Separating from Wife - complicated - I'll explain

[skylooper]

Hello everybody,

Forgive my username, I just made up the first random thing that popped in to my head that wasn't already taken.

I'm not entirely sure why I'm posting this, I guess I'd like other people's thoughts on what I'm going through. It's really messed up, but for those that stay with it, I'd appreciate your thoughts:

I'm a male in my 30's and have been with my wife for 15 years and married for 5. We have a 9 month old girl and this is our only child and we live together. I want us to separate and stay living together. All sounds reasonably simple, but let me just explain the full circumstances, in as concise a manner as possible...

My wife and I met when we were 16. I'd never had a relationship before. I proposed to her around 8 years in to the relationship. A couple of years after this she was diagnosed with a brain tumour. She has gone through a hell of a lot of surgery, treatments etc. and in essence has suffered from what's known as a brain injury. She has had to learn to walk, talk and live a normal life again. She can no longer drive because of the illness. She's now on annual scans, but last few years have been clear and things look up. She's pretty much independent now, just slower than she used to be and her confidence has gone and she's not really got a social life. I have been by her side throughout this whole journey and have played an integral part in getting her to where she is now. I’m not saying this to get any thanks or kudos, I just want to explain that it’s been a very difficult and emotionally draining journey for me as well as her. I have exerted a tremendous amount of effort in to rehabilitating her. Anyway, despite the illness, we got married and had a wonderful day. I felt so proud of her and was humbled at the progress she was making in her recovery. I managed to resume my university studies and got myself a decent job, and then we got a house together. Our life still revolved around my wife’s recovery and she was doing well. I had arranged for her to have regular private physio to try to push her along. She managed to go back to work part time, and we got to a point where we were living a fairly normal life.

During one of our routine appointments with the consultant, I asked whether she was still able to have children. I wasn’t sure whether all the treatment she’d had would have affected things and I also wondered about if the brain tumour was hereditary, and the consultant assured us that it was perfectly safe to have a child. This is where it gets a bit weird. I wanted her to have a child so much, because I could see that she was in a state of low confidence and maybe even depression although when I discussed it with her she would not admit this, and I thought a child would give her a boost and a reason to live and push herself forward. So, we had a child and she is now 9 months old and that is where we are up to. My wife is doing a great job looking after her, although she does rely on me a lot, but we’re getting by and our daughter is amazing and we are so proud of her.

All the above sounds lovely and inspiring, I hope, but I have been fighting an inner battle for years. I have not felt satisfaction in our relationship for a long time. When I look back to my proposing, I was working away at the time, and was very lonely, and I feel as though that loneliness and insecurity played a part in the decision to propose. That’s just a theory though. I obviously really thought that I loved at the time her otherwise I wouldn’t have made such a big decision. When I look back at our first date, we went to the park, and it was so awkward, we barely spoke a word to each other, but I’d never been on a date before, so I didn’t see this as anything bad. I thought she was really pretty and that’s all that seemed to matter. When I look at all the times we’ve been out since as a couple, it’s always been the same. It’s awkward, we don’t have anything to talk about and the conversation is very difficult. At home, we do our own things. I try but we are not on the same page. We are interested in very different things, we are intellectually on very different levels, emotionally as well. Every now and again I’d have these feelings that I wanted to break up, but because of how vulnerable she’s been post brain tumour, I’ve quickly put those feelings away in the back of my mind. The very thought of even starting that conversation made me feel sick to my stomach, knowing the devastation it could cause. We don’t have any kind of sex life and we live together as a parent and sibling might, I do a lot of the housework, most of the cooking, I am relied upon like a parent is relied upon by its child in SOME ways, not all by any means and that would be doing a disservice to my wife to say that, but I am relied upon more so than the “average” husband is shall we say. None of it is her fault, it’s just the facts of life. I have brought up our lack of sex on a few occasions, but she has stated that she is not interested in sex at all. Even when we conceived our daughter, it was like a chore, and was not a pleasurable experience, she just wanted it over as quickly as possible. Luckily it didn’t take many “goes”. I don’t feel any physical attraction to my wife any more and don’t feel any spiritual connection with her. I feel like she doesn’t “get” me at all. This is partly because I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching over the past few years and inward looking, and getting to know myself better.

I’ve constantly been filling my life with other things to try to fill the hole that I’ve felt. I’ve had countless different career changes, countless hobbies, always doing something but never finding satisfaction. I have bouts of depression that I manage to get through.

Recently, I had a very strong feeling rise to the surface that I had to tell her how I felt and that I wanted us to separate. I tried to let it dissipate like it usually does, but it just got stronger. I was so ill, I felt a huge amount of anxiety, and cried lots at the thought of hurting my wife. Several days ago I could bare it no longer, I’d tried telephone counselling to help but it only re-enforced what I had to do.

