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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Gutted and heartbroken

111 replies

Ragcat · 29/12/2018 06:56

My husband of 10 yrs (been together for 23 years) announced two weeks before Christmas that he was in love with someone else and didn’t want to be with me anymore, we have 3 children and I am absolutely devastated. He says that I don’t treat him very well and that he doesn’t feel loved by me, he wants someone that makes him happy. I feel that I have done nothing but support him throughout our relationship and have always put him first, he doesn’t want to work on things and won’t let me try and put things right. I guess it all started to go wrong when he joined the gym 2 years ago and became friends with one of the fitness instructors, she flirted with him and made him feel good about himself, he then started to compare her to me, he couldn’t hide how happy she made him, he talked about her all the time and I became so anxious about it all. At some point he realised that actually she wasn’t that nice of a person and he seemed to come back to me, I know that they didn’t have a physical affair. He talks to a lot of women at the gym and he loves the attention, the new woman he is ‘in love’ with goes to the class that he does at the gym and lives across the road from our house, she also takes her son to football training at the same time as my son. He has basically fallen in love with her after chatting to her at the gym and at football training and I can’t understand any of it. He is still living here, he is moving out gradually over the next couple of weeks, I just cant believe he has done this to me, he doesn’t seem to care at all about me, he has no understanding of how devastated I am or how this is going to impact the kids. He has already joined Tinder and sent the new woman a wave across Facebook. I know I need to stop snooping at his email but I honestly don’t know how I am ever going to get over just how easily and swiftly he has dumped me and is moving on, it is utterly heartbreaking.

OP posts:
WhoKnewBeefStew · 29/12/2018 20:46

I’d be furious with him.

Get all your paperwork in order and keep any evidence like text messages etc should you need them. Start with a date from him as to when he moves out etc. Start taking control of the situation, it’ll make you feel better.

As for his accounts, of course you can carry on doing them, for £500 per day, otherwise he can pay an accountant. But before you tell him this, take copies of all statements etc so he can’t dodge anything in the divorce or plead poverty to the csa. Draft out a schedule as to when he can see the dc. If he doesn’t agree then off to court and let a judge decide.

Original poster
Ragcat · 29/12/2018 21:06

I am hurting so bad, I confronted him about Tinder, he was cross I snooped on him. He thinks because he hasn’t had an affair he hasn’t done anything wrong. He won’t just leave because of the children. He thinks I should be over this by now and I am overreacting. There is no body I can talk to.

OP posts:
WhoKnewBeefStew · 29/12/2018 21:19

I don’t think you are over reacting OP. I think it’s grounds for divorce!

Tiredmum100 · 29/12/2018 22:18

He sounds like a right numpty. I hope in the future you look back and realise how much better off you are without him. Who the hell does he think he is throwing out your clothes. What a wanker. Sorry but he sounds like a pathetic immature idiot. He's done you a favour. Kick him out. The woman across the road is probably avoiding him. 'Waving' at her. She's probably embarrassed for him. Flipping hell he sounds like a love sick teenager. He's the fool not you.

notaflyingmonkey · 29/12/2018 22:34

Can you buy yourself some new clothes to replace the ones that he got rid off? Or just some clothes that you like so that you can bin the ones that he chose for you?

notaflyingmonkey · 29/12/2018 22:37

And don't let him tell you how you should or shouldn't be reacting in response to his behaviour. What does that mean that he won't just leave because of the children? Get him to agree a date that he moves out by so that the children aren't put through any more of this than they need to be.

AcrossthePond55 · 29/12/2018 22:41

Thinks you are overreacting???!!!???

What, does he expect to be able to 'live separately together' so you can facilitate his single lifestyle? Fuck that for a game of soldiers!!!

I know your overriding emotion is sorrow, but trust me, anger is there too. Now dig deep down, reach past the hurt and sadness, and dredge up the anger that is simmering there. Bring it up and use it.

Get your ducks in a row (financial records, incomings/outgoings, assets etc. See a solicitor. Find one who is a shark and use their knowledge to get yourself the best deal possible. Do it now while he (possibly) has some lingering guilt over the way he's treated you, or when he's still thinking he wants out quickly.

And TELL. Tell your friends, tell your family how abominably he's treated you.

FuckItPassMeTheWine · 29/12/2018 22:46

Op find your anger , he has been emotionally unfaithful to you twice . You are worth ten of him and if this other woman has such low esteem that she is open to flirting with a married man then she has issues herself.
You need to block him out in terms of seeing him as your soul mate, he is not , he is now your enemy. By all means be civil in front of the children but remember that he is not your friend. Can he live with his parents for a while ? I’d suggest that you ask him to leave so that you can become adjusted quicker to the new setup. He can then have all the privacy he needs . You should go see a solicitor ASAP , get a shark 🦈. Draw out half the money of whatever is in joint bank accounts and cut up and credit cards that are in both your names so he can’t use them.
He is a shit for doing this to you right over the Christmas period , there is never a good time but that is horrendous , this shows you who he truly is . Sending you strength FlowersBrew xx

Weenurse · 29/12/2018 23:50

💐

Gina2012 · 30/12/2018 18:36

Why don't you see your GP and ask for some help.

