Red flags you are in a terrible relationship - share yours

[beerandchocolate]

I wish I had recognised the red flags before this awful relationship and narcissist dysfunctional man imploded my life. They are obvious in retrospect but I was so blind, or confused or manipulated at the time I did not see them.

They are not just red flags of his behaviour and attitude, but of mine too, as they meant I accepted his behaviour.

HIS RED FLAGS

1. If he has an opinion on something, it always has to go his way 2)No shared discussion and decision making where he has a strong opinion on one way. Becomes angry/ distressed at attempts to have these discussions. 3)Does not act on things which are important to you, if they are not important to him.
2. Massive disconnect between what he tells you about himself and how he behaves
3. Unable to remember things you tell him no matter how important
4. Does not remember important events in my life , or ask about them
5. Becomes defensive over every little thing, even if he is obviously in the wrong.
6. Poor empathy.
7. Unable to read other's emotions or body language
8. When I bring up issues in the relationship, his only response is to deny the reality of what I say, to defend himself or to verbally attack me
9. Even if not physically violent, becomes verbally aggressive, intimidating body language, kicks walls or punches them when frustrated or angry
10. Hides all this under proclamations of love and physical tenderness. (This means he thinks love is just a a feeling, not a behaviour)

MY RED FLAGS

1. Trying to understand his behaviour (top tip: it doesn't matter if you understand or not - it won't change him - just GET OUT)
2. Thinking 'if only I can find the right words, I will be able to get thought to him'. (top tip - the issue is not how you are communicating, it's that he doesn't think you are worth listening to)
3. Making jokes/ excuses for his behaviour
4. Feeling sorry for him and his deficiencies
5. Believing a relationship needs to be worked at
6. Thinking I am a good person if I put him first
7. Essentially, not believing that I mattered enough to stand my ground and stand up for myself

When you express your feelings he twists it to something you have done to him

Yep, this one too

The biggest red flag IMO is when i start to secind guest myself ALL THE TIME and feel unsure about stuff that's always made me happy and made sense to me.

That should've been "second guess myself".

This is so insightful. It's amazing how much we put up with, not realising how bad it is.

Another one is I'm always cheating (I'm not) But according to him I am. He's seen it all before. 🙄

Never, ever accepts the words "no" or " I don't want to" or anything which is not 100% cheerful compliance with his wishes.
Super critical, never pleased, no present is ever good enough, no task is ever satisfactorily completed. So you are always trying harder.
Must be the center of attention. Always.
Constant accusations requiring proof of your movements and faithfulness. End result is you drop friends, family and invitations.
Dictates your perfume/hairstyle/make-up/clothes, by sneering, face pulling, anger, belittling your taste, expressing disgust or disappointment. Failure to comply is proof you are having an affair.
Does not know the meaning of the word compromise. There is only his way.

You will wake up determined that you will not annoy him today. You will. He will invent something to get annoyed at.
He expects you to be a mind reader.
He hears slights and insults in the most innocent of sentences.

Holds grievances for decades. He is never in the wrong.
Delights in making children cry then laughing at them.
Anything/everything is your fault. His weight gain, poor credit rating, his job, hangover, bad back, catching a cold, and on and on and on.

OP I needed to read this today.
I spent years coping on anti-depressants and counselling in order to stay married.

I drove myself round the bend, culminating in a breakdown a few years ago.

Unfortunately his personality is such that it was all about him. I got verbal soothing noises, yes, but it translated into fuck all.

Resentment played a part on both sides. I resented his resentment if that makes sense.

I internalised his sexual rejection of me. Yet he took no responsibility for contraception, was utterly crap in bed. Selfish and disinterested.

I was too soft. Then too angry. Then just nothing.

I ltb a couple of yeArs ago and progress has been so slow.

I can't see me as a worthy, loveable person. It breaks my heart tbh.

I have found it hard to have my own voice! But I have had no choice but to find it since he left as if not I would have had nothing. He would have taken the lot, the house, the children etc etc. I have had force him to divorce, had the papers served to him as he ignored all other ways of doing it. He's taken me to court numerous times and had tried to enter the house on and off for the last few years. Tbf I have done well for myself and come out with pretty much what iv wanted esp regarding the children. But it's still hard, i still struggle to think that I'm any thing more than nothing!

Op you sound like me and because you're not me I wonder if you are exh new partner!!!

Queen, what me??

No, the op! Probably not but it's amazing how similar these wankers are

This is a brilliant thread. So much of this rings true for me. Even things like him walking in front or behind me but never beside me. Most of the time I didn’t notice but sometimes I’d suddenly realise he was doing it and I felt terrible. Ugh. I need to bookmark this so I can make sure I don’t make the same mistakes again.

