This is Crap.

[NotGoodieTwoShoes]

I have obviously name changed for this. I'm struggling to understand why this has happened after 8 years.
For the past 8 years I have been involved with a man who is, at 71, nearly 10 years older than me. It is not a primary relationship for either of us but has enhanced our lives in a way I would not have thought possible, and has enabled me to stay in my main relationship which is sexless, as is his. Early on we agreed we would maintain a low level of email and telephone contact and meet up every 3 months
for lunch, an exhibition and an afternoon of sexual activity. We live over 50 mile apart.

We have always been close and loving, and concerned about each other and described it as love with a small "l". He got a bit distant with me over the summer and so I suggested our early autumn meeting be just for lunch as I was concerned he had cooled off a bit. He was quite agitated on this day and told me he had been involved in a relationship he was regretting. He had developed a friendship in a local wine bar with a woman 20 years younger than him who seemed lonely, when his wife was away for the night this woman invited him back to her house and they started a sexual relationship which continued for, on my estimation, a couple of months. He would visit her when she was "working from home" for lunch and sex, and they continued to enjoy evenings out each Friday in the wine bar. She is a single parent of 2 daughters (late teens) and works in education.

She became very demanding and wanted him to text and email her when he was away on a family holiday, was jealous if he talked to other women in the wine bar and kept on wanting to meet up with him even when he said sex could not be on offer. This relationship was being conducted almost on his door step, as they live in a small town/village in a rural area,it eventually dawned on him that his wife (who is on every local committee going) was highly likely to find out, so he stopped the meetings but is still plagued by texts and phone calls.
When he told me I thought only of what a difficult situation he had got himself into and how upset he was.
After a day or two I started to feel that he had given this woman everything that he would not give me, even if it was for a short time. I was upset that she was 10 years younger than me and "very attractive" I remembered that about a year ago he mentioned her to me in the context of a possible 3 some, which astonished and upset me.
We met again this week and he seemed very upset that I would not just forget about it, not overly apologetic. During this meeting he was trying to minimise the relationship he had been quite open about at the previous meeting.
He has been a total shit to her, I think she seriously thought that she was a contender for a proper relationship and that he might leave his wife, now he is upsetting her by reducing contact week by week. He says the "silliness" will be ended by January as he will have cut her off entirely by then.
I've come to care about him a lot, he makes my life more bearable, is funny, charismatic and although he has a number of health problems that mean the sex is not amazing I still enjoy it. He is quite good looking and a minor entertainment celebrity - on the site "nearly famous" as an actor.
My thoughts were that this would all come to an end in the next few years, that we would both be too old for that sort of relationship but now I just feel so upset that after all this time he would do this to me.
I sort of feel I would be cutting my nose off to spite my face if i ended it, I feel I should be trying to re-boot my attractiveness to establish an unassailable no 1 position. I keep thinking of him cycling to her house for a sandwich and a shag and feeling quite sick.

I'm not expecting any sympathy on here but i can't get a counselling appointment I can attend before the new year and I'm just eaten up with it today. That's all.

So your side piece got another side piece and your upset. Lol 😂

Do the research before you comment and judge. It's not for everyone but its okay for me and my relationship partners. I am single BTW.

The research on what? My point was it's bad to mislead someone into thinking they're in an exclusive relationship when the other person is actually fucking around behind their back, is that not correct, don't you think? I wasn't judging you, I was talking about the OPs situation, I don't know if her partner knows or not but clearly the guy she's having the affair withs wife doesn't now he's a cheater

know*

cheeky bastard. Can you.imagine if the tables were turned. Outrageous. Dump him.

He sounds vile OP.

For god sake dump this geriatric dog with ten dicks, end the sexless gig and get yourself on a dating site.

Why exactly are you jockeying for position in this fools life? Ffs please stop letting him cry on your shoulder....His self pity and compulsive lying is revolting.

