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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Pub

137 replies

Curtains77 · 25/12/2018 21:15

Had a lovely stress- free , chilled out quality family time Christmas day with DH and 2 children. Kids have gone to bed . Landlord of pub down the road (friend of DH) has text DH and now he has disappeared down the road to join them for a lock on for an hour instead of staying here watching Christmas telly with me . He has form - this is his 5th night in a row down there ( last night I finished the wrapping on my bloody own ) . AIBU to be a bit put out ? Xx and btw Merry Christmas to you lovely Mumsnet peeps xxx

OP posts:
Original poster
Curtains77 · 25/12/2018 22:27

I have just messaged him to ask when he is coming home - awaiting reply...Hmm

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Original poster
Curtains77 · 25/12/2018 22:34

I quote ' half an hour or so..' so that's that- I will probably be in bed by then ! Ah well - thanks all xx and merry Christmas to you all xx

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LoubyLou1234 · 25/12/2018 22:41

If he isn't working, how does he fund the pub trips? I've no children and relaxed about our time apart etc but it's Christmas Day!!

Original poster
Curtains77 · 25/12/2018 22:45

Hmm ...I have gone up to fulltime work to support us all (we are dh, me and 3 kids ) x the lamdlord is his mate and he lets him have a tab . DH pays it intermittently but it's usually around 250- 300 a month. He does not have any hobbies so this is it . Man that sounds terrible !

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Dirtybadger · 25/12/2018 22:55

He spends £200+ a month on alcohol on a single income? WTF!

YANBU to want to spend an evening with him over Christmas.

But as someone else said you're being incredibly passive. He has actively asked you if it's okay and you told him yes! He isn't a mind reader. And his intuition might tell him it isn't okay. So he asked. But then you told him it was okay!!

You need to tell him it isn't okay. And then go from there.

I couldn't be with someone spending £200a month on alcohol Confused. Priorities! I used to spend a lot on drink and drugs when I was young free and single (and enjoyed being messed up most weekends and sometimes mid week) and I still don't think I ever spent £300 in a month on booze etc.

Original poster
Curtains77 · 25/12/2018 23:02

I know - i hear you but this is a long standing dependancy. I have tried being clear that it's not acceptable in the past but that did not work either. So I have come full circle and now feel detached after initially being sad then cross tonight . His intuition counts for nothing if he does not listen to it .it genuinely feels like a losing battle .

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Waddsup12 · 25/12/2018 23:04

That's £3000/3600 a year out of net pay, what % of your pay is that?

Eeek.

Ianhislopsconscience · 25/12/2018 23:08

Sorry OP. But you’re behaving like a doormat.
The reason he’s gone to the pub is because it was “OK” previously.
Man up.
Also, I like a drink like the next person but I cannot think that I spend more than £20 per week MAXIMUM...

Dirtybadger · 25/12/2018 23:14

Okay, So if you have been clear before that it isn't okay. Then he probably only asks now because he knows you'll look the other way and pretend it's okay. And he can pretend he believes you and doesn't think otherwise. Hmm

Nothing can change if you aren't willing to speak with him honestly about it. And if he isn't willing to listen....again nothing can change. How do you feel about nothing changing? If it isn't viable long term to continue like this then you can only change your behaviour (speak to him, tell him it's not on, etc). He doesn't accept it? You don't have to either. Start preparing..

Original poster
Curtains77 · 25/12/2018 23:16

Oh no- never thought about that actually waddsup ..probably 15 % or so . Yes perhaps I need to man up . Have tried many different ways to stop this but this really takes the biscuit. Call me naive but it's Christmas for goodness sake ! One night I thought he would resist. He has Just phoned and asked if I would stay up and he will be home in a bit . He went out at 820 for a half an hour. Its nearly 3. Hmm

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Original poster
Curtains77 · 25/12/2018 23:20

Ok dirtybadger - that makes sense - I suppose it really is that black and white. Good point well made.

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LoubyLou1234 · 25/12/2018 23:21

I doubt the both of us spend that on alcohol... and we like a drink! This is probably a bigger issue than you mention but it's not on that a mother of three is working full time to help fund a pub lifestyle for her partner!

Also the landlord isn't a friend, he is reaping nice earnings of your partner!

otterturk · 25/12/2018 23:21

OP that is a real kick in the teeth before you even mentioned his lack of employment and monthly spend on booze. You need to challenge this behaviour, it's beyond unreasonable.

I'm glad the rest of your Christmas was lovely Thanks

twig1234 · 25/12/2018 23:22

You must be worth more than this. I don't want to add to any horrid ness at Christmas but this is very sad. What a selfish man. I hope you have had a good day today before this. x

Original poster
Curtains77 · 25/12/2018 23:25

Yes otter- ithamk you . t's been a tricky year that's why this Christmas was important to regroup and rest. Thank you also loubylou xx

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Original poster
Curtains77 · 25/12/2018 23:29

Yes twig - with every passing minute I am feeling more sad ! 😞

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Original poster
Curtains77 · 25/12/2018 23:32

It is an on going battle but it's Just at Christmas, as for most people, feels more of a kick in teeth. I need to instigate change i think - nopoint in moaning really as does not achieve anything. 2019 here we come..maybe the year for change .

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TooTrueToBeGood · 25/12/2018 23:34

First off, he should choose to be with you on xmas because he wants to, not because you'd rather he didn't go out, so the qyestion should never have arisen. Second, if he's spending £250+ every month on alcohol I'd be very surprised if he isn't an alcoholic.

Original poster
Curtains77 · 25/12/2018 23:39

But why does he not want to be here ? He loves me, we have had fun, we have lots of food and drink and telly- we are so lucky to have all this. But still the pub is like a poison. Or rather ,the alcohol. I know he is alcohol dependant but not sure he is an alcoholic.

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Insomnibrat · 25/12/2018 23:43

Cock lodger.

He's taking the piss op! Furthermore, he knows he is!

TooTrueToBeGood · 25/12/2018 23:44

I know he is alcohol dependant but not sure he is an alcoholic

What's the difference?

Original poster
Curtains77 · 25/12/2018 23:45

I am giving him til midnight then I am off to bed. Sod this half hour my arse.

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Insomnibrat · 25/12/2018 23:45

'Going to bed'

That'll show him! Hmm

YankOnTheShelf · 25/12/2018 23:47

The better medical term is alcohol abuser. It's a progressive disease that gets worse over time.

He should start by seeing his GP about it.

ElspethFlashman · 25/12/2018 23:49

There's passive and then there's madness.

He's unemployed and pissing 15% of YOUR pay down the pub urinal! No wonder the landlord is so matey.

I've heard it all now.