Lying about trivial pointless things. I used to think “oh well it’s just a white lie, it doesn’t matter”. Nope - the real lesson there is “if he’ll even lie about stupid stuff, there is a 0% chance he’ll come clean about not paying the rent.”

Painful traumatic issues from childhood - which only ever got revealed after he’d done something bad and was apologising for it. And then you can’t keep being angry because he’s just told you about something so awful, he needs your help and support! Took about 15 separate revelations before I picked up on the pattern there.

In my case it was:

He wouldn't take responsibility for his actions.

He was very unreliable.

If he upset me, he never really apologised as "it wasn't intentional".

He talked far, far more than he listened.

He misled me about his age. Not surprisingly, it turned out that he'd bent the truth in other ways as well.

Trouble followed him around (he had the reputation of being able to start a fight in an empty room).

My best friend had known him longer than I had and had never liked him.

What on earth was I thinking?

Too much too soon. Instant soulmate
Married or separated
crazy ex stories
sad sad hard luck stories
can't seem to hold a job
drinks a lot or drug use
over 30 and doesn't have life together
no savings
his problems are always someone else's fault.
you feel like you could be good for him, make his life better, fix him, or save him
hot and cold

Omg I love this thread .. when it comes to abusive behaviour.. they're all pretty much the same .. so many rang true for me I'm gonna write them down too.
my advice to myself is never to live with a man again !!!
I'm actually too scared I think most men are abusive.. not sure I trust my judgment, then it's too late. I

Constantly being undermined in front of kids !!

• accused me of looking at and being attracted to every member of the opposite sex (to the extremes that I had to walk with my head down when with him)
• when leFt him last time told me he was going to commit suicide
• begging him to be around at the weekends to spend time with me and DD rather than doing favours for other people and working
• constantly selling our family homes and moving us from house to house to have his dream job as a property developer
• telling me constantly that of it weren’t for him, I wouldn’t have a roof over my head( even though I work myself), I wouldn’t be able to go to university, work, take DD on days out.
• would never marry as women only get married for men’s assests
• all women are like his mother (affairs and cheating)
• wouldn’t go to any social gatherings with friends as he was better than them all and I had to go alone or Miss out
• throwing my phone at the wall when he found out I got a Facebook page
• telligme I used him to baby sit Our DD
• telling me that one day I will get into a relationship with the wrong man Who is abusive and I would go back to him with a tail between my legs
• having the most disfunctional and awful fAmily

Mine are:

• love bombing
• pathetic, woe is me stories
• exes are all nutters
• life is shit and everyone against him
• pathetic 'I'm no good for you' attention seeking
• taking hours to respond to texts but then getting frustrated when I didn't respond immediately
• everything is everyone else's fault
• actions don't match words

The red flags I should have taken more seriously in the very very beginning:

1. Despite him being laid back and outwardly kind to everyone, the strained, impatient way I heard him speak to his father on the phone on our second date. It could have told me something.

2. The fact that he was a virgin at 32. At the time I thought it sweet, but it actually reveals how lazy he is, waiting for everything in life to somehow arrive at his door.

3. His lack of loyalty towards one of his best friends. The story about him falling in love with his wife and endeavouring to get her to leave him. Telling that he only actually motivates himself to try for anything that he can't have/doesn't belong to him.

4. His messy house... did I really think things would change once we moved in together?

5. His hand me down furniture. If it's not free, he's not interested.

6. His hot and cold behaviour in the beginning and complacency. It never improved.

7. His mother.

8. His work ethic

When you express your feelings he twists it to something you have done to him

Yes, absolutely this.

apintof
Unfortunately his personality is such that it was all about him. I got verbal soothing noises, yes, but it translated into fuck all.
Yes, this!

I was too soft. Then too angry. Then just nothing. Absolutely this. I am really angry most of the time, but other times nothing. Not sure which is worse.

And YY to PP who talk about feeling unloveable. I can't feel loveable ATM as I am so filled with anger and hatred, towards him and myself, and feeling so fucking stupid for following him and destroying everything for him , l that it is impossible to like myself.

And YY to people saying these men are so similar. They are. I thought husband was a unique case till stories from other woman on Mumsnet opened my eyes. He's just one of a type. A type of entitled, self obsessed, selfish and completely unself-aware man,

This is a brilliant thread.

Thank you to everyone who posted on this thread. As I read it it ticked so many boxes I ended up ending my relationship last night. It's like a weight has been lifted and I can see clearly (I still feel like a bitch though)

Minor, in view of the above - but let's not forget extreme tightness with money! as well as being a deeply unattractive trait, it is often an indicator of selfishness in other areas.

Chaosandmadness you feel like a bitch because you have empathy.

You've done what is right for YOU and have nothing to feel guilty about.

You can end a relationship for any reason or none.

Nobody owes anybody a relationship.

Lies. Early on. About massive stuff. He exaggerated his career for example.

Nothing was ever his fault.