Is it better to know?

[katherinez]

After a very stressful month with dh saying he wants to leave, I am getting more and more suspicious that he may have found someone else. I have asked him outright and he has denied it but his actions and his words just do not fit at the moment.

Our relationship has been struggling for a while but I just put this down to circumstances. It would never have entered my head that either of us would want to leave IYSWIM. I have always felt secure in our relationship and never had any suspicions before.

But the evidence is mounting up. All circumstantial I must stress. The thing is I really just want to sit it out. He is still here and every day he is, is a day we have together and I really love him with all my heart and want the chance to prove that. At the same time I am seriously beginning to feel like I am going mad. Maybe I am paranoid. The thing is even if something had gone on, I could understand why and would still want to work on our marriage, So maybe it is better not to know. I just dont know how long we can carry on like this. Any advise anyone?

[TimeForMe]

Katherine! I do hope you had a good night, stayed sober and went straight to bed alone when you got home!!

Come on - fess up!

[katherinez]

Yes, yes, yes! I did it. Stayed out late. Had a good night. Only had a few but was still quite drunk. I cannot take my alcohol these days. He left the keys in the door but was still up when I came in. Anyway, had a quick chat. Asked him if he had a good night and left him to it.

TBH I am getting a bit fed up with all the dramatics. I have told him I want to try. He knows how I feel and if he doesnt want to give it a go that is his loss. Plenty more fish in the sea and all that. Dont get me wrong, I love him totally and am commited to working at my marriage but I am not going to get ill because of all this.

Think I may still be slighlty drunk, will probably be crying over the computer tomorrow but hey, one day at a time for now.

[mylittlestar]

Good to hear you so positive.

You will have your ups and downs. But just try to remind yourself of your last post whenever you feel low. Stay strong!

[katherinez]

A good night out is definately the best kind of medicine in this situation. Must go out for often.

[TimeForMe]

sooooo proud of you!

[katherinez]

Thankyou. . Going to have a nice day spending time with my dc.

[Dior]

Message withdrawn

[katherinez]

I am ok. Trying really hard to stay positive. I am feeling really angry today. The dc have been really hard work today. I am feeling angry and impatient and Im sure they are picking up on that. Why couldnt he have told me how he was feeling a year ago. Or just been straight with me from the start. Why does he think that it is ok to just come out with it and tell me its over and not want to work at things together. He is here in body but I can tell his heart is not here at the mo. He says he has been feeling like this for a year or more, yet we were talking about having another baby less than 6 months ago and he didnt think to mention it then. I just dont know what to think tbh.

[Dior]

Message withdrawn

[hurtwife]

Hope you are ok today, just read back and you have every right to be angry, he had let you believe everything is ok but now wants out. It sounds to me as if he is trying to justify something to himself.

Dont let your anger build up though make sure you vent it somehow - here if you have to.

Anyway good luck and take care of yourself.

[katherinez]

Hello everyone. Hope your all ok. We have been off line for a while so havent been able to post. Things are still looking very grim. Had a bad night last week where I got rather drunk and told him exactly what I thought. Bad move. He is now using the things I said whilst very pissed as an excuse not to do the counselling. Did say a lot of stuff I shouldnt have, but even so. Anyway, he is working away for a few nights so we both have a bit of thinking time but he has told me he intends to leave when he gets back. I am remaining strong and keep reminding him that if he does leave it is his decision and not mine. He knows I would rather work through this.

I am still very angry with him. I keep thinking back to times over the last year wondering what he was thinking. That said, the way he is acting at the moment would drive anyone mad. He is not the man that I married at the moment. He is openly saying that he is putting himself first right now.

I put a letter in his suitcase. Shouldnt push him, I know. But right now I have nothing to lose and he is not taking things in when I talk to him so maybe a letter will stand a better chance of getting through to him. We will have to wait and see. Im still hoping upon hope that we will get through this. I just think he may need to go before he realizes what he has.

Our regular relate appointment is booked to start in a couple of weeks. Anything could happen between now and then though. Hope your appointment wasnt too bad dior.

