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Original poster

I really want a baby and he doesn't and I don't know how to deal with this

106 replies

PoesyCherish · 08/12/2018 22:35

I've just completely broken down in tears this evening. I was scrolling through Facebook and a post popped up on a group I follow asking what's the one thing people want for Christmas. Several ladies said all the want is to be pregnant as they're at various stages of their TTC journey. I broke down in tears because I wish that was DP and I. After about 20 mins of me crying he asked what was up. I told him and he just didn't say anything at all. I broke down even further and he just fell asleep.

I tell myself there are all sorts of reasons (new job, my university application and the uncertainty surrounding that etc) but the truth of the matter is he just doesn't want a baby. I don't even know how to deal with this. He thinks I'm just hormonal because I'm on my period but it's not just that. All I've ever wanted is a baby. He doesn't understand. He has a baby. Well she's almost 7 now but the point is he's had the whole TTC, pregnancy, birth, baby journey with somebody else. I love DSD to bits but I'll never be her Mum. I want to be a Mum. I want to experience TTC and pregnancy and everything that comes with it. I want to experience holding my tiny newborn, watching them go and seeing DSD grow up to be the brilliant big sister I think she will be (she loves babies right now)

I feel so alone. I can't talk about this with anyone irl. I can't even talk to him about it because he just doesn't want to know. I'm not expecting him to see me upset and suddenly turn around and say he wants to start TTC. I can't force him to want a baby with me nor do I want to. But what I do want is for him to understand and accept how I feel and allow me to feel this way without feeling so alone. How do I deal with this???

OP posts:
KnightlyMyMan · 08/12/2018 23:40

Op- I’m not that much younger than you and also strongly want children (always have). I’m engaged to a wonderful man but have previously been in this situation.

I’m sorry but I strongly doubt that he’s ‘in love’ with you. His behaviour really doesn’t suggest he is.

Please avoid the ‘talking it to death’ with him- he doesn’t want a child - no amount of repeatedly telling him how you feel or crying (as you describe) is going to change that.

🤔 I don’t like to say it, because I do empathise with your situation (I’ve been there) but it’s actually emotional manipulation on your part and quite bad behaviour. If he was the one sobbing and telling you that something you didn’t want to do was the reason why (you sound fully aware he doesn’t want a child) - MN would be in uproar!

Either make your peace and stay or cut your losses and leave- stop beating him with it!

HereIgoagainxx · 09/12/2018 00:11

My exneerknew he to deal with me when I was emotional, which wasn't very often in fairness. He just didn't knowCwgat to say and was afraid if saying the wrong thing

Anyway, op, your dilemma sadly is black and white. You want different things. If you want a family then you have no choice but to separate.

I can tell you are in so much pain. You are young enough to meet someone else and start a family. I know that's no consolation to you now xx

Osirus · 09/12/2018 00:28

You’re not married - just leave. Please do not give up on having a child for a man you’ve been with less than half a decade.

Having a child is everything you think it will be. It’s the most amazing thing. When, in the future, you have your baby, who wants nothing else but to just be close to you, you will wonder why the hell you even considered NOT leaving this man. Believe me, you will love no one else like you love your child. It compares to no other love.

Original poster
PoesyCherish · 09/12/2018 00:43

For those lambasting somebody for not intervening when their partner is upset about something so fundamental... not all of us can mentally cope with trying to have a conversation like that, we shut down and become non-verbal. It's like an electrical storm in the brain when somebody is that upset with you.

Exactly this ^^

it’s actually emotional manipulation on your part and quite bad behaviour.

I don't think that's very fair. Do you just want me bottle it up and pretend I'm not upset?

For someone who seemed asleep he seemed to wake up again and we chatted. I didn't even say anything to him and he just woke up, went for a wee and then we spoke. He said he "tried to communicate" when I was upset. He said he tried asking me questions - he asked one which was "is it something I've done" and that was it. He said he tried touching me but I didn't want to know. Maybe it's just me. Maybe I'm just totally shit at communicating Sad He said he does want a child at some point but that we've been arguing alot lately and he wants us to learn to communicate better with each other.

Would it be bad to give it 6 months and if nothing has changed then leave?

OP posts:
JennyHolzersGhost · 09/12/2018 00:49

Don’t wait six months. You want different things in life. Time to move on, OP. Don’t prevaricate.

halfwitpicker · 09/12/2018 00:53

it’s actually emotional manipulation on your part and quite bad behaviour.

