Red flags you are in a terrible relationship - share yours

[beerandchocolate]

I wish I had recognised the red flags before this awful relationship and narcissist dysfunctional man imploded my life. They are obvious in retrospect but I was so blind, or confused or manipulated at the time I did not see them.

They are not just red flags of his behaviour and attitude, but of mine too, as they meant I accepted his behaviour.

HIS RED FLAGS

1. If he has an opinion on something, it always has to go his way 2)No shared discussion and decision making where he has a strong opinion on one way. Becomes angry/ distressed at attempts to have these discussions. 3)Does not act on things which are important to you, if they are not important to him.
2. Massive disconnect between what he tells you about himself and how he behaves
3. Unable to remember things you tell him no matter how important
4. Does not remember important events in my life , or ask about them
5. Becomes defensive over every little thing, even if he is obviously in the wrong.
6. Poor empathy.
7. Unable to read other's emotions or body language
8. When I bring up issues in the relationship, his only response is to deny the reality of what I say, to defend himself or to verbally attack me
9. Even if not physically violent, becomes verbally aggressive, intimidating body language, kicks walls or punches them when frustrated or angry
10. Hides all this under proclamations of love and physical tenderness. (This means he thinks love is just a a feeling, not a behaviour)

MY RED FLAGS

1. Trying to understand his behaviour (top tip: it doesn't matter if you understand or not - it won't change him - just GET OUT)
2. Thinking 'if only I can find the right words, I will be able to get thought to him'. (top tip - the issue is not how you are communicating, it's that he doesn't think you are worth listening to)
3. Making jokes/ excuses for his behaviour
4. Feeling sorry for him and his deficiencies
5. Believing a relationship needs to be worked at
6. Thinking I am a good person if I put him first
7. Essentially, not believing that I mattered enough to stand my ground and stand up for myself

Queen i think your right but its not a minor thing! It effects pretty much every area of a relationship. It shows a degree of control, any more than dating someone and this is a major thing! Renting, buying a house having children. The more your lives are intwined the more important and disruptive it can be

Me:

feeling worn out like I needed a rest after spending the weekend with him

Not really talking to friends about how things were going

Hearing stories about his behaviour in previous relationships and thinking 'he'll never be like that with me'

I totally agree with many of the posters here and I am so sad that I spent so many years (all of my 20s) trying to work at a marriage with a horrible man, telling myself it must be me and eventually realising that I was not the ‘vile nasty person’ (his words) that he wanted me to believe I was. The secret for me was working outside of the home, in a job where oddly enough my colleagues clearly liked me and my work was valued - so eventually I grew in confidence and I left. Am only sorry that our lovely little boy was caught up in it all. I am a great believer in divorce! So
Telling me ‘there is a streak of shit running through you’
Calling me ‘miserable’ continually
Telling me ‘you would sap the spirit of a genius’
Telling me I ‘look like a bag of shit’
Telling me no one would ever love me as much as he does
Hitting me because the potatoes weren’t chopped up small enough in his dinner
‘Of course I don’t fancy you, grow some tits’ was a nice one too
Smashing in the kitchen cupboard doors in temper
I could go on but you get the gist.

Yes yes yes to all of these! Can’t believe how many people have been in similar relationships!

Another thing to add is that whenever you say this behaviour is wrong and explain how you would like to be treated it’s always how “I’m sorry, it’s just that I love you so much, these reactions come out because of how much I care about you. I’ve never felt this way for anyone before and it scares me. I just love you so much” followed by lots of affection from what I call “the other side of him” funny how they can change from raging possessive idiots to a caring loving devoted person in a second.

Also the way he would put me down to my lowest until I’m sobbing on the floor yet he’d take joy in being the one who’s there to love and support me and hold me tight “despite my flaws”.

As I got stronger and tired of all the BS I (much to my dislike) became passive aggressive and would just answer “well I must just be s%#t at life then” and get on with my day.

I think the biggest red flag is when your gut tells you you’re turning into someone you’re not.

Also constant texts, phone calls, FaceTime etc. To know where you are, who you’re with etc. And withdrawing when you’re not doing as he pleases. For example a night out with the work lot. “Well I’m sending this message Fl0w3r because I wanted to let you know I won’t be speaking to you all night because I can’t cope with you not replying to my messages whilst you’re busy with other people” then proceeds to send me messages about how he bets I’m having a lovely time dancing with other men and it’s a good job I got a hotel room tonight so I can bring him and his friends back”

Oh gosh this was meant to be a small post but I could literally write a book! Unfortunately I’ve had two relationships like this. Here’s to being on my own and getting myself back. I smile more and more each day I’m on my own

His ability to have one set of rules for him but a different set for you.

God help that you ignore his texts. But ok for him to ignore you.

4) His messy house... did I really think things would change once we moved in together?

YY! Flat/room/house/car is a tip and he's not at all bothered. This is who he is. It will never get better. He does not need 'training' or chore charts or praise, he is showing you he cannot function as an adult.

Any guy who says 'I'm old-fashioned'. Here is what they are: a sexist twat who, like the 50/50 guy believes women are there to enable men, so you will work FT and be expected to do all the lifework, too.

He's still married even after long separation. Run!

Chaos I am so so pleased this thread has helped you to get out of a terrible relationship..

I'm also glad others have found it helpful too.

It's nice to have a space to be able to write all this stuff out to people who undestand..

Painful traumatic issues from childhood - which only ever got revealed after he’d done something bad and was apologising for it. And then you can’t keep being angry because he’s just told you about something so awful, he needs your help and support!

53rd, I had a friend who was like this. I have realised that in friendships, as well as relationships, I have attracted some destructive people. I've learnt how to avoid bad friendships, and have walked away from two developing friendships when they started to show the same toxic behaviour as ex manipulative friend.

