Red flags you are in a terrible relationship - share yours

[beerandchocolate]

I wish I had recognised the red flags before this awful relationship and narcissist dysfunctional man imploded my life. They are obvious in retrospect but I was so blind, or confused or manipulated at the time I did not see them.

They are not just red flags of his behaviour and attitude, but of mine too, as they meant I accepted his behaviour.

HIS RED FLAGS

1. If he has an opinion on something, it always has to go his way 2)No shared discussion and decision making where he has a strong opinion on one way. Becomes angry/ distressed at attempts to have these discussions. 3)Does not act on things which are important to you, if they are not important to him.
2. Massive disconnect between what he tells you about himself and how he behaves
3. Unable to remember things you tell him no matter how important
4. Does not remember important events in my life , or ask about them
5. Becomes defensive over every little thing, even if he is obviously in the wrong.
6. Poor empathy.
7. Unable to read other's emotions or body language
8. When I bring up issues in the relationship, his only response is to deny the reality of what I say, to defend himself or to verbally attack me
9. Even if not physically violent, becomes verbally aggressive, intimidating body language, kicks walls or punches them when frustrated or angry
10. Hides all this under proclamations of love and physical tenderness. (This means he thinks love is just a a feeling, not a behaviour)

MY RED FLAGS

1. Trying to understand his behaviour (top tip: it doesn't matter if you understand or not - it won't change him - just GET OUT)
2. Thinking 'if only I can find the right words, I will be able to get thought to him'. (top tip - the issue is not how you are communicating, it's that he doesn't think you are worth listening to)
3. Making jokes/ excuses for his behaviour
4. Feeling sorry for him and his deficiencies
5. Believing a relationship needs to be worked at
6. Thinking I am a good person if I put him first
7. Essentially, not believing that I mattered enough to stand my ground and stand up for myself

I forgot one
13) He will not change his mind, no matter how much evidence one can present to the contrary.

And another for me:
8) Thinking, ' at least he loves me. I need at least one person to love me' (Top tip - he doesn't love you.)

Definitely agree with your lists.

Having too much sex. It usually means we're trying to paper over or ignore something fundamental that's an issue.

1. Hated my friends

2. Hated me going out with my friends as he thought they would somehow make me cheat on him

3. tried to tell me what to wear or otherwise criticised my appearance

4. when I went out without him he either concocted some personal drama before I went out that only I could support him through or phoned me in tears whilst I was out with a personal crisis or some sort

5. told me he was getting counselling for the (made up) personal drama/crisis stuff. Told me where and the name of the counsellor. Counsellor didn't exist when I enquired about an appointment. That was when the veil lifted for me.

Your list is helping me right now as I wait for my abusive ex partner to be picked up.
#14 overly buys gifts making out he is going to look after you and leading you to believe he will protect you.

-Any attempt at control; direct or coercive
-Lying
-Patterns with ex's keeps in touch with them all or says they are all 'psychos'
-Physical aggression
-Passive aggression
-Letching
-Attention whoring
-Refusing to take responsibility for actions or accepting consequences of actions
-Irresponsible behaviour
-Attempts to belittle self esteem
-Victim mentality
-immaturity
-Gaslighting

And this is going to sound like an odd one but ED in someone with no evident medical/psychological reason would also put me on alert due to a strong link to porn addictions etc. If there was a genuine reason though no biggie.

Neediness
Giving out loads about his ex (who I knew & liked) constantly.
We lasted 3 dates.