The strength I had to muster just to have a conversation with my wife is phenomenal. But I did it. I thought perhaps she might have felt the same, and could see what I could see, but she could not, she was completely shocked by what I had to say, and broke down, distraught, it was so horrible. Her family are now very angry with me, saying that I am selfish and how could I abandon her and that she will not cope on her own. I am not abandoning her though, I want us to live together still and bring up our daughter, just not as a married couple. I don’t think she fully gets what I’m trying to say. Since the conversation, things have calmed down and appear to have returned to normal, with a few subtle differences, like not linking when we’re out walking our daughter and not kissing each other. We used to kiss each other, but it was like it was a matter of course, not because we wanted to, we’d say “I love you”, but because it was habitual. I do still feel a kind of love for her, a love as though I still want to care for her, but not a love that partners would feel. It’s very hard to describe, because it’s unique isn’t it.

I crave to be able to be with somebody who understands me, who I can feel a real connection with, whom I can be physically intimate with, who I can share things and do things with, whom I can talk with and actually converse with. I don’t want this straight away, but given time I will find somebody else and try my very best to make sure this person is right for me. With my wife, she was basically the first girl that ever paid me any attention, and wanted me, and it was a really exciting time for me and the realisation of what being with a woman was like, amazing. She broke up with me a couple of times, the first I was devastated, but the second, I felt free and really enjoyed my time having my own space and dating other girls, but then she came back to me really upset saying she needed me back because she’d made a mistake and somehow we got back together, and I think that’s when the real mistake happened. I was weak, and was sad to see that she was sad, and wanted to end her sadness, but it wasn’t right looking back.

I am not seeking salvation, but it would be interesting to hear what other people’s thoughts are. Of course, there’s a lot more than what I have written above, and I’m sure I have missed important information, but the bones of the situation are there. I don’t know what it means in the long run. If I meet somebody else, then this would create a new dynamic, but at the moment, there is nobody else, I just need to feel free from pretending to be happily married and be able to be myself. I don’t know, it’s messed up, I don’t want any sympathy. I suppose I want to know if you think I’m selfish, if you think I’m doing the right thing.

Thank you for taking the time to read this.

Please feel free to ask any questions and I will do my best to answer them, if you are interested or if it would help you understand the situation better.

It sounds as if you have grown up and grown in different ways.
Your wife has faced many challenges and now there is a baby in the mix as well.
What you have taken months/years to come to terms with, she has had a bomb shell dropped.
What has she said?

If you want to separate, do so. You're allowed -you have one life to live.
But stop with the 'mustering phenomenal stregnth' guff, and stop blaming your wife or circumstance for your growing apart. It happens, and it happens a lot.

But maybe re-think the licing together thing. It works for couples who are in the same oage, but you are not.

Living, not licing, obviously.

Well I’m probably not best to comment on this as my husband passed away from a brain tumour. I understand it’s tough but your comments like she relies on me more than other husbands- well that’s marriage in sickness and in health. But if your not happy your not happy. However it’s not going to work with you living together .

Do you know what, I was about to post a flippant comment about "you're not a 'male', OP, you're a man, unless you're an orang-utan, a rodent or an elm tree"

But then I kept reading and your pain is resonating with me.

Ask yourself this. If your wife had no illness and was 100% physically and mentally able of living a "normal" life, would you leave?

Crikey. You dont come out of the op well at all. It is all about you isnt it? You want to stay livin in the house with your ex ? Why?

Weenurse - she said that she was really sad, and kept asking me what she can do to make me want her, it was really upsetting. I said that it wasn't something she has done or not done, but that it's just we are very different people, but her illness has complicated matters of course, and our daughter also, but I am very glad that we have had a child, and that now she is a mother, because I think she needed it.

TheSpottedZebra - I'm not blaming my wife, please don't think that, like you say, we grew apart, and I've realised that we are not right for each other, but she cannot see this and wants to stay together. When I was talking about taking all my effort, it might sound dramatic, but I've never had to initiate a separation, especially not in these types of circumstances.

The living together part, it's a necessity I feel. She would not be able to look after our daughter on her own because of her limitations due to the illness. I don't mean she'd neglect her or anything like that, but it would be so physically draining on my wife because she is a lot slower than she used to be and finds it very difficult to multi-task. For example, I can look after our daughter and cook at the same time, but my wife finds it very difficult. I think I would have to stay her, at least for the short to medium term. Long term we might be able to put things in place to support her.

Living together is never going to work longer term.

You need to work out how to separate properly if that's what you wish to do. It may suit you to live together but what about your wife? It would be torturous to live as a separated couple under the same roof if you are the party that did not want the separation. How do you think she would feel when you met a new partner? How would you expect your living situation to work then?

