Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Gutted and heartbroken

111 replies

Ragcat · 29/12/2018 06:56

My husband of 10 yrs (been together for 23 years) announced two weeks before Christmas that he was in love with someone else and didn’t want to be with me anymore, we have 3 children and I am absolutely devastated. He says that I don’t treat him very well and that he doesn’t feel loved by me, he wants someone that makes him happy. I feel that I have done nothing but support him throughout our relationship and have always put him first, he doesn’t want to work on things and won’t let me try and put things right. I guess it all started to go wrong when he joined the gym 2 years ago and became friends with one of the fitness instructors, she flirted with him and made him feel good about himself, he then started to compare her to me, he couldn’t hide how happy she made him, he talked about her all the time and I became so anxious about it all. At some point he realised that actually she wasn’t that nice of a person and he seemed to come back to me, I know that they didn’t have a physical affair. He talks to a lot of women at the gym and he loves the attention, the new woman he is ‘in love’ with goes to the class that he does at the gym and lives across the road from our house, she also takes her son to football training at the same time as my son. He has basically fallen in love with her after chatting to her at the gym and at football training and I can’t understand any of it. He is still living here, he is moving out gradually over the next couple of weeks, I just cant believe he has done this to me, he doesn’t seem to care at all about me, he has no understanding of how devastated I am or how this is going to impact the kids. He has already joined Tinder and sent the new woman a wave across Facebook. I know I need to stop snooping at his email but I honestly don’t know how I am ever going to get over just how easily and swiftly he has dumped me and is moving on, it is utterly heartbreaking.

OP posts:
Gina2012 · 29/12/2018 07:01

How old are your children?

Would you consider packing his stuff and putting it outside the house? Tell him to go?

Sending you lots of love Thanks

Jazzhan · 29/12/2018 07:07

That's sad. He seems to have his mind made up, so not much you can do really?

newdaylight · 29/12/2018 07:09

So sorry.

He's living in a fantasy land

Original poster
Ragcat · 29/12/2018 07:14

My children are 14, 12 and 5, I don’t want to upset them anymore than they need to be by throwing him out. It’s such a horrible situation.

OP posts:
Weenurse · 29/12/2018 07:18

Look out for the script.

He hasn’t been happy for years.
It is all you fault.
She understands him.
Get your financial ducks in a row and get legal advice ASAP.
Take half money out of joint account.
He has been planning this for a while and is three steps ahead of you.
DO NOT DO THE ‘PICK ME’ DANCE!

donajimena · 29/12/2018 07:19

He is talking utter utter bollocks. Putting you down is because he is rewriting history to ease his guilt and justify his infidelity. Have a mooch on this board. There are several threads where surprise surprise the wife has been a shit partner (but she probably hasn't) I'll find you the 'cheaters script' and it may bring you comfort.
Meanwhile tell him you are sorry you have been such an awful wife (with your fingers crossed behind your back) and tell him to leave. Keep the script handy because this is where he will start flip-flapping.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 29/12/2018 07:22

He's treated you appallingly. Best thing you can do is to act like you don't care. Get him and his stuff out of the house asap - no allowing him to come and go between the two houses.
Get hold of all your financial information - pension details etc and get a solicitor to nail down hi financial obligations to you. Do it quickly before he starts making promises to do right by you (which he is unlikely to do once he realises how much it costs to maintain two households and have fun with one). Don't give him any wiggle room and don't start doing the 'pick me' dance.

You have to just let this play out now and protect yourself and the kids financially.
He may well want to come back when he realises the grass isn't always greener, or he may never regret bring a shit husband and father and not look back. But either way, you need to get yourself into the strongest position you can.
Doing the practical stuff will help - it takes some of the control back x

Lexjo · 29/12/2018 07:23

What an absolute shit. Come on the these boards when you're feeling low or lonely. There is so much support here. We have your back. There are women with experience of this who can offer better advice than me, but know that you have done nothing wrong. You deserve love from someone who can stay true to you. Better to be alone than with a cheating turd donkey like this guy. Sending love xx (my advice is to remove him as swiftly as you can from your home) xxx

donajimena · 29/12/2018 07:24

Have a look at the above. Dry your tears (in front of him you can cry yourself dry alone) and as has been suggested get practical and get him out of the house.

Gina2012 · 29/12/2018 07:25

Of course you don't want to upset the children Thanks

But more than anything you need to protect them - financially and emotionally

Staying strong on the outside and getting your ducks in a row, will help both you and the kids

Original poster
Ragcat · 29/12/2018 07:27

Yes, I have seen the script and the midlife crisis one, he is pretty typical. Unfortunately I have already done some pleading and begging, I just can’t believe that everything has come crashing down. I am really starting to see exactly what sort of man he is, it’s the complete lack of empathy and the ease at which he has disposed of me that I can’t get my head around. Finances are a mess, everything is such a mess.

OP posts:
Weenurse · 29/12/2018 07:30

Children will be more hurt by uncertainty and seeing you treated like dirt.
Head up, tell him to leave and plan on a future with your children alone.
As PP said, he may flip flop as he may not want to be seen as the cheater. Do not let him back in.
Documents, lawyers and ducks in a row.
I understand you are probably devastated. Is it because he threw away the relationship with no backward glance, or because of breaking the family up?
Are you actually going to miss him as a person?

Gina2012 · 29/12/2018 07:32

Take it one step at a time

Don't panic

Breathe - all will be well eventually - I promise

He needs to go - get him out , get him gone

Get as much family financial information as possible , either take photos or copy or just squirrel it away

Don't beg any more

You've tried. It hasn't worked. Enough.

You can do this.

Weenurse · 29/12/2018 07:33

No more pleading and begging.
Get very matter of fact and ask the hard questions.
‘When will you be gone.’
‘How do we manage the finances.’
How do you want to manage access visits?

Itsgottabebetterthanthis · 29/12/2018 07:33

I am sorry that you are going through this. I have just joined this group although I have been reading about people's experiences. I never post as I don't feel I can't add anything to anyone's life as my own is falling apart. I am sitting here crying my eyes out as my husband of 10 years and 15 years together says he does not love me anymore. He has nothing positive to say about me. It hurts more because he told me this after he had and probably is continuing to have an emotional affair (so he says) with a friend of ours but someone I had become very close to and trusted and happens to work in the same place as him Angry. I just feel this is the trigger and that they are simply laughing at me waiting for me to finally go insane so they can run off in the sunset with our 2 children. Although he says we have always had problems (because of me) and he has grown now and can't take it anymore. He says if it wasn't for the children we would have divorced along time ago. This is also after I pick up and move to sticks as he wanted. I am so lonely and isolated. I hope that you and I and everyone experiencing get this pain can get through each day...one at a time... into 2019 and hopefully beyond.

WeeWheels72 · 29/12/2018 07:35

Sounds like my life a year ago, and its hard. Do not run after him, that was the biggest mistake of my life. My STBXH never did come back, just moved from the woman he left me for, straight into another relationship. He will make you feel it was your fault, he needed attention from someone, you didn't give him it.....then other excuses follow. Its his way off trying not to feel guilty about leaving, leaving the kids, and what other people will think of him. He prob will get nasty towards you, just ignore him (cry on your own). A year later and I'm so much better, but it has been hard getting here. My problem is I can see now, I'm so better off without him, as are the kids, you cant trust someone like that. But as much as I see it, I hate that he is so happy with this other woman, and doesn't care about the heartache he left behind. But being on my own is better than being with someone like that, who will never change. Give him a time that you want him out of the house, and get legal advice, you need it. Be strong, even though you don't feel it, don't let him see you anything but that.....read as many books as you can about this, honestly, it opens your eyes xx

Weenurse · 29/12/2018 07:37

@itsgottobebetterthanthis I am sorry you are going through this.
I see he has picked the same script as OP.
Hang in there and follow the advice offered here 💐

Gina2012 · 29/12/2018 07:37

Hugs @Itsgottabebetterthanthis

You can do this.

I think the most important thing for you is don't believe him. Whatever he says about you is said to assuage his own guilt. Do not believe his words about you

Original poster
Ragcat · 29/12/2018 07:40

I thought he was my best friend and soul mate, we like the same things, he makes me laugh, he has worked hard to provide us with everything we need. Last year he whisked me off on holiday and bought me a new engagement ring to replace one I lost. He can also be controlling, he tells me I am rubbish at most things, he buys my clothes and throws away ones I have bought, everything in the world has to revolve around him.

OP posts:
QueenOfTheCroneAge · 29/12/2018 07:41

Ok, pleading and begging is normal after a bombshell like this, so don't beat yourself up about it. Now do an Oscar winning performance of acceptance and (if you can manage it) a little excitement at the prospect of a new life without him. As pps have said - get the financials legally sorted so he doesn't fuck you and your DC over when reality strikes. Also do not allow him to drag out the leaving process.

Get your hair done. Nice new clothes, make up, go out with friends. Honestly it will help your self esteem which will naturally have taken a battering.

Interesting that he is jumping from one woman to another and is already on Tinder. Kid in a sweetshop! pathetic.

QueenOfTheCroneAge · 29/12/2018 07:44

Your last post OP - wow! think yourself lucky this controlling arse is leaving! you are well rid! now deffo get new clothes - to YOUR taste not his. Blimey.

Weenurse · 29/12/2018 07:45

Controlling asshat.
Throws away clothes you have bought.
He has done you a favour , make sure he stays gone.

Megthehen · 29/12/2018 07:46

Poor you - is he moving in with the new woman he "loves" across the road? Why Tinder when he has already found his new love? he seems to be living in some love island fantasy,..probably sees you as the obstacle to this and the children? Has he considered the impact here? He may say that they will get over it??If so, find your anger for them if not yourself and let Mr Shallow swan off into his Tinder dream world after meeting all his financial obligations to you and his children. He has been building up to this over a few years
...not swift as you say. Don't blame yourself, don't be nice to him - his obligation to your children is what matters. You may feel broken but I bet you can identify feeling second best for a number of years? please try and do something nurturing for yourself, who really cares for you? try to take some time for yourself. You will gradually mend, feel better about yourself and many people including strangers like me will be thinking of you and your children and sending you love Flowers

Gina2012 · 29/12/2018 07:54

everything in the world has to revolve around him.

Thankfully no longer

He sounds like someone who you'd do well to get rid of.