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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would you say this is coercive control?

110 replies

Anamechangeforthisone · 09/12/2018 11:46

Hi lovely Mumsnetters I'm after a listening ear and a bit of advise.

Been with my partner for 12+ years and have DC age 10. There is so much to say, and obviously there have been some good times in between the bad.

I've been reading a lot about coercive control and a lot fits. I just seem to be a shadow of my former self, and I don't even bother to do certain things as I feel as if I will be criticised (eg putting my own pictures on the wall and planting in the garden, even buying my own clothes - though I did buy a dress the other day and he liked it).. the thing is he may not actually criticise me, but I always worry that he will.
I have the 'walking on eggshells' feeling with me always. And the feeling of panic if he is due back and the house is not tidy to his standard.

Sorry, waffling. The issues are:

Shouting, or not necessarily shouting but speaking to me "like a dog" (my mum's words) sometimes, not always.

Going out to work after having DC. Not actually preventing me, but saying DC will suffer and how can I fit it in, and that I won't earn that much anyway.

Money. I have a house I bought before I met him. The other day he said out of the blue "are you ever going to sell that house in xxx or are you just hanging onto it". Thing is I have already put lot of money into bail us out over the years and I'm worried that he's trying to put me in a postition where my choices are restricted.

Isolation. We have moved frequently, even overseas at one point. I do not have really close friends where we are now. I only have a small family, but he has shouted them in the past and I can't really discuss this with them.

I have tried to call WomensAid but I can never get through. Don't really know where to start.

OP posts:
GoldenEvilHoor · 09/12/2018 11:50

This reply has been withdrawn

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Original poster
Anamechangeforthisone · 09/12/2018 11:53

The place I own on my own is about 100 miles away unfortunately, otherwise it would be a good option. We jointly own our home. Our finances are complicated Shock

OP posts:
sparklesaremyfavourite · 09/12/2018 11:54

Yes you are being controlled. Definitely do not sell your house. Keep trying Women's Aid. I've found they're more likely to answer around late morning. They will answer eventually. Or you can get a number for your local branch through their website.

avocadoincident · 09/12/2018 11:55

Definitely coercive control here and I would say you deserve better than this. Your DC also deserves a better role model than this man. Are you considering making a move?

You are very lucky to own a house and I'm sure other much more qualified mumsneters will be along with more detailed advice on your rights. Thanks

Original poster
Anamechangeforthisone · 09/12/2018 11:56

The thought of sorting all this out makes me feel physically sick. I think I should make a solicitors appointment just to get things straight.

OP posts:
avocadoincident · 09/12/2018 11:57

100 miles away means you could go and stay there in the short term or eventually sell it and buy somewhere else?

Cawfee · 09/12/2018 11:57

Don’t sell your house and if you can’t get through to WA google local counsellors in your area. Book to go see one. They can help you work through this

Original poster
Anamechangeforthisone · 09/12/2018 11:57

It's the worry about DC that is bringing this to a head. If he thinks of a witty retort to something.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/12/2018 11:59

You are absolutely being controlled here by him. Abuse like you describe thrives on secrecy too, time to start opening up to others and Womens Aid would be a good place to start (I think you can email them too). Your "walking on eggshells" feeling is code really for living in fear. He is not a good father to his children either if he treats you as their mother like this.

You have your own house here; can you move into that quickly?. At the very least you need a plan to leave him and importantly safely.

Please keep trying Womens Aid.

avocadoincident · 09/12/2018 11:59

Often it's the love we have for children that gives us the strength to make a change when we wouldn't do it for ourselves.
Focus on that love and seek advice from women's aid and a solicitor...you are doing all the right things.

Original poster
Anamechangeforthisone · 09/12/2018 12:02

The house 100 + miles away isn't really an option. Schools etc and at least DC has a few friends here. I know I am really lucky to have it, a sensible decision made 20 years ago before partner.

OP posts:
Original poster
Anamechangeforthisone · 09/12/2018 12:05

AttilaTheMeerkat
I literally have palpitations when he is due back. But sometimes it's not actually that bad when gets in and I worder if I'm cracking up!

