Gutted and heartbroken

[Ragcat]

My husband of 10 yrs (been together for 23 years) announced two weeks before Christmas that he was in love with someone else and didn’t want to be with me anymore, we have 3 children and I am absolutely devastated. He says that I don’t treat him very well and that he doesn’t feel loved by me, he wants someone that makes him happy. I feel that I have done nothing but support him throughout our relationship and have always put him first, he doesn’t want to work on things and won’t let me try and put things right. I guess it all started to go wrong when he joined the gym 2 years ago and became friends with one of the fitness instructors, she flirted with him and made him feel good about himself, he then started to compare her to me, he couldn’t hide how happy she made him, he talked about her all the time and I became so anxious about it all. At some point he realised that actually she wasn’t that nice of a person and he seemed to come back to me, I know that they didn’t have a physical affair. He talks to a lot of women at the gym and he loves the attention, the new woman he is ‘in love’ with goes to the class that he does at the gym and lives across the road from our house, she also takes her son to football training at the same time as my son. He has basically fallen in love with her after chatting to her at the gym and at football training and I can’t understand any of it. He is still living here, he is moving out gradually over the next couple of weeks, I just cant believe he has done this to me, he doesn’t seem to care at all about me, he has no understanding of how devastated I am or how this is going to impact the kids. He has already joined Tinder and sent the new woman a wave across Facebook. I know I need to stop snooping at his email but I honestly don’t know how I am ever going to get over just how easily and swiftly he has dumped me and is moving on, it is utterly heartbreaking.

Yes I pointed out that I thought he was in love with the woman across the road but he said he doesn’t think she is interested and it’s ‘a bit too close to home’. I think now that he has discovered online dating that will be it, he will obsess over it and I suspect he won’t stop looking even when he meets someone. I am intrigued to see how well he will handle the likelihood that the women he dates are likely to be messaging and dating others too. It looks like one big car crash waiting to happen to be honest. I am over the crying, over the anger, I have accepted what is happening and now I need to focus on recovery. I just remembered he suggested a 7 seater car about 2 years ago when all this began!

He's a fecking nut job! Chuck him out!

Do yourself a huge favour, sweetheart. lt might not feel like it now, but trust me, down the line, it will.
Don't pander to his "moving out gradually".
Pack his stuff up, put it outside, and lock the doors. He's controlling, emotionally (at least!) abusive, and cold as hell.
Please don't let your children think it's ok for a man to treat his wife and children like this. lt'll be bloody hard, but think of them and yourself. You need to get some advice, financially and legally, and look after yourself and the kids.
Somewhere down the line, you'll realise you've dodged a bullet. Trust me, l know. Love and hugs x

Go see a solicitor ASAP and make sure you transfer any cash out of a joint account into your account so that you’ve got money for rent/bills

You also need a Deed of Separation ASAP so that he can’t take out loans that you are then liable for.

I have to be very careful how I handle this, he will be an absolute nightmare if I anger him and it will be playing in to his hands. He is bringing up things from years ago to use as ammunition so I don’t want to give him anything new to punish me with. It’s going to be hard not to react but I think he is slowly digging his own grave and I am happy to stand back and watch. I know it’s mean but at the moment I don’t want him to get his happily ever after, I just want him to be hurt like I have been and that sounds so awful and not like me at all.

I think you are doing amazingly well, keep your head up and stay strong

I don't think it sounds so awful. Sounds pretty 'human' to me!

What 'nightmare' are you afraid of? Are you afraid of physical violence, financial abuse, or (more) emotional abuse? How will it 'play into his hands'?

After a 23 year marriage, you are truly 'Pavlova'd'. He has you attuned to his 'bell' and you respond without thinking; if he says X or does Y, you respond with Z before even consciously thinking about it.

Kicking him the fuck out will put the physical/emotional abuse under your control, at least a bit. I can't tell you the relief I felt when I knew I could lock the door with my ex on the outside or put down the phone on him when he started in on his verbal shit. I could control what I heard. I could control his access to me, physically. Seeing a solicitor and getting legal protection can help with the financial end as well as hopefully controlling his free access to the house.

But start with changing your mindset. So what if he dredges up shit from the past? My ex did the same, but I learnt to let it roll off my back. His words were from his perspective, not mine. His words didn't take money out of my bank account, they didn't break my dishes or make me homeless. They were just words. And words have no real concrete power, other than the power we give them. They were words from a twat who didn't understand what love as in the first place.

Please see a solicitor ASAP. Study and learn what your financial position is, get a solid idea of the costs of running your home and debt (you say things are a 'mess', you need to understand that mess). I was lucky in that I have always worked and earned a good salary, so I was in a strong position. Perhaps things are or are not as bleak as you think they are, but you need to know!

He seems to have calmed down for now, he FaceTimed me from his batchelor pad this morning and gave me a guided tour, he has made an appointment at the bank to sort out the joint account, I am not too worried about finances, I work nearly full time and I should be able to claim tax credits. I know that I will end up with very little from him because he is self employed he can put many costs through his business and end up earning very little on paper. I am thinking that this is why he ordered the new car, it will go through his business and reduce his income, he was also serious about the 7 seater, he has made enquiries today. He says that he will see me right but when he is driving his new family around in his new car, he isn’t going to be thinking about us is he? He has obviously been thinking about leaving me for about 2 years, we looked at new cars around that time and he was interested in 7 seaters then. I remember him looking at photos of friends on Facebook who were on second relationships after marriage, he remarked at how happy they looked. Most of the debts are in his name, he wants to keep his equity in the house so he is going to continue to pay half of the mortgage. Does anyone know about claiming tax credits after separation? His address at the moment is temporary, do you have to provide evidence of his new address? I really am trying to keep things civil for the sake of the children and I really don’t want to rattle his cage, he would never be physically abusive but he would have no qualms in trying to get custody of the children or something like that. I know he knows how to play me and I have let him walk all over me but I just need to bide my time and get out of this as unscathed as possible. I was worried that I would continue to try and win him back and be so jealous of someone else being with him but I don’t feel any of those things anymore, I feel sorry for whoever falls for his charm, I really hope she works him out quickly and runs for the hills!

I think you need to start putting some lines down of what is and isn't appropropriate for him to be talking to you about. You are his wife - he is easing his guilt by showing you the bachelor pad, and prolonging the pain for you to be having conversations with you about dating other women. I would suggest you either start saying to him that conversations about those things are off the cards, or start going grey rock with him when he raises them. Stick to conversing about the subjects that you need resolved - I need x for my solicitor, when can you provide it type of thing. It bursts his bubble to keep pulling things back to reality.

Agree 100% with flyingmonkey (odd to say I'm agreeing with a flying monkey ).

You need react with stony silence or better yet say 'I'm not interested in that, I'm interested in.....' and change the subject to an issue that needs to be resolved.

he would have no qualms in trying to get custody of the children or something like that.

He can 'try' all he likes, but that's very unlikely to happen. The courts rule for what's in the best interests of the child, not for placating some asshole man-child with a grudge against his ex-wife.

I know he knows how to play me and I have let him walk all over me but I just need to bide my time and get out of this as unscathed as possible

No love, you need to learn how to NOT let him 'play you'. Because that shit isn't going to stop just because you are divorced. He will continue to 'play you' for as long as you let him. He will 'play you' over changing access dates/times. He will 'play you' over changing or withholding maintenance. He will 'play you' every time you don't give into his demands.