Am I wrong for going NC with my terminally ill mother?

[Lupielove]

Since March 2018, my mother has been back in the UK due to a cancer diagnosis. We hadn't spoken for almost a year (my decision), so my aunt begged me to contact her fearing she was going to die. I eventually reached out via text, but was scared to engage with her because historically, I always get my fingers burnt. For the first time, I was in a good, happy place - my depression/anxiety was much better and I didn't want to jeopardize that. We had a brief chat on my first visit and agreed to try to move forward in a healthy manner.

All year, I've done my best to be supportive whilst she undergoes treatments to extend her life (no chance of curing stage 4 nsclc). I have attended appointments, spent time with her in her home, ran errands/housework, made her food/drinks, bought her CBD oil etc. I had to push past all my own stuff to be present for her.

Here's where it gets interesting...

I eloped to marry the love of my life in Nov, and told her about it on my return. I knew she'd never approve of me marrying someone so quickly (3 months), but I didn't care. At 34, I'm old enough to make my own decisions. I wasn't going to give her the opportunity to talk me out of it - like she has my whole life. She was disappointed, but seemed OK about it. She even enquires how he's doing whenever we speak. She's never been this supportive in my life.

Thinking that our relationship was finally getting somewhere, I asked her if she'd agree to extending a loan I took out last year (she's my guarantor), to help SO and I with our solicitors fees (he's a foreign national so would need a visa to come to the UK as my spouse). Having already paid over half the loan back, I just wanted an extra £1.5k to add to what money we have scraped between us (otherwise it'd be months before we have enough and I miss my man). Without even inquiring how much we'd need or how we intend to pay it back, she just says NO. When I ask her why, she says she doesn't want any involvement in my "drama", she doesn't agree with it and she's not a charity either. When I tell her that it's not her money I'm asking to borrow - all I need is her signature, she flat out refused. I explained calmly how we intend to pay it back (we both work) and that she could consider it a wedding gift - she just got more belligerent, made some nasty comments about my "poor foreign husband" and then hung up the phone and refused to answer.

Feeling aggrieved, I text her and told her I won't be attending her 60th birthday dinner with the whole family this weekend. I never wanted to go in the first place. The only reason I agreed is because she started crying and saying that it could be her last milestone birthday ever.

After that call, I figured why should I put myself out for her? What exactly do I get out of this mother-daughter relationship? I can't talk to her about anything. She says NO to absolutely everything (so I stopped asking her ages go, wish I never bothered on this occasion). I've never had her support financial or otherwise. She allowed my step dad to be abusive growing up. She over-criticizes everything I say/do.

She had an opportunity to do something thoughtful and kind for me (at zero risk/cost to herself), but instead she chose to trample all over my feelings. She accused me of "chucking her aside" when I told her I won't be coming, and reckons she still "loves me, even though the love has felt one-sided." Are you kidding me? I grew up thinking I wasn't welcome in my own home, and you're playing the victim?

To this day - she hasn't congratulated me on my marriage. She hasn't told me she thinks I look pretty in my wedding pics. She even asked me not to mention my wedding to anyone at her birthday dinner, and not to wear my ring! When I asked her why, she said she didn't want it to overshadow her birthday celebrations. WOW.

Consequently, I've told her that I can't do this anymore and that I need to go back to how I was before she came back to the UK (when I was happy being on my own and having no contact with her), because my mental health and overall well-being are suffering. Cancer or not, I don't owe her anything. I don't even know if I love her anymore much less like her... I feel bad for doing this right before her birthday and Christmas whilst she has cancer, but I don't want to know her any more. She makes me feel small and worthless.

You've obviously got a lot of problems. You will find that you will have several more if you don't reconcile with your mother before her death. I've seen it happen where people who have a bitter relationship with a parent have a much more difficult time after their death, than a child with a healthy relationship. I suggest you start acting like a grown-up, stop sulking and attend your dear mother's birthday dinner. Life isn't all about you.

Is this someone you met online, chatted to for Three Months then spent money traveling to his Country and Married? If so sorry you miss your Man as you put it but carry on as you are and let him save up himself to get to you. My Sympathies to your Mum, she sounds sensible.

I don't blame your mother for her reaction.

I think your mistake was thinking she would act like a normal mother now.

I sympathise with your past and support people going NC from abusive parents.

But it seems like you were looking as this as a chance for her to finally be a mother to you. It’s like you feel she owes it too you. A part of being a mother is financially supporting their children.

But in your case, very few mothers would want to give financial support in the scenario you described.

She is also dying. So you take an inherently selfish person and give them a time limit on life and it’s not a surprise. Expected really.

You have a long way to go when it comes to acceptance of the mother you had. If you had of accepted it, you would never have tried to get the money from her in the first place. You would have knownher reaction and not gone there.

