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Original poster

Would this bother you or have I gone all feminist/sensitive/irritable

141 replies

whatsthatcar · 09/12/2018 10:00

Me and the man I am dating for the last few months both work in a similar industry, with slightly different jobs and completely different disciplines within that industry. He is paid better as he had been doing in a few years longer and he came from money. Let's call him John. That's the background.

This issue is not all job based, but it is the job thing that frustrates me most, so I will start with that. Obviously in real life I wouldn't say this (!!) but I am an intelligent woman and I have done well for myself. I love a good debate and learning new things and will always say if I don't know or understand something - I know I'm not stupid so I am comfortable doing this. John however thinks he knows everything about everything, including my job. Even when it is completely and utterly wrong. Last night he made a comment about how general people believe x and it is just crazy because it is so wrong. This is my 'area' of specialism and so I said actually it is like that, but the exception is y - not what he had said at all. He laughed at me in a sort of mocking way and just said "sweetheart it really isn't." He usually calls me sweetheart so that's normal but it felt hugely patronising.

I was furious! Luckily the food came that moment and I chose to not go into it as we have had real friction in the past over this sort of thing.

This happens regularly. I got into my job without any contacts, he got in through his Dad. This means he has essentially had all doors open to him from day 1 and (dare I say it!) he is intelligent but I often feel he doesn't always think about things with an open mind and often misses the point. I came from a privileged background too, but my (ridiculous) views from my early twenties are long gone - for instance he still thinks all homeless people are to blame for being homeless (you cant even discuss the wider possibilities here) and he blames my closest friend for never having a better paid job (she could work harder in fairness but equally she has not had anywhere near the opportunity me and him have had). These were views I had when I just left school - very narrow minded. They are not views I hold now and I can listen to another's point of view and properly consider it.

He thinks he knows everything. The drive between my house and his (I had done it nearly 50 times before he did - and he told me i was going the wrong way as his sat nav didn't go that route...obviously I am not an idiot and after so many times I had worked out the quickest route...)

Other times we will be chatting about something and I will mention a fact of interest about the topic where appropriate and he will exclaim "that's right! Well done sweetheart!" I honestly don't think he means to be rude here but I find it insulting.

The feminist point...he's made comments about men being better in his area than the women, it is "just a fact" because "women are too emotional." I think this may have stemmed from a chat we had once where I had said i think women can be emotional at work more than men (at least i can be!). However, saying women are not as good at their job as a general rule is rather different I think? (He's never criticised me and my ability).

What do you think? Am I being total idiot? Happy to hear that if that's the view...thanks for reading :)

OP posts:
Iloveautumnleaves · 09/12/2018 11:05

Clearly you’re still too besotted by him to do anything sensible, like leave him, so I strongly suggest you double layer your contraception because he will be the most insufferable wanker if you get pregnant. He’s already belittling you, patronising you, telling you you’re wrong about things you have more knowledge and experience of than he does. He will be an expert on being pregnant and your ‘lived’ experience will count for nothing.

I’m happy to be called sweetheart & darling - adult Tom adult, but NOT in the way he talks

Iloveautumnleaves · 09/12/2018 11:09

Grrr

I’m happy to be called sweetheart and darling, adult to adult, but NOT like HE is the adult and I’m 4 year old.

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 09/12/2018 11:13

I am an intelligent woman and I have done well for myself. Why would you never say that in real life Confused? I mean you say you're a forceful woman and stand up for yourself but this comment and a thread title that (to me anyway) suggests you see "feminist" as a negative thing, along with all the examples of patronising, sexist, comments from a guy you're still with, doesn't exactly scream 'strong woman who values herself and expects to be treated with respect'.

Dump him and stop second guessing yourself! Your reactions aren't silly, you don't need to calm down Hmm and no, you shouldn't just nod along.

I see you've said you don't see feminism as a bad thing but maybe you need to think about that a little more. Plenty of us were brought up to see feminism as a dirty word, I know I was! Perhaps you need to consider why you've been prepared to put up with this until now.

abcriskringle · 09/12/2018 11:16

He sounds like a dick. My favourite thing to do with men like this is to keep telling them they're wrong and laughing when they comment (as though they are making a funny joke even though I know they are serious). Don't enter into debate or justify, just keep saying "oh no no" and laughing and "gosh,) where on earth did you get that notion?" Etc. Gradually they get more and more worked up at which point you can say, "there, there sweetheart, no need to get so hysterical." Then watch them implode.

Bluntness100 · 09/12/2018 11:19

This all depends on your tolerance levels, personally I could not be with someone who bigged himself up, acted superior, was arrogant, was a know it all, made mysogynistic comments, and lacked empathy.

Clearlyyou can becayse you're still with him, but that's who he is. It won't change. Only you can decide if your happy to be with such a man. At least you will know no one will ever envy you.

RandomMess · 09/12/2018 11:20

Basically you have now unearthed the reason why he was single despite appearing to be "a good catch"

Love the way you did all the driving over to him for ages...

Branleuse · 09/12/2018 11:21

He sounds patronising and arrogant. How boring and irritating

MsChookandtheelvesofFahFah · 09/12/2018 11:23

Why didn't you just say 'sweetheart, it really is' and then tuck in?

I couldn't put up with this. Every time you started to discuss something there would be that moment's dread when you looked at him and realised there might be a lecture coming.

AnotherEmma · 09/12/2018 11:29

Ugh. Just end it.

This guy could well be Lundy's Mr Right...

