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Original poster

OLD depression

106 replies

Shallowshallow · 10/12/2018 23:03

Hi all, I have been doing OLD for a few months and have come to the conclusion that it's starting to get me down. I live in a small city, so there are not a lot of men in my area OLD. I am looking much further afield but I don't seem to fancy anyone.

I'm mid-40s and happy enough single. I have an active social life but it would be nice to have a bit of romance. Anyway, today I scrolled through maybe 100 men and not one made me think phwoar, not even close. I am getting messages and winks off men but I am just so disappointed at what's on offer. I have lost count of the men that are clearly lying about their age, who look in their photos like: they just woke up; are poking out their tongue (does anyone look attractive doing that?); lying in a bed with a sheet draped over them., can't spell....

Maybe I am just really shallow, which I really don't like to think about myself.

I am just fed up, I suppose. I think I know myself it's time to come off the sites as it is actually making me feel like I will be alone forever.

Today I got a wink off a man who is in his late 60s. I was also viewed by a man who is 73. I think it's tipped me over the edgeGrin I know so many on here are doing , OLD but how do you not let it get you down?

OP posts:
startingafresh1 · 12/12/2018 08:27

Some awful experiences of OLD here. Good for you for taking the bull by the horns OP and getting rid of it.

I do feel that a good way to meet people is to get out and get stuck into things you find interesting or worthwhile. I appreciate though that this is tough if you are very busy, have DC who need you at home, or who find new experiences nerve wracking.

I wonder if OLD setups which require a decent subscription payment, or where applicants have been met and screened might offer more success? I know such a thing used to exist, but I'm not sure if it does any longer?

Original poster
Shallowshallow · 12/12/2018 09:37

Sunshineandflipflops you make me laugh Grin

I'm sitting here, shaking, rocking.... I'm in withdrawal, clearly Grin

Actually, I'm off work today so planning to do some Christmas shopping this morning and dinner with my friend this evening.

There's a real freedom in not giving an actual shit anymore about dating. Let them find me in their own good time. I'm in no hurry. It's great being in this place of knowing my life is good (through all my own doing) and I don't actually need to have a partner. All in good time Smile

OP posts:
crappyday2018 · 12/12/2018 10:07

I've hidden my POF account and deleted the app. Already i can feel the relief. I'm not constantly checking and then being disappointed in a horrible vicious circle.

Notcoolmum · 12/12/2018 10:18

I do think the swiping becomes horribly addictive. That is something I need to work on.

Otherwise I think the key is to apply the same standards as you would in real life. I find the dating thread and the ‘rules’ on there helpful.

I would only join tinder or bumble as this stops random contact from people. They can only contact you if you have swiped on them. And I’m very savvy with my swiping.

There’s no point having lots of matches and conversations with people I know aren’t for me.

But if it feels better not to be doing it any more then all power to you. 💪🏼

juneau · 12/12/2018 10:25

I never did OLD, but I have several friends who are mid-40s and divorced and doing it and it sounds utterly grim. How anyone works out who might be right for them from a dodgy photo or two (possibly not even them, or years old), and a bit of blurb about their interests I'll never know. So many married men and people lying about their age it would make me seriously cynical and fed up. Besides, chemistry and spark are so important and how are you going to tell if you've got that from a photo and a paragraph about someone's hobbies?

In all honesty, I would try some new things in the new year - force yourself out of your comfort zone - join a local theatre group, a running club, bell ringing, a choir, a wild swimming club, or whatever you fancy, but I'd really try and meet some new people in the flesh. It's really hard to expand your social life in mid-life if you don't do something drastic, but OLD sounds like depressing waste of time to me.

Original poster
Shallowshallow · 12/12/2018 10:36

I never expected to feel a spark off a photo and blurb, you have to meet to see if that's there.

I think it's the amount of headspace it can take up that can be the problem and the inevitable let down when you meet and it's back to square one.

You need a thick skin but you also need to make sure you don't prioritise it too much. That's why I got down. I also got sick of the same faces looking back at me. That in itself was depressing- a sense of "this is all that's out there", which is of course not true at all.

