while ago. It’s good. I got some very helpful advice there. I’m glad you’ve got your needs met more outside. I take every holiday alone with the kids! DP just refuses.

Has anyone a DP who was previously married? DP was and conformed to what a husband should be. Yet this was not him, and I sympathise with some of this. Unfortunately for me, now he’s on number two, (me!) - it’s like he’s determined not to go back to that and has swung completely the other way, no compromise.

Yet he did not tell me he’d do this before we had a child! And I based much of my opinion of him on what a perfect husband he seemed to have been - going on holidays etc! Sigh...