Pub

[Curtains77]

Had a lovely stress- free , chilled out quality family time Christmas day with DH and 2 children. Kids have gone to bed . Landlord of pub down the road (friend of DH) has text DH and now he has disappeared down the road to join them for a lock on for an hour instead of staying here watching Christmas telly with me . He has form - this is his 5th night in a row down there ( last night I finished the wrapping on my bloody own ) . AIBU to be a bit put out ? Xx and btw Merry Christmas to you lovely Mumsnet peeps xxx

Why do you put up with this?

OP, if you can possibly do so, get to an al-anon meeting.

www.al-anonuk.org.uk

Curtains, your husband is an alcoholic and, as stated above, you should contact AlAnon. In another thread you mentioned that you might consider counseling, and I wonder if you ever went. You need massive support, and a skilled counselor trained in addiction/abuse issues could help you (1) rebuild your self-esteem and (2) learn to change communication patterns that are enabling this dysfunctional situation.

Your children are being reared in chaos as ‘children of an alcoholic,’ which will likely have far-reaching ramifications in their lives. Further, your husband’s physical, emotional and financial abuse of you will greatly affect their well-being, as well as their view of relationships and family life.

I hope that you will seek a network of support for yourself and your dear children.

Morning- thank you yes I know we need counselling however it does cost money that we dont have to be honest. A referral can take ages and when we separated a couple of years ago the counsellor he was referred to did not think he needed counselling and so DH is completely convinced he does not need it ! He is an intelligent man who is more than capable of saying what needs to be said in the right way - not in a premeditated way - he completely believes it when he is saying sorry etc but he can be both. He can be the best husband and the worst. And we cling on to the best version always. Like I said , divorce is not really an option but perhaps al anon would be a good way forward xx thank you for your advice msdoglady xxxx

OP you’ve had some great advice here but it feels like you have your head in the sand. Nothing will change because you are minimising it all and enabling his (quite frankly) shocking behaviour.
“He’s intelligent” “he can be the best husband” “he doesn’t need counselling”

Good luck. I think you’re going to need it. I also think you’ll be back next year in exactly the same situation .

OP can I ask why divorce is not an option for you?

Please have a look at Al-anon. You will find people who have been in your position and who understand all you are going through.

I promise you I do not have my head I the sand. I am trying to show the light and shade of it - it simply is not that black and white although there is always a time for honesty and frankness of course . I understand that. I am not making excuses. I don't always love him but we are married and that has to mean something. My optimism peaks and troughs tbh. Divorce, although not impossible, is not really a done thing as we are Christians. Don't hold that against me

Also I never said he does not need counselling- I meant he is clever and sincere when he wants to be so he completely pulled the wool over that particular counsellors eyes. If he could shake off the drink he has amazibgpotential but that is what alcohol does isn't it ? Robs people of their confidence, self esteem , common sense and responsibility.

Why is divorce not an option.

To look at it a different way you didn't take out a payday loan to afford Christmas you took out a payday loan for him to drink. Because if he didn't drink you, would have that £3, 000+ a year spare to spend on your family.

That is so pathetic. How can you love or respect a man who wastes so much money that you are slogging your guts out to earn?

What are you going to do if you need a major expense like a car or something wrong with the house?

I think you need to lay it on the line to him and his buddy that you will not be giving the money to clear any more tabs.

Yes I know . It is hugely difficult to love him - I am usually doing it through gritted teeth. And the honest I have lost huge amounts of respect for him over the years. Through the sense of being promised or commited to things and the letting everyone down . So yes I see the reality and people's advice on here is a lifeline for me . But this is real life so it is always more complex than that . Xx

If the car goes wrong we are screwed. Although I have managed to squirrel a very small amount of money away to cover emergencies that he does not know about .

A happy New Year to you too, MissConductUS. And thank you.

Curtains77, you say So yes I see the reality and people's advice on here is a lifeline for me . But this is real life so it is always more complex than that.

Do you not understand that by bringing your DC up in the chaos and dishonesty of an alcoholic household you are setting them up for a lifetime of counseling and crap relationships?

What you're tolerating is actively harming your DC. Read up on the effects on adult children of alcoholics. There's a short article here.

Your DC are absorbing lessons you never wanted them to face. Ignoring the truth - as you are doing - is, to be blunt, negligent. Your DH may be pissed, but you are doing this sober.

OP, you are colluding with him in his drinking issues. You are in survival mode. That's what being involved with an alcoholic does to you. I was in survival mode for years until I reached MY rock bottom. I'm pulling myself out of the other side (divorcing, and looking forward to living again). You sound like you are near to your rock bottom. Make this about YOU, not him. It's his responsibility to deal with his issues, you concentrate on yourself and everyone else will benefit as a result.

I could not have got through 2018 without Al-anon. Please make sure you go x

There's no way he's a Christian if he's treating you like shit, and I say that as a total non-believer. I would be seriously doubting his 'Christian' values as they appear to mean fuck all.

Ah, you have to stay with an abusive alcoholic because of religion. How very Christian he sounds in his behaviour towards you.

You only get one, short life - this is how you want to spend it?

I love the way he gets to be a Christian in name only but you have to sacrifice your life and your kids for Christianity.

@ElspethFlashman very well put - spot on.

@ElspethFlashman, that's absolutely it.

And the honest I have lost huge amounts of respect for him over the years. Through the sense of being promised or commited to things and the letting everyone down .
Have you told him this, straight out?
Does he see how he is completely failing his responsibilities as a (Christian) husband and father?

Tiddleypops gives you great advice.

My DM is a very devout Christian. She says her views on divorce have changed quite radically over the years. She now believes that if one party significantly, repeatedly and deliberately breaks their vows then the injured party has the right to consider that their marriage has been broken by the other. So if you divorced him it would not be you who actually ended your marriage or broke your vows but him, through his actions.

Be that as it may, if divorce is off the cards there's no reason at all why you need to continue living with him. The Christian faith accepts separation and I can see no excuse for letting your DC grow up in this environment.

I feel frustrated that you're wilfully blinding yourself to your own role in this. You need to acknowledge that he may be doing the drinking but because you're enabling it all you also are responsible for the harm being done to your poor DC. This isn't a victimless crime. You may like to play the martyr but you have absolutely no right to martyr your DC.

the counsellor he was referred to did not think he needed counselling - I read that and thought the counsellor was at fault but then you said he is clever and sincere when he wants to be so he completely pulled the wool over that particular counsellors eyes.

So he has no intention of tackling his addiction and fully intends to keep kicking you, and his kids, in the teeth.

There’s something, or someone, at the pub, that makes being there preferable to being with you. And given that he could drink at home, I know which it almost certainly is.

I’m not one to usually jump to ‘affair’ but in your case it’s obvious. Only a man with a damn compelling reason to spend five nights over xmas away from his wife and kids acts like this.

You’re so focused on the alcohol you’re missing what’s right under your nose. Not that it really matters though to be fair. You’ve accepted everything so far, he could rock up home at 4am with another woman and take her to your marital bed and you’d tell him you hope he has a lovely night and then put fresh towels and croissants out for them both in the morning, then come on here and ask if anyone else would mind their alcoholic layabout irresponsible bum of a husband bringing his girlfriend home and shagging her in your bed.

I’ve read your threads. You’re beyond hope. This will be the rest of your life, but at least you’re actively choosing it. It works for you.

Oh your Christians and that gives him carte blanche to behave however he likes ?

Well done for sacrificing your childrens happiness

I haven't read your previous thread Curtains, but I can hazard a guess from other posters' comments.

You say you can't divorce because you are Christian. What support is the church giving to you and him? Have you gone to your minister/vicar/priest and asked for guidance? I agree with ElspethFlashman - your husband is Christian in name only, and you are sacrificing yourself and your children without questioning it. Do you really think God and Jesus work that way?

Now, as to some practicalities:

As to his drinking - he won't stop, but you need to stop financing it. Your salary needs to go into a sole account, he needs to have no access to money or credit that can land on your shoulders. Cards need to be cut up!

As to this tab at his 'friend's pub - I would go down there myself and tell him straight that you will no longer be financing it. And indeed, as he knows your husband is unemployed yet invites him to lock-ins and plies your husband with booze on credit, you're wondering how this would affect his licence when it comes up for renewal. NOW IS NOT THE TIME TO BE NON-CONFRONTATIONAL.

And you really really need to consider the effect of this on your children. As others have stated, raising them this way could have far-reaching consequences. If you won't protect yourself, at least protect them.

Well, I went and looked at Curtains77 old threads. I suspect we're all wasting our time, that she is determined not to actually do anything to help herself or her DC. There's nothing Christian about failing to protect your DC.

In a July thread, Curtains77 wrote "I an pretty sure he is fine with the kids. the alcohol is a problem". I find that really striking - that she describes her DH looking after their DC all week as "fine" while in the very next sentence she acknowledges his drink problem. She doesn't even notice the contradiction. Oh, and he promised to stop drinking in July, yet another broken promise.

Leaving a drinking alcoholic parent in sole charge is dangerous and irresponsible.