I really want a baby and he doesn't and I don't know how to deal with this

[PoesyCherish]

I've just completely broken down in tears this evening. I was scrolling through Facebook and a post popped up on a group I follow asking what's the one thing people want for Christmas. Several ladies said all the want is to be pregnant as they're at various stages of their TTC journey. I broke down in tears because I wish that was DP and I. After about 20 mins of me crying he asked what was up. I told him and he just didn't say anything at all. I broke down even further and he just fell asleep.

I tell myself there are all sorts of reasons (new job, my university application and the uncertainty surrounding that etc) but the truth of the matter is he just doesn't want a baby. I don't even know how to deal with this. He thinks I'm just hormonal because I'm on my period but it's not just that. All I've ever wanted is a baby. He doesn't understand. He has a baby. Well she's almost 7 now but the point is he's had the whole TTC, pregnancy, birth, baby journey with somebody else. I love DSD to bits but I'll never be her Mum. I want to be a Mum. I want to experience TTC and pregnancy and everything that comes with it. I want to experience holding my tiny newborn, watching them go and seeing DSD grow up to be the brilliant big sister I think she will be (she loves babies right now)

I feel so alone. I can't talk about this with anyone irl. I can't even talk to him about it because he just doesn't want to know. I'm not expecting him to see me upset and suddenly turn around and say he wants to start TTC. I can't force him to want a baby with me nor do I want to. But what I do want is for him to understand and accept how I feel and allow me to feel this way without feeling so alone. How do I deal with this???

Do you also want marriage? Does he? I ask because unless you’re the higher earner / have more assets and likely to continue to work FT after DC it’d be sensible to get married before ttc.

IME relatively few men I knew in their late 20s wanted marriage and DC imminently. (The men I know are mainly graduates earning above average incomes). Some wanted this in the future, but not necessarily with the woman they were cohabiting with now. And some (a smaller number) didn’t want DC.

My DH was in the first group, but his preference would have been to wait til 35 to ttc. I didn’t want that due to the fertility risks.

Sounds like your partner may be in camp 2 or 3. If you think he is, the best thing to do would be to leave.

Quite often men like this move on to their new relationships and are married and having babies within the year. Which must be pretty galling for their ex partners.

I think you have to leave him. That strong desire to have a baby is hard to ignore. And although you're young at the moment it takes time to meet someone new plus get over this relationship.

I was literally coming on to say beware of the 'at some point' line.

Just leave.

I was 27 when I ended a six year relationship with someone who didn't want children.

A year later I met someone. From the off I told him I wanted children at some point and if he wasn't able to make that commitment then I wouldn't stay in the relationship. We waited a few years then both felt ready.

My DH is so lovely and we have faced some really hard situations together since meeting 17 years ago. He was joking the other day that he always says yes to me, but I like to make sure he has what he wants too. We are kind to each other and he's my favourite person to chat with.

Don't settle for this guy op.

Good point from Category this is such a typical thing to do to someone who wants something the other person doesn't.

I've had it done to me over the issue of getting married. Chances are it will never be the right time due to relationship issues, work, finances, etc etc.

Not saying this is definitely the case here but please keep your eyes open OP.

Op, have you had rhe conversation about having a child before with him? It seems unlikely that for a first discussion you broke down like this.

As such, have you had the discussion, possibly many times and he's said no, and explained why and this crying and breaking down could have appeared to be to pressurise him/manipulate him?

How long have you been telling him you wish to conceive? How often is it discussed?

I could never chose my relationship over the chance to be a mother.. My 4 month old boy is the light in my life x

Wait, so he does want a baby with you but just not yet? That's not unreasonable.

I was in a similar position, though but female.

Had young child and painful divorce behind me.

Did not want a repeat of that.

But when I did eventually get pregnant I couldn't have been more delighted - and he's a cracking young man now 😊

My point is a bad experience can put you off.

Does he have a good relationship with his own child?

You need to have a conversation. really talk but make it positive and loving.

Also pick a time when you are both relaxed , well rested and
Not hungry.

It’s very unkind to blame and criticise the OP. If someone is upset and crying then personally my heart goes out to them. There’s some very harsh posts on here.

There’s also some very good advice. Follow your heart OP 💐💐💐

If you want a child and family, you have to take responsibility for this yourself. This man is telling you NO. Therefore, the responsible choice is to stop wasting time, energy, emotions, money into this relationship. Spend some time on your own . Enjoy your degree and meet new people. Why are you afraid to make changes, that may turn out to be 100% better than the life that you have now !

It’s very unkind to blame and criticise the OP. If someone is upset and crying then personally my heart goes out to them

I'm not sure anyone is. But crying and breaking down can be manipulative behaviour, we all know this. Much of this depends on context, how often this is discussed, how often she does this. As said, it's very unlikely this is the first discussion. As such there comes a point where many people disengage if it is repeated too often.

For example he doesn't wish another child right now, the relationship isn't stable and from a life style and financial perspective it doesn't make sense, but if they keep going round in circles and she keeps crying and breakfing down, there comes a point there is little left to be said.

The op really needs to expand more, all she's told us is one event. She's not told us about the discussions that led to this.

He wants us to "communicate better" while he leaves you crying and falls asleep? Get out. Now

I agree with some posters crying can be a very manipulative way to try to get attention. I wouldn't fall for it either.

