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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would you say this is coercive control?

110 replies

Anamechangeforthisone · 09/12/2018 11:46

Hi lovely Mumsnetters I'm after a listening ear and a bit of advise.

Been with my partner for 12+ years and have DC age 10. There is so much to say, and obviously there have been some good times in between the bad.

I've been reading a lot about coercive control and a lot fits. I just seem to be a shadow of my former self, and I don't even bother to do certain things as I feel as if I will be criticised (eg putting my own pictures on the wall and planting in the garden, even buying my own clothes - though I did buy a dress the other day and he liked it).. the thing is he may not actually criticise me, but I always worry that he will.
I have the 'walking on eggshells' feeling with me always. And the feeling of panic if he is due back and the house is not tidy to his standard.

Sorry, waffling. The issues are:

Shouting, or not necessarily shouting but speaking to me "like a dog" (my mum's words) sometimes, not always.

Going out to work after having DC. Not actually preventing me, but saying DC will suffer and how can I fit it in, and that I won't earn that much anyway.

Money. I have a house I bought before I met him. The other day he said out of the blue "are you ever going to sell that house in xxx or are you just hanging onto it". Thing is I have already put lot of money into bail us out over the years and I'm worried that he's trying to put me in a postition where my choices are restricted.

Isolation. We have moved frequently, even overseas at one point. I do not have really close friends where we are now. I only have a small family, but he has shouted them in the past and I can't really discuss this with them.

I have tried to call WomensAid but I can never get through. Don't really know where to start.

OP posts:
amandacarnet · 22/04/2019 17:53

Tell him that yes, you do want him to go.
I doubt he will at this point though.

amandacarnet · 22/04/2019 17:55

And remember your dos has talked about wanting to live elsewhere I.e. boarding school, rather than at home. That is a clear sign he is unhappy. Do this for days if you can not do it for yourself.

amandacarnet · 22/04/2019 17:55

DS not days

SheRaTheAllPowerful · 22/04/2019 17:59

Can you just go to your mums, text him that you do want it over. You are in a much stronger position here don’t let him steamroll you into submission.
Imagine your life in a nice house with dc free of him, no worrying about when he’ll get home etc x

Lordamighty · 22/04/2019 18:06

Use the opportunity to ask for a trial separation. Suggest it would be be beneficial for both of you to have a break from each other. Sell the jointly owned house & rent separately & then never, ever go back to him.

ticketsonsalenow · 22/04/2019 18:20

None of this is your fault.

Think of your DS, and yes, it would be appropriate for you to talk to him about it. He has already told you he lies in bed listening to the arguments. He has asked if he can go to boarding school because he doesn't want to live in fear of his dad any more.

He probably feels the same way you do, literally sick with all the treading on eggshells and the fear of what might happen. He probably wants to protect you but is scared of his dad.

Please please get yourself and your son away from this man.

Original poster
Anamechangeforthisone · 22/04/2019 18:53

Well I sort of tested the water by suggesting that we bought the new house 60/40 or roughly. This was because I was going to put in an extra £100k. He was furious and wouldn't consider it. I sort of guessed as much but wanted to test him out.
He has earned money in the past, but I have put in huge amounts of money

OP posts:
Original poster
Anamechangeforthisone · 22/04/2019 19:27

And now DS is begging him not to go and asking me why. Partner keeps dragging him in on conversations. Sad

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 22/04/2019 20:01

Tell him to go - sell the house and split the money

He is now emotionally blackmailing you - ending it is the only way

Original poster
Anamechangeforthisone · 22/04/2019 21:16

Oh god, DS is now really upset. Partner is going to school tomorrow to explain. I may send a quick email. This has just turned nasty quickly. I think he may fight for custody. I have taped conversations of him shouting dating back 10 months so I think I'll try and save them safely. I'm so worried

OP posts:
SheRaTheAllPowerful · 22/04/2019 21:28

Can you get out of the house for a few dats and speak to WA safety ?

