Red flags you are in a terrible relationship - share yours

[beerandchocolate]

I wish I had recognised the red flags before this awful relationship and narcissist dysfunctional man imploded my life. They are obvious in retrospect but I was so blind, or confused or manipulated at the time I did not see them.

They are not just red flags of his behaviour and attitude, but of mine too, as they meant I accepted his behaviour.

HIS RED FLAGS

1. If he has an opinion on something, it always has to go his way 2)No shared discussion and decision making where he has a strong opinion on one way. Becomes angry/ distressed at attempts to have these discussions. 3)Does not act on things which are important to you, if they are not important to him.
2. Massive disconnect between what he tells you about himself and how he behaves
3. Unable to remember things you tell him no matter how important
4. Does not remember important events in my life , or ask about them
5. Becomes defensive over every little thing, even if he is obviously in the wrong.
6. Poor empathy.
7. Unable to read other's emotions or body language
8. When I bring up issues in the relationship, his only response is to deny the reality of what I say, to defend himself or to verbally attack me
9. Even if not physically violent, becomes verbally aggressive, intimidating body language, kicks walls or punches them when frustrated or angry
10. Hides all this under proclamations of love and physical tenderness. (This means he thinks love is just a a feeling, not a behaviour)

MY RED FLAGS

1. Trying to understand his behaviour (top tip: it doesn't matter if you understand or not - it won't change him - just GET OUT)
2. Thinking 'if only I can find the right words, I will be able to get thought to him'. (top tip - the issue is not how you are communicating, it's that he doesn't think you are worth listening to)
3. Making jokes/ excuses for his behaviour
4. Feeling sorry for him and his deficiencies
5. Believing a relationship needs to be worked at
6. Thinking I am a good person if I put him first
7. Essentially, not believing that I mattered enough to stand my ground and stand up for myself

Between my 2 ex partners:

1. Telling me people only go to the gym to have affairs. Exp

1. Telling me using a professional for anything is me being conned and they know nothing and I am gullible. Exh, exp and a minor bf. Included anyone from personal trainer to lawn installer!!!

1. Total disdain for me furthering my career. I have a degree and am ploughing through a masters. Both exh and exp tried to physically obstruct this. Neither have tertiary qualifications though earn a good living.

1. Trying to get rid of my best friend. Her exp tried it too. I would choose her over any man in the future. Exp and exh both have v poor understanding of loyalty.

1. Very frightening poor supervision of the children resulting in injury. Dd1 made a disclosure today that exh new baby is being injured in this way too.

1. Being very awkward about anything which needs to be booked in advance. Continues to be like this though we are long divorced. Meaning the kids and me go to lots of theatre/events/on holiday and with dad they rarely do.

I will have more!