Found DH’s hidden misogynist life on his phone.

[Girlzroolz]

Gulp.

We’ve been in couples therapy most of this year. It’s costing a fortune, and although I’m sure we have the right therapist, we are definitely stuck. I’ve become more suspicious across the months that my DH has been falling down some ‘men’s rights’ rabbit holes on the internet. I think he’s hiding from me, the therapist, and even partly from himself.

He likes to think he’s a modern, nice guy, involved parent, contributing partner, religious etc. He’s very invested in other people thinking of him this way too. He’s softly-spoken, cheery and a bit gullible/naive.

So I went looking. Boy o boy. Not only is he subscribed to every men’s rights feed he can find, he’s an enthusiastic contributor to chat and in email contact with some of the famous ones. He seems to have attended those talks and forums (at least the ones who don’t get banned entry to our country). One email I found had him congratulating one of these guys on a ‘Feminism is a Cancer’ essay. He mentioned a known feminist writer and called her ‘unfuckable’.

I am a proud Feminist. I’m raising our young DD to be one too.

I’m devastated. Shocked, appalled and nauseous. I’m having all the crazy childish thoughts you have when you’re in shock. I want to send one of these choice emails to everyone we know. I want to take my daughter and run. This is such a deal-breaker for me.

Help me figure out a more rational strategy? I don’t give a fig about invading his privacy by snooping on his phone. I just need some constructive next steps. How do I bring it up?

God, he's a loser.

You deserve so much better.

He is the lesser person in this partnership isn't he, I wonder if there's just too much of a gap between you and you can never really have a relationship of equals?

The good news is that he's not clever enough to be really dangerous
I mean it's easy to see through him and then run rings around him

not only would I ditch him, I'd be very concerned about what he might say to DC.

given how you describe him, I would be careful about showing you have any knowledge of this. He will simply say he's been swept away and wasn't really thinking. But there's all kinds of reasons why that's dangerous in itself, of course.

He has no sex drive (or can’t) and it’s driving me crazy. I’m also the one with the money, I have paid for almost everything in 10 years

And yes, to the comments about his personality. He isn’t very bright, and very easily led

Wow OP what a catch. I normally thing mn are quick to say LTB but in this case I think you'd be better off.

Ah no sex. When that goes men can get mean and spiteful. I wonder if partly if it is because their partners are still capable of enjoying sex when they no longer can. They feel they no longer have to behave in a civilised manner to get into your pants.

You have the money, the ability to have sex, why are you still hanging around girl??

The striking thing about this for me is that you have gone through nearly a year of marriage counselling, presumably with a view to understanding each other better. What else is he stonewalling you about?

He probably feels inadequate to you and participating secretly in these forums is his passive aggressive way of expressing that. Does he resent doing marriage counselling? Many men do, feeling happier to stew in their own resentments without looking to resolve anything really.

Does he feel dependant on you and resent you for that. Not your fault, but makes for a toxic relationship

It does sound very much as though he doesn't have anything specific to leave for (ie that he sees as better) so is going along with counselling while hiding a ton of silent resentment that's spilling out online. You, on the other hand, can certainly do a lot better. Why do you think you've been willing to go to such efforts to save the marriage, given all the annoyance you yourself must have been feeling?

You need to print off and keep any vile rhetoric he’s been writing. You can then use that to keep him away from your DD if the stuff he’s writing is bad. You can’t have him involved with raising her if he’s vile about women and advocating abuse? You need professional help/advice with this but if it was me, it would be game over. You’re married to somebody you don’t even know! He’s duping you plus let you pay for everything! Not on. If he’s that anti feminism then let him pay for himself. What a jerk

That sounds like a really difficult situation

Alfie190

perhaps if you google ‘men’s rights movement’ or ‘feminism is a cancer’ (from my original post) you will be less baffled? And likely make some new friends. Or maybe YouTube? They just LOVE explaining their important cause to newbies over there.

Here’s a hint though...it’s not like ‘gay rights’ or ‘save the forests’. It really isn’t.

Op it sounds like you don’t like or respect your ‘d’h. On top of that, the stuff you have found out about the way he thinks (which is vile) is the final nail in the coffin.

It seems like your relationship is done, unrecoverable and no amount of money thrown at therapy can fix that.

Oh fuck OP, that's not good As for "are men not allowed rights?" try substituting that with White Power / Nazi groups will you? It's the same thing. Sheesh.