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/12/2018 12:11

He is conducting his own private based war against you. He will cause you to crack up and otherwise break down completely if you remain with him.

Abusers are not "nasty" all the time but what you are seeing from him in that respect is his nice/nasty cycle and that is a continuous one. Google the cycle of abuse.

MrsBobDylan · 09/12/2018 12:11

He is switching between nice and nasty to make you question your sanity. It is called gaslighting.

Moving 100 miles, settling dc into another school, making new friends, living independently of him will all be infinitely easier than being bullied, controlled and abused by this horror of a man.

Please, please leave this man and get yourself and your dc to a better life.

Original poster
Anamechangeforthisone · 09/12/2018 12:21

Also manipulating DC I feel. The 'who would you rather live with' question (after we have argued. Or rather he has shouted at something I have done wrong)
I find it odd that he asks DC a lot who are good friends and which ones are best. He is a bit obsessed with it. Also very fattist about others, especially teachers at school
(plenty of digs at my weight of course)

OP posts:
avocadoincident · 09/12/2018 18:06

My mum used to ask this of me about my dad. As an adult now, I don't think I can forgive that of her. One day your DC will look at this through an adult perspective and they will be thankful you took them out of this.

You and your DC can move on from this and you've already made positive steps towards your new future.

Lozzerbmc · 10/12/2018 07:24

This is definitive coercive control - its subtle to make sure you are not sure if you are being controlled. This is not how a relationship should be
Great you have a house how wise you were to keep it. That gives you options. Terrible that he should say to your DC who would you live with. He is doing it to them. Please leave and give yourselves the future you deserve

tillyhoho · 03/04/2019 05:19

I hope things are working out for you - sounds exactly like my ex, but I was so controlled I couldn't get out. For DC's sake I hope you moved into your house a hundred miles away - the further the better. Start a new life. If you google Melanie Tonia Evans you will find a lot of resources for understanding what you're going through and starting the healing process - again for DC's sake. My daughter is in her early twenties and the pattern is repeating...

Fridasrage · 03/04/2019 05:50

This whole thing but especially this -
Also manipulating DC I feel. The 'who would you rather live with' question

  • makes me feel physically sick.

This sounds absolutely untenable. Just think - if you stay, that's what you're teaching your kids that relationships are like. How men should treat women.

National domestic violence helpline: 0808 2000 247
This has lots of good advice on how to leave someone:
www.womenshealth.gov/relationships-and-safety/domestic-violence/leaving-abusive-relationship

Definitely make that solicitors appointment!

Ohyesiam · 03/04/2019 05:59

I would say it’s definitely coercive control.
But the thing is you are unhappy. It doesn’t matter what it’s called , you feel diminished and you have a right not to. You deserve to feel fulfilled and happy.
If you left and your children saw you choosing happiness, it would probably be the best life lesson you could give them.

Get to a solicitor and let them do the fighting. You don’t have to fight him, that’s the job of the professional.

Sounds like you have some resources on your side.
Best of luck with it, stay on here for support Flowers

Monty27 · 03/04/2019 06:03

Run. And don't look back.
He sounds suffocating

Original poster
Anamechangeforthisone · 04/04/2019 15:47

I'm still here Blush. I phoned WA and the DV helpline, but I chickened out. They wanted to contact the school about DS when I explained shouting. This would then have meant that partner would be on a list as an abusive partner. I just couldn't do it. I'm not faultless in all this (non existent sex life for many reasons) . So, they can't help unless I make it official.
I am going to see a solicitor though as our house is going on the market

OP posts:
Original poster
Anamechangeforthisone · 05/04/2019 22:33

Really hope I have the strength to see this through.

OP posts:
tillyhoho · 06/04/2019 06:19

I totally understand you chickening out if you thought he'd go on a list as abusive partner - that would anger him even more. Surely WA and DV can offer you other support? Can you talk to your Mum? And are you selling the house you own jointly or the one a hundred miles away which is your bolt hole? Stay strong, we're here for you.

Original poster
Anamechangeforthisone · 06/04/2019 08:52

Selling the house in joint names. Partner wants to move to a house a few miles away. This one minute and splitting up the next!!
Have just gone with sticking it on the market and making plans in private

OP posts: