Red flags you are in a terrible relationship - share yours

[beerandchocolate]

I wish I had recognised the red flags before this awful relationship and narcissist dysfunctional man imploded my life. They are obvious in retrospect but I was so blind, or confused or manipulated at the time I did not see them.

They are not just red flags of his behaviour and attitude, but of mine too, as they meant I accepted his behaviour.

HIS RED FLAGS

1. If he has an opinion on something, it always has to go his way 2)No shared discussion and decision making where he has a strong opinion on one way. Becomes angry/ distressed at attempts to have these discussions. 3)Does not act on things which are important to you, if they are not important to him.
2. Massive disconnect between what he tells you about himself and how he behaves
3. Unable to remember things you tell him no matter how important
4. Does not remember important events in my life , or ask about them
5. Becomes defensive over every little thing, even if he is obviously in the wrong.
6. Poor empathy.
7. Unable to read other's emotions or body language
8. When I bring up issues in the relationship, his only response is to deny the reality of what I say, to defend himself or to verbally attack me
9. Even if not physically violent, becomes verbally aggressive, intimidating body language, kicks walls or punches them when frustrated or angry
10. Hides all this under proclamations of love and physical tenderness. (This means he thinks love is just a a feeling, not a behaviour)

MY RED FLAGS

1. Trying to understand his behaviour (top tip: it doesn't matter if you understand or not - it won't change him - just GET OUT)
2. Thinking 'if only I can find the right words, I will be able to get thought to him'. (top tip - the issue is not how you are communicating, it's that he doesn't think you are worth listening to)
3. Making jokes/ excuses for his behaviour
4. Feeling sorry for him and his deficiencies
5. Believing a relationship needs to be worked at
6. Thinking I am a good person if I put him first
7. Essentially, not believing that I mattered enough to stand my ground and stand up for myself

We became official barely two months after his LTR ended - nope

People just don't understand these types of dysfunctional narcissistic men.

Totally agree with you here. This was one reason I was stuck in my own bad situation for so long. I would work sth out and ask for help only to be distracted and made to believe things were not that bad. Lesson finally learnt follow your instincts.

This makes for depressing but vital reading. Hopefully there will be a few out there who are reading this and thinking "shit, this sounds remarkably familiar" and will be encouraged to act.

I do believe there are many, many good men. For my 2 terrible ones, I have had 7 lovely, sweet, caring, clever, driven boyfriends (who just weren't for me) and DH is solid, kind, wise, funny, always there for me and tells me how beautiful/smart/amazing I am most days.

I needed the 2 terrible ones to remind me what to look out for in a partner. I still get angry sometimes when I think how they treated me - and how I know they have treated future partners.

to everyone who's posted and to all those reading the thread who recognise some of the traits we're writing about in their own relationships.

Lying to other people e.g. his siblings
Treating his mother unkindly, like she is an inconvenience
Being lazy, low in energy, not helping and acting like he should be served
Being obsessed with being 'high status' or appearances when in reality his outward image is very different to the reality - lots of acquaintances no friends type thing
Twisting the truth and manipulating - making others believe he was right and they are wrong
Being obsessive at first, not going anywhere without me or having own friendships
Secret messages, liking younger girls photos and generally very secretive
Difficult relationship with own family
His father repeatedly cheated

However he was also geeky as ever, quiet natured, seemed devoted and so keen for engagement, excited and big plans for future etc. So lots of positive signs hiding all the negatives.

sigh81 I agree with you 100%.

Very competitive esp at sports.
What were peoples first red flag though? There of course is loads "in hinsite" bit what was the first?
Mine was a complete over reaction to something minor. I had jokenly written a note saying "clean me when his sink was filthy. The note was not derogatory just ment as a joke. He acted very oddly and over the top. Telling me he didn't like being told what to do as that's what his mother had done all his life" I of course appologysed! This was about 2 months in!

My first red flag was when I was trying to explain how he had upset me and then I suddenly found myself justifying my own actions to something he accused me of. For hours it took for him to believe that I was telling the truth.