Perhaps also contact Relate

You're not alone and we are all here for you

Please don't listen to your partner. He's wrong. There's no timeline to any of this.

You need to do what's right for you and DC

Doobee · 30/12/2018 18:52

You can talk to us OP. You’re not on your own. Take back control. He’s treated you appallingly. Tell him “out today”. Don’t let him come and go. You can only start to heal once he’s out.

EKGEMS · 30/12/2018 21:22

He's an utter son of a bitch! You should "be over it by now" You need to get to a solicitor Wednesday morning and get your ducks in a row. He should pay child support and spousal maintenance if at all possible. Make copies of bank account numbers, get the childrens' passports and stop doing anything for him-cooking,laundry,etc.

Original poster
Ragcat · 31/12/2018 01:43

He’s spent all evening on Facebook messenger, I asked him who he is messaging and he said a friend who is helping him to heal. I cannot stand being around him anymore, it’s like torture, how can he be so cruel? He couldn’t even wait 2 days to move out and start his womanising. I had to leave the house for a walk to escape, I have just got back, he says he will go tomorrow. I feel like I can’t get much lower but I still have to face him being with someone else physically, I honestly don’t know if I can survive this.

OP posts:
Monty27 · 31/12/2018 01:50

Dump him out

SwordofGryffindor · 31/12/2018 02:24

Please tell him to go get a hotel and kick him out!

Weenurse · 31/12/2018 03:44

Hotel tonight 💐

Original poster
Ragcat · 31/12/2018 05:28

I tried to wrestle his phone off him, he thinks I’ve gone psycho, I do feel like I’m losing my mind. I really am better off without him aren’t I? I feel so bloody wretched. I need to find my dignity again. I am drinking too much, I need to do dry January.

OP posts:
Megthehen · 31/12/2018 05:51

A "friend helping him to heal" that is some new age crap. He sounds like a pathetic self interested loser. That he can say that whilst you are emotionally reeling from what he dumped on you. He is not your friend; so sorry for your pain. Let him go ... him being there acting like this must be torture. You will make it through.

Lolorolomolo · 31/12/2018 06:06

I’ve going through the same thing, few months futher down the line. I feel your pain, literally. Try to pick one friend who you can confide in in real life and keep posting.

whynot93 · 31/12/2018 06:14

He needs to get out the house for your own sanity!! He's being so cruel to you and watching you crumble. Try to steer clear of drink, I know that feeling well and yes it does take the edge off but if your not careful you'll be reliable on the stuff before you know it.! Dry January it is.. oh and a new life without this twat! Hugs xx

Gina2012 · 31/12/2018 06:42

If he refuses to leave the house please contact women's aid. They will help you sort this. You are suffering from his EA

Original poster
Ragcat · 31/12/2018 07:14

Thinking about it our relationship has been so dysfunctional for a long time, slowly over time the emotional abuse has obviously affected me and I have shut down a lot of myself. He is now turning things around and using my behaviour as reasons to leave me. He has always been the one to instigate physical affection and if I tried he would knock me back and in a jokey way say ‘I do the touching’ he is now saying I never gave him any affection. His constant put downs and lack of interest in me and what I had to say made me quiet and withdrawn, he is now saying I am boring. If I drank too much on several occasions over the years I have confronted him about how he treats me and how unloved I felt, he is saying I am a nightmare when drunk and an embarrassment to him. About three times in our relationship I have reacted to nasty things he has said by hitting him, something I am deeply ashamed of, the last example was recently we went out for a meal with friends and he started an argument at the table with one of them, he says he was defending me but he upset the friend so when she left the table, I punched him in the arm and asked him to please drop it, he says I physically abuse him. He makes it sound like I have treated him so badly and not supported him, yet I drop anything to help him out. I helped him run a small marquee business, he would think nothing of leaving me to take down whole marquees on my own (one year on my birthday) all be it whilst he worked another job, but I never got any thanks or appreciation. He would send me all over to pick things up or drop things off, all whilst I had the children to look after and my own job. I never once complained about doing any of that and yet he says I have never supported him. I have passed 2 degrees and never got an ounce of recognition or congratulations from him, my Mum came to my graduation ceremony. Over the years I have suffered jibes about my weight, my cooking, how I kept the house, my driving, my appearance, laziness, being snappy but he is now saying how awfully I have treated him. I know I am no angel and I have definitely contributed to some of the problems in our marriage, I do drink too much, I have punished him with silent treatment, I have hit him (3 times in 23 years) but surely it’s not all my fault?

OP posts:
Original poster
Ragcat · 31/12/2018 07:26

God I sound awful don’t I, maybe it is me? Add to the above, snooping at his email, trying to get his phone off him, making him leave, am I the abuser?

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 31/12/2018 08:11

Of course it's not all your fault, but as is the way of things, it's not all his fault either.

If a man came on here and said he punched his wife because she wasn't doing as he wished on a night out there would be an outcry.

Either way, neither of you have covered yourself in glory, and you have both played your part in the relationship breakdown. This is normal. Seldom is a relationship ending all one sided.

Original poster
Ragcat · 31/12/2018 08:21

I feel so guilty that I didn’t nurture him more, care for him more and now he won’t give me the chance to. It’s like I am watching him hit the self destruct button, I can’t stop loving him just like that. This is so hard.

OP posts: