I really want a baby and he doesn't and I don't know how to deal with this

[PoesyCherish]

I've just completely broken down in tears this evening. I was scrolling through Facebook and a post popped up on a group I follow asking what's the one thing people want for Christmas. Several ladies said all the want is to be pregnant as they're at various stages of their TTC journey. I broke down in tears because I wish that was DP and I. After about 20 mins of me crying he asked what was up. I told him and he just didn't say anything at all. I broke down even further and he just fell asleep.

I tell myself there are all sorts of reasons (new job, my university application and the uncertainty surrounding that etc) but the truth of the matter is he just doesn't want a baby. I don't even know how to deal with this. He thinks I'm just hormonal because I'm on my period but it's not just that. All I've ever wanted is a baby. He doesn't understand. He has a baby. Well she's almost 7 now but the point is he's had the whole TTC, pregnancy, birth, baby journey with somebody else. I love DSD to bits but I'll never be her Mum. I want to be a Mum. I want to experience TTC and pregnancy and everything that comes with it. I want to experience holding my tiny newborn, watching them go and seeing DSD grow up to be the brilliant big sister I think she will be (she loves babies right now)

I feel so alone. I can't talk about this with anyone irl. I can't even talk to him about it because he just doesn't want to know. I'm not expecting him to see me upset and suddenly turn around and say he wants to start TTC. I can't force him to want a baby with me nor do I want to. But what I do want is for him to understand and accept how I feel and allow me to feel this way without feeling so alone. How do I deal with this???

I think you are in a ME ME ME at this stage in your life op and you should listen to your partner as it's not going to be all about you when you have a baby.

Quite frankly, you need to put the baby's needs first and if that is harsh may be you shouldn't be considering it just yet.

Strange how he could just go to sleep whilst you're crying - after seeing that, do you really think you want him to be co-parenting a child with you?

Maybe you'll need to fast forward imagine that you're 40, still with him, your DSD has grown up and you've still not had a baby. Would you be devastated and full of regret or do you imagine, that you woudn't be very happy but at least content and glad you still had him and your DSD? If you think you'd feel regret, maybe you need to take a chance to get out there and look for someone who wants the same things as you. I imagine this will be a lot easier to do now at your age than when your nearing the end of your biological clock, desperately trying to find someone who will have a child with you (desperation often results in making the wrong choices and eventual regret). If now, you at least have plenty of time biologically.

If it is a question of him saying the timing is not right, but yes in the future, then OK.

If he doesn't want them now or ever, then I think you should leave and find a new relationship with someone who does want kids. You will grow to resent him and feel a huge sense of loss, if having a baby is so important to you. You are only 27, get out there and meet someone who wants the same things as you.

If you were to still be with him at 40 & you didn't have kids would you regret it?
I understand him saying he wants you to be stable, of course you should be stable to have a baby, but is that just another excuse to move the goalposts more? I would seriously consider leaving him, whilst your still young enough to move on and hopefully meet someone who wants the same as you. Otherwise you might regret not trying. I know that won't be easy just to leave though

OP I think you intentionally misunderstood what I said. ‘Crying’ isn’t emotionally abusive or manipulative but ‘crying repeatedly’ about an issue that you’ve already discussed and know where your DP stands - then explaining to you DP that he’s the reason your crying and upset because he isn’t doing what you want....is VERY much emotional manipulation and abuse.

I also don’t believe, from what you’ve said, for a moment that you’re not flaunting your misery around him to elicit a ‘response’, this thread is all about ‘how can he see me crying for 20 minutes and not pander to me? 😮’ - You being pissed off he didn’t respond to you!

OP It seems to me there are two options here
A) Your DP is a complete psychopath who doesn’t care about you.
B) Your DP has become totally desensitised to you crying repeatedly, over not getting what you want/ being depressed, and is fed up of being beaten around the head with it.

Maybe it’s both, who know!

Also 🤔 having suffered depression or physical disability doesn’t stop you having a child but you have to be able to function on a level that can consistently support a child! If you have a child without being able to care for them and offer emotional stability - you’re very selfish.

I know I’m younger than you, but I can’t help but think you sound awfully immature.

Also whilst ‘crying repeatedly over being depressed’ sounds harsh I should point out that I myself have suffered horrible depression.

I’m 25 and not sure I know a single peer who hasn’t/doesn’t suffer with anxiety/ depression. We belong to a generation where these issues are rife! But it doesn’t mean a partner has to endlessly support you, or give you what you want! It also doesn’t give you the right to do whatever you want ‘like have an innocent baby’ simply because you want to!

If you’re crying for 20 minutes whilst DP ignores you, your relationship does not need a baby!

Knightly I see what you're trying to say but I don't think it's necessarily fair.

OP sounds incredibly frustrated with his responses and (from what it sounds like) being fobbed off by him, clearly the outlet for this is getting upset about it all. When she feels the tears coming what should she do? Go hide in another room and let it out? He says he wants them to 'communicate better' but it doesn't seem as though he has any interest in doing that.

This is possibly a touchy subject for me as I have been in a similar position, upset about an ongoing issue and ignored repeatedly. I can categorically say that I was not doing it for attention or flaunting my misery. I was genuinely upset and felt that I should be able to express myself in front of this person that is supposed to be my partner.

BTW I should probably ads that I don't think this relationship does sound like a healthy one or one that you should bring a baby into.

I got pregnant accidentally while doing my undergrad, twice 🤦🏽‍♀️

I still graduated but it took me 5 years and it was really bloody difficult. I definitely wouldn't recommend it.

You're only 27, what's the big rush? Get your degree and started in a career and then do it. How are you going to support yourself if you have a baby now?

This thread has been full of good advice.

The relationship you’re currently in is not a suitable one to bring a baby into, while one of the parents does not want it.

He doesn’t want kids with you and can’t say when he will (even when he did he was lying or changed his mind). If you want kids badly enough you need to leave him, start healing and then start dating. Only date men who genuinely want children as badly as you and on a similar timescale to you.

You’re 27: leave him now, take some time to heal, and then date. You could be married and pregnant in your early thirties. Which is a damned sight more likely than it would be if you stayed with this guy.

It’s not easy to choose between giving up the man you love to have a child or stay with him & remain childless. I feel your torment. It’s a tough decision but be mindful that the years are ticking away & you won’t be youthful forever. If you were to leave would you consider being a single parent if you never found the right man to settle down with as a family or do you want the whole package? There’s lots of options but please don’t get pregnant with this one it will be the most devestating choice you’ll ever make.

You're young, you don't need someone with baggage like this and when you're with someone with kids it's nearly always an issue on the number of kids you have.

I agree.

You got with him when you were 24...at that age you have your pick of men. You don't need a man with a child.

Leave him while you're still young.

Don't be strung along.

Op sadly l agree with other posters, l have friends in their 40s who didn't have children in time as their Dh's kept putting it off/delaying and persuading them to wait another year or two,....and now these two women are facing childless futures, and it is bleak for them.

Even more sadly one has just got divorced as her DH has found someone younger, lo and behold the OW is now pregnant......hearbreaking.

As being a mother is so important to you, (and l agree it should be) find a man who wants to have a family with you.

For a couple of years l thought l was going to be unable to have children and the horror l felt at a childless future was truly scary, l subsequently managed to have 2 beautiful Dcs and they are the very best thing in my life, nothing else compares.....don't throw your chances away.....move on and go after what you want op...good luck!

You don't need a man with a child

Nobody needs a man with a child but he is the one I fell in love with, I wasn't going to write him off just because he had a child. Do single Mum's also feel they should never date if they're young? I mean who needs a woman with a child, especially when they're in their 20s

PsychedelicSheep well done for managing to complete your degree with two DC. What subject was it in? In terms of how would I support myself, the finance I would get whilst studying would more than cover my portion of costs. Finance is increased if you have DC and even more so if you're then single as it would then be only going off my income, so either way I'd be able to support myself.

I'm not saying it would be a good idea to have a DC right now, I'm not saying I'd trap him by getting pregnant now which a couple of posters seem to be suggesting. I don't think it would be a good idea. I want a baby (don't most of us have that strong biological urge even in less than ideal circumstances?) but I don't want to bring them into the situation it would be currently.

Quite frankly, you need to put the baby's needs first and if that is harsh may be you shouldn't be considering it just yet.

I'm well aware baby's needs come first so thanks for that patronising comment. I hold it together whilst DSD is around because her needs come first. I always put her first and I'm well aware any future DC I have would also need to be put first.

crying repeatedly’ about an issue that you’ve already discussed and know where your DP stands

I cried for one evening, not repeatedly. I'm not trying to elicit a response from him or be emotionally manipulative. I got upset, I cried, I posted on MN for advice on how to deal with the feelings. I'm not asking him to give me what I want. I was asking for ways that I can deal with my feelings.

Anyway, it's irrelevant now. We've both moved on from the evening and I'm going to move on from this thread too.

Anyway, it's irrelevant now. We've both moved on from the evening and I'm going to move on from this thread too.

Unless he’s agreed enthusiastically that he wants to TTC within a foreseeable timescale that works for you or you’ve stopped wanting a baby, then you haven’t actually moved on have you? You’re just brushing it under the carpet.