**I was literally coming on to say beware of the 'at some point' line.

Just leave.**

^I agree. And I speak from experience

"No man - absolutely NO man is worth giving up having child for. Really.
Don’t sacrifice something so basic and primal."

This^^

He wants us to "communicate better" while he leaves you crying and falls asleep

This is a very black and white view. To contextualise, if my husband wished me to have another baby and I said no, but he kept forcing rhe subject, and then started crying and breaking down over it, I would probably deal with it empathetically the first couple of times, but after this, then I too woild leave him crying and fall asleep, because there is only so many times. And I would not feel at that stage I was in the wrong either.

The way the op is written this is not an isolated incident. And for her to get to this stage they must have had multiple discussions. If she can't cope then she needs toend it, but crying and breaking down is something she needs to resolve herself.

As she herself says she can't force him to wish to conceive now. But his not saying anything could be either a sign he is abusive, or it could be a sign she is and he is used to it and isn't engaging with the behaviour any more, and quite rightly.

What MMom said. Spot on. LEAVE. Don't give it 6 months.

He said he does want a child at some point but that we've been arguing alot lately and he wants us to learn to communicate better with each other.

Classic string along bullshit.

Do not fall for it.

Never, ever give up your chance to have kids for a man. At my age I now have plenty of friends who did this and the man left them in their mid-40s when it was too late for them to have kids, for a younger woman and have kids with the new girlfriend.

Why do you want some guy with kids, anyhow? You're young, you don't need someone with baggage like this and when you're with someone with kids it's nearly always an issue on the number of kids you have.

He doesn't want to learn to communicate better, he wants to keep you sweet because it's easier for him. He's already had a kid.

Staying with him any length of time would be a very foolish waste of your time.

You're not married, leave.

I think it's very harsh to say crying is manipulative and abusive.

He didn't know why I was crying when he chose to ignore me for 20 mins. And I wasn't crying / breaking down because he was ignoring me or because of anything he said as such. I have depression and am perhaps more sensitive to things when I'm already feeling depressed. I can't help feeling or getting upset and I certainly don't get upset to elicit any response. I get upset because of just that, I'm feeling upset.

We've spoken about this a few times. About two years we first brought up the topic and he told me he wanted them in about 2 years time. I brought up the topic again about 3 months ago and he said he wanted them in about 2 years time, which resulted in us having an argument because I said he'd said that almost 2 years ago and yet now here we are and he's saying in 2 years time. He then said he didn't want them because he knew I was applying to university and he wanted to see what was happening with that. Now he's turning around and saying it doesn't matter what happens with university he just wants us to be stable. So he's constantly changing his reasons or his timeframes and I don't think it's manipulative or abusive to be upset about that.

Why do you want some guy with kids, anyhow?

I didn't get with him because he has a DD I got with him because I liked him as a person. Your comment makes it sound like I purposefully sought out someone with a child.

It’s not that he doesn’t want kids.

It’s that he doesn’t want kids with you.

You may think you want a baby but they are more hard work than you think. Sleep deprivation is no joke!

We've spoken about this a few times. About two years we first brought up the topic and he told me he wanted them in about 2 years time. I brought up the topic again about 3 months ago and he said he wanted them in about 2 years time, which resulted in us having an argument because I said he'd said that almost 2 years ago and yet now here we are and he's saying in 2 years time. He then said he didn't want them because he knew I was applying to university and he wanted to see what was happening with that. Now he's turning around and saying it doesn't matter what happens with university he just wants us to be stable. So he's constantly changing his reasons or his timeframes

Look, this is classic string along behaviour. Classic! It's a script. There will always be a reason for him to stall because he wants to keep you sweet to hang onto things going his way.

If you want kids, then you need to end this because you are wasting your time with him.

And next time, just avoid men who have kids, just read the Step-parenting board, no man is worth that when you're young, single and childfree.

He's playing for time. But he'll be able to have more kids long after your fertility has come to an end and he's already got a kid.

He's more interested in preserving his life as he sees fit than being a loving person who says, 'You and I want different things in life. And you deserve a chance to know parenthood, so I'm going to let you go,' because that's what you do when you love and you're incompatible.

He will continue to be passive about this because it suits him so the only way forward is to do the active thing and move on.

If he's moving the goalposts like that, OP, then I don't hold out much hope for him being genuine about you having dc together.

Sorry you're feeling low - don't take the manipulative comments to heart.

Patronising much Purpleisthenewblue1

I’m sure OP knows what babies involve.

Can I just say that you HAVE to listen to his reasoning: he wasn't ready 2 years ago: isn't ready now; wants to get university out of the way; wants you two to be stable....

You have depression.

Honestly this is an absolute recipe for disaster.

Why would you even WANT to have a baby in these circumstances?

Think about the baby op!!

Would it be fair for the baby to have a father who was guilt tripped into having him/her and with a mother with depression?

No it most certainly is not fair on the baby!

You have to put your needs secondary when a baby is on the scene and your situation is not stable is it?

You are going to have to change your mindset completely so that for the baby to have the best possible outcome:

1. The parents are on the same page/want the same things/ both ready and able and excited to welcome the new arrival.

1. The primary carer is as healthy mentally and physically as can be to take on such a life changing role.

Are you ever going to find that with your present partner op?

Think hard.

You have depression. The primary carer is as healthy mentally and physically as can be to take on such a life changing role

Wow guess I should just never have a baby then. I've had depression for the last 14 years of my life, I can't see it changing any time soon. I also have a physical disability too. All the more reason to never have a baby then