His red flags

1. secrecy over money
2. having unstable relationships with, with well everyone
3. having mummy issues and treating her dreadfully
4. overbearing and bullish father
5. very poor memory esp regarding childhood 6)to always feel unsafe in his company, not necessarily cos he would do anything to me but because he was generally disconnected from the situation. Driving being a prime example!
6. dismissive of my feelings
7. disconnected to everyday life esp family life 9)me and the kids seam to live in his shadow, the children are not put first 10)not the normal progression in family life, eg save money, get pay rises, aim for a nice holiday, it was all about making do!
8. lazyness
9. thinking he is better than others 13)working for himself, getting through staff like no tomorrow
10. showing no care for anyone else if it didn't positively effect him, 15)hugely obsessive 16)easily led 17)conditional love

My red flags

1. not prioritising my own happiness
2. seeing and to some degree validating his behaviour towards his mother and others! 3)not always putting my children first! 4)believing we had some special relationship that was better than others 5)not listening to others 6)not realising my unhappiness was him not other factors 7)allowing him to take over all the finances 8)putting him on a huge pedestal 9)excepting the minimal standard of life he provided for me and the children 10)loosing control of my own life 11)my own issues about not being good enough

Omg sorry my list is massive.
Closet your list is spot on, but whats ED?? yes and deffo the porn addiction! god that used to send me crazy!
A lot of dysfunctional behaviour could be a personality disorder, their surprising not uncommon! My sx deffo has one.
another huge red flag is being charming! as it masks someones true intention.

@Allalittlebitshit2019 ED is short for erectile dysfunction, which I don't consider to be a deal breaker itself if related to medical/age/psychological issues etc.

However if there was no plausible explanation I would be wary as it's a common symptom with men who are sexually desensitized/compartmentalized as seen in porn addictions, and those with a Madonna-whore complex.

Few interests that don’t seem to involve you being around

Champagne tastes, beer money wages

Insists on always picking you up, dropping you off

Says not interested in porn and has a ton of porn related cookies

Bad tempers/anger management

Generally being hard work

My red flags
Not bothering with friends (never again)
Going along with stuff for an easy life
Prioritising their needs and purchases over any of yours

Only ever wanting to eat in restaurants that served burgers or steak as that was all he ate.
Not having any friends to go out with
Zero to 100 in anger - has no patience - screams at kids
Drives at 100 miles and hour with kids in car
Doesnt like friends/parents at school - slags them off all the time
Thinks he is younger, better, cooler than anyone I know, parents at school etc.
Only wanting to go on expensive holidays with childcare so he doesnt have to interact with kids.
Walking in front of me/behind never with me!
Hated every programme I watched on TV
Slagged me off for going on FB, Mumsnet, Social Media
Stared at me in anger if I ordered a 3rd glass of wine
Constantly on phone in restaurants
No interaction in restaurants or social skills
No social skills when out ie standing up saying hello to people, introducing people
Constantly bad tempered
Self obsessed (gym everyday, clean food eating, hair etc - constantly preening - flexing muscles)
Feeling sorry for self - self pitying - thinking the world is against him
Only seeing the children as a relfection of himself and when he isnt the centre of their world he goes cold
Constantly wanting to talk about himself and review his day in a one way direction. When he finished and I start to talk he stares at phone and disinterested.
Slags off any man better looking than himself, taller, richer, better car
Obsessed by cars
Always in debt as has champagne tastes
Always stressed and unrelaxed
Controlling behaviour: re orgainising dishwasher after I had loaded it. Snifing clothes i had washed and checkign if properly dried.

Red flags - all of the above!

Red flags
All of

• every ex is a crazy person (apparently)

-never argues. (Conflict avoider)

Will add a few more after a think.

I lasted 10 years with exh should have been no more than 10 minutes.

1. said he wanted a long term future with me on 2nd meeting
2. I'd travel long distance to see him and he wouldn't be there to meet me (at friends watching football)
3. we'd go out and it would have to involve going to pub to watch footy
4. I went through a stage of having a series of horrendous coughs. He'd get really shitty and demand I go and sleep on sofa
5. got annoyed with me when I said no to something he wanted to do during sex. He wouldn't take no for an answer, so I did it and then couldn't understand why I was upset with him.

..... I could go on. He makes me want to vomit now and I could weep for 24 year old me who put up with that shit.

Allalittlebatshit, yes, I too failed to prioritise myself - with disastrous results. I've lost everything I had built up for myself. And I've lost myself.