[katherinez]

My dd [5]. Has just told me that daddy is moving out when he gets back from his trip in a few days. She has told me she will have 2 beds and 2 sets of toys! I am bloody livid that he thinks he can drop this on her without telling me what has been said. Poor love if she hadnt told me I would not have had any idea that she was any the wiser. I gues that is his mind made up then. I knew he was intending to go but our counselling session is still booked and I told him to tell me if he was not planning to attend so I can cancel it. He really is a complete coward. Im sure he has been stringing me a long for the last month, just to ease his guilt. He obviously had no intention of ever trying to give things a shot.

AAAAGGGGHH! I am bloody mad.

[hurtwife]

Poor you, it does sound as if he has already 'moved on' but dont give up hope yet. My H did exactly the same and i think you are right it was only when he knew he could lose everything that he came to his senses - and it was almost too late by then. I had been strung along for such a long time too.

You sound sensible though so try to keep your cool - dont give him anymore reason to blame you for all of this.

I knew i was willing to give it my all and so i 'bit my tongue' for a while because i was not prepared to give him the satifaction of me kicking him out - it had to be his and his alone to leave (he did for a while too). I carried on as normal as possible and i think it really hit him when he saw i did not curl up and die when he left. I sorted out the children and made sure they were happy and well catered for - we did some days out ect - which he wanted to do but we just did them on his own. Children are so honest and let him know that although i was hurting (and crying a lot) i was still doing everything for them.

He felt huge guilt - and still does. but i do believe it was what he needed to really 'see' what he wanted.

Good luck and stay strong - thinking about you.

[katherinez]

Thanks hurt wife. That is exactly what I am trying to do. I am trying to be strong. I am trying to remind myself that if he does go, and I hope he doesnt. But if he does, it will be his loss. I know I could cope if I had to in most ways. Need to bite my tongue for a while. And must not drink. That always ends in disarster at the mo. Anyway, we shall see. I cant quite believe he could cope on his own but I guess that remains to be seen.

[mylittlestar]

Sorry to hear this. I really do think he has his mind made up at the moment and there really is not much you can do. My H did exactly the same thing to me, and with hindsight he really did string me along until the time was right for him to leave.

Like me, you can only hope that over time he comes to his senses. But having said that, you cannot wait around for that to happen. I tried that and it just wears you down. The only way to get through it is to mentally move on yourself.

I have started to say to myself that no matter what faults I may have, or what issues there may have been in the marriage, do I really want a man who can be so selfish and so unwilling to stick around when things got hard. The 'for better, for worse' vows appear to mean nothing... because during the first bad patch, H just bailed out and left...

I hate to say this, but someone said it to me and it turned out to be true. People very rarely leave a relationship unless they have somewhere to go. That may be mentally. But sadly it may be physically too. I didn't want to listen to that. But he has to be leaving because he thinks there is something better out there to go to - either believing a single life is what will make him happy, or believing there is another woman out there who will make him happy. Don't let him fob you off with pathetic excuses.

You have to start telling yourself, and believing, that you deserve so much more than this. And you do xx

[SilentTerror]

Sorry Katherine,I too think there is probably someone else on the horizon.Just my view but I think men rarely leave unless there is,no matter how hard they deny it.
My first husband had numerous affairs during our short lived marriage twenty years ago,eventually left me (denying any one else involved)and it was the best thing that ever happened to me!It took me some years to see that,I tried to 'change' so thaat he would love me.I was only 22 at the time and after a year or so began to see that there were plenty more fish in the sea and started to have a good time.It wea me who initiated the divorce,having met someone else.Exh wanted to try again!
Have now been happily married to my second husband for 12 years!

[katherinez]

I just dont know what to think with regards to whether there is someone else or not tbh. Anyway it is irrelevant to a certain extent. Either way he has been feeding me a pack of lies and has not been straight with me. I am getting there. I just keep reminding myself that if he leaves he will be the one who loses out in the long run. I will be ok. Our children will be ok, I will see to that. I am begginning to contemplate life on my own with the children, The way he is acting at the moment there are quite a few advantages I have to admit.