The issue I brought up wasn't even discussed and I still felt the same after.

Kept telling me 'You need someone to look after you.' Outwardly ostentatiously charming, doing stuff like picking up your case for you, ordering for you in a restaurant, 'I have such good manners' type of guy. Tells you how 'romantic' he is with examples. 'I surprised my last girlfriend with a trip to Paris,' 'I'm so romantic'.

My DH is so lovely but years ago I went out with a total fuckwit who treated me appallingly. The big red flags (all in hindsight) were:

• he was very controlling and had to be in total control of everything I did / said / wore / where I went.
• he hated all of my friends and family (who are all lovely)
• he was jealous of everything and everyone. If a man so much as smiled at me he’d go ballistic. Once a guy in a bar told me he thought I was pretty, my BF’s reaction was to tell me I’m not good looking that guy just wants to shag you. When I did really well in my exams ( all A’s) he told everyone that I wasn’t smart I just had a good memory and regurgitated the information for the exams. He had dropped out of school previously and looking back I think he was seething with jealousy that I’d worked hard for my results.
• he was horrible to his mother, treated her like dirt when she was such a lovely woman.
• thought he was better than everyone else. Smarter, better looking, etc.
• he was physically abusive. Hit me, pulled my hair etc when he lost his temper which was obviously the biggest red flag of all.

When we split, he spent years begging me to get back with him. Him and his massive ego couldn’t quite believe that I was gone and wasn’t coming back.

First small red flag...general manic behaviour on our first couple of dates. Followed by low moods.
Proper first big waving red flag...shouting at and kicking repeatedly at an inanimate object. Just totally lost it. That was about 6 months in.
I stayed for another 11 years.

*For me, I’d add -

If you fantasise about the Police coming to the door one day, looking sad and saying, “Mrs Disrespect, you need to sit down, there’s been a terrible accident ...” and in that fantasy you wonder whether you should pretend to be sad or just be openly delighted - your marriage needs to be over.

Oh my God, that's me.*

… And me! I used to fantasise about this scenario with EXH for years. I never realised other people felt that way about their 'D' H too.

Allalittlebatshit my first major red flag I remember (would have been low level stuff before that pissed me off but I explained away or 'that's just DH' type excuses) was when one of his friends subjected me to a prolonged vicious verbal attack. When I tried to tell husband about it he got angry with me, saying 'I hate all this shit, I'm not getting involved' and left me to face it on my own. Actually, he took that friend, a week later, on his 40th birthday weekend away that I had organised for him. It made me realise that he has no empathy for how I feel, feels no defensiveness towards me, no sense of justice for me and would not do something he feels uncomfortable with for my sake. It wasn't even a close friend, just someone who was part of his group, but not someone he would ever see outside that group IYSWIM.
I came very close to finishing with him and spent a year seriously considering doing so.
For the past two years I have bitterly regretted not taking my chance and leaving him then, when we didn't have kids and I still had a job.

Yes Sheldonstwin

It's actually a huge relief to know other people have had these thoughts too!

(Love your username btw)

Actually, a retrospective red flag I never clocked at the time, was when we were on holiday and went for a country cycle. Now husband is a competitive sports cyclist and extremely good at it. I was just a pootle to work cyclist. I couldn't keep up. He would cycle ahead, as I puffed up hills, then, just as I caught up, cycle off again, getting more and more angry with me for not being fast enough. When we finally made it to the pub he was aiming for, the barmaid said they had just stopped serving lunches. He lost it and started repeatedly kicking the bar and shouting. The appalled barmaid said she would get us a cheese plate (he was lucky it wasn't a bar man or the owner. I am sure they would have kicked him out), whilst I felt bad for not being 'fast enough' and made excuses as he was 'so hungry'.
What a loser I was!

Another of my red flags about my own attitude, was believing that, because relationships need to be 'worked at',he would gradually reflect on his behaviour as I called him out on it, and change.

