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Original poster

I really want a baby and he doesn't and I don't know how to deal with this

106 replies

PoesyCherish · 08/12/2018 22:35

I've just completely broken down in tears this evening. I was scrolling through Facebook and a post popped up on a group I follow asking what's the one thing people want for Christmas. Several ladies said all the want is to be pregnant as they're at various stages of their TTC journey. I broke down in tears because I wish that was DP and I. After about 20 mins of me crying he asked what was up. I told him and he just didn't say anything at all. I broke down even further and he just fell asleep.

I tell myself there are all sorts of reasons (new job, my university application and the uncertainty surrounding that etc) but the truth of the matter is he just doesn't want a baby. I don't even know how to deal with this. He thinks I'm just hormonal because I'm on my period but it's not just that. All I've ever wanted is a baby. He doesn't understand. He has a baby. Well she's almost 7 now but the point is he's had the whole TTC, pregnancy, birth, baby journey with somebody else. I love DSD to bits but I'll never be her Mum. I want to be a Mum. I want to experience TTC and pregnancy and everything that comes with it. I want to experience holding my tiny newborn, watching them go and seeing DSD grow up to be the brilliant big sister I think she will be (she loves babies right now)

I feel so alone. I can't talk about this with anyone irl. I can't even talk to him about it because he just doesn't want to know. I'm not expecting him to see me upset and suddenly turn around and say he wants to start TTC. I can't force him to want a baby with me nor do I want to. But what I do want is for him to understand and accept how I feel and allow me to feel this way without feeling so alone. How do I deal with this???

OP posts:
Original poster
PoesyCherish · 08/12/2018 22:36

Sorry for all the typos. I'm still crying. Hopefully you get my general point.

OP posts:
MynameisJune · 08/12/2018 22:38

You either accept it or leave. Can you honestly say that in X amount of years when the chance has passed and you don’t have children that you won’t resent and grow to hate him?

I’m sorry your in this situation but there are no winners here. One of you has to do something you don’t want to do in order to please the other.

MrsTerryPratcett · 08/12/2018 22:39

How old are you?

Loopytiles · 08/12/2018 22:39

How old are you? How long have you been together?

You may need to decide whether having a DC is more important to you than this relationship.

Sweepington · 08/12/2018 22:40

OP (I’m sure you won’t) but please don’t do anything silly like getting pregnant anyway and assume he will change his mind

whatsnewchoochoo · 08/12/2018 22:41

Honestly if he lets you cry for 20 mins without asking what's wrong he's not the person to be having a kid with. Just leave him now. He doesn't want a child with you and that's his right. Find someone who does

Original poster
PoesyCherish · 08/12/2018 22:43

OP (I’m sure you won’t) but please don’t do anything silly like getting pregnant anyway and assume he will change his mind

No I definitely wouldn't do that!

Sorry I should've said. I'm 27. Have been together 3 years but known each other almost 6 years.

OP posts:
Original poster
PoesyCherish · 08/12/2018 22:44

Honestly if he lets you cry for 20 mins without asking what's wrong he's not the person to be having a kid with

Exactly and I think that makes me feel even worse because it makes me feel I'm wrong to be upset about it because why would I want to have a DC with him anyway. His response is always "well I didn't realise you were crying otherwise I would've asked)

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratcett · 08/12/2018 22:46

27 you've got the chance to leave and find someone who wants what you want.

I assume he's alder.

MrsTerryPratcett · 08/12/2018 22:46

Older

LizzieBennettDarcy · 08/12/2018 22:51

When someone shows you who they really are, believe them.

He doesn't want kids.

You either accept a childless future, or you move on.

GreenMeerkat · 08/12/2018 22:55

I think wanting/not wanting children is a dealbreaker in a relationship. It's something I don't think a relationship can survive on a compromise. If one party wants children and the other doesn't then they will always be resentful.

I hate to say this but I would leave tomorrow if I were you. The sooner the better.

BumbleBeee69 · 08/12/2018 22:55

OP, leave and fulfill your Dream Flowers

Kismetjayn · 08/12/2018 22:57

Does he want them in future?
I agree with him in that the timing is not great. Uni application alone leaves you very up in the air, not knowing what childcare will be like at your uni of choice. But it's a v different issue if he wants to start in 4 years or something, versus he doesn't want to consider it ever.

