Separating from Wife - complicated - I'll explain

[skylooper]

Hello everybody,

Forgive my username, I just made up the first random thing that popped in to my head that wasn't already taken.

I'm not entirely sure why I'm posting this, I guess I'd like other people's thoughts on what I'm going through. It's really messed up, but for those that stay with it, I'd appreciate your thoughts:

I'm a male in my 30's and have been with my wife for 15 years and married for 5. We have a 9 month old girl and this is our only child and we live together. I want us to separate and stay living together. All sounds reasonably simple, but let me just explain the full circumstances, in as concise a manner as possible...

My wife and I met when we were 16. I'd never had a relationship before. I proposed to her around 8 years in to the relationship. A couple of years after this she was diagnosed with a brain tumour. She has gone through a hell of a lot of surgery, treatments etc. and in essence has suffered from what's known as a brain injury. She has had to learn to walk, talk and live a normal life again. She can no longer drive because of the illness. She's now on annual scans, but last few years have been clear and things look up. She's pretty much independent now, just slower than she used to be and her confidence has gone and she's not really got a social life. I have been by her side throughout this whole journey and have played an integral part in getting her to where she is now. I’m not saying this to get any thanks or kudos, I just want to explain that it’s been a very difficult and emotionally draining journey for me as well as her. I have exerted a tremendous amount of effort in to rehabilitating her. Anyway, despite the illness, we got married and had a wonderful day. I felt so proud of her and was humbled at the progress she was making in her recovery. I managed to resume my university studies and got myself a decent job, and then we got a house together. Our life still revolved around my wife’s recovery and she was doing well. I had arranged for her to have regular private physio to try to push her along. She managed to go back to work part time, and we got to a point where we were living a fairly normal life.

During one of our routine appointments with the consultant, I asked whether she was still able to have children. I wasn’t sure whether all the treatment she’d had would have affected things and I also wondered about if the brain tumour was hereditary, and the consultant assured us that it was perfectly safe to have a child. This is where it gets a bit weird. I wanted her to have a child so much, because I could see that she was in a state of low confidence and maybe even depression although when I discussed it with her she would not admit this, and I thought a child would give her a boost and a reason to live and push herself forward. So, we had a child and she is now 9 months old and that is where we are up to. My wife is doing a great job looking after her, although she does rely on me a lot, but we’re getting by and our daughter is amazing and we are so proud of her.

All the above sounds lovely and inspiring, I hope, but I have been fighting an inner battle for years. I have not felt satisfaction in our relationship for a long time. When I look back to my proposing, I was working away at the time, and was very lonely, and I feel as though that loneliness and insecurity played a part in the decision to propose. That’s just a theory though. I obviously really thought that I loved at the time her otherwise I wouldn’t have made such a big decision. When I look back at our first date, we went to the park, and it was so awkward, we barely spoke a word to each other, but I’d never been on a date before, so I didn’t see this as anything bad. I thought she was really pretty and that’s all that seemed to matter. When I look at all the times we’ve been out since as a couple, it’s always been the same. It’s awkward, we don’t have anything to talk about and the conversation is very difficult. At home, we do our own things. I try but we are not on the same page. We are interested in very different things, we are intellectually on very different levels, emotionally as well. Every now and again I’d have these feelings that I wanted to break up, but because of how vulnerable she’s been post brain tumour, I’ve quickly put those feelings away in the back of my mind. The very thought of even starting that conversation made me feel sick to my stomach, knowing the devastation it could cause. We don’t have any kind of sex life and we live together as a parent and sibling might, I do a lot of the housework, most of the cooking, I am relied upon like a parent is relied upon by its child in SOME ways, not all by any means and that would be doing a disservice to my wife to say that, but I am relied upon more so than the “average” husband is shall we say. None of it is her fault, it’s just the facts of life. I have brought up our lack of sex on a few occasions, but she has stated that she is not interested in sex at all. Even when we conceived our daughter, it was like a chore, and was not a pleasurable experience, she just wanted it over as quickly as possible. Luckily it didn’t take many “goes”. I don’t feel any physical attraction to my wife any more and don’t feel any spiritual connection with her. I feel like she doesn’t “get” me at all. This is partly because I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching over the past few years and inward looking, and getting to know myself better.

I’ve constantly been filling my life with other things to try to fill the hole that I’ve felt. I’ve had countless different career changes, countless hobbies, always doing something but never finding satisfaction. I have bouts of depression that I manage to get through.

Recently, I had a very strong feeling rise to the surface that I had to tell her how I felt and that I wanted us to separate. I tried to let it dissipate like it usually does, but it just got stronger. I was so ill, I felt a huge amount of anxiety, and cried lots at the thought of hurting my wife. Several days ago I could bare it no longer, I’d tried telephone counselling to help but it only re-enforced what I had to do.

The strength I had to muster just to have a conversation with my wife is phenomenal. But I did it. I thought perhaps she might have felt the same, and could see what I could see, but she could not, she was completely shocked by what I had to say, and broke down, distraught, it was so horrible. Her family are now very angry with me, saying that I am selfish and how could I abandon her and that she will not cope on her own. I am not abandoning her though, I want us to live together still and bring up our daughter, just not as a married couple. I don’t think she fully gets what I’m trying to say. Since the conversation, things have calmed down and appear to have returned to normal, with a few subtle differences, like not linking when we’re out walking our daughter and not kissing each other. We used to kiss each other, but it was like it was a matter of course, not because we wanted to, we’d say “I love you”, but because it was habitual. I do still feel a kind of love for her, a love as though I still want to care for her, but not a love that partners would feel. It’s very hard to describe, because it’s unique isn’t it.

I crave to be able to be with somebody who understands me, who I can feel a real connection with, whom I can be physically intimate with, who I can share things and do things with, whom I can talk with and actually converse with. I don’t want this straight away, but given time I will find somebody else and try my very best to make sure this person is right for me. With my wife, she was basically the first girl that ever paid me any attention, and wanted me, and it was a really exciting time for me and the realisation of what being with a woman was like, amazing. She broke up with me a couple of times, the first I was devastated, but the second, I felt free and really enjoyed my time having my own space and dating other girls, but then she came back to me really upset saying she needed me back because she’d made a mistake and somehow we got back together, and I think that’s when the real mistake happened. I was weak, and was sad to see that she was sad, and wanted to end her sadness, but it wasn’t right looking back.

I am not seeking salvation, but it would be interesting to hear what other people’s thoughts are. Of course, there’s a lot more than what I have written above, and I’m sure I have missed important information, but the bones of the situation are there. I don’t know what it means in the long run. If I meet somebody else, then this would create a new dynamic, but at the moment, there is nobody else, I just need to feel free from pretending to be happily married and be able to be myself. I don’t know, it’s messed up, I don’t want any sympathy. I suppose I want to know if you think I’m selfish, if you think I’m doing the right thing.

Thank you for taking the time to read this.

Please feel free to ask any questions and I will do my best to answer them, if you are interested or if it would help you understand the situation better.

She can cook yes, she just finds it difficult to juggle our daughter and cook at the same time, like the multi-tasking bit. But I'm sure she could actually manage. I don't perform any caring duties in the sense that most people think, it's more like practical stuff like taking her to the shops, organising all the bills and things like that, but I think that I've taken all these responsibilities on of my own accord, because I think that my wife cannot do them, and maybe it's time I started to put more faith in what she can acheive. Like she wanted me to ring the nursery yesterday to arrange a day to go and see what it's like, but I said that she can do it, and she did, and then she put the appointment in my diary, I need to get her doing more things like that to build her confidence, I HAVE wrapped her in cotton wool I know, and that's probably been going on for too long, but I have also tried to encourage her to be more independent, like trying to get her to get the bus somewhere on her own, but she has never been able to do this as of yet. I think I will try this again, I feel like that would be a big step for her, if she were to get the bus to town and do some shopping on her own or something like that.

