Found DH’s hidden misogynist life on his phone.

[Girlzroolz]

Gulp.

We’ve been in couples therapy most of this year. It’s costing a fortune, and although I’m sure we have the right therapist, we are definitely stuck. I’ve become more suspicious across the months that my DH has been falling down some ‘men’s rights’ rabbit holes on the internet. I think he’s hiding from me, the therapist, and even partly from himself.

He likes to think he’s a modern, nice guy, involved parent, contributing partner, religious etc. He’s very invested in other people thinking of him this way too. He’s softly-spoken, cheery and a bit gullible/naive.

So I went looking. Boy o boy. Not only is he subscribed to every men’s rights feed he can find, he’s an enthusiastic contributor to chat and in email contact with some of the famous ones. He seems to have attended those talks and forums (at least the ones who don’t get banned entry to our country). One email I found had him congratulating one of these guys on a ‘Feminism is a Cancer’ essay. He mentioned a known feminist writer and called her ‘unfuckable’.

I am a proud Feminist. I’m raising our young DD to be one too.

I’m devastated. Shocked, appalled and nauseous. I’m having all the crazy childish thoughts you have when you’re in shock. I want to send one of these choice emails to everyone we know. I want to take my daughter and run. This is such a deal-breaker for me.

Help me figure out a more rational strategy? I don’t give a fig about invading his privacy by snooping on his phone. I just need some constructive next steps. How do I bring it up?

Because I hear women on here giving great advice re: dumping the rat, would I be right in thinking the same thing goes on in these mens threads?

Still a lot of assumptions being made here.

There are a lot of mens-rights sites who do really good work and raise important issues. There are also some (in my opinion) proper woman-hating weirdo sites. No different to any other political or social movement.

Without knowing what exactly he's been looking at and what he's said - how can anyone judge what the OPs partner is thinking?

2boysDad Can you give any examples of good "men's rights" sites which do good work and raise important issues without being misogynistic? I think they are pretty thin on the ground.

We can make a judgement about what the guy is thinking by what he's saying and where he is posting.

Happy to help.

I would describe the below as sane, sensible and balanced. You of course may disagree. If the OPs partner is on any of these then I don't see any issue.

www.menandboyscoalition.org.uk/
fnf.org.uk/
www.separateddads.co.uk/
www.inside-man.co.uk/ (Although this is mostly defunct, the author "Martin Daubney" is still very active, mostly via Twitter)

As a general rule, the UK organisations are more moderate - or at least more liberal. The US organisations often have a more religious/conservative background which I suppose reflects some of the cultural differences between the UK and the US.

If you want to see the more nutty varieties try googling "a voice for men". It's US based. They occasionally make some good points but I don't like the general tone and there are some very unpleasant attitudes on display. Again, this is my opinion, you may disagree.

There are a lot of mens-rights sites who do really good work and raise important issues. There are also some (in my opinion) proper woman-hating weirdo sites. No different to any other political or social movement.

Do share. I'm dying to know what 'important issues' to do with men's rights aren't fully capable of being raised within male-dominated culture.

"Procne" - Check my 12:44 post

Yes, x-post. I just glanced at the Men and Boy's Coalition one, which from a quick glance isn't a 'men's rights' site at all. It's dealing with male suicide rates and health stuff -- in fact, it's dealing with the fallout of patriarchy on men.

2boysDad I think it was the "Feminism is Cancer" which was the big reveal in this case.

Thank you for the links.

So he thinks feminism is a cancer while simultaneously benefitting from feminism allowing uoubggd opportunities to earn enough to be the main bread winner.

Hypocrisy wouldn't cover it, what a pathetic man.

And on top of that he can't even offer his partner a sex life.

Seems like he knows he's pathetic and I'd living through this other persona online to make himself feel better, rather than being less lazy and less of a child.

I'd continue to let him know nothing about what you know, get your ducks in a row in a way that benefits you and your daughter best, do your best to prevent him from continuing to leach off you and get out when it suits you.

Dadjoke - still not sure what site the OP is referring to though? Is it "avoiceformen"?

Anyhow, I don't want to derail the thread. OP, ten years without sex would give you grounds to divorce for unreasonable behaviour in any sane court in the UK.

I wish you the best of luck re: whatever path you choose to take and if you do decide to split i hope you're able to do so amicably for the sake of your daughter.

Op, I'd be careful if you do divorce, get am amazing lawyer. I knew of a situation where the woman was the high earner and allowed her husband to tinker in his own business propping him up for years. They went through a nasty divorce and he walked away with 70%.

Ime Most men become more feministy when they have daughters.

Op, he sounds like a nasty thick shit. I wouldn’t hesitate in (carefully) getting out of there.

Dadjoke you’ve completely missed the point I was making, but in terms of useful advice to the OP, how about:

“OP, be honest with your husband about how you feel about him - that he’s dim, easily led and not doing it for you in bed - and leave him. His contributions to those sites don’t really matter when you’re living with someone you’d so clearly lost all respect for long before you found out about his posting to them.”