Mk1234 · 08/12/2018 23:01

You need to accept that its not what he wants. He is being honest with you, he does not want another child. If your ttc without his knowledge then you will be playing with fire. Move on with your life and share your life with someone who has the same values as you, you will be in a much better position to raise a child.

Seaweed42 · 08/12/2018 23:07

Have you two had discussions about this? When you are both calm and not upset?
If you are upset about something, you do have a responsibility to talk to the other person about your feelings. Not hope they notice how upset you are and try to work out what why that is.

Eatmycheese · 08/12/2018 23:18

You cried for 20 minutes next to him and he fell asleep? That's fucking awful.

You know him and you clearly know yourself better than we do either. If you tell him you want to be a mother and he says he doesn't want any more kids then he is putting his own happiness and choices before yours and you, so you either do the same or accept there is a very real chance you will not have the life you want.
If I was you at 27 I would cut my losses here and forge a life for myself where I could be clear about what I wanted and hopefully find someone like minded to do it with.

Tralalalala1 · 08/12/2018 23:21

I met and married DH at 38.
The whole world and a whole load of other people are out there! ❤️

MMmomDD · 08/12/2018 23:21

OP - you are so young. And this is making you unhappy....
No man - absolutely NO man is worth giving up having child for.
Really.
Don’t sacrifice something so basic and primal.

Leave and find someone else.

If you are struggling with this line of though. Imagine the scenario - which happens often. People get together, live together, seemingly totally committed - and then one day it all goes up in smoke. It doesn’t only happen to other people - can happen to you....
If in 10years time he decided to leave - he’ll still have his kid. But you would have given up that option. And for what ....

ChasedByBees · 08/12/2018 23:22

I think you need to consider whether you can accept this as your life. You’re still so young, but you don’t have time to lose if you want to change things.

neverbetrickedagain · 08/12/2018 23:28

You are young and have plenty of time for new relationship and babies.
Carrying your baby inside you and holding it once it is born, breastfeeding it, all the cuddles and smiles and sloppy kisses are such wonderful experiences that exceed anything else any male partner can give you. Watching them grow and turn into a personality different from you and wonderful in so many ways. Admiration and pride you feel watching them accomplish things. My younger son's warm body while he sleeps next to me, so peaceful and angelic, makes me feel so safe and secure, makes me feel that everything is just fine, makes me feel invincible, makes me feel at peace as nothing else has ever had.
If you want a baby, go for it, you have plenty of time. It is the hardest job you'll ever do, it will totally take over your entire existence, but it is irreplaceable, it is absolutely wonderful and it is one's little private miracle.
It is not the regret you want to have in your old age. Men are replaceable, there a many men out there that could be decent partners and I am sure you could love some of them.
I wish you all the best.

Rainbowqueeen · 08/12/2018 23:33

MMmom is spot on. It’s hard but unless you can accept a childless future you need to move on.

Do it now to give yourself time to grieve the end of the relationship and get in the right headspace to find someone new.

Flowers
Fantasisa · 08/12/2018 23:33

My friend was in EXACTLY your position. She stayed and spent 15 years with him. He had an affair, left her and is now married with two new children. My DF is single and in her mid forties and is accepting that for her, it was all for nothing.

MistressDeeCee · 08/12/2018 23:38

You've known each other 6 years. So when you knew him his child was a 1 year old. He was still co-parenting a young child when you eventually got with him..she would have been 4 years old or thereabouts...?

& now she's 7. & he still doesn't want a child with you. That tells you all you need to know.

It would be wise in your case to not still be sitting there at 30 crying over 1 man in this world who doesn't want a baby, perhaps doesn't even want you to be the mother of his child.

If I wanted a baby as much as you do I'd find someone else. Life - and your most fertile years - are far too short to waste on men who don't want what you want.

As harsh as it seems, you are storing up further heartbreak for yourself if you don't make a move now.

If you choose to stay then it's best to accept there's a chance he won't change his mind, and you hanging your life hopes on him could render you childless.

showmeshoyu · 08/12/2018 23:39

For those lambasting somebody for not intervening when their partner is upset about something so fundamental... not all of us can mentally cope with trying to have a conversation like that, we shut down and become non-verbal. It's like an electrical storm in the brain when somebody is that upset with you.

But it's really not worth trying to force somebody or even persuade them. They should be really looking forward to it. Concerns around timing, money, logistics and childcare are one thing, but flat out not wanting it is a clear message. It's cruel to try to force somebody through a war of attrition of crying and guilt. Set both of you free, it's the kindest thing.