You need to address the problem here.....Why are you still in this sexless relationship which is neither fulfilling your needs or allowing you to be free to have your needs fulfilled....Stop looking for distractions and look for a way out of that.

Only then you'll be free to find the lover and companion this twat will never be

Good luck

It is true that he has not cheated on me but only on his wife. He doesn't like driving and has a quite serious health condition, he once told me (four years ago) I should find someone else because he was ill so often and had to postpone our meetings, but he seems a lot better now.. I suppose that given his age and health the last thing I was expecting was that a woman nearly 20 years younger than him and very attractive would want to take him on. I've tried very hard to be objective about this today and one of my thoughts was that really this relationship has only another 3 or so years to run probably, and that in an ideal world it might change into just ordinary lunch with a friend after that. We are having a talk tomorrow, though not officially about this (He says he is going to mull over the "uncomfortable home truths" over Christmas. )

I’m the last person to judge anybody so no judgement from here. I’ve made dubious decisions in the past. I know how it is.

This man sounds like an absolute cad. I’m not only surprised that he can’t even stay faithful on his affair, but am shocked it’s taken this long frankly. Cut him off, block and walk away. He’s a bad person and he doesn’t care about anyone but himself.

Think about what you want in life. If that is a different relationship then leave your husband and pursue that with someone who doesn’t keep you a secret.

Good luck.

Thanks for the reality check Closetbeanmuncher, I am being pretty pathetic about this, and given the poor relations I have with my family at present who in other ways don't behave any better than him I'm hoping the counsellor I've contacted will get back to me with an appointment pretty soon. I seem to have almost enjoyed playing social worker/FB to him for a long time and in general terms have a little group of friends who seem t see me as a social support worker more than anything else. I need to address this. Yes, i reckon that if I wanted another lover i could find a better one, younger and more fun. I do have a bit of a rejection complex and i thought I was safe with this chap for all the above reasons.

Gees, why is your bar so low? This wrinkly ol' perv who doesn't even drive? Get real. Just get rid of him. Tindr is bound to offer better hook ups than this. I'm no spring chicken but I can't think of many 70+ I'd shag.

He doesn't sound the most attractive proposition, to be fair. In poor health, no driving licence, not very well off and a serial cheat. Oops, sorry, I mean, relationship anarchist.

Get shot of him.

There is an old saying engage your brain before putting your mouth into gear.

