Would you say this is coercive control?

[Anamechangeforthisone]

Hi lovely Mumsnetters I'm after a listening ear and a bit of advise.

Been with my partner for 12+ years and have DC age 10. There is so much to say, and obviously there have been some good times in between the bad.

I've been reading a lot about coercive control and a lot fits. I just seem to be a shadow of my former self, and I don't even bother to do certain things as I feel as if I will be criticised (eg putting my own pictures on the wall and planting in the garden, even buying my own clothes - though I did buy a dress the other day and he liked it).. the thing is he may not actually criticise me, but I always worry that he will.
I have the 'walking on eggshells' feeling with me always. And the feeling of panic if he is due back and the house is not tidy to his standard.

Sorry, waffling. The issues are:

Shouting, or not necessarily shouting but speaking to me "like a dog" (my mum's words) sometimes, not always.

Going out to work after having DC. Not actually preventing me, but saying DC will suffer and how can I fit it in, and that I won't earn that much anyway.

Money. I have a house I bought before I met him. The other day he said out of the blue "are you ever going to sell that house in xxx or are you just hanging onto it". Thing is I have already put lot of money into bail us out over the years and I'm worried that he's trying to put me in a postition where my choices are restricted.

Isolation. We have moved frequently, even overseas at one point. I do not have really close friends where we are now. I only have a small family, but he has shouted them in the past and I can't really discuss this with them.

I have tried to call WomensAid but I can never get through. Don't really know where to start.

It's really not feasible for me to move to my house up north. Not that I don't like it there, but even further from friends, plus secondary school this sept for DS.
There is a possibility I could buy partner out with (a lot of) help from my Mum. She is fully aware of him and his outbursts having been on the receiving end herself. Or split the proceeds and move..maybe closer to town for DS to get more independence.
Need to see a solicitor but tricky to fit in with work. I think partner will start to get nasty over money issues

The fact that your house is on the market means it's a great opportunity to instigate a split. As you say, make your plans in private and obviously don't commit to buying a new house with him. If you can get a job, even part time, in the meantime, it will help give you some money of your own. He may try to put you off, but you can rightly say your child us getting older now and you're preparing for when he goes to senior school. Stay strong! It will be hard, but you can do it.

I've actually managed to get a part time job, and stuck to my guns despite horrendous shouting about it all (if you take that job it is the end of us! You are not doing the best for our son). In so glad I did, I don't feel quite so isolated.
I think he wants to trap me financially by committing to a new house

You say partner, so he is not your husband ?
Do you rent out your property ?
You can keep it or sell it. If you are not married, it is none of his business.
I would start doing things like putting up some pictures in the house and if he doesn't like it, suggest saying something like, you like it, so it's staying. What right does he have to dictate anything to you ? You can buy some pictures at charity shops, car boot sales, Etsy. You need to take back some control !

Don’t go through with buying another house. Grab this opportunity to split. Doesn’t matter how much he shouts, he can’t stop you splitting up. Sell up, split the equity and get you and ds out of there.

Selling your current house and dc starting secondary in Sept sounds like the ideal time to move to your own house! A few months in and your dc will have made new friends - lots of children will be starting secondary not knowing anyone.

In a state of panic here, it's getting out of hand with our house offered on with a very quick completion date. At my mum's so away for a bit ...can see myself backing down. Obviously partner is being nice now

Please take this chance to get away its such a perfect opportunity and you’ll kick yourself if you dont and you’ll be trapped again. You can do this! You got a job against his wishes didnt you? So you have more strength than you think! Is your old house near your mum?

Not that near. I don't know how to approach this. New house has been offered on 😯😯 . I feel I need to read a bit of Lundy Bancroft to reassure myself.

Skarlet2018
I don't suppose you happen to be around as I think it was you who mentioned Lundy Bancroft.
I need to see a solicitor, but it's going to be tricky to fit in and don't want to arouse suspicion. Unless I just simply broach the subject and say outright. But dread the consequences.

