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Original poster

Found DH’s hidden misogynist life on his phone.

114 replies

Girlzroolz · 09/12/2018 12:49

Gulp.

We’ve been in couples therapy most of this year. It’s costing a fortune, and although I’m sure we have the right therapist, we are definitely stuck. I’ve become more suspicious across the months that my DH has been falling down some ‘men’s rights’ rabbit holes on the internet. I think he’s hiding from me, the therapist, and even partly from himself.

He likes to think he’s a modern, nice guy, involved parent, contributing partner, religious etc. He’s very invested in other people thinking of him this way too. He’s softly-spoken, cheery and a bit gullible/naive.

So I went looking. Boy o boy. Not only is he subscribed to every men’s rights feed he can find, he’s an enthusiastic contributor to chat and in email contact with some of the famous ones. He seems to have attended those talks and forums (at least the ones who don’t get banned entry to our country). One email I found had him congratulating one of these guys on a ‘Feminism is a Cancer’ essay. He mentioned a known feminist writer and called her ‘unfuckable’.

I am a proud Feminist. I’m raising our young DD to be one too.

I’m devastated. Shocked, appalled and nauseous. I’m having all the crazy childish thoughts you have when you’re in shock. I want to send one of these choice emails to everyone we know. I want to take my daughter and run. This is such a deal-breaker for me.

Help me figure out a more rational strategy? I don’t give a fig about invading his privacy by snooping on his phone. I just need some constructive next steps. How do I bring it up?

OP posts:
ElspethFlashman · 09/12/2018 12:51

Well it depends on what you actually want to do.

Do you want to stay in the marriage?

haverhill · 09/12/2018 12:53

Christ, that’s awful.
Sad
Game over for me, I’m afraid. Ducks in a row and all that.
Sorry OP.

PurpleWithRed · 09/12/2018 12:53

Don’t. It sounds as though the marriage was on its last legs anyway and now you know why. Do you want to stay married to him? Assuming not, then gather financial information, have a think about how you are going to live separately, and then tell him when you tell him you want a divorce.

If you want to stay married have some solo counselling and ask the counsellor for advice, if you trust him/her.

madmum5811 · 09/12/2018 12:54

Has your proud feminism set this off do you think?

AnotherEmma · 09/12/2018 12:55

Well you have to end it obviously.
I suggest you get your ducks in a row and then have one more couples counselling session in which you explain that you are ending it and why.

Grannyannex · 09/12/2018 12:55

What sort of thing is he posting? How serious? How personal? What sort of language?

I would sit him down and say you’re concerned that mortally he isn’t what he alludes to. Then raise the comments he’s posted, getting him to discuss his options so you can get a full understanding and work out how you feel

CupsAndPentacles · 09/12/2018 12:56

Omg that is worse than infidelity imo as he is duping you.

Or setting out to.

How is the equality in yr relationship?
Are u supported to work?

TheStoic · 09/12/2018 12:57

Has your proud feminism set this off do you think?

Unlikely.

Why is he keeping it ‘secret’, I wonder? Because he knows it’s wrong?

Ask him if he’d like his daughter to date someone from the websites he frequents.

Hidingtonothing · 09/12/2018 12:58

I couldn't stay with someone with those views. What do you want to do OP?

CupsAndPentacles · 09/12/2018 12:58

I wouldnt raise the posts for now.
He is entitled to post on the internet. He will become defensive.

Are there any clues in real life that some of his actions and words are incongruous?

CupsAndPentacles · 09/12/2018 13:00

Good questiin about who he would want his dd to date. A man like him?

Pogmella · 09/12/2018 13:02

madmum you don't set people off into spreading hatred. These people wish to deny half the population equal social, economic and political rights. That's not on OP.

EmeraldVillage · 09/12/2018 13:05

I think what you want to achieve here is key. Because holding back May for a bit be the best option if you’ve decided game over.

minkies11 · 09/12/2018 13:06

Crikey! And how long til his online self starts to come out? Sounds like you have done what you can re therapy and its time to call it. Even if his hidden views are a fucked-up response to therapy or your personal views it's just not a healthy response. Think you'll be brave and smart enough to live your life without him. And you will be exactly the role model your DD could ever need!

Elfinablender · 09/12/2018 13:06

Has your proud feminism set this off do you think?

God, that made me laugh. That's some quick draw gaslighting shit you've got going on there.

Op, I'd just get my ducks in a row and leave at this point.

Racecardriver · 09/12/2018 13:06

What exactly is it that he’s been coming out with? Is it actually a dislike for women or a dislike for feminism? If the former you really need to have it out with him. A misogynist cannot make a good father to a girl.

AnotherEmma · 09/12/2018 13:11

"Is it actually a dislike for women or a dislike for feminism?"

There's no difference between the two. Feminism is about supporting women and their rights, so if you dislike feminism, you dislike women.

madmum5811 · 09/12/2018 13:13

I am just trying to say that some folk men and women will say black is white under certain circumstances. This may be his passive aggressive way of saying up yours.

madmum5811 · 09/12/2018 13:14

I do wonder if the boot was on the other foot, if he was checking his partners internet history, how this thread would go. I have seen others on here say that really is a no no, ditto with checking partners phones.

Original poster
Girlzroolz · 09/12/2018 13:14

Thanks for the responses so far. Don’t mean to post and ghost, but it’s late at night here and my DD has woken with a health issue.

Frankly, I could use the distraction.

Will answer any questions next chance I get, and mull over the comments so far. Shock is wearing off, but utter sadness is taking over.

OP posts:
Wordthe · 09/12/2018 13:16

I would mull it over wait until my anger has died down and continue gathering evidence before I decided what to do.

Right now you are angry and shocked your focus has narrowed to the here and now and it's harder to look at the long-term consequences of any decisions you make.
I hope this doesn't sound patronising, but you will be in a much stronger position when you have calmed down and processed everything and then you can confront him and keep the upper hand because he will be shocked and surprised.

RollerJed · 09/12/2018 13:19

Deal breaker for me to. I'd confront as pp said once I'd processed it all.

MrsTerryPratcett · 09/12/2018 13:22

I do wonder if the boot was on the other foot, if he was checking his partners internet history, how this thread would go. I have seen others on here say that really is a no no, ditto with checking partners phones.

OK let's make it equal. The DH checked the female OP's phone. For equality the DH has to have a protected characteristic, let's imagine he's a union organizer, has a disability or he's a PoC. And she's been encouraging Trump-supporters, people posting nasty jokes and content about people with disabilities, or some online racist content. And he's found out she's secretly a fascist or racist.

You think the issue would be that he checked, rather than that she's a lying racist arsehole? Because I don't.

JennyHolzersGhost · 09/12/2018 13:23

🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆 (that’s a row of ducks, for anyone who can’t see the emojis)

So sorry OP. This ideology is insidious and toxic. I really hope it’s not influencing how he parents your daughter too.

mogratpineapple · 09/12/2018 13:24

Despite the differing views, the real issue is that he has not been open. You are involved with someone you don't know. That's scary.

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