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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Pub

137 replies

Curtains77 · 25/12/2018 21:15

Had a lovely stress- free , chilled out quality family time Christmas day with DH and 2 children. Kids have gone to bed . Landlord of pub down the road (friend of DH) has text DH and now he has disappeared down the road to join them for a lock on for an hour instead of staying here watching Christmas telly with me . He has form - this is his 5th night in a row down there ( last night I finished the wrapping on my bloody own ) . AIBU to be a bit put out ? Xx and btw Merry Christmas to you lovely Mumsnet peeps xxx

OP posts:
GloomyMonday · 26/12/2018 08:12

I'd be telling the landlord that I won't be covering the tab from now on, and paying my salary into an account in my name only. And then taking steps to separate.

rabbitfoodadvocate · 26/12/2018 08:13

@GloomyMonday 👌🏼

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 26/12/2018 08:20

Definitely what @GloomyMonday said.

Sorry OP. He's an alcoholic and a pisstaker. How old are your kids?

costacoffeecup · 26/12/2018 08:26

The first thing that should have stopped when he lost his job is the pub tab. No wonder he's friends with the landlord if he's spending that much.

Tell him you can't afford to stump up £300 for his drinking anymore so he either gets a job and pays for it himself or he stops until he does. This seems a bit crazy!

Dallasty · 26/12/2018 08:30

If you're happily paying this spongers tab each month, then you're not that unhappy with the pub excursions and drinking. Knowing that he has an alcohol dependancy (alcoholic), you are on here whinging about it, when you are deliberately clearly enabling him by paying his bill. He is taking the piss out of you big time, he knows it and you know it. What are you going to do?

maras2 · 26/12/2018 08:39

I remember his grandiose ideas for his redundancy money, pop up gin bars and other hipster nonsense.
Is there any money left?
Sounds as if he's probably drunk it all and I wonder if he really is an ex coke head Hmm
Flowers for you and good luck with whatever you decide to do.

OliviaBenson · 26/12/2018 08:40

He is an alcoholic op. You'll always come second. He won't change. You need to leave him and not subject your children to this man. I'm your child and my childhood was horrific. Christmas is the worst time for me too due to memories of dad just getting drunk all day.

Tiredemma · 26/12/2018 08:41

He's taking the piss but to be fair you at letting him.

ginyogarepeat · 26/12/2018 09:07

OP I've read your previous posts where you've outlined that he's been abusive in the past.
You and your children deserve better than this alcoholic violent man. Please don't put up with this any longer - go get yourself a life worth living rather than having this groundhog situation for eternity.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 26/12/2018 10:26

OP I've just read your previous threads and if they are all true then you should have left this man years ago!

Original poster
Curtains77 · 26/12/2018 10:30

Maras2- yes the money is all gone . Not entirely pissed away but out of the 15months since redundancy he has worked for 3 months of it so its easily gone. Again , i should have been more insistent that we lock it away safely but did not do that so we have just taken out a payday loan to cover Christmas . Its all a bit crazy and the like a lot of people I will be seriously thinking about things in January- perhaps now not exactly the time as someone pointed out. We have been working on it and he isn't abusive anymore- as in I am sure he has it in him but it is under control he has learnt self control measures to help with that . The drinking is the last hurdle I think - we are up to our eyeballs and we have had a discussion today and he can see we are so so stretched we are at the point where this is it . He is making all the usual promises and wondering why I am not jumping for joy . Actions speak louder than words. I am sorry for your childhood Olivia Flowers I promise I have taken that on-board x no more groundhog days in 2019 . Thanks ginyoga xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Curtains77 · 26/12/2018 10:34

Yes it's all true - I forgot people can read all previous posts! I could not make it up to be honest Blush

OP posts:
LoubyLou1234 · 26/12/2018 10:38

I havent read your previous posts but tbhin my eyes he is probably being abusive in a different way: for one financially? He isn't working, all his redundancy money has gone and you a funding the whole family and his drinking. A pay day loan?? In your name??

Please read this thread back and imagine if it was someone else what would you advise?

Original poster
Curtains77 · 26/12/2018 10:40

Elspeth - absolutely spot on that would have been the way it went. And prawn yes I was hugely lonely last night . Horrible feeling but familiar .

OP posts:
Original poster
Curtains77 · 26/12/2018 10:41

Louby - no in his . Not that it massively matters really tbh. Not sure . Can't believe I am having this conversation again with you all and myself and him . I annoy myself !

OP posts:
DrMorbius · 26/12/2018 10:43

I am sorry for your childhood Olivia
Are you really sorry Op? Because you are exposing your DC's to the same childhood. Do you realise what you are teaching your children about relationships and acceptable behaviour.

TooTrueToBeGood · 26/12/2018 10:47

You need a payday loan to cover xmas and he's pissing away 250+ a month on booze? You need to sort this out and stop looking for every excuse you can to avoid dealing with it. He will completely break you emotionally and financially if you continue to like this. Stop "thinking about things" and do something, before it's too late.

SandyY2K · 26/12/2018 10:47

I think I'd also be telling the landlord.. his so called mate...to stop calling him for lock in drinks as he's unemployed and you can't afford it.

A true friend wouldn't do what he's doing. It's actually very wicked to lure in your DH.... who is addicted to the drink.

Dirtybadger · 26/12/2018 10:48

I hope you're Christmas 2019 thread is the nice Christmas you're having without him....

As a minimum he definitely has a drink problem if he is drinking every day and that is a financial priority (given the % spent).

billysboy · 26/12/2018 10:50

You really need to talk about this , its like he is terrified of missing out on the " exciting night in the pub " ( boring same old conversation with the same people)

Dry January or even a couple of drinks from the supermarket is loads cheaper than in the pub at a fiver a pint

GrandmaSteglitszch · 26/12/2018 15:15

Do whatever is necessary so that your income is in your name and your H can't get at it.
Then tell him you've done that so you won't be financing his drinking.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 26/12/2018 15:23

Alcoholics can stop drinking and stay sober. I should know. But the alcoholic has to want to stop, to be prepared to go to any length to achieve sobriety. I did it because I wanted to.

If your husband isn't prepared to go to these lengths then you have to accept - fully accept - that the drink will always come before you and your DC. If this is the case you need to acknowledge that your marriage is over. From now on your priority must be your own well-being and that of your DC.

When someone loves booze more than they love you or your DC it's like a slap in the face. Use that slap as a wake up call. He either starts behaving like a devoted husband and father or he gets out.

A payday loan for Christmas while he spends £250-300 a month on the piss? Think about it for a few minutes. He's not the only nutter in your family. Your own sense of proportion has sailed right out the window.

You deserve so much better. While drink is his priority he won't be fully "there" with you at home even when he's sober. It's a terribly lonely place to be. I'm sorry your going through this - but Christmas and New Year are always the worst times for anyone involved with a problem drinker.

Be brave. Be resolute. Next Christmas could be so much better. Flowers

MissConductUS · 26/12/2018 19:24

Great advice, as usual, Prawn.

Happy New Year to you.

Original poster
Curtains77 · 26/12/2018 20:49

Thanks prawn x happy New year to you all we have not been able to talk as it's a full on family day of course but I am going to talk with him . It is madness that's true . But divorce is just not an option for us . But something has to be sorted and I will have to be the adult here . I am on it and will keep ubposted. Thanks so much for all your amazing advice xxxFlowers

OP posts:
youaremyrain · 26/12/2018 20:59

I'm sorry you are experiencing this. But it doesn't have to be your future

Pub