In all honestly things are probably much worse than you realise!! I was in an abusive relationship, not that i realised. I only realised after i went to see a solicitor as my ex wanted to end it but wouldn't leave the family home and was planning on us having an open relationship. She was pretty horrified about what had been going on and about his behaviour. Esp as we have 2 young children.

Fast forward a couple of years and i can honestly say his behaviour was far far worse than i ever imagined. The thing is with cohesive control is that your own mind set is changed so before you know it you dont know if you truly agreeing with him or not. Its very very complicated.

Get every thing in order first, do not trust him, he will take you for everything you have got. Given have a chance he will deliberately confuse you and make you believe its all your fault.

justme
Everything is already my fault! Perpetual criticism over weight/untidiness/lack of interest in sex..... My main focus has to be my son. I've had a few little chats with him, but very aware that I do not want to be turning him against his dad as I want them to have a good relationship.
My DS has said that he can hear dad arguing when he lies in bed, and again in the morning.

And even asked about boarding school. I just want a calm life.
I think if I broach it life will become awful for DS. Unless we leave maybe to rented until house sorted, but not sure about that one

You can do this, you really can! I was in a similar situation, I couldn’t see the wood for the trees, panicking, crying and I felt helpless, literally disabled by the emotional/verbal abuse for years, scared that anything I did would have repercussions. My whole existence was controlled. Gather as much support as you can (a friend helped enable me, not even a close friend) Seize this perfect opportunity and once you’ve started the wheels in motion don’t even look back, focus on how much better the environment will be for your DC. He is learning this awful behaviour and is probably also worrying so much about you. My DC is so much happier, yours will be too and so will you when you take back control of yourself. I didn’t use the support of Women’s Aid but was on the verge of it, I understand why you wouldn’t go through it with school being involved etc but there is support and some amazing advice here, be brave, you are much stronger than you think right now

Is it totally inappropriate for me to discuss any of this with our DS do you think? Just to say what our options are. He is aware of problems and a very sensible lad. We communicate very well and I wouldn't be making him feel responsible for a decision. Or it this a bad idea?

We've already had a few chats but I'm not sure how much someone would talk to their children about it. Not wanting to turn him against dad too much x

Don’t discuss with your DS until the last minute, when everything is lined up for you to escape, it’s too much to ask a 10 year old to hold the worry. If I were you I would have a bolt hole for you lined up - a rental? Your mums? Try to get the sale to go through so you have a clean break. Flit to your rented flat with your boy when you decide to. It sounds as though you will end up regretting buying a new joint place. Go with your gut on this.

You need to make this decision not your DS. This is too much responsibility to push into a child.
Please take this perfect opportunity to get your own place.
It is DV that your child is hearing the shouting and is very damaging to him. You need to protect him

No he's far too young to share with. Regardless of his age he needs to feel safe and secure with his monther. Please dont make him older then his years by telling him. When your ready to go you simply state the obvious that you are separating, but dont fall into the trap of teling him too much.

Op do not get rid off that house it's your only bit of financial security, sorry you're being treat like this. He is abusing you

I'd even consider putting the house in DC names before you divorce to protect it.

It's come to crunch time. Partner just said do I want him to go. In front of DS. And blamed me ...(fine as DS aware of him). But he's now twisting it all to make it sound like I am the unreasonable one. All my fault due to untidiness.
Help please ..xx

It is all my fault because I left teabags in a cup and did not rinse the sink after cleaning teeth as I was in a rush. But apparently I always do it. And now if I do not change he will leave. And never see me again and might fight for DS.
DS skipped down the stairs afterwards (I told him to have a play on tablet) but has now gone for a walk with him. I have to make a decision when he returns.

So I'm now thinking is it me? Am I going a bit crazy? He did make a big effort yesterday. I could give it one more go.

AttilaTheMeerkat
I don't suppose you are around anywhere !

Raspberrytruffle
Not actually married so ok on that x