You said you didn't listen to friends, I had the opposite. My friends didn't help me to see. When once I was angry and saying I had had enough and was going to leave him (or at least not move away with him)a friend told me not to act in anger. But she was wrong. And I took her to mean I was making the wrong choice. But actually, being angry was the only time I had the strength to do what was right for me. And those words took that strength away. I wish she had told me to hang onto that knowledge I had when I was angry, and to follow through on it when I was calm. Another suggested that husband had autism. I said I didn't give a shit what caused his behaviour. She said it would help me to be more sympathetic to him if he had a diagnosis. But that has been the problem! I wasted 17 years of my fucking life being sympathetic to his deficiencies! I should have spent that time being sympathetic to myself and leaving the bastard! What about me, don't I deserve fucking sympathy?

And then another friend when I said it was over between me and husband, kept on at me to go to marriage counselling, that maybe if he heard things from another person he would understand. No! Fuck off! That is exactly the mistake I made before - thinking that if only I could find the right words...for 17 fucking years! But no-one has the right fucking words. His psychology is entirely about shoring up his positive self image. No-one can get through that. And he lies and lies to himself and believes those lies to shore up that image.
Aargh! Sorry to rant but I am so angry with my friends, when finally after 17 years I finally had the courage to see him for who he was, they were trying to drag me back to the mental state that had kept me in the cage with him. People just don't understand these types of dysfunctional narcissistic men.

Aargh, and another friend saying, ' well, why don't you write down how you feel, maybe he will understand if you just write it down'., NOOOO

One of these friends was a counsellor and one a fucking psychologist as well!

I don't understand why RL friends were encouraging me to 'work at' a marriage with someone who was so clearly impossible and so clearly making me unhappy? In that way MN advice is better that RL. At least on MN they tell you to get the fuck away from these types of me.

types of men that should have said.

The street angel, home devil type. Makes big gestures to strangers and wants as much praise as possible for them or he felt slighted and 'unappreciated'. Very concerned with others perceiving him as a 'nice' guy with frequent comments about how people can't believe he's single. This type of guy also frequently points out how great he is compared to other guys who are addicted to watching football/petrolheads/poorer than he is; also slips in comments about his appearance (I went to sign up to the gym today and the lady said she couldn't believe I'm 39, I look so young).

What I call the '50/50 guy'. This person is very clear from the outset how much he's about 'equality' in relationships, to the letter/penny. But he is never 50/50 when it comes to lifework or sharing his time or the mental load, then tries to twist it back on you 'I thought all 'ladies' were house proud!'

Talks about his ex's, but you're not allowed to talk about yours.

OP’s lists are spot on.

For me, I’d add -

If you fantasise about the Police coming to the door one day, looking sad and saying, “Mrs Disrespect, you need to sit down, there’s been a terrible accident ...” and in that fantasy you wonder whether you should pretend to be sad or just be openly delighted - your marriage needs to be over.

Have been lucky enough to avoid most of the bad 'uns, with two notable exceptions. Both of them had the following in common:

1. all their exes were psychos, apparently
2. communication etc. all had to be done on their terms
3. getting disproportionately angry over tiny things

1. putting a time limit on how long I could have friends over for. Tell her to go home in 30 minutes. I ended up with no friends

2. making me walk up and down the room before I went out to ensure that my clothes were not too revealing and making me change if he deemed them to be inappropriate

3. fighting with me in public places if another man looked at or smiled at me

4. trying to change everything about me, from trying to stop me wear makeup to controlling what I wore

5. point blank ignoring me. If I asked him a question or spoke to him he would just ignore me as though I don’t exist

6. if I was watching something on tv, coming in and just switching it off

When you express your feelings he twists it to something you have done to him

Makes you delete your social media or controls it

Unable to see his wrong doing

Sulking.

*For me, I’d add -

If you fantasise about the Police coming to the door one day, looking sad and saying, “Mrs Disrespect, you need to sit down, there’s been a terrible accident ...” and in that fantasy you wonder whether you should pretend to be sad or just be openly delighted - your marriage needs to be over.*

Oh my God, that's me.