Relationship Anarchy Lessons for Everyone
1.Put yourself first. I used to believe that I needed to put my partner’s needs and wants before my own, that complete selflessness was the goal. I would take care of my partner to the detriment of my own well-being. But, in the past year, I’ve noticed that all of my relationships, romantic and otherwise, have benefited from me prioritizing my needs. When I take space to be alone and practice self-care, I have more energy to devote to my friends and my lovers.
2.Be deliberate about your relationships. Historically, I’ve met people I liked and quickly put them in the friend zone, or rushed into romance. Now, I take more time to get to know people. There are folks I’m attracted to, but who I want to keep around without introducing the complications of sex and romance. And there are folks with whom I’ve gradually developed intimacy and romance. In relationship anarchy, the lines between friendship and romance are blurrier—but ironically, the decisions I’m making about those lines are more thought-out.
3.Treat your friends more like lovers and your lovers more like friends. I tend to be somewhat reserved and hard to read, but with my partners I have always been abundant with affection and actions that demonstrate my care. Relationship anarchy taught me that I had been reserving that care solely for my romantic relationships. So, I started inviting my friends over and cooking them a meal, one of my favorite caretaking activities. I began to praise them more, because I genuinely love them. My friends are integral to my support network and I strive to show them the same love and care as my romantic partners. This, by the way, makes my romantic relationships even stronger—because it makes me stronger.
4.Focus on compatible needs and expectations, not just chemistry. My ex and I had incredible chemistry. She was brilliant and imaginative in ways that complemented my own ideas well. But great chemistry can’t trump having incompatible needs and expectations. At the time, I wanted to spend most of my free time with her and she needed a lot more space. I wanted to be more deliberate about how we scheduled time with each other, and she needed a lot of flexibility. Our chemistry couldn’t overcome our incompatible needs. Now I strive to open lines of communication with my dates and lovers where we can talk freely about what we want and need in order to figure out if those things are compatible or if we can make reasonable compromises.
5.Re-examine the “Relationship Escalator” myth. We’re taught that as time passes and we develop intimacy in our romantic relationships, we must also move towards deeper commitments. However, this compulsion can cause us to enter into relationships that we don’t want or aren’t ready for. I have lovers I only see every few weeks or months though I care about them deeply. I understand now that my relationships will take on the shape and the parameters that work without me trying to unnecessarily impose a societal script on them.
6.Trust others’ intentions. In the past, when I wasn’t getting what I needed, I would start to question my partner’s intentions. I would feel they were deliberately withholding or, worse, trying to hurt me. But often the reality is that when people we care about aren’t meeting our needs, it’s because they simply don’t have the capacity to do so. As I’ve practiced building healthy, sustainable relationships and being open about my own needs, I’ve realized that trust forms in the process of negotiating boundaries, and to assume the worst of the people we care about only amplifies negativity and mistrust. Learning to trust people’s intentions has made me more able to empathize with the people I care about so I can meet them where they’re at.
7.View relationships as experiences, not transactions. I used to believe that if I gave something, I should receive the equivalent in return. For instance, I might think that because I was doing a lot of the traveling or a lot of caretaking in a given week, I could expect the my partner to do more travel or caretaking the following week, or in the near future. But operating that way caused me to miss out on relationships with people where, for good reason, this might not necessarily be the case. People, myself included, aren’t always able to give equivalently, and when we can, we will. Now, instead of expecting a “return” on my relationships, I feel able to appreciate the people in my life for who they are and what they have to offer.

Even if you’re a diehard monogamist, many of these principles can strengthen not only your primary relationship but your community of friends. In a time where the political climate has left our communities fractured, resisting the tendency to isolate ourselves into small units of two is a positive step. Embracing the people who sustain us and whom we sustain in return can help us to form deeper, stronger networks of support and make life easier and more joyful in the process.

I don't think monogamy works for everyone, I have friends in open relationships and who are polyamorous etc and I've had fwb arrangements myself.

BUT these all require honesty as does RA.

The op & the man she's talking about are both acting deceptively and dishonestly. That is NEVER acceptable.

As always with affair threads op you should be aware he could be lying that he's not sleeping with his wife, you know he's slept with at least one other person than you so I'd recommend full sti screening.

You have no rights with this man because you are kit him more than a bit on the side - harsh but true. He has no obligations to you whatsoever he didn't even need to tell you about village woman and I too think it's likely he has other sexual partners.

If you're unhappy in your marriage - regardless of age - you owe your husband the decency of honesty and let him decide whether you stay together or not (is your financial status dependent on him? Is that where the reluctance to leave/tell him comes from?).

So to summarise any holes' a stringless goal for "freethinker" noego....
self absorption level - expert

OP Please don't fall into the trap of feeling inadequate or thinking that youth=beauty because women can be beautiful, stylish and confident at all ages.

I encourage you to talk through this fear of rejection at counselling and work on building your self esteem... In the meantime reduce contact with anyone emotionally leeching off you including the man in question and non reciprocal friendships.

Onwards and upwards lovely....Fabulous golden years await. Xx

Thank you for comments,some stuff to think about, I'll be back tomorrow.

OP, please get yourself checked at the STD clinic, goodness knows where this man has been.

Op..

There's ants limboing under the bar you've set for yourself. Not even the tall ants, the short ants and the children, ants that get looked at and laughed at for being so small.

Janey Mac!
He's not that old porn star off Emmerdale Farm is it? (not envy)

noego terrific post thank you.