You haven't thought this through properly.

She needs time to get her head around the change in circumstances.

I feel like as you've grown as a person and feel you cannot continue your marriage then it's unfair to her to say 'oh let's separate but I want to live with you still'

I understand you wish to support her and your daughter; but I don't think it's fair to them if you separate and stick around. It might be confusing for your daughter. Like PP have said, what happens when you do meet someone else and the dynamic changes? Will you then move out or would you rather be living separately to start a new chapter for yourself?

All the above sounds lovely and inspiring
It doesn’t actually, you sound incredibly self centred. Particularly where you say you wanted her to have a child, there’s no mention of whether or not she wanted a child, and a child isn’t going to magically fix someone’s depression, raising a child is exhausting and stressful and definitely not a magical cure for poor mental health.

If you want to leave her, then absolutely do leave her, but personally I think living with her won’t be the best option, particularly since you clearly want to pursue new relationships. Does she have a good support network of friends and family? That’s what she’ll need.

Be honest, OP: were you hoping for some sympathetic PM from a woman who understands your problems and will kiss them better?

You'll pull better fish with better bait.

The living together part, it's a necessity I feel. She would not be able to look after our daughter on her own because of her limitations due to the illness.

How do you think single parents with life-limiting illnesses cope? Adult social services exist for this purpose. You do not have to burn yourself on the pyre of your wife's illness.

Bluewidow - I'm very sorry to hear about your husband. Please don't misinterpret what I was trying to say about the fact she relies on me more. I wasn't saying that that's one of the reasons I want to separate, but that it makes it more difficult, because I know how much she would struggle without me. Although I'm not planning on moving out and she doesn't want me to.

NotTheFordType - I am certain that had my wife not gone through this illness we would have separated. Prior to her illness we still weren't compatible. I just hadn't realised it. But I cannot ever say that for certain because it's just hypothetical. We have never liked the same things though. I for some reason hadn't realised this was an issue. I want to set her free as much as myself. I feel as though she's in this bubble at the moment, and to kick on in her life she needs to be free from me as well, but maybe I'm just thinking that to try to make myself feel better.

CountDuckula - I want to live with them both because I still want to support them as a husband would, but not be in a romantic relationship with my wife. Whether in the long run this would work is debateable, but in the short term it is a necessity, for the health and well-being of both of them.

I'm sorry to hear about your wife. I'm very involved with Headway for similar reasons and I really understand how this has changed your relationship.

There's no polite way to say this op, but I am wondering if you have met somebody else.You seem to be rewriting history and comparing your wife to someone who is more interesting/ does want more sex .If your first date was so bad and you had nothing in common it wouldn't have progressed. You are anonymous here, and if this is the case you will get better advice if you say so.

What you're proposing is not a separation. It's basically you living in the home and having the option to peruse other relationships. I'm not judging you, it's just not going to work.

I really feel for you. I don’t know what you can do - if your wife was ok with you seeing others and you could build a polyamorous life together then it could work I suppose, but I doubt your wife would want that, from what you’ve said.

Could she live with her parents, and therefore have help with the baby when she has her, and you move out?

I am certain that had my wife not gone through this illness we would have separated

Then allow her the basic dignity of you leaving and her arranging carers.

Trust me, the last thing most disabled partner needs is someone who is grudgingly staying with them (and providing intimate care) out of a sense of obligation.

You definitely shouldn't have tubbed her though. That was the height of stupidity.

OhLemons - you are right, I haven't thought it through properly, I've just started the conversation, and come up with what I thought was the best way forward initially. I understand the issue if I met somebody else. But that is going to be at some point in the future. For now, I wanted to let her know how I felt and to let her know that I'm not going to abandon her.

WeeNurse - yeah I agree, she does, I've dropped a massive bombshell.

AnxiousMama101 - I honestly dont' know, my mind is all over the place at the moment, I feel like I'm doing the right thing by being honest but then the pain I'm causing makes me think whether it IS the right thing, is it better to go on pretending to be happy, if she never found out that this was not the case.

PippilottaLongstocking - that quote was about how it was inspiring how she'd come through all this trauma and I thought that was inspiring, and a good positive story, on the surface. I understand why you think I'm self-centred. Yes, my wife really wanted a child, it gave her a real lift and in the car on the way home from hospital, she was really excited at the prospect of having a child. I didn't force anything on her, I just let her know that I was willing to have one if she wanted one, and she did, very much so and it's been an amazing journey getting to where we are now. She has withdrawn from a lot of her friends, and only really sees them when I encourage her to make contact with them. They all have children, literally all of them do, and so they're busy bringing their own children up. I do feel a bit aggrieved at her friends and the lack of support they have given her through her illness. A lot of them seem to have abandoned her. She didn't make a lot of effort to reach out to them and a lot of her good friendships have died. She has very good support from her parents who do not live far away, and my parents also.

