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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Gutted and heartbroken

111 replies

Ragcat · 29/12/2018 06:56

My husband of 10 yrs (been together for 23 years) announced two weeks before Christmas that he was in love with someone else and didn’t want to be with me anymore, we have 3 children and I am absolutely devastated. He says that I don’t treat him very well and that he doesn’t feel loved by me, he wants someone that makes him happy. I feel that I have done nothing but support him throughout our relationship and have always put him first, he doesn’t want to work on things and won’t let me try and put things right. I guess it all started to go wrong when he joined the gym 2 years ago and became friends with one of the fitness instructors, she flirted with him and made him feel good about himself, he then started to compare her to me, he couldn’t hide how happy she made him, he talked about her all the time and I became so anxious about it all. At some point he realised that actually she wasn’t that nice of a person and he seemed to come back to me, I know that they didn’t have a physical affair. He talks to a lot of women at the gym and he loves the attention, the new woman he is ‘in love’ with goes to the class that he does at the gym and lives across the road from our house, she also takes her son to football training at the same time as my son. He has basically fallen in love with her after chatting to her at the gym and at football training and I can’t understand any of it. He is still living here, he is moving out gradually over the next couple of weeks, I just cant believe he has done this to me, he doesn’t seem to care at all about me, he has no understanding of how devastated I am or how this is going to impact the kids. He has already joined Tinder and sent the new woman a wave across Facebook. I know I need to stop snooping at his email but I honestly don’t know how I am ever going to get over just how easily and swiftly he has dumped me and is moving on, it is utterly heartbreaking.

OP posts:
clumsyduck · 31/12/2018 08:24

Op ignore 90 percent of what he's said and most certainly stop blaming yourself . He's had his head turned , it's not you , you can be perfect and people still cheat / leave . This is a new experience for you but there are endless threads on it on here alone . It's not you!!!

Gina2012 · 31/12/2018 10:18

I can’t stop loving him just like that.

Maybe not

But you can start loving you and DC more. Much much more.

And as you do this, you will see how YOU allowing HIM to treat you like shit, must stop. Forever.

Original poster
Ragcat · 31/12/2018 14:24

My emotions can change from one moment to the next, but right now I kind of feel liberated, like I am no longer responsible for him. I have just watched him struggle to order his new bedding from Argos for his bachelor pad and he will now have to collect it, something I always would have had to do. For the first time in his life he has to be responsible for himself and it feels like a load of pressure has lifted off me. I hope that when he has gone I get more feelings like this.

OP posts:
Snog · 31/12/2018 14:54

There will be a lot of stuff that goes much better in your life once he has gone.

Your life will be your own OP with nobody to crush you or manipulate you.

AcrossthePond55 · 31/12/2018 19:32

You will be FULL of those liberated feelings when his sorry ass is gone, I guaran-damn-tee it!!!

You enjoy those feelings! Rejoice in them!!

WhoKnewBeefStew · 31/12/2018 19:44

My ex and I split in similar circumstances. I spent months thinking if I’d auppprted him more, was thinner, gave him more secure, spent more money on him (etc etc) he wouldn’t have left. It took me a while until a friend said to me, even if I’d have done all those things he’d have still left. You know why? He left because he was an abusive cunt, that’s why! And I had no control over that. Good luck op. It’s the best thing that could have happenedb

Gina2012 · 31/12/2018 19:49

I hope that when he has gone I get more feelings like this.

You will

Sometimes they will come beautifully naturally

Sometimes you'll have to force yourself to feel them

But over time you will realise how lucky you are to be rid of the Drongo Man

Weenurse · 01/01/2019 05:00

Stay strong

Original poster
Ragcat · 01/01/2019 13:09

Well he is still bloody here but last night I got angry and bagged all his stuff up and threw it outside and told him exactly why he needs to go. He had sat there on his bloody phone all night whilst me and the kids tried to make the most out of New Years Eve. I felt so positive yesterday I made a list of all the things I want to achieve this year, things that I have wanted to do for ages but know that he wouldn’t entertain because it wasn’t his idea. I discussed the list with the children and he looked crushed because I think for the first time he realised that we’re going to be ok without him. He has done an about turn today and cancelled Tinder and his date because he is not ‘ready’. He has gone to collect the things he needs for his bachelor pad so I am hoping he is going today. I actually feel so positive about the future, I just need to sort out finances and logistics.

OP posts:
notacooldad · 01/01/2019 13:13

You are not throwing him out if you pack his stuff and take it out. You are simply accelerating the timescale of him moving.
He has already told you he is off. Take some control back and say Bye then! I now your heart is breaking and it will kill you to do it but he is taking you for a bloody fool. How dare he!!

notacooldad · 01/01/2019 13:13

You posted as i was typing!!