I just feel sad for my girls, for what could have been . I always thought we would have more children, move house maybe, I dont know. Everything is uncertain at the moment. I cannot predict what we will be doing a week from now let alone months or years into the future. That said I am learning to appreciate what I do have. Two beautiful healthy children, work, a home, lots of support around me and I am grateful for all of that. My life and happiness does not depend on him, I have to remember that.

[mylittlestar]

katherinez you sound so strong at the moment and your view of it all is excellent. He will be the one who loses out if he goes, and you're right to look at everything you have and remember that your happiness does not depend on him.

It's hard to contemplate that the dreams you had as a couple and a family may not happen. And hard to accept that sometimes things are beyond your control.

But I think you have exactly the right view of it all and you are coping amazingly well

[hurtwife]

You are doing well - you are strong and will cope alone very well i am sure.

I too suspect there could be someone else but he is just too gutless to let you know.

What makes me so angry about what has happened to all of us is the complete lack of respect - that is ok for them to decide but not for us. Having said that though i still think he would rather you 'kicked' him out (again because he is gutless), and is pushing you into doing just that.

What i mean about biting your tongue is not giiving him the satifaction of being able to throw anything back at you.

How about saying in a very polite sweet voice that you 'help' him move out - after all being the 'good' wife you want him to be happy and it is just destroying you see him like this.

I wish there was some way to make it all better and make him see the huge mistake he would be making if he goes. Trouble is it is often just too late. - men can be so stupid at times - we have several friends just like this.

[katherinez]

Thats the thing I find most frustrating hurt wife. He has told me all of this and said in the same breath that it is too late to try to make things better. It is completely out of my control. I know if he gave me the chance we could work throught this. Its just with everything that goes on our relationship has been my lowest priority, but only because I thought we were secure and despite the ups and downs essentially happy. I guess I did take him for granted.

[hurtwife]

Dont blame yourself for any of this - if he has not been man enough to talk to you before so you could put it right then that is all his fault.

It makes me so mad when people say well it would not happen in a happy marriage - just show me a happy marriage then. We all have ups and downs and you are being mature enough to acknowledge that. Of course you took him for granted - he had made a promise to you. If you doubted it all the time then that too would be wrong.

Do not put any of this blame on yourself - just move forward and do what you know to be the right thing - let him have all the guilt about leaving and not to blame your faults for his lack of communication.

Take care

[katherinez]

Just put dc to bed. Feeling very sad. Dd is obviously unsettled at the mo. He gets back tomorrow. I am beginning to worry about the immediate future if he goes. I am ment to be working at the weekend. Dh always looks after the dc all weekend. I guess Im worried as to what I will do if he is not here. I work nights and he has nowhere fixed if he does leave he will be on someones floor. So do I let him stay here at the w/e with the dc. Make him sort out arrangments for himself and the dc, get someone else to sit. Or just not work. I dont know. My head is spinning, Im so confused. Personally I have been thinking that if he walks I would not want him coming back to stay for w/es. Why should he, is my mentality. But with the dc it is not that simple. I know I should put them first, and ofcourse it would be better for them if he stayed over. Please tell me if I am being unreasonable in thinking about this. I just dont know tbh. Plus we jointly own the house. I dont know if that makes a difference, must do I suppose.

[katherinez]

That is a good point hurtwife.

Thankyou, mammalove.

[hurtwife]

I know where you are coming from - your poor head is in such a spin. I completely agree with you about not wanting him to have children until he is 'sorted' - so no you are not being stupid. And of course he should not stay at your house if he has made the choice to leave. He is being unfair to think he can just make up his mind whenever he wants and that you should just fit into it.

Could you not work this weekend just to give you time to get your thoughts straight and if he does go then is there anyone who would look after them for you.

You do not want to get into a fight over the children but they also should not have to change their routine either - at least until he is settled on what he wants to do.

Get some legal advice about staying in the house - i was told that i would not have to move out as this was the faimily home and it was best for the children.

Keep really strong and calm but i know how hard this is when all you head is doing is churning it around all the time.

Maybe the time away will have given him the chance to think but be prepared for the worst. Just remember you are doing what is right for you and have done nothing wrong.