Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Pub

137 replies

Curtains77 · 25/12/2018 21:15

Had a lovely stress- free , chilled out quality family time Christmas day with DH and 2 children. Kids have gone to bed . Landlord of pub down the road (friend of DH) has text DH and now he has disappeared down the road to join them for a lock on for an hour instead of staying here watching Christmas telly with me . He has form - this is his 5th night in a row down there ( last night I finished the wrapping on my bloody own ) . AIBU to be a bit put out ? Xx and btw Merry Christmas to you lovely Mumsnet peeps xxx

OP posts:
Original poster
Curtains77 · 25/12/2018 23:51

Yes going to be bed is the ultimate passive response.HmmHe has Just text and I quote - I love you xx can i stay for one more beer ? . .nuff said that he is even asking . I know i am a bit pathetic but am actually apathetic a lot of the time.

OP posts:
NC4Now · 25/12/2018 23:53

He’s not a mind reader! He’s testing the boundaries. You need to tell him where they are.

TooTrueToBeGood · 25/12/2018 23:54

Honest quedtion to encourage a bit of reflection.

Why did you start this thread? What did you really hope to achieve?

YankOnTheShelf · 25/12/2018 23:56

One symptom of alcohol abuse is not having the ability to stop at a couple of drinks.

mabelstanley · 25/12/2018 23:56

Have to say I'd prefer to be at the pub rather than sat in watching telly. Maybe he's bored?

mabelstanley · 25/12/2018 23:59

Oh sorry i should've rtft Smile

It's bad that he's not even funding it himself. I'd be embarrassed to do that to my partner.

Original poster
Curtains77 · 26/12/2018 00:00

I started this thread, and started others in the past , because i sometimes just need to know i am not being unreasonable and Mumsnet is generally very sound advice. I am too embarrassed to talk to close friends and family as am worried they will think less of us and /or him. Does that make sense ?

OP posts:
Whereartthouname · 26/12/2018 00:03

Sorry id text back dont bother coming home tonite

Original poster
Curtains77 · 26/12/2018 00:05

I have not text back as I just can't be bothered as I know how this will go ... not going to wait up obviously now as Christmas is finished :(

OP posts:
JK1773 · 26/12/2018 00:08

OP my earlier post was that this wouldn’t be a problem at Xmas.... However your subsequent posts are clear, this is not an Xmas thing. This is a huge problem. You need to try to gain some strength to address this with him

Beagle840 · 26/12/2018 00:22

He is out of order Curtains. At first I thought YABU as it's only an hour one night but I changed my mind on reading that it's most nights and the money he spends! As pps have said, it would be best to be honest with him about how you are feeling and when he asks if it's ok tell him it's not.

A very different situation, but I once lost a really good relationship in part due to my passive aggressive behaviour. My ex was an amazing partner. He did spend quite a bit of time with mates at the pub, watching football, playing football etc. and mostly I had no problem with that but sometimes he would change plans but first ask me if it was ok (for example, if we had planned to spend a day together but he then realised it was a big match or a birthday) and I never felt that was fair but didn't want to be the nagging partner or make him spend time with me if he would rather be doing other things so I would just say 'fine' then act huffy. Very destructive to a relationship.

On reflection, I really wish I had just said that I had been looking forward to a day together and would be disappointed if he decided to go out with mates instead. This wasn't the headline reason for the split but he did comment that he had often felt a bit unwanted and like I wasn't bothered about spending time with him and that I was often annoyed with him.

I can now see how it looked like that to him and learned a hard lesson that communication is absolutely vital to a healthy relationship.

Maybe a proper discussion in the morning would be good?