^

Utter shite.

Would it be bad to give it 6 months and if nothing has changed then leave?

^

I wouldn't wait 6 months. If you leave now you could meet someone over the holiday season! Kidding, but I think you should leave sooner rather than later.

Don't waste more time on this guy.

halfwitpicker · 09/12/2018 00:55

For someone who seemed asleep he seemed to wake up again and we chatted. I didn't even say anything to him and he just woke up, went for a wee and then we spoke. He said he "tried to communicate" when I was upset. He said he tried asking me questions - he asked one which was "is it something I've done" and that was it. He said he tried touching me but I didn't want to know. Maybe it's just me. Maybe I'm just totally shit at communicating sad He said he does want a child at some point but that we've been arguing alot lately and he wants us to learn to communicate better with each other.

^

There's a term for this: making stuff that's his fault seem like your fault. Someone more knowledgeable will be along soon I'm sure!

MySkirtHasPockets · 09/12/2018 01:01

Sounds like he's stringing you along.

Please don't tolerate this, you are young and with no ties to him. You could get yourself out there and find someone who really does want what you want.

He sounds uncaring from what you've described. I have been in a similar situation and wish I had done things very differently. As a pp has said, concerns are to be expected but his behaviour screams out that he just doesn't want it with you.

Do you have a house together?

differentnameforthis · 09/12/2018 01:14

It's not easy, but if your love for him isn't strong enough for you to overcome not having a baby with him, you need to find someone who does want children.

You don't sound like you are married, so leaving will be easier. He doesn't have to have a child, so you have a tough choice to make.

I have been here, I was married and I left him, he was very much at a "not now" point on it though (and had been for several years). When he released I was going to move on without him, we talked and years later we have 2 children.

Good Luck.

lboogy · 09/12/2018 01:16

When he said he didn't want another child was it when he was having issues with his ex?

It may be that he's open to the idea of another child but maybe finances or his fear of another breakup may be an issue.

I'd suggest you find out where his thinking is on the subject and make your decision from there. Don't manipulate him into having a child just to get you to stay with him because he will resent you in the the end

Good luck

Oliversmumsarmy · 09/12/2018 01:21

You want different things and you are young.

Chalk it up to experience and move on.

You are not giving yourself the opportunity to meet someone else whilst you spend time with this person.

It seems like your life is going in a different direction and for the next few years you are going to be busy and as a single you can have have loads of fun at uni meeting different people and who knows one of them could be the one or you could just bump into someone coming out of the supermarket.

There is someone out there for you who’s words don’t make you cry.

Your current partner will probably meet someone else and have children with that person.

I think sometimes people say they don’t want children but what they actually mean is they don’t want children with their current partner.

He said he does want a child at some point but that we've been arguing alot lately and he wants us to learn to communicate better with each other

This is backtracking because he thinks you are going to leave and atm you are s convenience

What do you think will happen in 6 months. That will suddenly make everything great

Sethis · 09/12/2018 01:24

Fundamental mismatch:

You want a baby
He does not want a baby

This relationship has no future without one of you sacrificing something fundamental to you.

Given there are plenty of men out there with whom neither of you would have to sacrifice anything, it might be worth looking at that.

After about 20 mins of me crying he asked what was up. I told him and he just didn't say anything at all. I broke down even further and he just fell asleep.

If this was a fully accurate description of events i.e. you were in the same place, at the same time, he did nothing, then I would take that as a signal to leave already. It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what to say, it doesn't matter what the problem is. At a bare minimum he should be awake, alert, and trying to help any way he can until you stop crying and recover. Certainly when my DP cries then I bend over backwards and try everything within my power to help her feel better. It's unacceptable to me that he didn't do that.

Kescilly · 09/12/2018 01:29

My ex-husband strung me along for years, said he wanted kids before we got married and then slowly changed his tune. He eventually turned out to be a horrible person in other ways, but I’m glad that he was. It gave me the strength to leave instead of staying with him and losing my chance to ever have children.

I went through some pretty difficult times in between, but I’m remarried and pregnant with my first child. It means the world to me. If children are that important to you, you’re going to have to make the difficult decision and get out.

ageingrockstar · 09/12/2018 01:34

Leave him!
He is not worth giving up on the opportunity or desire to have a baby! Find someone who values you and wants the same things!