I feel sorry for you. Not the best decisions but you are where you are and have only one life. You are not obligated to be a carer forever and have a right to seek happiness. Good luck

I appreciate your feelings have changed. You perhaps matured emotionally in ways you didn't see coming. What we want in our younger years perhaps isn't as we grow.
If there really is no hope then it's time to walk, living together is not an option as it will be too confusing for your DC as well as your wife. I can see you are trying to choose the option that will cause the least guilt. This isn't it. This is most definitely rock & hard place. Whatever you decide you need find peace with.

To be honest when I hear from a bloke that his wife 'doesn't like sex' my first thought is that 'he's not doing what works for her'.

Sometimes but as an absolute, this isn't right at all. Lots of us go off sex for hormonal reasons, because we're actually asexual other than when TTC, depression and all manner of reasons. It's not just because the man didn't have the right "moves" or whatever

I think you'd be better off with a proper clean separation. You might want to wait until your baby is no longer being breast-fed because that will make 50-50 parenting easier.

Life is short. Don't stay out of a sense of obligation if the love is gone. You can still actively be involved in her care even if you're not living with her. She'll probably manage better than you imagine.

You sounds like a lovely person, self-introspective and willing to make yet more efforts to make it work rather than running away. The truth is people separate all the time because the marriage has run its course. It happens. In your case, there is the added issue of your wife's disability but does this mean you should stay with her forever if otherwise you wouldn't?

I wish oyu luck and hope you can make it work. Many marriages get to an all time low when one or ob5h partner think there is nothing left to salvage but then ride the storm together and come out of it stronger and more in love then they were to start with, so it can happen.

We have just had an honest talk, and it was a lot more productive than last time, because she'd had time to think about what I said. She wants us to try to fix our relationship, and maybe I am being too hasty, and things had to come to a boil in order for positive change to happen, I really was in an anxious mes until I told her, but my anxiety has all gone away now (although I was left with a feeling of self loathing and guilt) and the knot I had in my stomach has gone completely, it's like the words themselves were inside me and I needed to speak the words to get rid of the knot.

We have booked in an initial councilling appt and through them, hopefully we can get the right councillor involved for my wife, specialising in people who have gone through a brain injury and I'm going to ask to be referred to councilling through my doctor tomorrow. I do think the last few years have taken a toll on me and I've just ignored it and thought that I'll get through it what ever because I have to. I think I need to talk about my feelings to a professional and maybe let a load of built up sadness and emotion out, because I'm not good at expressing my emotions. I feel like I'm very good at empathising with other people's emotions, and am very sensitive to other people's feelings, as though I feel other people's pain, but I am perhaps not good at letting my own emotions out on to other people, which could be causing the inner turmoil I mentioned.

I'm now starting to accept that this is going to be a lengthy process, and it's such an important decision to make that it shouldn't be made in the manner I was trying to make it, but emotions are so strong sometimes. We like to think we have full self control, but hormones and emotions play such a huge part in our actions. Like when people go on diets and think they have an informed choice about when they are going to eat and how much, but our bodies rule and manipulate us in to eating what it needs. I'm going off on a bit of a tangent here, but what I'm saying is that maybe due to my mental state (hormones, emotions, physical pain, etc.) my actions were driven by that. There are obviously deep underlying issues that perhaps are fix-able, and I am willing to try to fix them, but at least I've brought things to a head now and they're out in the open with not just me and my wife but our families, so we have that support too, and maybe just maybe in six months time or 12 months time we'll be happier than ever. I am not the type of person to just throw things away, despite what it might seem like with the jobs I've had, I have given them good goes, but if you realise something is never going to be for you then you have to move on. The new job I have I think is going to suit me down to the ground and I'm feeling so positive about it I can't wait to start, so maybe this will help heal a part of me and give me a much needed boost of self confidence.

But I am also going to have to be really painfully honest with myself if the councilling doesn't work, and my feelings remain unchanged, and that's when the pain will really come for both of us.

