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Original poster

I need some perspective

126 replies

ApplesAndPearsStairs · 08/12/2018 20:24

I would really appreciate your help and views on my situation to give me some perspective.
I have been married for 7 years, with my DH for 7 years before marriage. We have 2 young boys.
The relationship has had its ups and downs. Our sex life is poor, we have massively drifted apart but we still like each other.
About a year ago I met someone at work, also married with children. Nothing has happened between us but there is very obviously a strong mutual attraction there. We have spent many hours talking and are extremely close.
I am considering splitting up with DH because of how I feel about OM. But would it be stupid to put a rocket under my whole life in the hope that one day I would have these feelings for someone else who is available? I'm confused.
Just to clarify: I haven't done anything with OM, I haven't told him how I feel, I don't intend to tell him how I feel.

OP posts:
MMmomDD · 08/12/2018 20:43

OP - for me - one cans/should/better split up with their partner if they are unhappy. And reached a point where they can’t and don’t want to change or fix it.

Leaving because or For someone else - is putting a lot of expectations on that new relationship. If it doesn’t work out - or rubs into trouble - then resentment will creep in.

Of course - in real life - people often meet their next partner first and move from one relationship to another. It’s easier that way.

I don’t know how old you are and what your financial situation is.....
Pragmatically - these things matter.
Leaving because you are less than happy in your relationship - if that means a big change in quality of life - isn’t easy.

Original poster
ApplesAndPearsStairs · 08/12/2018 20:50

Thank you MMmomDD. If I hadn't met OM then I'd have plodded along reasonably happily in the relationship. But since I have met OM it has totally shaken me. I didn't know it was possible to be so connected with another person, for communication to be so easy and effortless. It's like we're two pieces that fit together.
Financially I would be okay.
I'm middle aged.
I'm just worried about giving up something that's not completely broken and regretting it when I never meet anyone like OM. I feel like my feelings for OM are a once in a lifetime type of thing.
I'm not prone to melodrama.

OP posts:
Hopoindown31 · 08/12/2018 20:52

What have you done regarding trying to improve your relationship with your DH? Is he not listening and acting on your concerns or have you just drifted away without try to change course. Is the poor sex life because you don't want to or something else?

Hopoindown31 · 08/12/2018 20:53

By the way look up limerance.

Hopoindown31 · 08/12/2018 20:58

And remember you have shared a lot of life experiences with your DH and know his good and bad much more than OM who you only know at work and as you have a crush are likely to fill in the blanks with positive assumptions. Your DH is never going to be able to compete with your ideas of your OM.

minipie · 08/12/2018 21:00

How would you feel if your DH was having similar thoughts and tomorrow told you he wanted to split? Devastated or relieved?

BackInTheRoom · 08/12/2018 21:35

Like you're 'Soulmates'? Hmm

Dasher1 · 08/12/2018 21:42

Your feelings for the OM sounds a lot like limerance. This want and desire for something, which you can’t just go and get. Also you love for DP has settled, life has got in the way, and it’s more of a partnership. You desire that connection, which you probably first felt with DP before the DC.

However, you say “still like each other” not love? So is this just co-parenting? A friendship? A routine?
If so how would you feel if DP left? Have you done anything to restore this love for your DP? Talk to him? Look at why? Are you/both working to much? Do you just do the “routine” and not make time for each other?

My first point would be forget OM and focus on DP. If your unhappy and have tried, or don’t see this working then leave. But don’t leave for the OM, leave for you, leave because it’s the right thing for everyone.

Orange6904 · 08/12/2018 21:58

Your H is never going to match up to this guy at work, at work you see this person's best side, they exist in a bubble. It's more about you than the OM and the feelings you get from thinking about a fantasy situation with him. If you step back do you really know this OM?

Talk to Husband and if you're both not happy leave but don't leave for the idea of someone else as it might not measure up to the fantasy.

MMmomDD · 08/12/2018 21:59

OP - there are no guarantees in life about who you may meet or not, and how you’ll feel....

It sounds - at least in part - as a middle life crisis - although I hate this term....
But I have seen it in a lot of people around me - life settles down, chugging allong, kids, work, sex disappears, attraction to partner after many years dwindles...
And it’s totaly natural to think - it this IT? For decades and decades until old age/death?

For me - I think the test is - if I look at my partner and think - I do NOT want to be old with him one day - then it’s over.
Little things in relationship can be fixed, even big practical things too, but there needs to be the basis. The core.
If it’s broken - then it’s over. Eventually it’ll fall apart.

But - you can’t negotiate with fate.... Can’t calculate - will I / won’t I meet someone like X; or feel like Y....

You are hesitating - so probably you aren’t beyond a point of no return.
Given you have small kids - and don’t hate your H - why not give it a bit more time to decide....

Orange6904 · 08/12/2018 22:01

Also, this other guy is married with children? Has he been flirting with you even though he's married with kids? Is that honestly attractive?

Orange6904 · 08/12/2018 22:03

But looking around and thinking 'is this it' that's not just to do with a partner, that's how we all feel. It's not fair to expect your partner to fulfill everything. What about hobbies, social life, courses.

Orange6904 · 08/12/2018 22:04

I didn't read you second post op, so you were happy until this OM appeared?

Weenurse · 08/12/2018 22:08

I agree with PP, look at DH and decide if you want to grow old with him.
OM is just a fantasy, if you knew him outside work, you may not even like him.

Original poster
ApplesAndPearsStairs · 08/12/2018 22:34

Hopoindown31 we're in relationship counselling. I don't want to have sex with him anymore but there are longstanding sex problems too.

OP posts:
Original poster
ApplesAndPearsStairs · 08/12/2018 22:35

Hopoindown31 I have read a lot about limerence. This doesn't feel remotely like that. I want OM to be happy. I'm not obsessed with him. I care deeply about him and don't want him to f#%k up his life by getting involved with me.

OP posts:
Original poster
ApplesAndPearsStairs · 08/12/2018 22:36

minipie I would feel relieved. Because then I could extricate myself without shouldering all the blame/responsibility.

OP posts:
Original poster
ApplesAndPearsStairs · 08/12/2018 22:38

What does it matter if I feel like OM is my soulmate BackInTheRoom. I don't want to ruin his life. It wasn't the right time for us.

OP posts:
Original poster
ApplesAndPearsStairs · 08/12/2018 22:39

Dasher1, I definitely never felt this way about DH. This is completely different.

OP posts:
Sethis · 08/12/2018 22:39

So you don't want to be involved with OM.

Yet you want to leave your DH because of it.

So leave your DH and... look for someone else who isn't OM? Is that what you're asking?

letsdolunch321 · 08/12/2018 22:39

If you left you dh and upset your family - are you sure the om would leave his family?

He is probably loving the attention which is boosting his ego.

Original poster
ApplesAndPearsStairs · 08/12/2018 22:40

Sausage101 I wouldn't be leaving for OM. He's not available and isn't an option.

OP posts:
Original poster
ApplesAndPearsStairs · 08/12/2018 22:41

Thanks MMmomDD. I will give it more time. I can't imagine looking over at an elderly DH and feeling love.

OP posts:
Orange6904 · 08/12/2018 22:42

But you say you were happy until this OM appeared?

Original poster
ApplesAndPearsStairs · 08/12/2018 22:43

Sausage101 he hasn't flirted at all. He's not the flirty type. He's just been himself and I have just tried to be myself and I think we have found each other very attractive. Physically, emotionally, mentally.

OP posts: