He's just told me he's got herpes!

[dancingqueen345]

I went on a second date last night and just as we were about to leave he said because we'd had another really good night there was something he needed to tell me, and told me that he had herpes.

I had no idea what to say so I just kind of mumbled through saying I'd had a nice time too and thanks for telling me.

I came home and started furiously googling and from what I can see there is actually a fairly small chance of passing it to a partner (provided you avoid flare ups and use protection), but I'm not sure if I can get over the mental aspect of it, am I going to be scared every time we have sex?! Will I still be able to touch him normally? Go down on him? (Sorry TMI).

I really like this guy (as much as one can after 2 dates, I'm not a believer in love at first sight), and I also massively respect how hard It must have been for him to tell me, so I want to be delicate with this, but equally I do have questions that maybe only he can answer because they could effect me long term.

Has anyone been through this or a similar situation and can firstly give me reassurance that my stats are accurate about stopping the spread, and secondly, anyone living with someone with herpes and can advise on any changes you've had to make in the bedroom/general life to accommodate it (if any!).

I think I need to hide this thread, while the majority have been great there are a select few who clearly think a moral, decent person like me should be rejected stigmatised and alone forever.

Just remember the virus is on the whole dormant and symptomless for most, but the stigma makes people who have it feel diseased and dirty. Try a little kindness every now and then.

Leatherandsilk I think you should hide it. I have done the same with similar threads before. And probably will with this too.

I would say that generally I notice with time that the threads are becoming less judgemental. Most people are understanding, with the occasional arsehole thrown in.

Massive un-MN hugs for what has obviously been a monumentally shit time for you.

Leathersandsilk it's not about judgement though. No one is saying people with herpes should be stigmatised, are dirty, immoral or anything like that. It's just a skin condition - but unfortunately it is contagious and can be painful, so you can't blame people for not wanting to catch it. I say this as someone who has HSV as I said up thread. I don't "judge" people with colds, tummy bugs, etc either but I still take precautions so I don't catch them myself.

I feel no stigma or judgement in a moral sense but in a physical sense having weeping painful sores regularly just isn't pleasant. I'd prefer if I didn't get them.

I think this chap sounds honourable and brave. There are many men and women out there that wouldn’t disclose this information (as despicable an omission as that is).

My ex caught genital warts from a woman he had unprotected sex with and didn’t tell me he had them. He doesn’t tell any of the women he sleeps with. I was distraught at the time thinking I’d caught an incurable STI (which luckily I didn’t) so understand your reservations. I don’t believe condoms can provide 100% protection for neither herpes or warts.

I guess you just have to ask yourself whether the guy is worth potentially catching an incurable STI? My ex suffered massively with his first bout, the warts themselves didn’t cause him pain but the treatment to eradicate them did and we were also advised to abstain from having sex until they cleared up entirely.

You can only pass it on to your baby if it's the first (and obv undiagnosed) outbreak. If you've had the virus for years you can't pass it on.
Honestly OP I think he sounds lovely tonhave told you. You could meet someone who doesn't disclose or doesn't know (so many people don't!) and be at far greater risk

And - do you get cold sores on your mouth? Well guess what they can be passed on to genitals. Then you have genital herpes. But would anyone say that a person with a cold sore on their mouth had an STI?
No
Honestly, some of the comments on here from (a minority) are downright misinformed and silly.
OP - if you really like this chap, and he obv likes you, then proceed with care and good luck.
Because frankly with rates of herpes as high as they are you're prob safer with someone who has made full disclosure and knows for themselves

Ps
I don't have herpes. But I do know stuff!

I think aslong as your sensible with avoiding flare ups you should be ok. You could seek advice from a sexual health clinic. You wouldn't be reconsidering the relationship if he got gold sores, ultimately he could give you oral or genital herpes from coldsores. The stigma is hugely disproportionate to the risk.

Seacow - you put it so much better than I did with my ramblings!

I wouldnt give up on him because of this and if u do want babies with him then u can get advice from your doctor.sounds like u really like him,brave of him to tell u many wouldnt.

thereallifesaffy, sorry but I'm not sure I agree with your affirmation that you only run the risk of passing on Herpes to your baby if it's the first undiagnosed outbreak. With my two last children the midwives and doctors who were taking care of me during my pregnancy put me on medication for a few weeks prior to labour so as to avoid a new flare up which could endanger my unborn babies.

Thats not true about only being able to
pass it on to a baby if its the first outbreak.

So did he text you back OP?

Sorry if I am misinformed with that. In any case, If there is no flare up it's ok, and if there is, anti virals will keep baby safe. Is that correct?
And obviously a full
And frank conversation with a midwife is essential. I know a couple of midwives, and a case of herpes is nothing to them!

@dancingqueen345 never mind all the informative responses, what I want to know is did the bastard text back 😂😂

I wouldn’t date someone with herpes/cold sores. Why would I knowingly put myself at risk? It’s not like a quick dose of antibiotics and it’s gone it’s forever. Condoms won’t protect you.

thereallifesaffy, yes and yes but obviously one cannot know if the mother will have a flare up or not during the birth so preventative medication is given to be on the safe side.

I haven't had an outbreak for over nine years. Chillpizza condoms reduce the risk of catching herpes by over 96 %.

I think it’s not a big deal as STDs go, symptoms unpleasant but the HPV virus that causes cervical cancer e.g. is far more dangerous.

I wouldn't bother, there's plenty of other great people out there who don't have STI's, why would you want to expose yourself like that?

It's like saying you can't kiss people who get cold sores. As long as they don't have one at the time, it's fine.

Dear chillpizza and bubs101, you probably have herpes already.
I think it would be good for most people to read this:
herpes.org.uk/dr-george-kinghorns-talk-herpes-simplex/
"Having herpes simplex is normal
It is no different to other herpes viruses: all of us have at least three of them. Most of us have had chickenpox, most of us have had herpes simplex 1 or 2 or both. At least 25% have cytomegalovirus [HHV-5]. When we look at antibodies for Epstein Barr virus [HHV-4] which is the cause of glandular fever, nearly all of us are positive for this even if you have not had symptomatic disease, well over 90% of the adult population is infected. And most of us get humanherpes virus (HHV) 6 and 7 by the age of two.

So what I am suggesting to you is that to be infected with a herpes virus is a state of normality, not an abnormality. We tend to make this into a big deal instead of to say that to be infected with herpes virus is something that happens to all adults, some with symptoms and some of us without."

@berrylands.

Thats great to know! Still doesn't change my opinion though. There's a chance of really painful and nasty sores on my vagina, and its a risk I wouldn't take, especially for a man i've only been on 2 dates with. But each to their own, I was only stating my opnion, people are allowed to do whatever the hell they want with thier bodies :)

The point is, if the person doesn't have symptoms, they are not more contagious than someone that doesn't know that carries the virus (most of us). So developing nasty sores in your vagina depends on how your body copes with the infection, unless you are abstaining from sex with anyone to avoid the risks, of course! The only completely safe way against STD is abstinence, sadly.