But this has been so so helpful, hearing from you all, it's helped me massively, I was hesitant to post, because a) I didn't know why I was posting and b) I was worried about being judged, but by being judged it's helped a lot. I feel a lot better now. It's amazing how many different emotions one can have in a short space of time, guilt, sadness, fear, hope, anger, self-pitty, love, and more that words probably can't describe.

My wife has just taken our daughter to her parents, and after I gave her a hug and watched her walk down the garden path with tears in her eyes, I felt such strong feelings of (love), or care, I don't know, I just wanted to run after her and hug her and tell her everything was going to be okay.

*Bowchicawowow

Spandang Have you ever been a carer to a partner who has a disability? I assume you haven’t because if you had, you would never judge anyone in the same position. It’s incredibly difficult.*

I don’t deny it’s difficult. I watched my best friend and her husband divorce because he had an affair with a much younger woman, on the basis she couldn’t physically have sex with him because of her disability.

There’s something to be said for treating people, with or without a disability, with dignity.

What is dignifying for his wife about the situation he intends to create?

Well done OP

I am glad that you are dealing with the issues that you both face. Just please consider that your wife needs consideration with her feelings foremost and it's not all about you. I hope you both have a great new year and things go well for you all just take time out as a couple and date again and find some affection and respect for each other and that way your child will benefit from an improvement in your relationship.

It’s great that you had that conversation OP.

Good news @skylooper 🎉

Gawd. What a load of flowery language to cover up an affair/OW. Your wife may surprise you by not needing you after all. Drivel.

I'm afraid I really just don't buy any of what you're saying. I doubt your wife will either.

Well done OP. I'm glad that MN kind of helped you to think things through and come to a plan moving forward. Good luck!

Something about this doesn't sit well with me.
There's the deciding to have the baby which seemed to come from you, and hasn't been the silver bullet you hoped for; there's the talk of her being primary carer to the child with you "helping" and "supporting" when it was your idea - you have no intention of taking on the work of that child and see it as her sole responsibility.
You say she is on maternity leave and hoping to go back part time - does that mean she was working full time before? Being pregnant and working full time takes a huge toll on a person and I would hope you would have been doing all the cooking and laundry in those circumstances. How did she get to work if she can't get the bus on her own?
Funny how you've decided now that she's probably capable of more now that you want to separate.

In my humble opinion, it all seems fairly reasonable, the desire to leave if unhappy and after playing the dutiful husband under extremely difficult circumstances. But, two points really:

1. Although you mention being proud of having a baby, this is where the main complications arise. To do one only 9 months in, that’s piss poor, from your child’s perspective. And the separate but live together idea is mere fantasy, how’s that gonna work then? Also, to keep on saying ‘she neeed it’, regardless of her journey etc, it’s patronising AF. I think, in order to recognise her own progress, you have to stop playing the hero/parent (your words)

1. It is reasonable to want intamcy and all the rest, and she’s not keen. That’s a very big thing. Have you tried some kind of counselling whereby you can ‘teach each other’ how to compliment each other’s needs etc, essentially talking more and getting it on from time to time. If this isn’t of any importance to her, then regardless all the rest, it would be her showing a lack of interest in the long term.

It sounds like a very complicated life you have both led but in the end, you both have a responsibility, as a married couple, to exhaust all eventualities before calling it a day.

Amazing that you managed to find and book counselling with a specialist counselling service, on a Saturday, in the time you took to tell your wife everything you've said here, and to come back and let posters know.
Her head must be spinning, OP because mine certainly is.

I thought that too Bike.

I suspect if there is counselling arranged it's only so you can say you did everything you could. This utterly stinks of an affair. The rewriting of history is awful, the talk of the first date is really scraping the barrel.

@BikeTart he also said he would see the doctors tomorrow (Sunday?) something is off here.

You sound like you consider yourself really hard done by. I find it funny that you think your wife should live with you when seperated and thus denying her a chance to find happiness as well. I also read between the lines that you have met someone else.

Yep. So much angst and so little substance.