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Original poster

He's just told me he's got herpes!

140 replies

dancingqueen345 · 27/12/2018 07:56

I went on a second date last night and just as we were about to leave he said because we'd had another really good night there was something he needed to tell me, and told me that he had herpes.

I had no idea what to say so I just kind of mumbled through saying I'd had a nice time too and thanks for telling me.

I came home and started furiously googling and from what I can see there is actually a fairly small chance of passing it to a partner (provided you avoid flare ups and use protection), but I'm not sure if I can get over the mental aspect of it, am I going to be scared every time we have sex?! Will I still be able to touch him normally? Go down on him? (Sorry TMI).

I really like this guy (as much as one can after 2 dates, I'm not a believer in love at first sight), and I also massively respect how hard It must have been for him to tell me, so I want to be delicate with this, but equally I do have questions that maybe only he can answer because they could effect me long term.

Has anyone been through this or a similar situation and can firstly give me reassurance that my stats are accurate about stopping the spread, and secondly, anyone living with someone with herpes and can advise on any changes you've had to make in the bedroom/general life to accommodate it (if any!).

OP posts:
thefirstmrsdewinter · 27/12/2018 13:06

No judgement about herpes (anyone can have it, it's just a virus) but it CAN be transmitted when there are no symptoms. Avoiding sex during an outbreak reduces but does not eliminate risk.
www.cdc.gov/std/herpes/stdfact-herpes.htm

Leatherandsilk · 27/12/2018 13:59

70s Wrong yes they do, and wrong it isn’t always instant or there wouldn’t be carriers with no symptoms.

MorbidlyObese · 27/12/2018 14:32

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

JillScarlet · 27/12/2018 15:52

“What I do think is quite interesting is that there is so little discussion in most circles about herpes considering its relative prevalence! “

Maybe because it is such a minor thing for most people?

The thing about telling people early is that the ‘screening process’ is mutual. He can check people out for their views.

70sbaubles · 27/12/2018 16:49

Maybe because it is such a minor thing for most people
If that were so there wouldnt be sti dating sites. A man was prosecuted for knowingly infecting his girlfriend with it.
16% of people have genital herpes.

Leatherandsilk · 27/12/2018 17:25

There are STI dating sites because where there is shame there is money to be made, capitalism via ostracisation and judgement means the world is fucked up, not that it’s not a big thing.

Corabella · 27/12/2018 18:25

i would not date someone just because they were honest about having an STD. Being upfront about STI's is the decent and expected thing to do. I don't see it as an exceptionally great or heroic or brave thing to do. It is the expectation to be honest about transmissible illnesses, surely?!

op i suggest you get a full sexual health screening in case you have it.

Personally, if I don't have it I would not volunteer risking having it especially if I knew so early on, why would I get involved? Plenty more fish and all that.

And herpes IS a big deal. It's incurable, can blind babies and even the cold sore can lead to genital herpes. It is painful and unsightly.
If you don't see it on your labia, it could be inside your vagina.

Ultimately, I would find it very unsexy and would not want to be intimate.

PixieCutRegret · 27/12/2018 19:02

Corabella OP would have to have bloods done in order to pick up herpes if she was not having a flare up. I have had two outbreaks of HSV1 genitally, however my results would be the same as someone who has only had coldsores on their face.

Corabella · 27/12/2018 19:07

yes so have a blood test. I meant bloods as well as swabs. a comprehensive full sexual screening. hiv is tested by blood...whats the issue?

PixieCutRegret · 27/12/2018 19:14

I don't think they do the herpes one in an STI blood test because the majority of people have HSV1 and it would cause unnecessary worry. You can be a carrier of HSV1 and HSV2 and not have an outbreak for many years.

PixieCutRegret · 27/12/2018 19:17

Forgot to say a blood test wont tell you where the site of the outbreak would be. So weather or not OP gets with this partner or not her bloods could show she has HSV1 (which typically presents on the face) then in the next week get an outbreak on in her genitals, the blood tests don't tell you much.

WWWWicked · 27/12/2018 19:24

“Brave, brilliant, sweet, amazing, decent, lovely guy, excellent, good human”....

It is a very basic expectation that someone with an STI should disclose this to a potential sexual partner. I don’t think it makes him any of the above. Some people need to raise their baseline expectations.

I would want to date him for a long long while, to make sure the risk to my health was worth it, before I had sex with him.

PixieCutRegret · 27/12/2018 19:28

How many people on here with facial coldsores have made an announcement to their potential partners before having oral sex with them?

Yes he absolutely should tell the OP, but given the stigma attached to having coldsores on genitals he is brave to announce it early on.