Just hoping if I ever have a romantic relationship again (unlikely) I will be able to pick a decent man this time.

I decided last night to started to practice being assertive in all areas of my life, even in small ways, and to stop apologising or putting myself down.

Perhaps 'Fuck you, I don't have to do what you tell me to', should be my new mantra!

I think the biggest red flag is when your gut tells you you’re turning into someone you’re not.

Yes to this too, FLO3wr, absolutely.

And when he uses emotional blackmail when you have an argument to make you feel really guilty
‘I may as well drive into a brick wall because nobody would be bothered’
‘I feel like taking an overdose and killing myself because of the way you are treating me’.

Aggressive driving, particularly when he can wait and then 'punish' the other driver.

Despises his mother.

Ill whenever there's an event for your family or you friends, so you have to feel like a bitch for letting your friend down or a bitch for leaving him alone.

Who wrote about the walking not with you? Exh down to a tee. Had crash sections and of course he wouldn't walk at my pace ever.

I'm now adding when your children identify behaviours - I am long divorced but exh has a contact order naturally. Dd1, 9 has started telling me about exh not being able to talk with her about anything he isn't interested in and how boring this is. They also resent him bitching about me to them and get quite upset about it. Me parking in double yellows is the current one!

Bitches and moans about others who are nothing to do with him. For example, I had a boyfriend who banged on and on about train workers striking, how they did such a piss easy job for great money and also denigrated people on min wage as 'I've had to work for less to earn my crust!' My first thought was, 'So fucking what? No one cares, X!' but I dumped him soon after as he was obsessed with 'hard work' and 'my hard-earned cash' you'd have thought he worked picking cotton or harvesting rice instead of in IT.

He also spent a lot of time slagging off people who lived in council homes or had satellite dishes on their homes. He was really insecure and so had to put others down to make himself feel better about himself.

@thebaronetofcockburn exh was obsessed with the fire service....

@thebaronetofcockburn exh was obsessed with the fire service....

With this guy it was railroad workers and fast food employees. Anyone in a union was a pisstaking mooch. He was all about how others weren't allowed to do better than he if he didn't judge them worthy of having worked hard enough.

-Blowing hot and cold

• walking on eggshells all the so as not to "set him off"

It's almost as though I was replicating my problematic childhood

I stopped dating over ten years ago

Would never engage in conversations about problems in relationship , arguments woujld go unsolved for days , as he worked away he would just ignore me , not reply to texts or calls
Got angry at little things
Constant righteous indignation or so he thought about others and their life choices "fucking clowns " his favourite saying , including myself
Was never wrong and i mean NEVER

Would walk into the living room and straight away pick up the remote to change channel, without even looking at whatever I'd got on
Tell me he liked a certain perfume/type of makeup/item of clothing on women, then when I wore it, would say he didn't like it, never had and certainly hadn't said he did
Went out almost every night but when I had a very rare night out would threaten to leave me/start packing
Had to have the most food at every meal/biggest piece of cake etc, or he would sulk
All his exes were "crazy"
Got angry over tiny things like me mentioning we needed milk because "I left everything to him and couldn't look after myself"
Told me all his friends thought I hated them
Told me my friends had told him they only put up with me because they thought I'd go mad if they didn't
If I was ill, he'd immediately be ill too only worse
Hid my passport

Thousands more.

Constant righteous indignation or so he thought about others and their life choices "fucking clowns " his favourite saying , including myself

Yes, yes!

My ex was always moaning about women who had good cars , because they obviously got them from their fellas , ( obviously never could have got them from their own hard work ) and his way of putting it was ‘ amazing what they can get whenthey open thier legs ‘ tots charmer
Btw I had the car myself b4 I met him
He had a bike which was impractical for picking his kids u so he used to use mine .
Funny when we spit first thing he did was get a car !
Also was too busy to fix my car , and I had to take to garage , but when his mates broke down with the exact same problem a week later , he gave up his weekend to fix it .

Used to call his ex a witch , and speak to her like she was shit on his shoe , like a previous poster I should have noted that huge red flag at the time

Would kick off if we went swimming ( with kids ) as I was fitting and flaunting myself ffs we had 5 kids to manage ( some mine some his ) how did he think I had time to flirt ?

Once pulled my sunglasses off my face when he was driving and I was passenger as he ‘ couldn’t see who I was looking at ‘ in the other cars

Did not have his life together b4 I met him , everything was someone else’s fault , he whinged and whinged about the csa and about me making him pay his way with me

Never cooking even if he was in before me

Love bombed me then after would make me feel like shit - openly flirting in restaurants with women on the next table , should have poured wine in his head

His mother being concerned about me Asher own husband ( his dad) was also an emotional bully and she was worried he maybe the same . I never confirmed it to her she ad enough of her own shit to deal with

Always wanting to pick me up drop me off and wanting to know where I was
Sorry for long and hijacking post
Wish I had Mumsnet support back then

Now with a grown up man
Works , clever , good fun , loves me and takes his share of life work

Soft, angry, nothing .. exactly! Now just lost. Mine is in a nice phase at the moment.. how many times have I said to myself.. ‘next time that’s it! ‘ Feel like a bloody idiot for all I’ve put up with over the years. My DH seems to have turned over a new leaf recently. I’ve changed though and he knows it. Wish I’d had the strength years ago to stand up for myself. Very fed up. Great thread thank you OP. X

Are there any nice ones? It's all so familiar

Original list- spot on. It's the lack of empathy that covers and multitude of red flags...

Not a partner, but a lot of the things from your OP were things my mother did and a lot of your red flags were things I did to put up with it "because she's your mum". I'm fairly sure my mother has narcissitic traits.