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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Pub

137 replies

Curtains77 · 25/12/2018 21:15

Had a lovely stress- free , chilled out quality family time Christmas day with DH and 2 children. Kids have gone to bed . Landlord of pub down the road (friend of DH) has text DH and now he has disappeared down the road to join them for a lock on for an hour instead of staying here watching Christmas telly with me . He has form - this is his 5th night in a row down there ( last night I finished the wrapping on my bloody own ) . AIBU to be a bit put out ? Xx and btw Merry Christmas to you lovely Mumsnet peeps xxx

OP posts:
RyderWhiteSwan · 27/12/2018 14:27

Glad you're no longer going to allow yourself to be herded up to bed! does he call out "Time! let's have your glasses please....." Xmas Hmm

RyderWhiteSwan · 27/12/2018 14:28

Oops wrong thread! Xmas Blush

Original poster
Curtains77 · 27/12/2018 15:09

Ok thank you so much one and all - I appreciate and understand every single comment. Thank you for the article link - it's all rather terrifying. I don't see myself as a martyr but I suppose I must be . The kids would be devastated if we separated - they were before . He is a good father- not in denial that is a fact . Since the reconciliation he has been a lot better with behaviour- the drinking is the demon here too . But of course you are all right .. It is as complex or simple as I make it I suppose . Thank you all again - don't despair of me We are not being help x

OP posts:
Original poster
Curtains77 · 27/12/2018 15:16

Where you left it - thank you for practical advice. I have messaged pub landlord just now in order to let him know it's not acceptable and will sort the other stuff out over next few days. This really is the last ditch attempt . I am not prepared to do this another year. I know this has been on going for years and when I look at my other threads I see what you all see. I 0romise you have not all wasted your breath. Thank you Flowers

OP posts:
GimmeBread · 27/12/2018 15:27

Oh Curtains, he's not a good father while he's putting alcohol before his children. Fact.

GimmeBread · 27/12/2018 15:34

And speaking to the pub landlord and asking him not to let your DH run a tab or asking him to stop serving him drinks is not the answer. Your DH has to want to stop this behaviour himself - he'll just find a way to get drink another way. Find another pub, steal booze from the supermarket, guilt you into buying it for him. My dad was an alky as was my gran and I reluctantly admit to having a drink problem myself. He won't change until he's forced to and that will only be when his life changes so much that he wakes up to himself. You need to kick him out or leave. You could try cutting off his funding source but I think this will only work temporarily.

I feel for you I really do but you're burying your head in the sand and enabling him. He will not change while you allow this to happen. Thanks

MsDogLady · 27/12/2018 15:45

Curtains, when I suggested counseling, I meant for YOU, not your husband. You are in desperate need of a support system. You and the children are drowning in the ocean of his alcoholism.

Now is the time to take charge and learn how to stop enabling this man. Go to AlAnon, which is tailor-made for the spouse of an alcoholic. Also, get on a list for counseling, preferably with someone who has experience working with families of addicts. If you stop paying for his habit, you might be able to afford the counseling.

Be proactive, Curtains. Protect your children! With the support of AlAnon and counseling, you can learn to break your enabling behavior patterns. You cannot force him to change, but you can change how you react to him. The lives of you and your darling children depend on it!

Gasius · 27/12/2018 15:45

Curtains, ending a marriage is one of the most difficult decisions ever. You sound like an amazing lady and you are trying to keep everything together for the sake of your family and your Christian values.

However as others have said he has to want to change you can't make him. This could happen but how long are you prepared to wait? And how much of your life are you prepared to sacrifice?

You need a time frame, draw a line and then make a decision.

Make sure you look after yourself x

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 27/12/2018 16:57

Sorry I don’t know how to link on my phone
“So here we are now” is a thread by pointythings

Definitely give it and her previous thread a read. That is your future and the future for your dh...and your innocent children. Not good- in fact quite the nightmare all around.

Car problems would put you under financially? That’s nothing, nothing to the medical bills that will start rolling in as he drinks himself to death. That is not a metaphor- that is a real, real life consequence that is inevitable if he does not act to avoid it.

In sickness and health- I get that. But this sickness is entirely voluntary. Dealbreaker.
(I understand that addiction makes the behavior involuntary but he started down that road on his own.)

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 27/12/2018 21:44

I think OP is in the UK, AndTheBandPlayedOn, so medical bills aren't relevant.

Nanny0gg · 27/12/2018 22:58

He is a good father- not in denial that is a fact

And he spends how much a month of your earnings on drink? But then at least he's stopped doing coke.

Yep. Really good father. Your children couldn't ask for better.

Oh, wait...

Monty27 · 28/12/2018 03:41

If this is real, it's a park bench for you sooner rather than later.
Poor kids

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