NotTheFordType - I had not considered this, I don't really know much about what help is available, thank you. In the short term though I think I will be led by her, as to what she wants me to do. We have a reasonable big house so if she needed space I could get out the way. I'm not trying to say I'm great, she's useless, she needs loads of support, it's hard to portray the actual situation in words, because it's complex, but from what I'm reading, maybe I'm not giving my wife enough credit.

NotTheFordType - Tubbed?

You need to end this relationship. It seems as though you have nothing in common but the fact of her disability has prevented you from leaving her any sooner. You are complicit in making all three of your lives messy and complicated but the bottom line is that you don’t love your wife and therefore nobody has the right to tell you that you should stay.

It’s not going to work still living together while you seek and then have the new relationship that you want. If you want out of the marriage, you would need to be properly out not half in and half out. Who would be primary carer for your child, if you leave your wife?

This is a very difficult situation and I feel sorry for all of you. I’m a bit shocked at your timing. You had many years to opt out of the relationship but are choosing to do so less than a year after she had a child that you persuaded her to have. That’s very bad timing.

I’m wondering whether you are just experiencing the marital trough that many couples have after a new baby (no sex, lack of sleep, the responsibility and restrictions of being a new parent), and all the rest of it is you justifying to yourself why you want a change.

Would you consider counselling? For you as a couple, perhaps, or perhaps just for yourself to support you with the challenges your wife’s illness is giving you.

I’m not saying that you should stay in the marriage if it is making you desperately unhappy and your situation is more complicated than most people’s but I think everyone has felt like you do at some point in their marriages, particularly just after having babies, and many have got past it and been happy again as the children grow up and they get their lives (and sex lives) back again.

sprouts21 - I understand why you might think I have found somebody else but I can honestly say that I have not. I have just ended a very stressful career that I was deeply unhappy in and these feelings rose up soon after my last day at work.

AtrociousCircumstance - I don't think she would be happy with me being with somebody else and still living together, but I feel like this is going to be a fair way in to the future. But who knows. The living with parents option is a possibility, certainly, and is definitely something to consider, thank you.

NotTheFordType - Understand what you are saying. It's not carers that she would need but just support, but point taken either way. I just don't know what help is available. And I know what you're saying, and I hope that she would share your view, that she wouldn't want me sticking around out of an obligation. I don't even know whether that's what I feel. I just want to help bring our daughter up the best I can but maybe you're right and it would be difficult living together.

I don't think the grass is greener on the other side. Marriage is hard work (so I've heard). You made your vows.

Of course society doesn't frown on divorce nowadays so you can do that too. I think you'd have to move out though it would be too painful for her to know you're meeting other women. Is she eligible for a carer?

There are many layers to where you find yourself now and I do empathise.

I think NotTheFord's question is a good one to help you explore what's really going on in your mind, though I think you do already know.

Op, you can leave, just as any person can leave. Don't guilt trip yourself into staying for altruistic reasons, it won't help anyone over the long term, least of all your daughter. But it won't work to live separate lives still living in the same family home. With the best will in the world it really won't work.

Your daughter is very young, too young to register any real change in her family life. If you don't separate now, imagine how you might feel in 10, 20 or 30 years. It will only get harder for your daughter as well as for you and your wife. If you keep your daughter's best interests at the forefront of your mind, and consider your wife's happiness too, you will be setting her free to find another way, and setting yourself free from a relationship that sounds like it might stifle the last breath from you emotionally over the long term. The years soon go by and you don't want to look back and see a barren landscape which, by choosing a different path today, could create a golden future (who knows what, where...) within which your daughter would blossom and grow. Bringing her up in an emotionally stifling atmosphere (in which resentment would soon grow) will not be good for your daughter. Such an atmosphere blunts creativity and growth. Create a new and different future where she, and you, can blossom. You might find your wife would blossom too.

And there you will find your answer: How would you feel if your wife met someone else, he moved in, and their relationship blossomed as he took on the caring role, and she no longer needed you?

If that idea hurts, turn your attention back to re-connecting with your wife. Perhaps you can re-kindle your desire for her, and perhaps her desire can be ignited. Perhaps you have not been approaching her in the way that works for her. Have you thought of that? Have you tried to woo her? She, and you, have been through a very traumatic time. That can take years to heal emotionally, let alone physically. I imagine any sex drive she had would have shut down in her body's auto defence of being under major threat from a brain tumour.

As I said, many layers to where you find yourself. Take her dancing, walk on the beach, give her massages (without expectation of sex), talk to each other, become friends again, if that's possible. If it isn't, I think you have to leave. It would be the fairest outcome for everyone.