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Original poster

He's just told me he's got herpes!

140 replies

dancingqueen345 · 27/12/2018 07:56

I went on a second date last night and just as we were about to leave he said because we'd had another really good night there was something he needed to tell me, and told me that he had herpes.

I had no idea what to say so I just kind of mumbled through saying I'd had a nice time too and thanks for telling me.

I came home and started furiously googling and from what I can see there is actually a fairly small chance of passing it to a partner (provided you avoid flare ups and use protection), but I'm not sure if I can get over the mental aspect of it, am I going to be scared every time we have sex?! Will I still be able to touch him normally? Go down on him? (Sorry TMI).

I really like this guy (as much as one can after 2 dates, I'm not a believer in love at first sight), and I also massively respect how hard It must have been for him to tell me, so I want to be delicate with this, but equally I do have questions that maybe only he can answer because they could effect me long term.

Has anyone been through this or a similar situation and can firstly give me reassurance that my stats are accurate about stopping the spread, and secondly, anyone living with someone with herpes and can advise on any changes you've had to make in the bedroom/general life to accommodate it (if any!).

OP posts:
BakerBear · 27/12/2018 09:56

Lots of drama on here i see!!

I have it, im not bothered by it. Got it when i was around 19. Most people have it but done know.

You can get it even when you wear a condom. Condoms do not protect you from herpes.

I have a flare up maybe twice a year for 5 days or so.

Dh has it now. Hes not bothered by it either.

Its basically a cold sore virus but instead of on your lips it on your labia instead.

Would you refuse to date someone who had the cold sore virus?

Original poster
dancingqueen345 · 27/12/2018 09:57

Appreciate those of you with it might not want to answer this which I totally understand, but if you know when/who you contracted it from, how quickly afterwards did you know? Would the initial flair up happen quite quickly or could I contract it and it stay dormant in my body for a while?

OP posts:
Ruddle91 · 27/12/2018 10:02

Tbf the fact this guy has been upfront and honest about this when he didn't have to be and it may have even stopped the relationship is a reason why I WOULD continue to date him.

Original poster
dancingqueen345 · 27/12/2018 10:02

@BakerBear I'm not sure you can call this drama, people are just being honest. And it sounds like you found a really good guy but as you can see from other posters it has really affected their dating lives post diagnosis.

It's not necessarily the physical aspect of it, I understand it can be managed and protected against, it's the stigma and the mental side of the diagnosis that can have a longer lasting impact.

OP posts:
Paddy1234 · 27/12/2018 10:15

My experience was thirty years ago. I had one initial horrible flare up. A couple of smaller ones after within the course of a couple of years and nothing since.

Paddy1234 · 27/12/2018 10:16

Has two children and no problems at all

Leatherandsilk · 27/12/2018 10:26

Dancing I will answer, I believe I got it from a rape early this year, the only reason I know is I was tested for everything and on my last tests (months later) I had a spot. I got the results about a week ago AFTER I have had a ONS so feel sick I didn’t know.

However the lady at the clinic says I can’t pin it on him, it could have been the very first man I slept with as a teenager, or my ex DH or anyone and it’s laid dormant until I was stressed and my immune system was low. Even if you did get an outbreak you couldn’t be sure it was him if you sleep with this man. In fact if he knows, uses protection and takes suppressants it’s unlikely to be.

There are 2 types HSV1 (oral) and HSV2 (genital) but they can transfer one to the other and it’s juat where they prefer to hang out above or below the waist. The growing type is HSV1 (oral) carried genital on women as the number of men who are willing to give oral sex increases.

In fact have you ever had an oral coldsore? If so you could have given that to any man you’ve gone down on.

Original poster
dancingqueen345 · 27/12/2018 10:34

@Leatherandsilk I'm so so sorry, that's horrific. Hope you've got real life support around you. Xx

No I've never had a cold sore.

OP posts:
ImNotKitten · 27/12/2018 10:38

The thing is, people are saying to just avoid being intimate when he has a flare up, but I thought this could be passed on without the infected person realising they were having one?

I’m sorry but I wouldn’t want to continue to date him. I wouldn’t be able to relax and enjoy intimacy when I was paranoid about catching something.

wombatron · 27/12/2018 10:40

I don't believe I contracted it. It's been 4 years since we split and have never had a sign of it. Doesn't mean I don't have it I suppose but I've had a particularly bad run of ill health of late and I guess I'd have expected it to appear now if I did. See if you can find a sexual health clinic to talk about if they still exist. I found they were much better than GP's back in the day, who would now probably plug it all into google and print the nhs site

PixieCutRegret · 27/12/2018 10:42

I have genital HSV1 which is usually the facial cold sore virus. Personally if I didn't have it, with the knowledge I have now, I would rather date someone who knows they have it, have respected you enough to tell you they have it, and will probably be upfront about when he has a flare up, then someone who could potentially have it but have no idea it's there lying dormant.