Original poster
Ragcat · 01/01/2019 13:56

Thank you for the messages of encouragement and support. I told him last night that if he didn’t change his controlling ways any new woman will run a mile, he says he is like that with me because he has never loved me enough. I think he is actually scared now that he can’t change and I have a point. I feel bad about saying such harsh trues to him, he thinks I am just out to attack him and say things to hurt him, but if he is a true narcissist, he won’t change will he? Argh! I’m getting sad again now, I still bloody love him!

OP posts:
Original poster
Ragcat · 01/01/2019 17:43

Well he’s gone but he is angry now because of what I did with his stuff last night and what I told him (some home truths). I lost him on messenger because I deactivated my Facebook account, so I told him I had added him again in case I need to contact him, he sent me a message that simply said F@@k off. I hope he goes away and calms down because I am in for a very rough ride if he stays angry. He has only taken a carrier bag of stuff with him so he is obviously planning on swanning in and out as he pleases because it is ‘his house too’. I did say some horrible things to him that I do regret, I am doing dry January so hope that I can avoid drunken confrontation again and try and remain the better person.

OP posts:
WeeWheels72 · 01/01/2019 18:06

Hes angry because you aren't doing what he wanted, you aren't being weak and crying for him back! Well done!!! He doesn't like the home truths because he knows you are right. And he now knows he has lost any chance of walking back in if his life doesn't work out.
I hired a skip, and through all my STBXH's stuff in it. He didn't come get them, so I go rid of them. After a few months, you see what kind of man he really was, and things do start getting better. also remember there is a very thin line between love & hate, but it wont be to long before it goes the right way for you.....keep strong x

ThePinkOcelot · 01/01/2019 18:29

OP read back what you have been saying about him. If you read that on here by someone else, what would you think?

The more you write, the worse he sounds tbh! Good luck to him in finding someone who would put up with him!

Give it a few months and you will feel totally different about all of this. Scream inside your head when you’re getting upset. It worked for me!x

Weenurse · 02/01/2019 04:38

Well done, good luck

Gina2012 · 02/01/2019 05:32

He has only taken a carrier bag of stuff with him so he is obviously planning on swanning in and out as he pleases because it is ‘his house too’

I'd get all his stuff packed and ready for him. Being helpful Wink

Is there any way you can get the locks changed?

MitziK · 02/01/2019 07:11

He can't be that much in love with her if he's put himself on Tinder.

It's shit, he's a shit, I'm sorry.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 02/01/2019 11:20

He can't be that much in love with her if he's put himself on Tinder.

This!

AcrossthePond55 · 02/01/2019 16:17

I know you technically can't change locks in a jointly-owned/leased home, but you can damn sure put latches or bolts on the doors so at least he can't 'swan in' when you are at home. Do it!

See a solicitor ASAP.

Original poster
Ragcat · 02/01/2019 20:07

So he did swan in this morning I think it was supposed to be his attempt at seeing the kids, but he spent the whole time on his phone setting up another dating app. I know that because I did his invoices for him (we need the money desperado) and one of them I always email, so I logged in to the email account that I normally send it from and there was the confirmation, to be honest it just made me smile. He then set about getting his best ‘going out clothes’ together which obviously means he has a date lined up. Oh and then he announced that he is cancelling the new car that he ordered before Christmas because he thinks a 7 seater car would be better. When I asked why, he said that he might meet someone with children and we have 3 so he needs a bigger car! Is he actually living on this planet? He won’t even discuss finances and practicalities of seeing the children but instead he is forward planning accommodating his new family. It is laughable isn’t it?

OP posts:
Orange6904 · 02/01/2019 20:15

Wow, he sounds really self absorbed and unfeeling @Ragcat. Why can't he just wait a bit. Good luck, looks like you've had some good advice from the other posters.

AcrossthePond55 · 02/01/2019 20:19

Put latches on the doors!!! And don't rise to anything he says or does. Changing the car he's ordered? The correct response is a distracted 'mm-hmm' or just silence.

Remember that everything he says and does is geared at getting your goat. The only way to stop that is to NOT react to it. Supreme indifference.

And never mind discussing finances and practicalities (see above). Your solicitor can do that for you much more effectively!

Bluntness100 · 02/01/2019 20:24

He is trying to make you jealous.

Anyway, I thought he was in love with thr woman across the road or whatever, sounds like he is quite immature.

You're well rid.

DogDayMorning · 02/01/2019 20:32

He sounds bonkers

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