I'm guessing this loser is going to go after the house / your money big time, when all he's done is tinker at his hobby for 10 years. I'd be finding a shit hot lawyer.

I think the problem is some people's understanding of feminism is not what it actually is.

advocacy of women's rights on the ground of the equality of the sexes.

I 100% advocate equal rights for women and detest chauvinistic attitudes from men.

OP... using the definition...do you think your DH would want your DD treated less favourably than a man? Would he want her paid less for the same work?

You say he's not very bright.... does he even really understand what he's involved with?

When I see some so called feminists... they seem to lean towards thinking women are better than men.

He also doesn't seem to add much value to your life. He doesn't earn and he's not intimate with you. You've put up with his slackness for 10 years.

What are his good points? Has he gotten worse over time?

Is he the role model of a father you want for your DD?

The not working/earning would be unacceptable for me.

Christ almighty, why are you carrying this loser ?

Be careful though...he may well find some nous from somewhere (his twatty online mates?) and you find yourself paying him to carry on tinkering with his expensive hobby.

He's blaming you because he can't blame himself.

These men's movements are a way for these individuals to blame women rather than face the inconvenient truth of blaming themselves.

Getting ducks in a row should be even more important here. I can imagine him getting twats like F4J involved in a divorce.

He clearly feels entirely inadequate and disempowered, and instead of looking at himself, he has been drawn to the idea that it's the fault of an outgroup. It doesn't matter if it's women, Jews, Muslims, The Gays being demonised, it's the same moduis operandi; charismatic speakers, dubious statistics and an echo chamber for the like-minded. It excuses these men's own failings and economic and social conditions entirely unrelated to women which cause their issues.

There are lots of issues which disproportionately affect men, but you don't find MRAs setting up crisis centres for victims of domestic violence, looking at why it's men who are committing violent crimes and taking their own lives; instead they point the finger at women.

I've spoken at length to these types of men, and they are generally so far gone, there isn't much you can do about it. They won't listen to counter-arguments. If you think your marriage is worth saving, then you could at least point him at some reading material:

mic.com/articles/90131/the-8-biggest-lies-men-s-rights-activists-spread-about-women#.7P4JVMWlz

www.wehuntedthemammoth.com/

www.dailytelegraph.com.au/rendezview/why-dont-mens-rights-activists-fight-for-mens-rights/news-story/dfd34b9885268e2e9e06f497a1546b98?nk=fc08ac1cb75bcb08a613ad251fb1408a-1544435119

Here is an example of a men's movement which doesn't demonise women, and genuinely helps men's mental health.
mensshed.org/what-is-a-mens-shed/

rationalwiki.org/wiki/Men%27s_rights_movement

He has no sex drive (or can’t) and it’s driving me crazy. I’m also the one with the money, I have paid for almost everything in 10 years

And yes, to the comments about his personality. He isn’t very bright, and very easily led

This may all be true, although we only have your word for it, but it’s ironic that you use language like that about him, behind his back on a public forum, whilst complaining he’s being a misogynist (behind your back, on a public forum).

@Changedname3456

Presumably you think OP is being sexist towards him? Can you clarify why? As far as I can see, OP has just stated facts that have nothing to do with her husband's sex. He has no sex drive, he isn't bright and he's easily led. That could just as easily be said about a woman.

And are you really comparing OP posting for advice about her husband who contributes fuck all to the marriage with him posting in incel websites that hate women?!

To echo another poster, why are you carrying this man, OP? What can he possibly be bringing to your life that is in any way positive?

Oh come on M4J4 - there’s not a chance that a man could come on this forum and state similar things about his DP/DW and not get slagged to the ground, whatever the “secret” she’s been hiding from him and we all know it.

I wasn’t trying to suggest she’s “sexist” because she’s not ascribing these traits to all men, just him. However, OP thinks he’s stupid and easily led, that she’s paid for “everything” and doesn’t think much of his willingness to put out. I think she may have read too much of those forums he’s visiting, because she sounds remarkably similar in tone to those very same “oppressed” (tongue firmly in cheek) men.

I would also assume that she’s kept her opinions of his intellect and gullibility to herself all these years (although we know she’s complained about the sex drive to him), which makes her current hand wringing about his private opinions a bit hypocritical.

Changename3456 but there really isn't an equivalent of posting on an MRA forum other than a person of colour saying "my DW has been active on Storm Front", is there? I expect you'd get a similar reaction.

This thread is not about you attacking the OP - do you actually have any useful advice to give?