You sound so defensive, even though you’re the one who came here asking for input from people who’ve taken the time to try and help you. You sound quite immature and I think that’s a further tick in the ‘not the right time for a baby’ camp, along with the mental health issues and an unwilling father.

VietnameseCrispyFish are you deliberately missing where people came here to tell her disabled people shouldn't have children? That's not "taking the time to try and help" is it

Sorry op but all too often I read on mn that a woman wants a child but the partner/husband doesn’t, to keep the peace he strings her along, maybe next year, when we are more financially stable, when we stop arguing, in a couple of years blah blah.

If you’re arguing a lot then I agree, it’s nit time to bring a child into the relationship, anything else, such as finances is a red herring. In your position op, I’d leave and look for a relationship that doesn’t have the arguments, where you both want the same and can communicate.

Your dp sounds stable, sensible and a good father to his dd. He understands what it takes to have a baby and doesn't think you, or you and him together are in the right stage in your lives.

I am glad you understand that and can move on and make the most of being mum to your sd and work towards ticking the boxes that your dp requires before he makes you a mum of his child.

OP, you need to decide whether your relationship without a child is enough for you. If it is, then you stay. If it's not, you go.

My SIL is in an exceptionally fragile relationship, her DH has depression, they both have had addictions (and come out the other side), they have gone through 3 rounds of IVF to date (none have worked)

Her desire to have a baby has become more than their relationship - her DH makes little to no effort with her on a daily basis (doesn't work, doesn't seem to contribute anything to the relationship) but (from our POV) is going along with IVF because a baby is the one thing she wants (and he gets an easy ride)

You're only 27, please put yourself first right now and take time away from the relationship - maybe he'll realise you are the one he wants and he does want a child with you? Only time will tell

rinabean are you deliberately missing the fact that it was OP herself who said

Wow guess I should just never have a baby then. I've had depression for the last 14 years of my life, I can't see it changing any time soon. I also have a physical disability too. All the more reason to never have a baby then hmm

Not one person said that a disability meant she shouldn’t have a child. One poster, Knightly, said

Also 🤔 having suffered depression or physical disability doesn’t stop you having a child but you have to be able to function on a level that can consistently support a child! If you have a child without being able to care for them and offer emotional stability - you’re very selfish.

Which is absolutely correct.

Please RTFT

There’s no point breaking down in tears. Just break up with him and set about finding someone who does want kids.

You’re young, you’ve got time to find someone new but not to waste on someone who doesn’t share your goals.

He’s just stringing you along.

@VietnameseCrispyFish it was heavily implied that disabled people shouldn't have DC. Yes I'm defensive about that because I think it's such a blanket statement of "oh disabled people shouldn't make babies". I'm also defensive when people say who needs a man with a DC, you have your pick of men etc. There would be uproar if someone tried to suggest this the other way around that single Mum's are broken goods and what man needs a women with a child.

Sorry to hear about your SIL MsSquiz that sounds like a really sad situation for her.

@WhoKnewBeefStew I agree everything else is a red herring. From my perspective everything else can be made to work (finances, studying etc) as if you both want it badly enough you'll make it work. What is the issue and I agree it's not a good situation to bring a baby into is the arguing.

Thank you @PrettyVase.

For those saying break up with him. I would agree with you if everything you were saying were true. However I think it's very difficult to get a full sense of the picture from one thread, especially one posted when feeling very emotional.

No he hasn't agreed to start TTC right now nor has he agreed a timeframe but nor do I want him to. What has been agreed is that we need to start communicating better (on both fronts, not just me). We went away for a couple of days. The time away from everything, even though it was only a couple of days, I think has helped. We spoke lots and both agree that instability and arguments are not good places to bring a child into and both agreed on ways we can improve our relationship. He's scared because he willingly chose to have a baby with his wife and now they're divorced and having to coparent, which of course most people don't plan or want that for their DC or them when they're TTC. He is scared of having another repeat of that so I can understand his viewpoint of wanting as stable a relationship as possible before bringing another child into the world.

He really sounds lovely op.

Good luck to you both x

I was 38 when I had my first. Plenty of time to get a man who wants w family, and cares when you cry.

He didn’t tell you to wait six months because by then he may have changed his tune, rather he is hoping that in six months time you’ll have changed yours. He’s probably hoping you are going through some sort of phase and will change your mind.

The fact he was able to ‘fall asleep’ and ignore you crying speaks volumes to me. Having a child puts a humongous strain on even the most stable couples. You very much have to lean on one another emotionally to get through. If he ignores your raw emotions now, that won’t change when you’re pregnant or have a child. He sounds like an unsupportive prick in other words OP.

You’re more than young enough to leave him and find someone decent to have children with. Do that.