Would this bother you or have I gone all feminist/sensitive/irritable

[whatsthatcar]

Me and the man I am dating for the last few months both work in a similar industry, with slightly different jobs and completely different disciplines within that industry. He is paid better as he had been doing in a few years longer and he came from money. Let's call him John. That's the background.

This issue is not all job based, but it is the job thing that frustrates me most, so I will start with that. Obviously in real life I wouldn't say this (!!) but I am an intelligent woman and I have done well for myself. I love a good debate and learning new things and will always say if I don't know or understand something - I know I'm not stupid so I am comfortable doing this. John however thinks he knows everything about everything, including my job. Even when it is completely and utterly wrong. Last night he made a comment about how general people believe x and it is just crazy because it is so wrong. This is my 'area' of specialism and so I said actually it is like that, but the exception is y - not what he had said at all. He laughed at me in a sort of mocking way and just said "sweetheart it really isn't." He usually calls me sweetheart so that's normal but it felt hugely patronising.

I was furious! Luckily the food came that moment and I chose to not go into it as we have had real friction in the past over this sort of thing.

This happens regularly. I got into my job without any contacts, he got in through his Dad. This means he has essentially had all doors open to him from day 1 and (dare I say it!) he is intelligent but I often feel he doesn't always think about things with an open mind and often misses the point. I came from a privileged background too, but my (ridiculous) views from my early twenties are long gone - for instance he still thinks all homeless people are to blame for being homeless (you cant even discuss the wider possibilities here) and he blames my closest friend for never having a better paid job (she could work harder in fairness but equally she has not had anywhere near the opportunity me and him have had). These were views I had when I just left school - very narrow minded. They are not views I hold now and I can listen to another's point of view and properly consider it.

He thinks he knows everything. The drive between my house and his (I had done it nearly 50 times before he did - and he told me i was going the wrong way as his sat nav didn't go that route...obviously I am not an idiot and after so many times I had worked out the quickest route...)

Other times we will be chatting about something and I will mention a fact of interest about the topic where appropriate and he will exclaim "that's right! Well done sweetheart!" I honestly don't think he means to be rude here but I find it insulting.

The feminist point...he's made comments about men being better in his area than the women, it is "just a fact" because "women are too emotional." I think this may have stemmed from a chat we had once where I had said i think women can be emotional at work more than men (at least i can be!). However, saying women are not as good at their job as a general rule is rather different I think? (He's never criticised me and my ability).

What do you think? Am I being total idiot? Happy to hear that if that's the view...thanks for reading :)

He's a dickhead. He's not a complete arsehole, which is nice for him, but honestly if someone annoys you like that after just a few months, imagine what it would be like in a few years.
There are nice, normal, decent men out there OP.
Dickheads don't deserve your time.

You don't have to be fair, nice, kind, etc. Just honest with yourself and comfortable with the idea that you can decide to walk away from somebody.

I don't think this is a "flaw", it's just him. Why would you chose this life ? He'd make a dreadful father.

He may change, there again he probably won’t.
If you’re going to stay with him you’ll have to acknowledge he may not change, so are you willing to put up with his arrogance and sexism?

If you do wish to stay in this relationship, you should challenge him robustly, every time he expresses such sexist and arrogant views.

If I pull him up on things he will eventually back down and say "ok maybe you a right then darling."

That's not backing down, that's patronising you all over again.

I would end it now. You are not his equal he thinks he is better than you ,and most other people by the sounds of it.
It's interesting that you chose not to pull him up on his patronising and rude response to your comment. So he is already conditioning you not to challenge him.
My ex was like this and at first I found it fun, having someone disagree with me. I though it was stimulating and meant we could debate these things where our views differed. It wasn't like that. It became apparent quite quickly that his views were Right, mine were wrong and he had no intention of discussing them because I obviously didn't know what I was talking about. That attitude soon permeated all aspects of our relationship.
Super critical, rude, overbearing, judgemental, chauvanistic, entitled, tactless, controlling, self righteous and sarcastic are no longer traits I look for in a man.

