He's just told me he's got herpes!

[dancingqueen345]

I went on a second date last night and just as we were about to leave he said because we'd had another really good night there was something he needed to tell me, and told me that he had herpes.

I had no idea what to say so I just kind of mumbled through saying I'd had a nice time too and thanks for telling me.

I came home and started furiously googling and from what I can see there is actually a fairly small chance of passing it to a partner (provided you avoid flare ups and use protection), but I'm not sure if I can get over the mental aspect of it, am I going to be scared every time we have sex?! Will I still be able to touch him normally? Go down on him? (Sorry TMI).

I really like this guy (as much as one can after 2 dates, I'm not a believer in love at first sight), and I also massively respect how hard It must have been for him to tell me, so I want to be delicate with this, but equally I do have questions that maybe only he can answer because they could effect me long term.

Has anyone been through this or a similar situation and can firstly give me reassurance that my stats are accurate about stopping the spread, and secondly, anyone living with someone with herpes and can advise on any changes you've had to make in the bedroom/general life to accommodate it (if any!).

Wow there's a lot of ignorance on here, but also some really good advice.

I also think it's great that he's told you - shows that he is responsible, honest and has your welfare at heart. Just posting to concur with the others that it is a highly manageable condition and transmission can be avoided with a few sensible precautions. If you like him, his diagnosis should really not be a factor in deciding whether to pursue the relationship.

I dated a guy with herpes and it was absolutely fine / he had flare ups every year or so and was always very honest about it.
You've got a good one here.

You can’t control for genetic conditions and future illnesses like cancer and tragedies like car crashes in a partner , but you can do your best to control picking a nice guy. He’s been upfront , told you before you got too invested, it’s manageable and you can keep safe, I’d definitely not dump him over this.

This ^^

If you like him, don’t be put off.

I know someone who was diagnosed with herpes 25 years ago. They have had no outbreaks after the initial one.

Bloody hell you meet a responsible man and the vultures are out.
Just take precautions when it flares
I had a dose when I was in my early twenties from an ex that never told me
It was bloody awful but had another less after that and thirty years on never had it again.

I would find it hard to be aroused as well. The fear.

I'd tell him you're still processing the information when you see him later. Don't give him the reassurance that you're 100% fine with it. It's a lot to think about.

I have had herpes for 14 years. My last relationship was 11 years long. We never used barrier contraception, we avoided flare up times, and my partner knew that No meant No.

He didn't contract it and was completely chilled about it.

Sadly I fear that I will be alone in the world forever now because of people's fear of herpes. You see it all the time in jokes etc; wishing herpes on people as some kind of curse. It has a massive social stigma. Someone I really liked who was chasing me consistently, went stone cold after I told him.

There is probably nothing for me now.

Omg I cannot believe what I am hearing!
IT IS. NOT A PROBLEM

I was told I had herpes this year, I have absolutely no idea how to tell people so have avoided meeting anyone and it’s killing me.

But what I do know is:

• coldsores on the mouth are also herpes, while each “strain” is typically found below or above the belt not always. A man who has had a coldsore in the past going down on you is the most growing way to catch Venita herpes, so unless you ask EVERY man you meet if they have had ora herpes in the past you could get it anyway.

• 70% of adults in the UK have it orally, 25% genitally sonif you’ve had more than 2 partners you’ve priababky already slept with someone with it. Difference is, he knows so he can manage it. Actually safer.

• GUM clinics don’t test for it without symptoms and they now call it a skin condition NOT an STI.

• 80% of carriers get no symptoms so you could already have it. Or put symptoms down to shaving rash/thrush/allergy/bit itchy etc.

• I had one spot, once. Have had absolutely nothing since. Wish I didn’t get it checked tbh.

• chance of passing it with condoms, surpressents and no symptoms? Less than 1%

• if you did get it (assuming you haven’t already) you might get a few spots then nothing, or just nothing. Some people do get a painful outbreak but they can take anti vitals which clear it. But it also goes dormant after a while.

• he’s unbelievably brave and if you don’t want him pass on his number please as I don’t want to be alone forever and I’d like some of his bravery.

Herpes is stigma, simple as that.

Oh and Human papilla Virus, also once classed as an STI, can cause cervical cancer (hence the vaccine now), guess how many carry it by late adulthood? 80%!! These things live in our bodies and most of us never know!

Grandma you could very well already have it and not know. Even if you’ve been screened so that’s a very ignorant point of view.

My friend has herpes through no fault of her own, the guy she was dating did not tell her he had it even though he knew he did. She has really struggled through dating since but has always chosen to be up front with it. She met a guy she really liked and told him and he wanted nothing else to do with her. So please if you decide you can't be so sensitive to how it'll make him feel. Personally I would just put sex on the back burner, go on a few more dates and see how you feel a few more weeks down the line.

@FraxinusExcelsior thank you for such an informative post!! And I'm so sorry you're struggling with dating because of it.

There are some absolute areseholes on here. I caught it from an ex and I worry about the stigma and trying to meet someone again. It is the person who is the turn on and not the equipment so as long as you avoid flare ups, you should be ok. Perhaps you could use additional protection though if you are still worried. But thank you all of those who have been judgy and for reinforcing the fear that you are somehow damaged goods with this. Nice attitude

Sorry got my @ wrong there!! @Leatherandsilk thank you for your informative post!!

@FraxinusExcelsior still thank you for yours 😂

Only on Mumsnet can you get away with saying that you wouldn't date a short man but you're not allowed to recommend caution if a man somebody the OP has been on just two dates with divulges that he has herpes.

You probably already have it if you’ve had a frwew partners in the past. A huge amount of people are asymptomatic.

I wouldn’t flinch in the slightest at this news. It’s really great that he told you.

What I do think is quite interesting is that there is so little discussion in most circles about herpes considering its relative prevalence!

I did a search on here before I posted and the last post was from 2016.

@dancingqueen345 also dated a herpes sufferer for 4 years with no issues. I think it's really nice he told you on a second date. He obviously quite likes you and has told you now rather than further on down the track. I would be far more comfortable with someone knowing they'd done that than them leaving it to the last minute or worse, after to tell me.

If he has a flare up you just don't have sex during that time. It can be passed on when there's no flare ups also. My ex only really suffered when he was ill or run down so we'd just end up abstaining for a while.

@Auntiepatricia I know that's a possibility, I've had my fair share of partners and whilst I regularly get check ups I'm fairly sure I've never been specifically tested for herpes.

Dancing, you wouldn’t know it until you have a flare up anyway. I’m not sure you can test while it’s dormant.

My housemate at uni had genital herpes (her then boyfriend gave it to her from a coldsore). She has since gone on to get married and has two children. Her husband doesn’t have it and it wasn’t an issue during her pregnancy/labour, although could have been if she had had a flare up during childbirth but she just appreciated the extra monitoring she received.

I can understand your apprehension but it wouldn’t be a deal breaker for me although it would have been if I’d found out at a later date and felt the man had been dishonest by not saying anything.

@Auntiepatricia I've is right. They swap the area or confirm with bloods - but they don't just test blood for herpes it's something they look at alongside others if that makes sense

Re kids. No. If he isn't on an outbreak, you won't contract herpes so you can have a healthy bub. If you were to get it, and we're on an outbreak at the time of delivery, you'd be given a c-section to avoid passing to the child.

It's not the death sentence people assume and the fact he has told you so early? Fucking excellent. That's a good human right there.