Since March 2018, my mother has been back in the UK due to a cancer diagnosis. We hadn't spoken for almost a year (my decision), so my aunt begged me to contact her fearing she was going to die. I eventually reached out via text, but was scared to engage with her because historically, I always get my fingers burnt. For the first time, I was in a good, happy place - my depression/anxiety was much better and I didn't want to jeopardize that. We had a brief chat on my first visit and agreed to try to move forward in a healthy manner.
All year, I've done my best to be supportive whilst she undergoes treatments to extend her life (no chance of curing stage 4 nsclc). I have attended appointments, spent time with her in her home, ran errands/housework, made her food/drinks, bought her CBD oil etc. I had to push past all my own stuff to be present for her.
Here's where it gets interesting...
I eloped to marry the love of my life in Nov, and told her about it on my return. I knew she'd never approve of me marrying someone so quickly (3 months), but I didn't care. At 34, I'm old enough to make my own decisions. I wasn't going to give her the opportunity to talk me out of it - like she has my whole life. She was disappointed, but seemed OK about it. She even enquires how he's doing whenever we speak. She's never been this supportive in my life.
Thinking that our relationship was finally getting somewhere, I asked her if she'd agree to extending a loan I took out last year (she's my guarantor), to help SO and I with our solicitors fees (he's a foreign national so would need a visa to come to the UK as my spouse). Having already paid over half the loan back, I just wanted an extra £1.5k to add to what money we have scraped between us (otherwise it'd be months before we have enough and I miss my man). Without even inquiring how much we'd need or how we intend to pay it back, she just says NO. When I ask her why, she says she doesn't want any involvement in my "drama", she doesn't agree with it and she's not a charity either. When I tell her that it's not her money I'm asking to borrow - all I need is her signature, she flat out refused. I explained calmly how we intend to pay it back (we both work) and that she could consider it a wedding gift - she just got more belligerent, made some nasty comments about my "poor foreign husband" and then hung up the phone and refused to answer.
Feeling aggrieved, I text her and told her I won't be attending her 60th birthday dinner with the whole family this weekend. I never wanted to go in the first place. The only reason I agreed is because she started crying and saying that it could be her last milestone birthday ever.
After that call, I figured why should I put myself out for her? What exactly do I get out of this mother-daughter relationship? I can't talk to her about anything. She says NO to absolutely everything (so I stopped asking her ages go, wish I never bothered on this occasion). I've never had her support financial or otherwise. She allowed my step dad to be abusive growing up. She over-criticizes everything I say/do.
She had an opportunity to do something thoughtful and kind for me (at zero risk/cost to herself), but instead she chose to trample all over my feelings. She accused me of "chucking her aside" when I told her I won't be coming, and reckons she still "loves me, even though the love has felt one-sided." Are you kidding me? I grew up thinking I wasn't welcome in my own home, and you're playing the victim?
To this day - she hasn't congratulated me on my marriage. She hasn't told me she thinks I look pretty in my wedding pics. She even asked me not to mention my wedding to anyone at her birthday dinner, and not to wear my ring! When I asked her why, she said she didn't want it to overshadow her birthday celebrations. WOW.
Consequently, I've told her that I can't do this anymore and that I need to go back to how I was before she came back to the UK (when I was happy being on my own and having no contact with her), because my mental health and overall well-being are suffering. Cancer or not, I don't owe her anything. I don't even know if I love her anymore much less like her... I feel bad for doing this right before her birthday and Christmas whilst she has cancer, but I don't want to know her any more. She makes me feel small and worthless.