My ex husband was a know it all. Lucky he left before I actually took an axe to him. It is totally unsustainable behaviour in a relationship long term, patronising to say the least.

he's made comments about men being better in his area than the women, it is "just a fact" because "women are too emotional”

You have better self control than me because he’d have been wearing his starter if he’d said that to me

If I pull him up on things he will eventually back down and say "ok maybe you a right then darling."

Yep, the little lady was getting all emotional again so he placated her. Women, eh? Always upset about something!

He may have good qualities but he has views that are not compatible with your own so i dont think it will work long term. He thinks he knows it all and i dont think that will change.

Read this thread OP on what he could become with his attitude www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3446777-Found-DH-s-hidden-misogynist-life-on-his-phone

He's a patronising mansplaining sexist bore. How on earth do you bear it?

People are rarely wholly bad or good. He may be genuinely lovely in many respects. But that doesn't mean he is right for you. If he is pissing you off already and you feel patronised and sick about some of his comments, then I can't see this getting better further down the line.
He will either grind you down or you will end up disregarding averything he says. Neither option would be a loving, respectful relationship.
The bottom line is he thinks he is superior to everyone else and is blinkered about how much life advantage he's received to get to where he is. He is too narrow for you and this really does matter.

His attitude is really patronising
I don't think you should wait around hoping he will change

Also, as an aside, he's never going to change and stop believing what he does.

He'll always think me are superior in the workplace, it's not something that can be knocked out of him. He's a sexist and misogynist, that's not something you work on, that's just something that he is.

With his views on homeless people being responsible for it themselves and his ideas on women, I wouldn't dare go near his opinions on rape and consent etc. I would imagine, in some cases he believes a woman shouldn't have been drunk, led the man on or what she's wearing was inappropriate.

she thought it was hilarious and asked how John would know when he works in X area.
*
I find myself getting tangled into disputes with him over things and wonder if I should just nod along even when he is entirely wrong?!*

Hmmm, he does sound like a bit hard work, but what really matters is how you feel about his approach. If you, too, can find his arcane opinions hilarious as friend so rightly does, all well and good. I know some people like this, I just avoid talking about the areas we disagree, and have a lot in common in other areas where we can talk freely. Not sure i would find it, ahem, attractive enough, for an intimate relationship.

but I imagine he believes he is far superior.

Isn't it more likely that he, deep down, feels he isn't quite as superior as he maybe ought to be, or has been raised to be? People who genuinely feel comfortable in their skins do not feel the need to assert their superiority by putting others down.

feel I constantly am undermined when making any sort of intelligent comment.

Ok, i could not have an intimate relationship with anyone about whom i felt this. Put him firmly in the friends zone. Since writing this, I have read your thoughts on how he would treat his children. I sincerely hope that you are not thinking of having a family with him. Sure he might look after you well, but oh dear, it would be hard work. Having to assert yourself (with a newborn... just imagine)

Only time would truly let you know whether you could make it work. I couldn't be intimate with someone like that, never mind have a family, but we are all different. Please don't imagine how he might change.. there are so many threads here on MN where the signs wee there at the start but for whatever reason, she goes ahead thinking that he will be different with a family and it all goes horrible wrong.

Who would really want to share a life with someone who thinks they are superior, or rather wants you (and everyone else) to think they are superior, especially when they are just a human being, like the rest of us.

If he’s got to where he is now like this he’s unlikely to change. I went out with a man like this. A few months in it was ok or a bit but these attitudes extend into the bedroom, housework, everything.

By the time I dumped him I hated him.

It’s the sweethearts and the darlings that would get my back up.

Someone saying “maybe you’re right” if we were having a disagreement is fine. But adding a darling or sweetheart makes it sound really patronising! I suppose if he usually uses those terms of endearment maybe it’s unintentional? Have you ever said “I hate it when you call me darling/sweetheart” because it sounds really patronising.

My DH hates a certain term of endearment so I’ve just stopped using it.

If he really is emotionally intelligent he’d be able to adapt his way of speaking/disagreeing if you told him it annoys you.

Having different views on privilege/homelessness might be more of a sticking point though. Only you can decide if you’re willing to be with someone with really different views.

My DH and I have some different opinions about things, but not about anything that’s really important to either of us.