Original poster
Anamechangeforthisone · 23/04/2019 06:20

I think I'm backing down. DS is just beside himself x

OP posts:
BertyFlanter · 23/04/2019 06:27

Don't back down OP, you can do this. It's all part of his script, and using your DS shows how desperate he is.
Your son will be so much happier in a peaceful home with a peaceful mum. It's hard right now, and I'm sure it seems the best thing to make all this go away and back down, but I promise in the long run your DC will thank you.

Stay strong Thanks

Original poster
Anamechangeforthisone · 23/04/2019 06:44

It's so awful. He wants to stop me going to work today (no sleep anyway). But I feel a bit stronger at work and can call solicitor.

When I mentioned new house yesterday, he said, well you offered to sell your XXX shares. They'll cover the stamp duty. Just feel he's getting me to cash in everything so I have no choices. Or am I imagining it.

OP posts:
amandacarnet · 23/04/2019 06:47

No you are not imagining it. And don't cash in the shares.

dontdoxmeeither · 23/04/2019 06:50

No. You're not imagining it, he is terribly abusive. Take the opportunity to phone solicitor while at work? Can you tell your manager/colleagues?

From what I read, things become "easier" when the ball is in motion and other people know. Don't compromise yourself financially Sad. He'll have more control over you and your son. Tell him to move the fuck out, your DS will be FINE and you will show him that it's never right to be abusive. Sending you strength

AskMeHow · 23/04/2019 06:57

Please, tell your family, your friends, they'll support you. Please don't back down for an easy life, it won't be easier, he'll ramp it up when he knows you're trapped.

Don't say you're staying for DS. It's not fair to put this on him. A happy mum will make him happy too long term x

SofaSurfer20 · 23/04/2019 07:11

use that, next time he tells you youre fat. Tell him that he's right (btw even if you are its a dick move to comment on it like that) and that youre wanting to join the gym. Add in 'if thats ok?' To get you extra good girl points.

Find a job to work and when you go to 'the gym' go to work. Make sure its 2/3 times a week at least. A job such as a carer will give you flexi hours.

If he's likely to check... get a gym membership, cheapest you can find so you're covered that way.

If he's likely to check your bank, open a new account and put all wages in there. Save all you can.

Then when you're stable. Leave him.

Quartz2208 · 23/04/2019 07:17

Please don’t back down this is horrible abuse and yes it will be hard on your DS at first but getting out is the best thing to do

Go to work and get some legal advice and do not buy the house or cash in shares

Because once it is all done he is likely to leave then

SheRaTheAllPowerful · 23/04/2019 10:14

I would get out now, pack a bag and go to your parents or a friends do not let him ruin your life further

Lozzerbmc · 23/04/2019 10:28

Pls dont back down you’ll be more trapped. He’ll take your money and make you unable to work so you give it up. You can do it but it will be hard but push through this bad stage to get to freedom and and a happier life for you and DS. DS will be upset initially but it’ll be worse for him if you allow this control to continue. Pls get help from family and friends

Lordamighty · 23/04/2019 13:44

FGS don’t put any more money into this car crash relationship, he won’t be happy until he has everything you own.

Original poster
Anamechangeforthisone · 23/04/2019 15:44

I backed down, I just couldn't bear to see DS so distraught. What a coward. I've just run out of energy with it all. Thank you everyone for your support. xx

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 23/04/2019 15:56

Oh OP I hope you find the strength soon and realise that the best and only thing for your DS is to leave.

What did you back down on - finances?

Hoggytat · 23/04/2019 16:27

I know you tried once but ring WA again. He's used your DS to emotionally blackmail you. That's dispicable. Do not sell your shares or house as you will be in much worse financial position when you do split.

Remember happy mum = happy son. Backing down will not make you happy and it will not make your son happy.

The first solicitor I spoke with was free from wikivorce. She gave me sound advice in the short space of time I spoke with her.

Also go in and talk to school. Explain what's happening as he's going up get in first and try to control the narrative. Do this quickly.

Also let friends/family know what's happened quickly so you can get ahead. Flowers You are strong. Best thing is you're not married. You DO NOT have to plow all your money into this 'partnership'