I wouldn’t go guarantor on a loan for someone who had met some bloke abroad and who had likely married her for a visa.

Love of your life after three months? Yeah right. See how quickly he scarpers when his visa comes through or if he doesn’t get one.

If you’re both adults then behave like adults and find your own money. But you’re a mug. He’s very likely using you and no way on earth would I put my name to that even for my own child.

Yabu.

God, your poor mother.

You sound like a stroppy teenager who stamps her feet when she doesn't get her own way if I'm honest.

As you've said already, you're 34... take some responsibility for your own finances. I'm assuming that as you need a guarantor for a loan you don't have a good credit history, and therefore rubbish with money?

And considering you've married someone after only 3 months you're pretty impulsive and unpredictable?

I think your dying DM has enough to contend with. I also don't think she needs to be dealing with your drama.

I wouldn’t go guarantor on a loan for someone who had met some bloke abroad and who had likely married her for a visa.

No, neither would I. I could do without the responsibility of acting as a guarantor of a near stranger during the last stage of my life.

I can think you both said things that were wrong. Her telling you not to mention your wedding or wear your ring are bad.

You asking her to sign as a wedding gift was inappropriate.

She didn't refer to your husband in.a nice way.

If you wanted to be mature about it...you should just not turn up and don't announce it.

If you were happier with NC then revert to that.

Are you an only child?

If I was your mum, I wouldn't be guarantor for you either.

She doesn't have to do this, it isn't something 'thoughtful and kind' that you are asking her for - it's access to cash.

You are perfectly entitled to ask her for it, and she is perfectly entitled to say no. You are also entitled to cut contact because she didn't give you what you want - but it doesn't reflect well on you at all.

It isn't "zero risk" though is it. If for some unknown reason you were unable to pay, the creditor would be knocking on her door. She is dying and has enough on her plate.

As she is terminal she probably wants her affairs in order (I know I would) so the thought of extending her potential exposure may not be not an attractive option and very much outweighs you "missing your man". With that in mind I think you're unreasonable. Also, the fact you've attended appointments is irrelevant.

I also think you need to keep in mind that she has already helped you by being a guarantor in the first place. She could have said no at the outset but didn't.

How many days have you ever actually spent with “the love of your life”?

You're wrong and you won't forgive yourself for doing this once she's gone

Mirroring someone's negative behaviour never really makes anyone feels better. Often times they feel unhappy because they are doing to others what they so dislike being done to them. Your mother might not be the best and I'm sorry for you if you were unhappy growing up and feel like she's been unsupportive but there is no going back when someone is gone. Being angry and resentful towards someone is like drinking poison and hoping the other person will die. I really urge you to not act in a way that might cause you further hurt when your mother is gone.

Also, I know someone who married a foreigner in a gunshot wedding. It didn't end well. It wasn't long before he legged it, left her in debt and now she can't find him to divorce the parasite.

You taking out loans for solicitors fee's to get a man into the country you barely know, but have married, sounds extremely risky.

I saw it coming with my friend, and I see it coming with you. This has got 'fraudster taking advantage of a vulnerable gullible desperate-to-be-loved woman' written all over it.

My friend also had deep-rooted parent issues.

Your money would be better spent on some good therapy, not someone from abroad who is guaranteed to add to your woes.

This isn’t going to end well.

Going by what youve posted YOU sound like the unreasonable one. I feel sorry for your mother

I had been NC with my father for 5;years when I found out her was dying
I didn’t go to visit him in hospital or go to his funeral and I don’t regret any of it
However, my decision was based on the fact that he was a narc arsehole rathe rthan the fact that he wouldn’t help me finance a move to The UK for my possibly dodgy foreign internet husband.

You should never have pressured her. She said no, and you should have respected that.
Instead you oh so kindly TOLD her she could give you that as a wedding gift.... For the wedding she wasn't invited to. To a man you barely know.
If he is really the love of your life and you will be together forever, you can wait as long as it takes to save 1500 between you anyway.

She doesn’t owe you any money and yes she shouldn’t be involved with the visa drama as that’s not her business and how dare you ask her that when she’s seriously ill?? Do you even love your mother?? You sound like an entitled spoilt brat and if my daughter ever treats me like this I will be cutting her off and removing her from my Will! She’s better off without you

I think this is a wind up post.

If it's not, then make peace with your Mum. My dear F-I-L passed away this week from cancer. It's such a cruel way to die. You should be there for her

Seriously entitled behaviour OP. Any parent would be concerned if their child married someone with Visa problems after three months and you want to add to this by her being guarantor while she's dying?

God your poor mother, like she hasn't got enough on her plate. What a brat you sound.