MR. RIGHT

Mr. Right considers himself the ultimate authority on every subject under the sun; you might call him Mr. Always Right. He speaks with absolute certainty, brushing your opinions aside like annoying gnats. He seems to see the world as a huge classroom, in which he is the teacher and you are his student. He finds little of value in your thoughts or insights, so he seeks to empty out your head and fill it up with his jewels of brilliance. When Mr. Right sits in one of my groups for abusive, men, he often speaks of his partner as if she were in danger from her own idiocy and he needs to save her from herself. Mr. Right has difficulty speaking to his partner—or about her—without a ring of condescension in his voice. And in a conflict his arrogance gets even worse.

Mr. Right's superiority is a convenient way for him to get what he wants. When he and his partner are arguing about their conflicting desires, he turns it into a clash between Right and Wrong or between Intelligence and Stupidity. He ridicules and discredits her perspective so that he can escape dealing with it.

Continued at www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2268977-The-Abuser-Profiles

TatianaLarina · 09/12/2018 11:47

remember I have posted about one element of his character that I find very annoying.

It’s one massive element that cancels out all his good points.

I wouldn’t even be friends with a man like this, why are you tolerating him?

Your expectations must be low.

TatianaLarina · 09/12/2018 11:50

Mr Knowital:

pennycarbonara · 09/12/2018 12:16

The way he phrases things is patronising and sexist. But the differing views in itself doesn't have to be sexist in itself; it reminds me of one of my exes who used to say things when we were with friends like it could be difficult sometimes because we were both always right. (He clearly saw me as an equal in this.) We were both equally stubborn in our views and most of our most heated debates were about academic and philosophical differences. I secretly found it tiring, he apparently found it stimulating, but I wasn't going to give up just because I was tired, I wouldn't have been content until on one of the points that annoyed me most, he read the stuff I favoured and acknowledged I was right. Which happened nearly 15 years after we'd split up! I think it's easier with personalities like this (and I do seem to be attracted to other stubborn people) if you have different areas of expertise and interest, because that is more relaxing. There can be such a thing as too many common interests IMO.

pennycarbonara · 09/12/2018 12:24

Can't especially be bothered with people who've got views I used to have when I was younger and think I've grown out of. Can be interesting to see how they respond in conversation (especially online or as passing acquaintances) but generally would be irritating if close as inwardly I won't especially respect them and would be waiting for them to change. If you are to be close to someone you should like them as they are.

I don't think he entirely respects you because he sounds patronising and sexist, and I'm not sure you really respect him because he has opinions you had in sixth form and have since moved beyond.
It sounds even more grating combined with similar work.

mindutopia · 09/12/2018 12:30

He sounds like a mansplaining dickhead. I couldn’t put up with someone like that. Not all men are patronising jerks and I’d toss this one back in the sea and chalk it up to experience.

sackrifice · 09/12/2018 12:33

You gut is telling you to ditch this arsehole.

Why are you talking yourself out of it?

Why are you letting him have this power over you?

Ellboo · 09/12/2018 12:36

Do not have children with this man! Maybe not on cards yet but Imagine how these attitudes would snowball once you were parenting together.

mogratpineapple · 09/12/2018 12:36

No one is totally good or bad but you have to decide whether you can live with the bad points. personally I couldn't.

The patronising put downs are contempt - he doesn't value you opinions or intellect. You are less than him. Mansplaining your area of expertise is hugely offensive. Yes he misogynist and you are worth better treatment.

EKGEMS · 09/12/2018 12:38

Once a man-splainer always one

Racecardriver · 09/12/2018 12:41

He sounds quite obnoxious. His views in themselves aren’t really a problem even though you don’t really agree with them. Most people believe something that is incorrect or a bit funny. But it’s more the arrogance that’s massively annoying. Do you really want to end up with someone so stupid that they can’t even acknowledge the limits of their intelligence? Obviously it’s not the worst trait in a man but it is fucking annoying. Can you imagine raising children with someone so childish?

Ginsodden · 09/12/2018 12:43

You have very different values, I’d seriously consider whether you want to parent alongside this man. If that’s in your life plan, maybe best get out now......

EvaHarknessRose · 09/12/2018 12:50

I’m sure he has loads of nice qualities, but the simple fact is that things he says regularly grate on you already in the early stages of this relationship so can you just imagine how murderous you are going to feel after thirty years of sharing a bed, every holiday, parenting etc.

AFistfulofDolores1 · 09/12/2018 12:59

Just to humanise this a little.

Yes, this behaviour is arsehole behaviour, but I suspect that at the bottom of it lies a morass of shame. Shame that he didn't earn his position; shame at how he is judged because of this. Shame that is bad enough that he's managed to convince himself that he knows everything. The alternative is having to deal with reality, which would be very painful.

I think we're often too quick to dehumanise without understanding why someone does what they do. Again, that does not mean you stay with him. It can be healthy to get some perspective, however, before making a decision.

llangennith · 09/12/2018 13:02

Patronising bully. You can do better OP. His attitude is not going to improve. Move on.

Pogmella · 09/12/2018 13:04

Don't suppose you work in law? Sounds like a few guys I know. Terrifying to think they represent women.

ahouseofleaves · 09/12/2018 13:10

Honestly? He sounds awful. He doesn’t respect your intelligence or knowledge, assumes he knows better about the things you are an expert in, has no concept of how other people have not had the same advantages he has, and is painfully patronising.

This. I'd be out of there. Can't be doing with this shit, which is probably why I'm chronically single, but I'd rather be than put up with men like John.