OLD depression

[Shallowshallow]

Hi all, I have been doing OLD for a few months and have come to the conclusion that it's starting to get me down. I live in a small city, so there are not a lot of men in my area OLD. I am looking much further afield but I don't seem to fancy anyone.

I'm mid-40s and happy enough single. I have an active social life but it would be nice to have a bit of romance. Anyway, today I scrolled through maybe 100 men and not one made me think phwoar, not even close. I am getting messages and winks off men but I am just so disappointed at what's on offer. I have lost count of the men that are clearly lying about their age, who look in their photos like: they just woke up; are poking out their tongue (does anyone look attractive doing that?); lying in a bed with a sheet draped over them., can't spell....

Maybe I am just really shallow, which I really don't like to think about myself.

I am just fed up, I suppose. I think I know myself it's time to come off the sites as it is actually making me feel like I will be alone forever.

Today I got a wink off a man who is in his late 60s. I was also viewed by a man who is 73. I think it's tipped me over the edge I know so many on here are doing , OLD but how do you not let it get you down?

@crappyday2018 Can you? How do I do that? I only joined up last night (and might un-join again by the end of the day!)

I'm 30 and removed myself from OLD a few months back and it has been the biggest relief to me ever. Same men, same boring chat. Same dates that go no where. I met one amazing guy on Tinder - or so I thought he was, until he led me on for 6 months and was totally emotionally unavailable - but it makes me wonder, did I meet someone amazing or was he just lying and pretending to like everything like I did?

The main thing for me is how draining and also addictive it can be. Once you start swiping and find no one you like, you end up feeling in a rush to find at least one potential. There are times I call the 'drought' when you are talking to no one as everyone is awful. Then you could end up talking to 5-10 people at once and it's all too much and then by the following week they may have all fizzled out.

I had to come off recently because the 'amazing' ex I dated was back on there and it gave me such anxiety to see him. I'll try again at some point in the New Year. It's so important to take some time out from it though, for your MH. It's absolutely exhausting and draining.

@crappyday2018 Found it and done it! Thanks :)

Not sure how these things work, but over 5'11" means you are looking for someone 6ft or ober which immediately removes something like 75% of men.

Absolutely false, average height in America for a male is 5'10 and most men do add an a few extra inches (as I found out from doing OLD many years ago). I'm not ruling out 75% of men at all. If only it was that simple. I am contacted by men under that height and wouldn't rule someone out if they were under it, it's just a preference not a prerequisite.

user1471423719 please don't allow men that have never even met you erode your self esteem.

The depression I feel comes from feeling I will never meet anyone suitable/good enough, not because I am somehow lacking.

I have tonnes of friends, testament to the fact I am a good person. I am in shape and own my own home and work hard. Maybe if I didn't have these things I'd be more inclined to date a man 10-15 years older that is out of shape and lists his hobbies as going to the pub and internet

Bottom line is we could all probably settle and have a partner. I don't know about you, but I'm inundated with winks etc from men that I am sure would love to have a partner and get off OLD. We are choosing not to date these men.

There is no way there is only 20 single men with my very basic preferences within 60 miles of me. There are clearly many single men NOT online happily living their lives waiting for a woman to have a relationship with.

I don't drink, although I don't mind partners drinking at all, so I rarely go with friends to bars. However, there are some really lovely ones near me. I'm going to make more effort to go out with friends to them. It was a habit I got out of when I was with my ex.

Please don't let OLD erode your confidence. It's a sad fact that the majority on there are not going to suit. That doesn't mean you, me, any of us are not wonderful people worthy of a good relationship. Big hug to you.

Shallowshallow thank you - it's definitely not an easy landscape.

I totally agree with you on the fact that we're choosing not to date these men - it's the feeling that there's nothing suitable out there that's hard to swallow sometimes and I do wish in a way I was less 'fussy' (I know it's not really being fussy though).

I'm keeping my fingers crossed for the suitable ones being out there somewhere in real life!

