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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

OLD depression

106 replies

Shallowshallow · 10/12/2018 23:03

Hi all, I have been doing OLD for a few months and have come to the conclusion that it's starting to get me down. I live in a small city, so there are not a lot of men in my area OLD. I am looking much further afield but I don't seem to fancy anyone.

I'm mid-40s and happy enough single. I have an active social life but it would be nice to have a bit of romance. Anyway, today I scrolled through maybe 100 men and not one made me think phwoar, not even close. I am getting messages and winks off men but I am just so disappointed at what's on offer. I have lost count of the men that are clearly lying about their age, who look in their photos like: they just woke up; are poking out their tongue (does anyone look attractive doing that?); lying in a bed with a sheet draped over them., can't spell....

Maybe I am just really shallow, which I really don't like to think about myself.

I am just fed up, I suppose. I think I know myself it's time to come off the sites as it is actually making me feel like I will be alone forever.

Today I got a wink off a man who is in his late 60s. I was also viewed by a man who is 73. I think it's tipped me over the edgeGrin I know so many on here are doing , OLD but how do you not let it get you down?

OP posts:
pococops · 11/12/2018 08:15

I did a bit of OLD and met a few people, 2 of whom I really fancied but didn't go anywhere. I've come off online dating now for around a year, not interested, for now anyway. OP is there a hobby you could take up to meet people?
Maybe some are cut out for online dating and some aren't. I'm not

Chocolate123 · 11/12/2018 08:26

OLD is very tough. You are opening yourself up to all sorts. I used to delete regularly as it was so disheartening at times. Give yourself a break away for a while and focus on you. Then in the new year go back and give it another try. I kissed many a frog before I met my prince so it can happen with a lot of patience.

Original poster
Shallowshallow · 11/12/2018 08:27

Thanks for your reply :)

I think you are right, it's just not for me. I've given it long enough. I won't beat myself up about it.

Time to try a different approach. I already feel better just thinking about the decision to come off the dating site. You are right, it probably isn't for everyone and for all those that have success there are plenty that don't.

OP posts:
ShatnersWig · 11/12/2018 08:28

Most people I know who have tried OLD have found it affects them in this way. Most I know haven't gone back to it. May not have found anyone but mentally they feel better.

I'm a man, btw, and while I don't get winks and messages, we see exactly the same things you do - women clearly lying about their age, photos with their tongue stuck out, poor spelling etc

Original poster
Shallowshallow · 11/12/2018 08:31

I don't know if I could go back to it chocolate 123. Some of the people were just so odd and even abusive if I didn't want to meet (ok, that wasn't that common), but it is disheartening knowing that is what's out there. I'm ok single, like really ok. I've been putting pressure on myself when I don't need to.

OP posts:
Original poster
Shallowshallow · 11/12/2018 08:38

Shatnerswig thank you for making me feel more normal. I never thought if it from a man's perspective. The age thing is just so annoying. I could lie about my age, but don't and yet there are men on there taking off almost 15 years by the looks of it.

One man, when I challenged him said that everyone lies about their age. Well, I didn't.

I'm really glad I posted this. I feel far less of a freak. Thank you for your reply, it's cheered me up no end. I'm done with it.

OP posts:
Chocolate123 · 11/12/2018 08:40

@Shallowshallow the reason I went back was because I was in a better place in my head. It totally messed with my head sometimes too. It's great that you are ok being single so definitely delete and enjoy your time without all the crap. Smile

ShatnersWig · 11/12/2018 08:44

No, I never lied about my age either. I don't see the point.

Of course, some of these people may not be lying about their age. Just had very, very hard lives!!!

But seriously, I doubt the so-called fact that most people now find their partners through OLD. I know dozens and dozens of people who have done OLD. I only know one marriage and one long-term relationship that's come of it. Everyone else has met someone away from OLD or still long-term single.

MinnieMul7 · 11/12/2018 08:44

I agree with chocolate it does sound like you need a break and then may feel better going back to it. You may find during your break that you don't actually want to go back to it and that is great. The dating thread on here for great support.

Fcukupagain · 11/12/2018 08:45

Its incredibly depressing for a variety of reasons , i have some horror stories , and battle scars from OLDGrin bring back the good old days of meeting someone in a social situation , alas that dosent seem to be the way anymore , advice delete the apps take a break from it

Original poster
Shallowshallow · 11/12/2018 08:45

Chocolate 123 yes, it has messed with my head. It has made me quite pessimistiic - luke all I am going to meet are men I'm not attracted to or are way older. I don't look my age, or feel it, so when a man in his late 60s is telling me he would like to take me out for a meal I actually cringe.

I should never say never. Maybe from time to time I could take a look, but I definitely need to step away from it now as it has actually brought me down lately.