But he never changed. There was always a reason why he didn't have to listen. And that reason was always the same. THIS time he was right and it had to go his way. Because he was right.

He has no self awareness and has never grown or developed as a person. I'm sometimes struck by the similarity in psychology and behaviour between him and our five year old. And sometimes, and I am serious about this, struck by how our five year old has greater self reflection, and personal development skills.

He has no self awareness and has never grown or developed as a person. I'm sometimes struck by the similarity in psychology and behaviour between him and our five year old. And sometimes, and I am serious about this, struck by how our five year old has greater self reflection, and personal development skills.

Yes, yes, yes. This is so true. Most of my eureka moments have come to me about my soon to be ExH because of my children. I have been looking into ways to be a better parent, so I looked into some basic brain science. Was a revelation to me, higher order functions such as morals, conscience and empathy are under construction until our brain matures in our early 20s. Without the correct input from the people and environment around us they will not develop properly.

Making me feel like an inconvenience and in the way so much so that I was always chastising myself for even being around.

Great thread!
Well not great that there are so many men like this out there but I feel a bit less crazy after reading your posts.

Red flags for me are:

1. Self absorbed/obsessed
2. Thinks everyone has a problem with him
3. Constantly moving departments at work due to falling out with people but it's never his fault. He's always the victim
4. Saying negative things about my family & friends
5. Nothing is ever his fault or he always comes up with a good excuse you can't argue with
6. Has no friends or hobbies of his own
7. Lazy & content to live in a pigsty
8. Still very dependant on his mum at 40 & treats her like she's an idiot even though she's done a lot for us & is a lovely lady
9. Obsesses over things

10. Constantly winds up our 5 year old & they act more like fighting siblings than father & child. 11. If I get ill he will always be ill at the same time but his illness will be worse than mine 12. If I had a bad day his day will have been worse 13. Always wanting to talk about his feelings but never wanting to listen to mine 14. Refuses to take responsibility for his own actions or lifestyle choices. He is obese, unfit, has high blood pressure & other health problems but it's everyone else's fault for always stressing him out 🙄 15. There's always some drama going on with someone at work or family members who "have it in for him" 16. Due to the above we can never make plans for the future e.g. moving house, home improvements or having another baby because of his constant threat that his job is "hanging by a thread" or that he might be "forced" to quit. He never looks for another job though which I don't understand. This has gone on for years & I'm part convinced he just loves the drama of it. 17. Niggles me that he has never owned a car of his own but uses mine all the time & gives me lifts to work etc in my own car which I paid for!!! I wouldn't mind if he occasionally put petrol in or checked the oil etc but he always claims be doesn't know how to 🙄 He's started driving like a lunatic recently too & had a few near misses

Sorry for the essay! 😬

Number 16 really gets me down. I'm not that bothered about fancy holidays or having a bigger house. It would be nice if course but it's not the be all & end all. DH though is constantly checking Facebook commenting on so & so are going another cruise...how can they afford it....I work so hard & get nowhere etc etc.

What bothers me is I would desperately love another child but I feel like we are on a constant rollercoaster & it's exhausting. Also now I can see how toxic the relationship is I can't bring myself to knowingly & deliberately put another child into that situation. Also even if I did almost everything would be left up to me & I just don't have the energy for it. Not on top of working given i'd have to go back full time for us to manage financially.

It just makes me feel so sad when I see other women who are happy & got their life sorted; popping out another baby seemingly so easily. Especially when my DC is constantly asking for a baby brother or sister 😪 everyone seems to be pregnant or moving forward at the moment & I feel like I'm just running round & round on the same treadmill trying to just keep things afloat.

Here's hoping to a better 2019 for everyone!

