Hello everybody,
Forgive my username, I just made up the first random thing that popped in to my head that wasn't already taken.
I'm not entirely sure why I'm posting this, I guess I'd like other people's thoughts on what I'm going through. It's really messed up, but for those that stay with it, I'd appreciate your thoughts:
I'm a male in my 30's and have been with my wife for 15 years and married for 5. We have a 9 month old girl and this is our only child and we live together. I want us to separate and stay living together. All sounds reasonably simple, but let me just explain the full circumstances, in as concise a manner as possible...
My wife and I met when we were 16. I'd never had a relationship before. I proposed to her around 8 years in to the relationship. A couple of years after this she was diagnosed with a brain tumour. She has gone through a hell of a lot of surgery, treatments etc. and in essence has suffered from what's known as a brain injury. She has had to learn to walk, talk and live a normal life again. She can no longer drive because of the illness. She's now on annual scans, but last few years have been clear and things look up. She's pretty much independent now, just slower than she used to be and her confidence has gone and she's not really got a social life. I have been by her side throughout this whole journey and have played an integral part in getting her to where she is now. I’m not saying this to get any thanks or kudos, I just want to explain that it’s been a very difficult and emotionally draining journey for me as well as her. I have exerted a tremendous amount of effort in to rehabilitating her. Anyway, despite the illness, we got married and had a wonderful day. I felt so proud of her and was humbled at the progress she was making in her recovery. I managed to resume my university studies and got myself a decent job, and then we got a house together. Our life still revolved around my wife’s recovery and she was doing well. I had arranged for her to have regular private physio to try to push her along. She managed to go back to work part time, and we got to a point where we were living a fairly normal life.
During one of our routine appointments with the consultant, I asked whether she was still able to have children. I wasn’t sure whether all the treatment she’d had would have affected things and I also wondered about if the brain tumour was hereditary, and the consultant assured us that it was perfectly safe to have a child. This is where it gets a bit weird. I wanted her to have a child so much, because I could see that she was in a state of low confidence and maybe even depression although when I discussed it with her she would not admit this, and I thought a child would give her a boost and a reason to live and push herself forward. So, we had a child and she is now 9 months old and that is where we are up to. My wife is doing a great job looking after her, although she does rely on me a lot, but we’re getting by and our daughter is amazing and we are so proud of her.
All the above sounds lovely and inspiring, I hope, but I have been fighting an inner battle for years. I have not felt satisfaction in our relationship for a long time. When I look back to my proposing, I was working away at the time, and was very lonely, and I feel as though that loneliness and insecurity played a part in the decision to propose. That’s just a theory though. I obviously really thought that I loved at the time her otherwise I wouldn’t have made such a big decision. When I look back at our first date, we went to the park, and it was so awkward, we barely spoke a word to each other, but I’d never been on a date before, so I didn’t see this as anything bad. I thought she was really pretty and that’s all that seemed to matter. When I look at all the times we’ve been out since as a couple, it’s always been the same. It’s awkward, we don’t have anything to talk about and the conversation is very difficult. At home, we do our own things. I try but we are not on the same page. We are interested in very different things, we are intellectually on very different levels, emotionally as well. Every now and again I’d have these feelings that I wanted to break up, but because of how vulnerable she’s been post brain tumour, I’ve quickly put those feelings away in the back of my mind. The very thought of even starting that conversation made me feel sick to my stomach, knowing the devastation it could cause. We don’t have any kind of sex life and we live together as a parent and sibling might, I do a lot of the housework, most of the cooking, I am relied upon like a parent is relied upon by its child in SOME ways, not all by any means and that would be doing a disservice to my wife to say that, but I am relied upon more so than the “average” husband is shall we say. None of it is her fault, it’s just the facts of life. I have brought up our lack of sex on a few occasions, but she has stated that she is not interested in sex at all. Even when we conceived our daughter, it was like a chore, and was not a pleasurable experience, she just wanted it over as quickly as possible. Luckily it didn’t take many “goes”. I don’t feel any physical attraction to my wife any more and don’t feel any spiritual connection with her. I feel like she doesn’t “get” me at all. This is partly because I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching over the past few years and inward looking, and getting to know myself better.
I’ve constantly been filling my life with other things to try to fill the hole that I’ve felt. I’ve had countless different career changes, countless hobbies, always doing something but never finding satisfaction. I have bouts of depression that I manage to get through.
Recently, I had a very strong feeling rise to the surface that I had to tell her how I felt and that I wanted us to separate. I tried to let it dissipate like it usually does, but it just got stronger. I was so ill, I felt a huge amount of anxiety, and cried lots at the thought of hurting my wife. Several days ago I could bare it no longer, I’d tried telephone counselling to help but it only re-enforced what I had to do.
The strength I had to muster just to have a conversation with my wife is phenomenal. But I did it. I thought perhaps she might have felt the same, and could see what I could see, but she could not, she was completely shocked by what I had to say, and broke down, distraught, it was so horrible. Her family are now very angry with me, saying that I am selfish and how could I abandon her and that she will not cope on her own. I am not abandoning her though, I want us to live together still and bring up our daughter, just not as a married couple. I don’t think she fully gets what I’m trying to say. Since the conversation, things have calmed down and appear to have returned to normal, with a few subtle differences, like not linking when we’re out walking our daughter and not kissing each other. We used to kiss each other, but it was like it was a matter of course, not because we wanted to, we’d say “I love you”, but because it was habitual. I do still feel a kind of love for her, a love as though I still want to care for her, but not a love that partners would feel. It’s very hard to describe, because it’s unique isn’t it.
I crave to be able to be with somebody who understands me, who I can feel a real connection with, whom I can be physically intimate with, who I can share things and do things with, whom I can talk with and actually converse with. I don’t want this straight away, but given time I will find somebody else and try my very best to make sure this person is right for me. With my wife, she was basically the first girl that ever paid me any attention, and wanted me, and it was a really exciting time for me and the realisation of what being with a woman was like, amazing. She broke up with me a couple of times, the first I was devastated, but the second, I felt free and really enjoyed my time having my own space and dating other girls, but then she came back to me really upset saying she needed me back because she’d made a mistake and somehow we got back together, and I think that’s when the real mistake happened. I was weak, and was sad to see that she was sad, and wanted to end her sadness, but it wasn’t right looking back.
I am not seeking salvation, but it would be interesting to hear what other people’s thoughts are. Of course, there’s a lot more than what I have written above, and I’m sure I have missed important information, but the bones of the situation are there. I don’t know what it means in the long run. If I meet somebody else, then this would create a new dynamic, but at the moment, there is nobody else, I just need to feel free from pretending to be happily married and be able to be myself. I don’t know, it’s messed up, I don’t want any sympathy. I suppose I want to know if you think I’m selfish, if you think I’m doing the right thing.
Thank you for taking the time to read this.
Please feel free to ask any questions and I will do my best to answer them, if you are interested or if it would help you understand the situation better.