OP posts:
crappyday2018 · 12/12/2018 11:05

@juneau the problem is that some of us have children and, being a single parent, I get very little spare time. I can't join clubs etc as I only have every other weekend free. OLD is a more convenient way for those that can't get out and about as much as they would like.
That said, it is bloody grim and I'm giving it up for now!

juneau · 12/12/2018 14:12

I get what you're saying crappyday2018, but surely you have to go out and meet these men in the evenings, so you need to organise a babysitter quite regularly anyway? I'd rather spend an evening doing something I enjoyed and get to know people in a more natural way - that way we'd have a chance of having things in common, would know we both lived locally and we'd get a chance to suss each other out. The chance of that happening via OLD has got to be vanishingly small (although I'm always amazed at how many people do meet that way - I'm guessing they had to go on a lot of dud dates first).

crappyday2018 · 12/12/2018 14:27

Well not really, I would see them on my free weekends to begin with anyway. I wouldn't feel the need to see them any more than that at the beginning.
I mean I totally agree I would much rather meet in real life - its just harder for some. I've given up on OLD anyway for now.
I actually often think it takes knowing someone, who knows someone is often a good way. I just don't know anyone, who knows anyone right now Grin

Sunshineandflipflops · 12/12/2018 14:28

I’m already a member of a running club but it’s a ladies one 😂

pipstartpip · 12/12/2018 15:48

Choose Life, as they say! Its so much better than faffing around wasting time on the internet looking for a decent, interesting guy ...

Like you, OP, I also found it depressing. I've done it off and on for the last 10 years. I met one person with a personality disorder (fully blown Narcissist), I kid you not, never met anyone like that my whole life. And one arsehole I went out with for a few months. The rest were as awful as you said:

astounded at some of the photos. No effort at all. Almost as if we should be falling over ourselves just because they are available men

The only people I went on dates with sounded interesting. But in reality their photos 10-20 years out of date. And boring. And a bit nasty (when I didn't want to meet one of them again - he was unrecognisable from photo and clearly a nutter!).

So, yeah, I gave it up for good. And it felt good. I've looked off and on for a long time. It was depressing seeing all these awful men my age. Seeing the same old faces with the same old profiles, year after year. The ones who fancy themselves so much. The clearly deluded.

So, yeah, it was depressing. It was bad for my self esteem. And when I stopped, joy big relief all round.

pipstartpip · 12/12/2018 15:51

A poster said earlier, something about a connection and that being difficult to arrange online.

Also, I find my own company quite scintillating, compared to alot of boring men out there. I'm not being facetious, I really mean it Smile.

Sunshineandflipflops · 12/12/2018 16:39

@pipstartpip I’m with you. My company is pretty damn good and I’d rather spend the evening with myself than a boring man for the sake of being on a date!

Original poster
Shallowshallow · 12/12/2018 16:51

pipstarpip Thank you for sharing your experience.

I think for those that met a decent guy online (again, decent is subjective) there are far more feeling as many of us do here.

I'm so pleased I have ditched it and chose life. I feel the positive impact already.

I hope others are feeling similar. I found being online my expectations cwere slowly lowering because what was on offer was below par anyway. So many couldn't type a message, they would wink over and over. noone else find that ridiculous.

I had one guy send me a really cool message, but he lived 250km away and when pressed admitted he was lying about his age. God knows how old his pic was. I really should have quit it then, it never got any better Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
Shallowshallow · 12/12/2018 16:52

Anyone else find that ridiculous? that should have said. Typing on phone, sorry.

OP posts:
Musti · 12/12/2018 17:06

It depends on your mindset. I did OLD with the idea that at this age there was a very good reason why a lot of people were single but there would also be decent people on there. The few I chose to message I really enjoyed getting to know them. I only met up with 4 and 2 were really nice but I knew I didn't want to end up with them so didn't want to mess them around as they were keen. One was ok and the 4th is amazing and my boyfriend.

I've also made some good friends though I haven't met up with them yet. Had some dodgy ones, some dick pics and loads of boring ones and ok ones but I just ignored or didn't contunue messaging them. Also had some fun evenings just bantering with a few.

Bottom line is that I didn't take it seriously as we didn't know each other just what we chose to tell each other. I wasn't bothered if they replied etc because I hadn't met them.

It's all very well saying about meeting people in real life but I'm a busy mum who works mostly from home. Most males I know are attached to my friends. I don't want to start talking to men when out and don't know if they're single etc. So online dating for many and with a healthy mindset is great.

crappyday2018 · 12/12/2018 17:44

I could just about cope with the total idiots messaging me because its easy just to ignore them (or block if needed). It was the ones who I actually thought could be a potential who would message and then disappear that drove me insane and made me give up. I got sick of being disappointed when I thought I had finally found a guy who looked reasonably normal (and that didn't happen often).
I went into it with eyes wide open, knowing the rules and having a thick skin. It still doesn't stop the disappointment when I nice guy messages, wants to meet then just disappears. Its deflating.

pipstartpip · 12/12/2018 22:56

The thing is -

if you just want a bloke who's gonna keep you company (say, like a canary), have sex with you sometimes, or go shopping with you at ASDA or M&S at the weekend - you'll find someone on OLD, NO problem!

If you are looking for someone who can intellectually challenge you, politically interest you, artistically share or have fun with you - for example - its much less likely to happen.

Its not politically correct to say this, but most of the men I met (on OLD, as in real life it must be said but not as bad) were less interesting-than-me-talking-to-my-cat.

I just don't like the way OLD is offered as a solution for everyone, when it isn't. Some women just like someone they can share the rent with, pay the mortgage with, watch Strictly Dancing with, bring up the kids with, go down the pub with, have sex with, have general companionship with, spend holidays with, dress up for, and so on. But this does not work for everyone, and is of no interest to many (men and women).

Musti · 13/12/2018 08:21

@pipstartpip that's true for real life too. Most guys you meet in real life you are not attracted to etc. Online is no different. You can also easily tell with just a few messages if they're intelligent and so on.

Original poster
Shallowshallow · 13/12/2018 10:35

Well, I went out last night to a pub. It's been ages since I did that as I don't drink and my ex wasn't a big drinker and a homebody so would drink at home if he wanted to.

It was actually a surreal experience. I was given the eye a good few times, one guy in particular that kept looking over at me Grin. When my friend and I were leaving he had a little chat. Big, bouncer type, pleasant enough, if a bit tipsy. I wasn't interested in him in 'that' way, but it was nice.

My friend didn't drink either as she drove, but we enjoyed the music and had a good laugh. She said she is happy to do it more frequently and text this morning she had a great time.

So, I'm officially back in the real world and feeling so much better about my single status. The pub was busy too, not surprising given the time of year. I'll be making the most of it.

Hope you are all doing OK.

OP posts:
OutPinked · 13/12/2018 13:15

If I’m being honest, nobody makes me think ‘phwoar’ and never has done. I’ve dated a few different men who all looked completely different, none two alike. None of them were particularly amazing looking but they were either interesting (sometimes for the wrong reasons) or fantastic in other ways. It isn’t always about being drop dead gorgeous, sometimes you have to give someone a little less conventional a chance and see what happens.

Vitalogy · 13/12/2018 14:27

Glad you had a good night OP. That sounds more like it!

Mushroomsarehorrible · 13/12/2018 14:39

Hang in there. I met my incredible DH on Tinder in Oct of last year, we got married in July. I OLD for five years before I met him! You just have to keep going at it, taking regular breaks from the craziness. You have deleted now, but you will be drawn back in. Try and keep an open mind. Good luck!

Amazonfromkent · 13/12/2018 15:20

@Mushroomsarehorrible, did you contact him or did he you Smile

crappyday2018 · 13/12/2018 16:59

Well done for getting out there OP. Can I ask how old you are? sorry if you've already said.
When I do go out socially, I have to admit I'm a bit oblivious to men around me so I really must make more effort to pay attention.
I don't know about anyone else but I don't feel like men approach women and chat them up anymore!