MistressDeeCee · 09/12/2018 03:26

Would it be bad to give it 6 months and if nothing has changed then leave?

Do you think by June 2019 he is suddenly going to say ok, let's have a baby?

"At some point" and him refusing to acknowledge your upset + the reasons why...

This man is showing you in every way that he does not want a baby with you. You are diminishing yourself by hanging on for what's not on offer.

As harsh as it is you need to hear what someone is really telling you. If you stay and he never wants a baby with you well then - you can't say he didn't tell you. He is telling you, yet you feel you can manipulate him by remaining with him.

Never love a man more than you love yourself, you'll do your life a dis-service and lose your self-respect along the way.

If he does have a child in future - and it seems he doesn't want that to be the near future - then it's unlikely it will be with you. You've known him for 6 years - if you were his 'one' he wanted to be the mother of his child you'd be on the way to that already.

Aquamarine1029 · 09/12/2018 04:04

If you want children, you MUST leave him. NOW. If you don't, you will regret this for the rest of your life. It really is as simple as that. Put yourself first.

SparkleTheTinselKitten · 09/12/2018 04:46

Go. Now.

Don’t look back. Have a child.

I never wanted kids, but I did also know that if I ever fell in love with someone who really wanted them I wouldn’t have had the heart to deny them children.

Also couldn’t imagine leaving someone I loved to cry for 20 minutes.

So leave. Don’t look back. Don’t listen to any grudging promises about “maybe next year” or “when we’ve bought a big enough house” of anything else like that.

Weezol · 09/12/2018 04:54

There's a term for this: making stuff that's his fault seem like your fault. Someone more knowledgeable will be along soon I'm sure!

I think the term you're after is 'gaslighting'.

www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/here-there-and-everywhere/201701/11-warning-signs-gaslighting

ChilliTree3 · 09/12/2018 06:55

He is sending you a clear message that he doesn't want a child with you. You clearly want a child
You want different things. You need to be brave and end this relationship and find someone who wants a family

AgentJohnson · 09/12/2018 07:55

First things first, stop lying to yourself, it isn’t productive. I’m not saying this to be mean but to get you to understand that the only person ‘getting in the way’ of your dream to have a child is you and your stubbornness/ delusion that staying with someone who doesn’t, is a good idea.

You don’t want him to ‘understand you’ want him to change his mind. Waiting, even for six months, doesn’t bring you closer to having a child.

He is not wrong for not wanting a child and you are not wrong for wanting a child, however, you are both wrong for staying in a relationship with someone who is diametrically opposed on such a fundamental issue.

The balls in your court.

Workreturner · 09/12/2018 07:57

Honestly if he lets you cry for 20 mins without asking what's wrong he's not the person to be having a kid with

For me it’s the fact that you say there crying, waiting for him to say something.
Rather than be an adult and turn and talk to him.

user14869556378 · 09/12/2018 08:39

Wait, so he does want a baby with you but just not yet? That's not unreasonable.

You've only been together 3 years and you've mentioned a University application. He's split with the mother of his first child, perhaps he wants to make sure it doesn't happen with his second child.

Drogosnextwife · 09/12/2018 08:44

OP I left a man that didn't want children. I already has one but he didn't want any. He stuck by that for the whole time we were together, then after we split he changed his mind and said one day he would. We didn't get back together, best decision I made.

prettywhiteguitar · 09/12/2018 08:45

My ex and I had a child ten years ago, over the years he’s strung along 3 different girlfriends, all saying they would start a family at some point.

He didn’t enjoy having a baby the first time round, it split us up, he has resisted for ten years, I don’t think he will ever, but he won’t tell his hopeful girlfriends that

category12 · 09/12/2018 09:03

"at some point" is nicely vague, isn't it? And I like how he says you've been arguing a lot so it's not the right time. Soooo you could behave yourself and stop arguing and let him have things his way for an indeterminate length of time, and maybe it'll become the right time.. Hmm

Op, he may be right that it's the wrong time, if you're applying for uni etc. It doesn't honestly sound like the right stage of your life to me. However, being palmed off with "at some point" is no good.

If underlying those perfectly valid reasons not to have a baby now, he doesn't want more dc, then you have to make the break. There's no point staying.