@crappyday2018, thats exactly what happened with my ex. I met him on Tinder and we broke up after a few months. Then I saw him on POF, he called himself 'a good catch' , lied about the most basic facts of his life and totally misrepresented himself. Go figure.

I've given up on it all. I have come to the conclusion that the sort of man I'd be interested in wouldn't want to use a OLD site. I'm hoping for the 'when you least expect it' situation that people keep telling me about

@Amazonfromkent, I had a right laugh at my ex's profile. These are some of things he put:
'Overly honest' - total liar
'Drinks a tad' - alcoholic
'Doesn't like dates' - has no money cos he's unemployed
'On his free days....' - every day cos he's unemployed

Dogzdinner I agree with you. I don't think the guy I'm looking for is going to be on there either. Every day I looked on there I became more confident of that.

@crappyday2018, Hahaha! Why????? What is the thinking process behind it? Lying about basic facts? How would they explain it on their date? Example: Eye colour: blue (no, hazel). Car: yes (NO), drinks: socially (like a fish), smokes: socially (60 a day). Forgot to mention his weed habit and a gambling addiction.

The main thing for me is how draining and also addictive it can be. Once you start swiping and find no one you like, you end up feeling in a rush to find at least one potential. There are times I call the 'drought' when you are talking to no one as everyone is awful. Then you could end up talking to 5-10 people at once and it's all too much and then by the following week they may have all fizzled out

totally this

Well I suppose I can answer my own question... I didn't know all of those things about him till well into the relationship, I was reeled in, best behaviour etc etc and then it started to emerge, fact by fact but it was too late and I'd already fallen for the man. Darn!

I think the point of lying is to get the date. Once they meet you, you will be swept away and won't care that they are nothing like the photo or description.

At least that's the plan

@Amazonfromkent my friend pointed out that he's not technically lying - just bending the truth. He was very sly and manipulative with me in hindsight. He would 'drip feed' the truth over time. I only found out he was an alcoholic when I found a hidden wine bottle then a doctor's note signing him off work with 'alcohol problems'.
This is what he will do to his next victim. He will make excuses for things whilst love bombing them. Then gradually drop bits of truth while saying things like "I'm not good enough for you, I'd understand if you run a mile". Thank god I eventually did.

There are some good men out there, they’re just few and far between!

I met my husband online. Definitely had my share of weirdos message me though.

@crappyday2018, yes, exactly what happened. Totally swept off my feet, charmed, wined and dined, intelligent good looking bloke I thought. Bit by bit the true person starting coming through. In the end 'it's not you, it's me, I have issues, blah blah, need to sort my head out, etc etc', 'can't give you what you want', I think we all have heard these words before :(

@Amazonfromkent well all we can do is try to learn from these things and hope to god we can see through some of it if (god forbid) it ever happens again. I know now to be VERY wary of any bloke who is full-on love bombing for a start.
Onwards and upwards I say!

Right, I’ve deleted my accounts from Tinder and POF. My match account ends soon and I find it boring anyway so not fussed about doing that one until I’m booted off!

Good for you Sunshine. I'm meeting a friend for dinner tomorrow, belated birthday (her). Was in town and saw a gorgeous litte dress in Vero Moda and snapped it up. We are going for drinks before and after dinner tomorrow. Time to get out there and enjoy my singledom

You're not alone OP. I recently joined okcupid and its dire! I'm about to give up OLD, I don't think its for me. It feels weird and desperate in a way to me but I have not much of a social life. I think I will let things be and wait for the day I meet the one IRL.

@Shallowshallow I bet you look fab in it! Have a great night. It would have been mine and my ex husband’s 14th wedding anniversary next Tuesday so I am going out for dinner with my friend and appreciating what I have, not mourning what was (that’s the plan anyway)!

lannister if it's not making you feel good, get off it. It appears plenty of us feel the same. I'm not washing time on sites anymore. I just can't be bothered when life is going on beyond my laptop/phone screen.

Sunshine treat yourself to a nice outfit or piece of jewellery. A new chapter begins Onwards and upwards!!

Sooooo...anyone else not know what to do with themselves now they’re not swiping constantly? 😂