Mine was probably caught from a facial cold sore, I can't pinpoint it to a previous partner because it can lie dormant for so long. My DH has never developed HSV1 on his genitals though and we have been together over 10 years.

It's really up to you how you want to proceed, but bare in mind that it really is the same as dating someone with facial coldsores (avoid sex during a flare up).

CandyCreeper · 27/12/2018 10:43

ofcourse it can be caught without a flare up otherwise no one would catch it. Its good that he was honest though.

PixieCutRegret · 27/12/2018 10:44

Have to say Leatherandsilk post is brilliant, really informative. I am so glad it is being referred to as a skin condition now.

Tryingtogetitright · 27/12/2018 10:44

Haven't read the full thread I'm afraid but I have herpes. Similar to your new man, I told my date on our third date before anything "physical" happened. We've been together nearly 8 years and married for 5 with two DC (trouble free pregnancy and births). I've never passed it on to him - we don't use condoms but we never get intimate if I feel anything suspect down there. We waited a good few months to have sex as wanted to be sure we were a long term thing before he risked catching it - I totally understood. If anything it made us closer early on because I'd had to be so honest with him. I think it's a fantastic sign of his character that he's risked rejection and been upfront with you. Good luck I hope it all works out for you.

gingerrubber · 27/12/2018 10:47

At least you know he's honest.

Butteredghost · 27/12/2018 10:49

Its basically a cold sore virus but instead of on your lips it on your labia instead

You say that like cold sores are nothing but actually cold sores are horrible. So painful and if you are like me you can have constant outbreaks. I get one a month and they last for 2 weeks. Be very careful. You could break up with this guy in a few months and have near constant outbreaks the rest of your life. Any hint of sickness, getting run down, menstruation - painful cold sore. If someone didn't want to date me because of that I would understand.

I feel really bad saying this because he sounds so nice and it's really hard to find someone.

Bumblebee777 · 27/12/2018 10:49

You could have already slept with someone with the disease and not known? You could potentially have it yourself and not know? I wouldn't let this put you off him. Plenty of people with the condition have families and normal lives. Yes it's not pleasant but imagine someone judging you solely on your sexual history. At least he told you.

Tryingtogetitright · 27/12/2018 10:52

Just seen your other question. I caught it from a now Ex who'd just been on a lads holiday to Thailand... I had a really bad flare up within a couple of weeks of us having sex after his trip and was really uncomfortable as well as upset, ashamed, thought no one would ever want me and I'd be single forever. Catching it felt like the worst thing that ever happened to me. But it's not mattered in the end.

Leatherandsilk · 27/12/2018 11:00

Buttered have they not offered you suppressants?

Original poster
dancingqueen345 · 27/12/2018 11:01

BTW- I've text him this morning (nothing about this) and the bastards read it and not text back 😂😂

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 27/12/2018 11:02

You know 70% of the population carries the heroes virus,often unknowingly, so chances are you have it too.

ADastardlyThing · 27/12/2018 12:49

Most people on this thread will have an std (HPV) if they are sexually active and probably don't even know it. the difference with you is you know he has one so can take precautions. He sounds like a good un so far op, at least he's aware unlike, as I say, some who will be on this thread (statistically speaking).

PerditaMacleod · 27/12/2018 12:59

He is clearly a decent person to have told you, I wish that the bastard that gave it to me had been so honest.

You asked how soon you would know if you contracted it, for me I seem to remember it was within a few days and it was quite a severe outbreak so there was no mistaking it.

I've had herpes for almost 15 years and I have an outbreak maybe once a year now, if that. For the first 5 years or so with my husband we always used condoms but since we wanted to TTC, we've been having unprotected sex now for about 3 years and had no problems. The only thing we've done is abstain when I have an outbreak or think I might be getting one. I've also had 1 baby with no issues and am due another one in Feb and it hasn't been an issue in this pregnancy either.

You should definitely give him a chance, I'm so glad that my husband gave me a chance as people can be so small minded about it.

70sbaubles · 27/12/2018 13:01

@Butters go and see the GP about some aciclovir, you don't need to suffer like that.
70% of the population don't have Herpes, that's HPV.

70sbaubles · 27/12/2018 13:02

And the STI nurse told me that herpes makes itself known straight after infection with a first outbreak, it is very painful and the worst outbreak the first time.

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