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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would you say this is coercive control?

110 replies

Anamechangeforthisone · 09/12/2018 11:46

Hi lovely Mumsnetters I'm after a listening ear and a bit of advise.

Been with my partner for 12+ years and have DC age 10. There is so much to say, and obviously there have been some good times in between the bad.

I've been reading a lot about coercive control and a lot fits. I just seem to be a shadow of my former self, and I don't even bother to do certain things as I feel as if I will be criticised (eg putting my own pictures on the wall and planting in the garden, even buying my own clothes - though I did buy a dress the other day and he liked it).. the thing is he may not actually criticise me, but I always worry that he will.
I have the 'walking on eggshells' feeling with me always. And the feeling of panic if he is due back and the house is not tidy to his standard.

Sorry, waffling. The issues are:

Shouting, or not necessarily shouting but speaking to me "like a dog" (my mum's words) sometimes, not always.

Going out to work after having DC. Not actually preventing me, but saying DC will suffer and how can I fit it in, and that I won't earn that much anyway.

Money. I have a house I bought before I met him. The other day he said out of the blue "are you ever going to sell that house in xxx or are you just hanging onto it". Thing is I have already put lot of money into bail us out over the years and I'm worried that he's trying to put me in a postition where my choices are restricted.

Isolation. We have moved frequently, even overseas at one point. I do not have really close friends where we are now. I only have a small family, but he has shouted them in the past and I can't really discuss this with them.

I have tried to call WomensAid but I can never get through. Don't really know where to start.

OP posts:
Original poster
Anamechangeforthisone · 16/09/2019 13:29

I am still here
I hope to able to leave soon. I feel so anxious

OP posts:
bunhead34 · 16/09/2019 14:54

Thinking of you OP.
What happened with the houses?

ScreamingLadySutch · 16/09/2019 14:58

"Our finances are complicated " - funny, that

Do your family like him?

ScreamingLadySutch · 16/09/2019 15:03

"My DS has said that he can hear dad arguing when he lies in bed, and again in the morning.
And even asked about boarding school. "

please please please listen to your son. This is incredibly traumatic for children to hear.

I am still looking at the fallout of my own children (anger, depression), and had a drink with an old school friend who described listening to his parents fighting when he was 6.

He was drinking. A lot.

PS there are some great state boarding schools and they can be great fun for children, don't listen to the ideology.

BarbariansMum · 16/09/2019 15:12

OP my parents had a terrible marriage. When I was 14, my mother asked me how I'd feel about them getting a divorce. To my infinite shame I begged her not to. Blush Then I blamed myself for all the misery she endured for the next 20 years.

Please dont do that to your son. He's a little boy. If you stay because he asks you to he will never forgive himself as he grows older and "sees what he's done ".

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 16/09/2019 15:39

So what's happening now?

RavenLG · 16/09/2019 15:45

Please get out of there for your mental health and son's mental heath.

No it won't be easy. Yes there will be problems, but is it worth sticking in an abusive relationship for? He is trying to isolate you, so he can ramp up the abuse, which could lead to physical abuse to you and your son.

LEAVE!

Original poster
Anamechangeforthisone · 17/09/2019 06:39

Today is the day I tell him .

OP posts:
pog100 · 17/09/2019 06:57

Thinking of you OP. You can and will do this. It's important. You have your mother in your side, you have on your side. See it clearly. He is wrong, he is controlling, you NEED to escape. Nothing is as bad as you imagine. You can split. Money can be sorted. You are not penniless. Come back to us to tell us you did it. You'll feel better

Shoxfordian · 17/09/2019 07:14

Thinking of you as well op
Be strong

crystalize · 17/09/2019 08:20

You don't need his permission to end things. You are engaging too much. He is not just going to let you go lightly. Just make plans without telling him and go. As talking to him makes him involve your son in it which is traumatising for him. He should come first. You don't owe him anything!

NettleTea · 17/09/2019 08:47

Good luck

with your son, the fear of change is often far worse than the actual change. And the peace afterwards is worth it.

Is he happy in his new school? Did the new house purchase go ahead? I hope he didnt persuade you to cash in more shares, you were right that he is trying to dispose of all your assets so that you are dependant and cannot leave.