Original poster
Curtains77 · 26/12/2018 00:25

Yes I know. I was always hopeful but that is lessening now. No one likes a drip feeder post I just wish I could make him see how not normal it is . Will sleep on it and reflect x thank you all for amazing advice x

OP posts:
Original poster
Curtains77 · 26/12/2018 00:31

Be able I am sorry that happened but am very grateful for the insight - your thoughts are mine exactly - perhaps i am being passive aggressive ! Ok want him to want to spend time with me - I want him to not go to the pub . But I don't want to police it or be clear to avoid being th nag. Buy you are right - if he is not clear where the boundaries are then it's not a level playing field- he is not psychic. But I feel very resentful so that makes sense to reflect then talk in the morning, i suppose . I have tried to be very clear on this before though , and no progress. Well, very little progress; he used to take cocaine too and at least that has stopped ( normal on middle class pub circles round here )

OP posts:
Original poster
Curtains77 · 26/12/2018 00:31

Thank you beagle xx Flowers

OP posts:
GrandmaSteglitszch · 26/12/2018 00:35

perhaps I should not be moaning on here and actually be honest with him

Good idea. He'll certainly never change if he has no idea how you feel.

SandyY2K · 26/12/2018 00:36

While he's a grown adult...his mate who is the landlord knowing he's now unemployed is encouraging him to spend money he can't afford.

Nobody should get in debt to alcohol. That's not a good friend.

You need to discuss the spending of that much in the pub.

His last message is like my kids to me.... I tell them to wash the dishes piled in the sink and I get "I love you mummy.... can I do them after Hollyoaks"

Original poster
Curtains77 · 26/12/2018 00:40

Grandma - he DOES know how I feel about the drinking - have tried various different tactics over years. None have worked. The online I have known him to not have anything alcoholic to drink was 1) he did a sober October once but recently told me he had a drink half way through and did not tell me at the time. And 2) when we temporarily separated he did not drink for 3 weeks. It is completely or am for him to go less than 3 days per month with put alcohol . He will have 1 or 2 drinks most days. Its literally woven into his life. He is still not home - I know it's because I did not reply to the last text so heassumes I am asleep so just thinks oh well and will probably be home at 3 am . Same old same old ...Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
Curtains77 · 26/12/2018 00:42

Sorry for typos- feeling a bit agitated That should have read the only time not online and it's completely normal not or am !!! Thank you Sandy- blinking hollyoaks !! Grin

OP posts:
Monty27 · 26/12/2018 05:27

I would have sent his bags to the pub.
Not a chance would he be over my doorstep again.

Gina2012 · 26/12/2018 05:53

Nope - being the most unconfrontational person on the planet I just said - yes - you ? And then come on here and moan ...

He will continue to do what he does, then, and you will continue to moan.

Enabling the Man Child and then moaning about his behaviour is a bit daft , truth be told

Wallywobbles · 26/12/2018 06:04

I would text back you know what I do mind. You piss away 15% of my salary on drink we cant afford so we can both hide from reality. I think it would be better and cheaper if we amicably separated/ divorced and you were responsible for yourself.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 26/12/2018 06:29

£250-300 a month on booze? Do you spend a similar amount on a solitary pleasure of your own? I'd guess you wouldn't. Your husband has a significant drink problem and, out of a very understandable fear, you're doing nothing about it. The word you're looking for is denial.

I'm a very long term sober alcoholic and the child of another. You appear to be playing the classic role of enabler. You're allowing him to keep on his destructive path. You're not being honest about how you feel or how his behaviour is affecting the family. It's about skimming over the truth - anything for a quiet life.

Because if you confront what's going on you're going to have to face the truth that his primary relationship is with drink rather than with you.

I so much sympathize. Sitting alone, knowing that the pub is more of a draw than you are, is lonely and degrading.

Perhaps Boxing Day with children isn't a great time to tackle what are going to be very painful issues but at some time in the near future you're going to have a serious conversation about his drinking.

ElspethFlashman · 26/12/2018 07:29

I also appreciate that whatever text you sent him last night would have made zero difference. He was never gonna come home. So any response would have been redundant. If you had said "yes actually I do mind, this is utterly shit for me", he'd have started a text row so he could stay out drinking. His arse was welded to that seat and no missus was gonna change that. So the only difference is that you'd have gone to sleep in a text war with a drunk.

Shoxfordian · 26/12/2018 07:41

Tell him you're not paying for it anymore for one thing, he's taking the piss

rabbitfoodadvocate · 26/12/2018 07:57

Cut the money off. I'm not joking.

It's one thing to be out of work, it's another to be a fucking bum, making your wife cover your dad drinking habit.

If you have a joint credit card, take his away. Get him off any joint accounts and let's see how much his mate invites him to the pub when he can't pay his tab.