Dumped the day after sex

[l0ve]

I had my first date yesterday with a guy I met online after recently coming out of a long term relationship.

We'd been messaging constantly for the past two weeks, and the messages ended up fairly intense and sexual. We'd also spoken a few times on the phone. He told me he was looking for a long term relationship (not interested in a hook up), and that he really liked me.

Went for the date yesterday and I was really nervous, but the conversation flowed and it seemed to go ok. We left the restaurant and he asked what I wanted to do next, if I wanted to get another drink somewhere. I offered that he could come back to my place for a drink.

We sat on the sofa and we had a kiss. I asked him if he'd like to meet again and he said definitely. We kept kissing and we ended up having sex (I know - bad idea!!). The sex wasn't the best, I think he has some issues with a tight foreskin. In his messages to me he was boasting about how much pleasure he would give me, so maybe I really built it up in my head and was always going to be disappointed.

He left later in the evening and sent me a generic message when he got home, which did not mention the sex/what a great date it was. Alarm bells then started to ring!

I contacted him this morning and asked him outright if he wanted to continue this. He said there was no spark during our date. Why would you have sex with someone if there's no spark? And that he didn't want to continue things.

I feel so down and used. I know this is my own fault, but it's so humiliating. I've never had a one night stand before and now I feel like such a loser.

I believe it works out sometimes, ie sleeping with somebody doesn't make them run away, but 99 times out of a hundred it's a bad idea if you liked him and would have been open to a second date.

I love the PP's idea of saying ''yeh ok, but don't feel bad about the crap sex'' and finishing it with a clear Good bye. Do not suggest meeting again. The narrative as far as you're concerned is that he was awkward and embarrassed about the bad sex. Don't chase after a man who made you feel shit.

Generally, good sex for (heterosexual) women comes when a man knows something about you, can communicate well with you and cares about your pleasure.

Some dude you have titillated via text for two weeks before inviting him to your house is not that guy.

If you are just looking for good sex you need to cultivate a FWB that cares about mutual satisfaction (those do exist)

If you want a relationship then sex has to take a backseat. Not because “the rules” says some bullshit about waiting a certain length of time but because it isn’t worth it for you till later.

Do what bigchris said without offering another date - just to let him was he was crap in the sack 😂

I'm thinking a message along the lines of "ok. If you feel that way, fine, but if you're worried I was judging you in your performance, don't - you'd had a few drinks and it was our first time. I'm sure you would've been able to live up to your promises at some point had we continued. Good luck with your next date"

Then block him and move on !!

The idea of telling him he was crap in the sack is bad, it looks like sour grapes on your part.

Don't beat yourself up OP. It happens. Life goes on.

You live and learn. You knew it was a bad idea to have sex with someone you've just met and his dumping you has only confirmed that. We've all done daft things so try to put it behind you. Don't get into a pattern of behaving like this as it's bad for your self-esteem. There really are nicer men around who wouldn't do this to you. Hold your head up high OP and move on, putting it firmly behind you.

I agree with not playing games, Op.

Don't waste time/energy even thinking about him anymore-just move on.

@adviceneeded3282 well I agree with you. I had no luck dating in my 20s and although I wasn't quick to sleep with people I was too eager, too pleasing. There was no chase. So nothing ever stuck; in a relationship sense. After a bad marriage with a control freak I did about 3 years of internet dating, still utterly clueless really. And although I never wanted to sleep with anybody on the first night, I was making the mistake of sleeping with them too soon, like, date three. I was thinking this is going well, we like each other, we both say we are looking for a relationship and I'd get caught up in the moment and sleep with them only to be dumped shortly afterwards. Sometimes this was done with decency and once a man tried to ghost me (after 7 weeks and about 10 dates). So. Yeh. I agree with you wholeheartedly because I loved myself. I trusted that my great personality was winning these men over! I just didn't understand that you need to let them grow attached to you before the chase dies. Obviously there are exceptions to this but I feel like I have figured something out now. Date 5 with a man I like last night and date six tomorrow and we've already discussed that we won't sleep with each other yet as there's no rush. I never had this discussion before (with an OLD person). I just hoped they understood what I was feeling. Many will disagree with me but the world has changed and any post that starts with ''DH and I have been together since we slept with each other on our first date 23 years ago'' or some such timeframe like that is not going to make me reconsider! Talk to me when you've done four years of OLD !

Id be tempted to send him a bit of a passive aggressive message before blocking him, something along the lines of "That's fine, you're right, there wasn't that much spark - it was a bit boring in the bedroom, wasn't it! Hope it goes better next time!" (He will never be sure whether you're talking about the date or his performance).

One night stands can work out, but with OLD it seems that if someone has been sending you sex texts before they've met you and you invite them home on the first date you're increasing the odds of being just a one night stand.

Don't necessarily give up, just keep your eyes wide open and take your time. It's very rare that someone REALLY falls for someone properly from a bit of online chatting, you don't really know them at all. It can't do any harm to take your time and slow it right down. A good man would wait.

