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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Is it better to know?

237 replies

katherinez · 25/06/2007 10:27

After a very stressful month with dh saying he wants to leave, I am getting more and more suspicious that he may have found someone else. I have asked him outright and he has denied it but his actions and his words just do not fit at the moment.

Our relationship has been struggling for a while but I just put this down to circumstances. It would never have entered my head that either of us would want to leave IYSWIM. I have always felt secure in our relationship and never had any suspicions before.

But the evidence is mounting up. All circumstantial I must stress. The thing is I really just want to sit it out. He is still here and every day he is, is a day we have together and I really love him with all my heart and want the chance to prove that. At the same time I am seriously beginning to feel like I am going mad. Maybe I am paranoid. The thing is even if something had gone on, I could understand why and would still want to work on our marriage, So maybe it is better not to know. I just dont know how long we can carry on like this. Any advise anyone?

OP posts:

Report

paulaplumpbottom · 26/06/2007 09:35

You are doing the right thing. Chin up

katherinez · 26/06/2007 09:39

Thanks ppb.

OP posts:

TimeForMe · 26/06/2007 09:41

He may not want the 'old' you but he might just be jumping through hoops to get to the 'new' you

warthog · 26/06/2007 09:46

great attitude! you're doing the right thing. can you go out with your mates this week, just to have a bit of fun?

TimeForMe · 26/06/2007 09:52

Ive just been pondering my posts and i just want to emphasise that in no way am i suggesting that Katherine makes changes to herself in an effort to 'win' back her DH.
I'm just suggesting she switches the focus from him onto herself, makes herself happy, which can only have a positive outcome on her relationship if it is intended to succeed.

I just wanted to clear that up in case I was coming across as a surrendered wife

hurtwife · 26/06/2007 10:07

Well done you - i am feeling a bit down today and so am about to throw myself into work and try and take some of my own advice.

Good luck - just get through today.

katherinez · 26/06/2007 10:13

Its very ironic. He has always been the one doing things for me and we were in a place where neither of us were happy. Now he feels he has done all he can and is turning all his attention on himself which I can now understand. Our roles have completely reversed in the last month. Maybe if I focus on me aswell we might actually both get to a place where we want to be. And with each other aswell. Bloody hell its complicated. Counselling? Yes. Very much needed and lots of it!

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katherinez · 26/06/2007 10:14

Hope your day gets better hurtwife!

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mylittlestar · 26/06/2007 10:29

Sorry for hijack - but TimeForMe do I 'know' you?!

lilybubble · 26/06/2007 10:35

Just seen this and wanted to add my support for you. Like MLS and others have said, trust your instincts as they are usually right. It does sound as though he is hurting, and realises that you are willing to make a proper effort which is great news. Maybe he hasn't been seeing someone, but is tempted by someone? It sort of seems like he was emotionally distancing himself from you.

All the best.

katherinez · 26/06/2007 10:40

It had crossed my mind that that could be a possiblity. But right now I have nothing to lose from trying and every thing to gain. It is going to take time though. He has been feeling like this for a long time.

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lilybubble · 26/06/2007 10:53

I completely agree katherinez. Some of your posts really struck a chord with me about how we take our relationships for granted - it's all too easy. Sometimes it does take a thing like this to happen for you to realise just how much we want it and will do all in our power to keep it. I hope things work out for you both.

mylittlestar · 26/06/2007 10:58

lilybubble is so right - I think a lot of people reading this would stop and think about how perhaps they, have taken/are taking, their relationship for granted. I think most of us do it.

Hopefully you have realised in time and have every chance of getting through this and being stronger in the long run. I really hope so.

TimeForMe · 26/06/2007 11:20

MLS

katherinez · 26/06/2007 11:22

Thats just what Im hoping. If we can get through this together with the lessons we will both have learned I know we could be stronger and closer than ever. I just know it. I hope he can see that too.

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TimeForMe · 26/06/2007 11:26

He hasn't left the home, he is willing to go for full counselling. Something is keeping him from quitting on the relationship completely. Just give him the space to work it out for himself, if it's going to work, it will

mylittlestar · 26/06/2007 11:38

TFM nothing gets past me! (Been thinking along similar lines myself.)

katherinez, TimeForMe has hit the nail on the head there I think, something is stopping him from leaving so deep down he must still want to work through this. Hopefully over time and with counselling he will realise it for himself. I think you making yourself happy will just re-inforce his decision, as you'll have shown him that you are the woman he married and he could never find anyone better!

TimeForMe · 26/06/2007 11:45

you little minx you (MLS - go for it! Fresh start and all that)

Sorry for hi-jack Katherine - but listen to the 'experts', we have all survived and are slowly but surely coming out the other side

katherinez · 26/06/2007 12:45

I am listening and learning very much!

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TimeForMe · 26/06/2007 12:58

Wahtever happens, whatever the outcome, you will come out of this a stronger and more confident person. You will be absolutely fine. Have faith in yourself

katherinez · 26/06/2007 13:48

I am feeling stronger than I have done since this all began. Your advise has really helped me to stay positive and to focus on the here and now. I am learning lots and either way I will not be making these mistakes again.

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TimeForMe · 26/06/2007 13:57

thats great! I am so pleased to hear you talking this way. You stay strong!

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katherinez · 26/06/2007 17:24

As I said I am off out tonight for a few drinks. Problem is I almost know what will happen. Will go out, will get tipsy, will come home, will declare undying love for dh, will ask him to come to bed, will piss him off, will all end in tears. Must not do the above, must be strong and think of the bigger picture. Right?

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hurtwife · 26/06/2007 17:41

But an insult to not want to come to bed with you - do you really think he will not? Maybe not so much booze though - especially if you know this will turn him off.

But have a good time anyway.

katherinez · 26/06/2007 17:47

Booze is not usually a turn off! Will try to chill.

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