OP you had a balance in your life that is now upset. You need time to find a new equilibrium. You're hurting from rejection and a sense of having been duped I guess. I'm sorry this has happened to you.

Thank you for all your considered opinions and views on my problem. Well, problems really as it is his behaviour and my nature that have created this situation.

I have realised that I don't look for relationships that will deliver what I want but hook up with someone I like and then think about what I can do to make them happy. I may sometimes look for someone who has problems I think I can help solve. He told me he had a perfect marriage just no sex, so the arrangement we had seemed to support him in that way, even if it didn't suit me entirely.

He is quite controlling and even with things like texts (very rare indeed) he will wait a while before replying. With his E.D. which doesn't always respond to chemical assistance our encounters have moved towards bondage - which i really don't enjoy, spanking, which is OK for me and him making little porn films to watch later (I do trust him over that) So I have been entirely gearing our time together to suit him, that includes getting dressed up in outfits that i don't really like and wearing shoes that hurt my feet even in the bedroom.

I really don't care if he has had the odd one night stand, I can forgive that but I really don't think there has been another significant other in the last 8 years before this woman. Thinking it through I agree that if she had been less demanding and had accepted the odd visit here and there and a phone call every Friday he would probably have said goodbye to me last month, although he pays for our hotel we do have some very splendid lunches that I pick up the tab for that often cost more.

For 8 years I've been thinking he might want to see me a bit more often, might want the odd pub lunch (I've said i don't mind driving close to where he lives) without sex and that he might give up on his Mr Pervy act in the bedroom in exchange for some good and tender loving, but you are all right it isn't going to happen.

He seems to have no understanding of human emotion at all. This woman told him during general conversation before they were involved that she couldn't make relationships with men work and she would try a woman next time. On the basis i'd had a couple of lesbian relationships as a student 40 years ago he hatched this ridiculous plan that he would persuade her to come along for a threesome where he would watch us perform together - I couldn't even begin to believe he thought this was a good idea, and why would I want to do that anyway?

noego - I'll be copying and keeping your lengthy general relationship advice, it is all far more sensible than I generally am and some of the tips might work with my difficult family too. A lot of straight talking and good advice from all the other posters too, and at a difficult time
the ant limbo comment, Mucky Luvvy and porn star from Emmerdale posts brought a smile to my face. We are talking later and I will updat.

Hi OP. No judgment from me, but I am wondering why you're keen to hang on to him. With every post of yours on this thread, he becomes less desirable - at the beginning, I assumed he was some hot Larry Lamb type older chap, but as the posts go on, he sounds more and more like a loser. I wouldn't bother meeting him again OP. Ring him, bin him. Then, have a good think about your relationship with your husband.

This is a bit old hat now, but have you read 'Women Who Love Too Much? It is about women who pick men they can 'save.

In your last post I realise that this guy is a narcissist.. He fits a lot of the bill, with his lack of empathy, being so charismatic etc. I did a lot of reading about narcissists which really helped me break away from one.

And, if you don't like his 'Mr Pervy act's why do you take part?

I read the pdf summary of the points raised in "people who love too much", I'd heard about the book but never thought it might contain too much of relevance to me as I'm quite a self reliant person in general life.
it was me to a T, my parents really should not have had children, they were distant and only concerned with their business, whilst they said they loved me and my brother and were capable of kindness day to day we were left very much to our own resources.
What do I get out of the relationship? The lunch is usually the best bit, and a cuddle and chat before we go home, so I suppose it is the conversation and flirting. The other bits are 50% OK and 50% the price I pay for the rest. I su[ppose the nature of his character is best shown by how he has treated this other woman, she is now on a regime of only being allowed to talk to him about things not about the relationship and a limited number of texts a week. He does not understand that it might have been better to just express huge gratitude to her for her affection but say it was not to be. He is petrified she will tell his wife. He says he knows I would never do that, which is right but makes me feel as if I'm being taken for granted again.

He sounds a right catch

Wonder how many other women he's got chasing after him.