I just feel like OP was not to blame for wht happened...and one night stands can be fun. But you just have to exercise self care when you have been hurt. I hate the idea women have to be the gate keepers of sex. As a feminist...if we fancy someone and we sleep with them on the first night, but he was a dick, it is not down to us not 'playing the game correctly'. ONS are fun tbh!!!! This guy was a manipulative dick.That is the problem here. OP was led to believe he wanted something. He lied. His bad. Not hers.

I'd have to reply..... along the lines of "oh okay, I wasn't going to mention it but you really need to sort your issues out with your GP before you make promises you can't keep. Good luck" and then block the twat.

We all make mistakes, it's learning from them that counts . There are good guys out there.

Whatever you do don’t give him any kind of response.

Any comments about the sex or his boasts or his willy will come across as excruciatingly pathetic.

@AdviceNeeded3282

I have no evidence but I’m pretty certain most guys who sleep with a women on the first date would not be interested in having a long term relationship with her.

I have no evidence but I'm pretty certain you are a disagreeable user of public transport.

See how that works?

My history of LTRs:

1. Slept together first date. Were together 2 years.
2. Slept together first date. Were together 9 months.
3. Didn't sleep together until about a week in (mainly because I had a period.) Together 7 years.
4. Slept together first date. Married 7 years.
5. Slept together first date. Together 4 years.

What I have learned as I've got older and wiser is that the "no sex on first date" rule can be used as a fast and efficient way to weed out guys who want to push your boundaries. If he says "Can we go back to yours/mine" and you say "Not this time, maybe next time" and he gets all sulky and/or tries to guilt you into it, then he's one to avoid seeing again.

Using twat isn't he! You can do better 😘

Hey. Sorry about what you have experienced. I'm an old hand at OLD and it was a big learning curve. Here is my advice.

Only do old when you are feeling resilient and Never do it from a point of need. Learn to recognise where you at at emotionally before you start.

The false intimacy you get with texting is that - an illusion. You have to be able to enjoy it, but keep it at a distance, don't reveal too much about yourself, yet read between the lines about the person you are talking to. That's quite a difficult balancing act for someone who is secretly hoping to find love.

Never ever indulge in any erotic stuff in text - photos or words - never. Been there /done that. Watch out for the signs guys may use to pull you in. There are an awful lot of guys who use texting as recreational play and the wank at the end IS the point.

When you are strong - approach it like a tough job search. But you are the one looking for the right job. and not any old job. It will be frustrating, disappointing - but don't make it too personal.

Meet guys quickly - over a coffee or quick drink to assess their potential. Don't go to tons of trouble getting 'ready'. Don't make yourself the one who is 'hoping to be chosen'. On the other had - don't indulge in that "the Rules" bullshit about you 'being the prize some guy has to fight for'.

Accept that people dating will be seeing other people, and that includes you.

Give the guys a break. I know it's hard but I don't see any point in sifting guys into good and bad. Reading between the lines this bloke sounds like he has sexual/relationship issues. Dating and dumping might offer him some form of control. I doubt any women will get a healthy deal from him. In the end he's quite pitiable.

To all those saying not to sleep with a man on a first date if you want something more

I slept with my husband on the first date and we're still together 10 years later!

Granted it is less common for it to work out that way but that's not to say it never happens. At the time though, I wasn't expecting to see him again (as we lived in different cities) so wasn't expecting anything more.

If you're expecting more, then it is probably prudent not to give in too soon but then again what's to stop the studs and lotharios waiting til you put out on the 3rd date, or whenever, and doing a runner then?

I think for the right man, it won't make any difference. And for the wrong man it won't make any difference either.

Please don’t say anything about the bad sex. He knows where you live.

I agree with everyone who has said don’t say anything about the sexual performance - no need to risk a narc rage - you are better off never contacting him again and blocking him. Put him to the back of your mind, move on.

Learn from it but don’t dwell on it. It’s over now (save all the snarky bad sex comments for entertaining Mumsnet or your mates).

You were silly, but besides that this isn't your fault at all and shouldn't prevent you from dating.
This is a common thing sadly, and the best advice I can offer is not to expect anything from anyone.
My dp did a lot of old, but didn't meet many, just liked the flirting and attention.

It's more about their issues than yours, I've had a few ons after my exh - and even though they didn't help much, I needed some attention and too feel sexy.
Life's about making mistakes.

Thing is, OLD guys can be prepared to go on quite a lot of dates and still ditch you after the sex, there are no guarantees that "holding out" will stop that happening.

Got to enjoy the sex for what it is, not for what it might mean.

It hurts my heart to hear dating as more of an experience between a hostess and her guest where the hostess feels it is her responsibility to make the guest happy and comfortable.

I think it would be mean and unnecessary to say anything about the crap sex.

Tbh you joined in the sexting before you met, you invited him back to yours and you were a willing participant in the sex. If he changed his mind about seeing you again, well that’s up to him. I understand you are hurt but it doesn’t sound as if you particularly liked him anyway.

I’ve often changed my mind about meeting someone again even if I agreed on the date.

@selkiesolstice what do you mean about the chase and keeping them attached?

Meh, crap shag and 2weeks of messages, what have you really lost?

I think you were lucky really... I met my exH online and slept together on the 3rd date... We were together for almost 9 years! DP and I sexted within a few days of meeting. I love him and he loves me in a way neither of us had felt before. IME there is no real correlation.