Dumped the day after sex

[l0ve]

I had my first date yesterday with a guy I met online after recently coming out of a long term relationship.

We'd been messaging constantly for the past two weeks, and the messages ended up fairly intense and sexual. We'd also spoken a few times on the phone. He told me he was looking for a long term relationship (not interested in a hook up), and that he really liked me.

Went for the date yesterday and I was really nervous, but the conversation flowed and it seemed to go ok. We left the restaurant and he asked what I wanted to do next, if I wanted to get another drink somewhere. I offered that he could come back to my place for a drink.

We sat on the sofa and we had a kiss. I asked him if he'd like to meet again and he said definitely. We kept kissing and we ended up having sex (I know - bad idea!!). The sex wasn't the best, I think he has some issues with a tight foreskin. In his messages to me he was boasting about how much pleasure he would give me, so maybe I really built it up in my head and was always going to be disappointed.

He left later in the evening and sent me a generic message when he got home, which did not mention the sex/what a great date it was. Alarm bells then started to ring!

I contacted him this morning and asked him outright if he wanted to continue this. He said there was no spark during our date. Why would you have sex with someone if there's no spark? And that he didn't want to continue things.

I feel so down and used. I know this is my own fault, but it's so humiliating. I've never had a one night stand before and now I feel like such a loser.

I’m sorry I don’t really want to sound mean but are you really surprised this has happened? You’ve hardly been ‘dumped’ either, he just doesn’t want to see you again now he’s got what he wanted. You only met him the once.

The fact that after just two weeks the messages were sexual would’ve been a clear sign to me that all he was interested in was a quick shag! Nothing against having sex on the first date if that’s what you wanna do - but you wanted a long term relationship, having sex with somebody the first time you meet them after you’ve been exchanging sexual messages isn’t really screaming ‘I want a relationship’ it would give me the impression you just wanted sex.

As for your question as to how he can have sex with someone despite there not being a spark - easy. Sex is sex, he doesn’t have to feel a spark to have sex.

Personally if you’re looking for a relationship, don’t meet up with men who talk dirty to you without meeting you, and don’t sleep with men on the first date. Yes there are exceptions, however usually those sort of men are only after a shag and he’s seen you coming a mile off

Move on. You’ve dodged a bullet.

I'd ring him and just say it doesn't matter about the sec, it was the first time etc , is he sure that's it and perhaps suggest a meal etc

WTF

Good God those texts he sent her were cold and you suggest she offers herself up for another try before you buy only to likely be rejected again.

He probably realises the sex was mediocre and is embarrassed after the big build up from the two weeks of texts. Him saying there was "no spark" is a way of saving face.

Never send sexual messages to an OLD man again before even meeting them. They will have your card marked for first (and final) date sex. And block anyone who tries to initiate that kind of discussion.

He is obviously a player OP so a good result for you really as you know before anything other than a crap shag happened. However, I think you were lucky he didn't turn out to be a total psycho since you basically took a strange bloke into your home.

Exactly @frogfairy
Don't contact him as he knows where you live!
Also asking him back to your place or vice versa was a risky thing to do.
As someone else said it could have been worse.

He sounds like a weird creep. Don't worry - you were spontaneous, took a chance and it didn't work out the way you hoped - this can happen. To be honest, you could have waited months to sleep with him, but that wouldn't have changed him as a person and he'd probably have still done the same thing in the end, whereas I've also heard of people who get married to people they've slept with on the first date (even though it is rare) so anything can happen really.

You can't really be too annoyed at him though as he asked you what you wanted to do next and you suggested going to your place - he didn't event hint or ask to do so according to what you've written so it's a bit like, if it's handed to him on a plate, why would he refuse? It's like getting free chocolate to them. Unfortunately, a lot of people (esp. guys) can compartmentalize sleeping with someone i.e. can do it without having romantic feelings or even liking a female, hence the prevalence of prostitution, revenge rape, etc.

Though I would say guys who get "intensely" sexual as you say on chat prior to even meeting are likely to be players.

BUT it could also be that he's embarrassed/his ego got bruised by his poor sexual performance, especially after bragging, that he's convinced you'd eventually leave him anyway eventually so thought he'd maintain the upper hand by ditching you first.

OP I bet he's deep down very insecure about his foreskin and sexual inadequacy (an ongoing problem) and copes by trying to be a player, sending explicit texts etc - almost certainly some fairly average guy, with some classic male sexual shame and anxiety, who ends up acting like a cunt. So it's a good thing you found out early. Just move on and forget that arsehole. Forwards! :)

Why would you have sex with someone if there's no spark?

There was a spark. But the sex was crap. So he's not coming back. I would do the same with a date. We could have as much spark as anything but if the sex is bad there is no second date with me

What a cock.

I lost muy virginity to a man I had sex with who ghosted me.

PM his profile and I will HAPPILY wind him up!

I don't understand why people are saying op dodged a bullet. There was no bullet shot, he didn't want a relationship with her. Oh well. That's dating for you. You meet a wide variety of people, hopefully you will meet one you like soon. Sex is just sex. You're both consenting adults, you don't need to get married just because you had sex.

NotTheFordType

No offense but none of them are really long term relationships. The average medical students relationship with their university is longer than any of those.

Horrible man. You're well out of it.

Don't beat yourself up over this, and don't cancel your mind off dating / finding relationship due to this all talk, less action in bed amateur of a person. Remember, it takes two to tango, he didn't use you, but you also used his sorry old tight foreskin dick. So have that at the back of your head that you were the better performer, he felt threaten and disappeared as he couldn't stand the heat. What a small knob head!
Block him, you'd definitely find someone you connect with emotionally, whether online or offline.

If you're into ONS it's one thing but if you're not then set some firm boundaries.

No sexting
Meet up right away for drinks. No constant texting for weeks or months. It just sets your expectations to high on what they say.

Assume they are lying until they prove through their actions they aren't. Many many guys OLD just use sites as their own free brothel.

Never invite them back to your house. They are still a stranger.

Sounds harsh but you have to protect yourself and weed out the players and weirdos.

People who want to have sex with every date, that's their business. I just don't feel like sharing my body with so many and only want to if I really really like them.

I wouldn't waste another second thinking about him, and tbh if the sex wasn't great the first time then it's not likely to get better. The beginnings supposed to be the fun bit!

Sorry hun the first red flag is boasting about how much pleasure he would give you ( they think their dick is heroin but never live up to it) just chalk it up to experience.

Very awkward but it turns out I have left a beloved earring, bought abroad, in the date's car.

Goodbye earring. It's really not worth it, it's just a thing.

Post the remaining earring and let MN find you a replacement.

I have had an experience almost identical to this. I think it's an issue with a particular type of guy. Probably a commitment phobe who likes the idea of a relationship but is unable to fulfil it. They end up sad and alone.
Don't feel bad about the sex. After I was dropped after sex I told myself next time I met a guy I would make him wait. In fact I slept with one on the first date and that man ended up my husband. So it's not always because of that that they do the disappearing act.

Dh told me one of his colleague meet woman online just for sex. He pretends he is after long term relationship but not true. Just be aware next time! It's not worth feeling upset for these men.

Thinking about contacting this guy again to say hi. Please tell me this is a bad idea!! I don't even know why I want to do this 😬.

Just don't.

Why? Fancy a second round of feeling humiliated? You know it's a bad idea.