OP posts:
kittencatmeow · 11/12/2018 08:50

OLD is very hard. A male friend of mine (actually I met him from there but we never dated, just chat and catch up) is religious almost about preaching about what it does to your self esteem and how the same people cycle round and round and never get out as they're addicted to it but get beat down by the rejection constantly

I seem to make friends with men but not lovers out of it! And I mean genuine friendship- they're not trying to date me, they're sending me other girls profiles asking for opinions and analysis of messages or things said on dates etc 🤷‍♀️ I do the same in return...

Original poster
Shallowshallow · 11/12/2018 08:51

Fuckupagain sorry to hear of your battle scars, although your terminology made me laugh Grin But I do feel wounded. Or maybe it's just disheartened, either way it's not making me feel good so it's time to leave it.

OP posts:
Chocolate123 · 11/12/2018 08:51

@Shallowshallow I remember one day getting a message from a man who was late 60's looking for fun. A few minutes later a message from a boy who was 19 looking for fun. One the same age as my dad the other same age as my son. I'm in my 40's I honestly think some don't care what age you are. I was cringing at the thought of either Confused

Ariela · 11/12/2018 08:54

Friend of mine got fed up with OLD, and took a different tack: try something new each week. She has joined evening classes, learnt new skills, brushed up on First Aid, been sailing, played golf, joined a gym and taken classes, been brave and visited the pub alone, learnt to play bridge, volunteered for charities etc. She admits 'something new each week' is a challenge and hasn't always managed it but has enjoyed it far more than OLD, and has made lots of new friends and kept up with a few things she got involved in, and has recently met the most lovely man (a friend of a new friend). Early days but seems promising.

Original poster
Shallowshallow · 11/12/2018 08:57

I had a man recently tell me he wanted fun. He actually hounded me to the point that I blocked him. He was a good 10 years younger and couldn't understand why I didn't want to fool around with him.

I have an ex that I have a sort of fwb deal. He lives a long way away (one hour flight) so we only see each other once a month at best. It works as we are both realistic about what it is and isn't but even if he wasn't on the scene, I'd not be wanting to be with someone I wasn't attracted to. I got the feeling off the younger guy I should be grateful for his attention. Just no.

OP posts:
Musti · 11/12/2018 08:58

I did OLD for about 5 months before I found my boyfriend who is amazing. I was extremely fussy and only saw a few guys and though nice, they weren't for me. Still enjoyed chatting to lots of people. However, in my mind I was just getting to know people and wasn't worrying about fancying them etc. That followed.

Vitalogy · 11/12/2018 08:59

I stuck it out for a couple of months, that's all I could manage. What will be will be is my attitude now.

Vitalogy · 11/12/2018 09:01

*I know a couple of people that have found long term partners through it.

Original poster
Shallowshallow · 11/12/2018 09:03

What will be will be. I love that. It's so freeing and liberating. Thank you!!!

Good for you musti. I have been picky. I just haven't found anyone I really click with. A few I thought were nice were simply too far away, but that's it.

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Vitalogy · 11/12/2018 09:08

Can I just share this from another poster a while back on a dating thread. It did tickle me. I honestly don't care about looks. I like deeeep. Smile But she described the guys looking like "Dobby's elder brother with extra fag ash and grease". I wasn't sure who Dobby was until I looked him up. Smile

Original poster
Shallowshallow · 11/12/2018 09:08

I'm off it. Oh, the rush of relief Grin

OP posts:
kittencatmeow · 11/12/2018 09:09

My favourite rediculous OLD exchange

Swapped numbers... 2nd date with someone else went well enough to cancel other dates for a while and see what happened

Explained and apologised and no actual date had actually been set up yet anyway... got told "you didn't just randomly give me your number you know, you women are users etc"

Blocked

A year and a half later he messaged me online with the initial "hey how are you?" Jargon and obviously I ignored because he was a little too cross last time I decided not to date him

And he messaged again telling me that me being back on the site was my karma for not dating him!!!!

I couldn't resist messaging back then and pointing out he was on the site too all this time later 😂

Original poster
Shallowshallow · 11/12/2018 09:14

Extra fat ash and grease. Grin I'm astounded at some of the photos. No effort at all. Almost as if we should be falling over ourselves just because they are available men. And yes, I understand women can be the same.

It just isn't for me and I've realised that is ok. Smile Thank you all for your input, it's really helped.

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Original poster
Shallowshallow · 11/12/2018 09:18

Hahaha kitten. Well done.

I had one guy say women are all messing him around. I got to the bottom of it. He thought it ridiculous that women wouldn't commit to sex on a first date if the chemistry was there. After all, he was horny 24/7Confused. I pointed out even if there is chemistry, not all people want to just sleep with someone on the first date. He called me a plum Grin when I explained where he was going wrong and why he'd not had a single date.

His age : 48. The bad spelling didn't help either.

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