You know that if he starts to get nasty then you CAN phone the police

Even if he owns part of the house he cannot intimidate you, and you can get an occupation order and non mol to keep him out. You have reference of going to WA DV before, even if it didnt follow through.

Its like ripping off a plaster. Best done quick so all can heal. But you need to be firm and non wavering

IF you think that he will kick off, you can inform the police beforehand, ring 101 and tell them you are scared, that you are in a relationship with coercive and financial control, and you want to end it. They can keep alert in case you need them

Original poster
Anamechangeforthisone · 17/09/2019 14:03

Complete failure Sad
I started off ok, said I was going, not being good role models for our son, fed up with him shouting, he would get half of house etc .
Then I don't know what happened. It went from stoney silence to ..I will not be without seeing my son grow up every day...to 'i have spoken to DS and I know what he wants and that is for us to stay together' then followed with 'I love you to bits' etc etc
I am just so utterly exhausted with it all

OP posts:
bunhead34 · 17/09/2019 14:46

If he really loved you op he would want you to be happy and not make you feel this way!
Pack your bags and go - can you take your son to stay at your mums?

You son doesn't know what he needs, he's a child, once he sees you happy he will know you did the right thing ❤️

Original poster
Anamechangeforthisone · 17/09/2019 14:59

@bunhead
I have been thinking exactly this. If someone I loved said they wanted to go I would let them.
I mean who wants to be living with someone once they have said they want to leave?
Very hard with DS as they have a close relationship. I have already told DP he can share time with DS and still see him weekends plus take him on holiday etc.

OP posts:
crystalize · 17/09/2019 16:06

Because if you go who will he have as his emotional punchbag? Don't try and understand his reasons theres no point. He doesn't love you at all. Stop discussing and just take action and go. He will still have a relationship with DS. Any discussions after you have left should be by email.

Mix56 · 17/09/2019 17:03

He loves you does he ????
Your son & P can still have a good relationship if you separate.
The difference is you will also have a life worth living.
Do this split now
Sell the house, split the equity with you getting a fair share ratio
Your don will thrive not living in this toxic environment

pog100 · 17/09/2019 17:04

OP stop listening to him and get confidence in yourself. You are the equal, in fact better, of him.

Pinkbonbon · 17/09/2019 17:15

Op everything he says is poison designed to confuse, hurt and manipulate you.

GO. Take your boy too. I'd say go to your property up north, your kid can start school there. Anything better than staying and seeing his mum being bullied like this. But at the very least, go to your mums.

Seek legal advice from there. You need to get away from poison gas escaping his lips in order to think straight.

He is a predator op and he is coming for you - and your boy. What are you gonna do about it?

fiveleftfeet · 17/09/2019 17:45

He is never going to agree to you splitting up. You need to take your child and go, when he's not there.

RandomMess · 17/09/2019 18:33

He well at most get 50:50 shares care it's all bullying and more control.

Thanks
yellowallpaper · 17/09/2019 19:01

Don't marry him, no matter what, it drastically increases your dependence on him as you own a property. It may become partly his property. Can you sell your own house and take half the equity from your current home and get a decent property in the area you are? You are in a terrible relationship, please don't let it get worse.

boringornot · 17/09/2019 19:26

Have you seen the solicitor, OP? Talk to them, talk to woman's aid or any other DV counselling, to the school, to everybody. BEFORE you face your DH. It will help make things more real and harder to give up.
I'm in a very similar situation, but no job. My STBXH doesn't accept that I want out, but will have to, eventually.

Bodear · 17/09/2019 19:39

OP I just wanted to add my voice to those saying that you deserve better, your son deserves better and there is a better life out there for you.
Leaving is hard (if it wasn’t there would be no abusive relationships) but each time you try to leave you’re one step closer to making it happen. Well done for trying Flowers

Isohungy · 17/09/2019 19:42

You have to save your son from turning into him- even if he doesn't understand that now. And you have a whole life ahead of you, you can save yourself from wasting it living on high alert and exhaustion all the time- keep going OP. You can do this Flowers