It was many years ago, when I was just 19, but I had a bad feeling about my handsome, softly spoken, funny fiance when I started to realise that:

I could never go anywhere alone (apart from work), he had to come with me

Like a PP, he hated me going out without him because he thought OTHER PEOPLE couldn't be trusted and would lead me to cheat

Like a PP, he would create some kind of drama before I went out anywhere - once he trashed the bedroom and turned the wardrobe upside down as I was quietly getting ready. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was "looking for something"

He objected to me wearing make up or nice clothes

He repeatedly phoned my work number (pre-mobile phone era), and if my boss answered he'd be rude

He threw the remote control at the wall by my head when I said I wanted to go to the shops alone for once

I would sometimes wake up to find his hand in my knickers

He used sleep deprivation to control me, perpetually waking me up as I was dropping off to make me promise to marry him, or to ask who I'd cheated on him with

Thankfully when I said I'd changed my mind and didn't want to be with him anymore, he accepted it - after a full 12 hours of keeping me awake to discuss it, obviously. But when he went, he went quietly.

He has no self awareness and has never grown or developed as a person. I'm sometimes struck by the similarity in psychology and behaviour between him and our five year old. And sometimes, and I am serious about this, struck by how our five year old has greater self reflection, and personal development skills*

This. My kids are more aware, conscious, thoughtful than their father could ever hope to be. That's down to me, my family, svhool, sports etc.

I'm so thankful for that because their lives would be far worse with his traits.

I hate what he has diminished me to. I hate that I hate him. Urghh.

Oh and first red flag was on second date when he told me he didn't do relationships. Followed a week later by some taunting about another woman who wanted him. Swiftly followed by an alarming insult in my home...."xxxx psycho"

Horrible man.

Relate to so many of these. My exh first wife is out there somewhere. I wish I could talk to her sometimes she took some dramatic steps to get away from him. Married less than a year. Wish I could meet her

These all sound eerily like my exp.

1. Constant silent treatments when he felt I'd wronged him, only he wouldn't tell me what I'd done so I was left begging for him to talk to me so I could 'fix' it
2. Lavishing holidays and presents on me, then when I'd bring up his emotional abuse he'd tell me I was wrong because look at all the things he does for me
3. Telling me I shouldn't go out with my friends as he doesn't go out with his friends to make me happy (he doesn't have any)
4. Staying in bed as often and as much as possible
5. Telling me I shouldn't be so polite and make small talk with men as they'd think I wanted to sleep with me
6. Going publicly crazy at me for responding to a man who asked what the time was
7. Financially abusing his ex wife before their settlement had been agreed, telling me he was doing it because she was mad
8. Criminal damage on more than one occasion to my belongings
9. Absolutely no empathy

10. Hated my career and would never celebrate my successes - more silent treatment 11. Crying whenever I suggested I'd had enough 12. White lies 13. Telling me I'd never find anyone who loves me as much as him 14. Silent treatment if I didn't want sex 15. Promising he'd look after me because I couldn't look after myself 16. Always saying he was the most successful man I'd ever meet, the most successful man his friends all knew. Saying I'd never be as successful as he was and it was futile to try 17. Minimizing myself so I didn't upset him

Nifler, why are you letting him have all the power? I'd leave and have another child on my own.

I second Maya Angelou's 'When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time'.

Don't sweep away small things, as if they don't matter. You are right to give them significance. Like PP who talked about husband changing channel whilst she is watching t.v.. It's not so much the small act itself. Its what it reveals about his attitude to you. That is, that you are not in his head at all. He doesn't keep you in mind or have any awareness of you. All that is in his head is him and his wants. And that will be true ALL the time about everything. You'll only enter his head when it suits him, not when it advantages you..

We are all thoughtless/make mistakes sometimes, but if called out on it, its how they react that matters. Normal well adjusted people recognise what they have done, apologise and learn and move forward. People you should dispatch from you life will defend themselves, attack you or go into total denial. That's how you recognise someone who will never change, grow or improve.

taking to long at the shops meant I was having an affair
working beside men meant i was having an affair.
controlled what I wore right down to my underwear if I didn't comply i was having an affair.
refusing sex you get the picture.
nothing was ever his fault.
I was sidelined as he didn't start this still 2 years in, then 4 years in the slight slaps he said he didn't mean. It escalated from there.