ChocolateTea · 27/12/2018 20:10

I have HSV1. But I have it on my genitals as well as my face. As a teen I had the odd cold sore, nothing since. But after a few months with DP a few years ago, I got horrific aorestin my genitals. My GP was shocked how bad they were and amazed it was HSV1 and not 2. The swabs confirmed it.

After long discussions it seems that DP although cannot remember ever having a cold sore, his ex wife used to have them. And he had minor mouth ulcers. I never had regular oral sex until I met him - and neither had he. But after nine months together, he infected me unknowingly.

It was a huge shock, and he carries a lot of guilt whenever I have an outbreak - the aciclover makes me ill, so when it's a minor outbreak I choose to suffer the odd sore with minor cream instead, although I have an urgent prescription of aciclover on my records with my GP and out of hours so I can call and get it faxed to the chemist immediately.

Has my life changed in the last five years? No. I get sick every six to eight months, but nothing more. I'm good at watching the signs now. Would I have avoided DP if he knew and told me from the start? No. Has he caught it back on his genitals in the last five years? No. And we don't use condoms now.

What I'm saying is, this guy, like me, has to be honest from the start. (dreading if DP and I ever split up) However, the next guy you date could be completely oblivious that's he's a carrier. He could, like DP infect you having no clue.

It's not great, but it's not the end of the world. Take precautions, but take time before you jump into bed.

ChocolateTea · 27/12/2018 20:11

aorestin = sores in. Android swift keyboard is being odd.

Greenkit · 27/12/2018 20:20

I agree with the above positive responses

It's not like AIDS

Can I just put the record straight on this one to, HIV is a virus and people who have the HIV virus can take tablets, which supress the virus so much that it becomes undetectable which means they can have unprotected sex, have children etc.

There have only been 3 cases worldwide where a baby has contracted HIV via their parents.

IdblowJonSnow · 27/12/2018 20:23

I have herpes, caught it in Australia. Mine is the kind when it looks like cuts or tears rather than spots. I've had it for a long time. Didn't realise what it was for years. I inadvertently gave it to my now husband, he has only had one outbreak luckily. I get them more often because I'm always tired and rundown. Op, I think it speaks very well of this man that he's been so upfront so early on.

70sbaubles · 27/12/2018 20:44

How many people on here with facial coldsores have made an announcement to their potential partners before having oral sex with them
They should every time imo

Leatherandsilk · 27/12/2018 20:52

Carabella guess me and my diseased raped self should fuck off to lonely leper corner then? You know that’s what you are saying? Unsightly? Fuck you seriously.

It IS NOT CONSIDERED AN STI ANYMORE.

It’s called a skin condition, and you know you probably already have it right? Unless you are one of the 30%

70sbaubles · 27/12/2018 20:57

Leather HSV 2 is an STI. HSV1 is a virus affecting the skin but it can be very dangerous to the immunosuppressed.
Im sorry you feel infected, but as you see on here lots of people dont have a problem dating someome with it.
You never know if someone has an std anyway, at least this way there's the heads up.

Leatherandsilk · 27/12/2018 21:02

70s I was diagnosed within the last month, the clinic said it is now a skin condition. HSV2. Either my nurse is wrong or they have update the definitions.

But it’s fine, as telling people isn’t brave according to PPs, it isn’t worth remarking on, despite the deep emotional toll it takes.

Not having a go at you but Jesus some of the people on this thread live in a false gilded cage. And they don’t consider others feelings.

Wonkydonkey44 · 27/12/2018 21:15

I had my first herpes outbreak 10 years ago . I have no idea where I caught it as I have never slept with anyone who had an outbreak.
My initial flare up was bad , horrendous infact but I rarely get one now .
I think the fact he’s been up front with you is good news. Do your homework and make an educated decision not based on some of the doom and gloom posts on here.

PrettyLovely1 · 27/12/2018 21:20

Wow I would appreciate his honesty. I dont think many peopld would be able to be so upfront. I would go on another date, you can only catch it if he has a flare up which he will know about.

SalmonLeBon · 27/12/2018 21:26

Every time one of these threads comes up.... I have herpes. I did not discover it until I had been married for 2 years. I never had an initial attack, but I still get outbreaks every few weeks and take acyclovir as needed. DH has had one very mild attack in 17 years, when in a very stressful career move. We don't know who had it first, could have been either given that neither had the major outbreak problems and neither until we were in an established relationship.

I get very angry and upset about the way it is stigmatised, the way it is portrayed as dirty, disgusting and somehow the person's fault for having it.

I now take l-lysine to keep it at bay and all is good. But there was a time when I considered ending my life over attitudes like 70s. Right now, I just think fuck you, you don't know shit.

Closetbeanmuncher · 27/12/2018 21:30

He's shown integrity by bring honest but I agree with GrandmaJane.

You're running the risk of potentially contracting an incurable STD....

The relationship is not guaranteed to last but herpes is!!
.

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