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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I need some perspective

126 replies

ApplesAndPearsStairs · 08/12/2018 20:24

I would really appreciate your help and views on my situation to give me some perspective.
I have been married for 7 years, with my DH for 7 years before marriage. We have 2 young boys.
The relationship has had its ups and downs. Our sex life is poor, we have massively drifted apart but we still like each other.
About a year ago I met someone at work, also married with children. Nothing has happened between us but there is very obviously a strong mutual attraction there. We have spent many hours talking and are extremely close.
I am considering splitting up with DH because of how I feel about OM. But would it be stupid to put a rocket under my whole life in the hope that one day I would have these feelings for someone else who is available? I'm confused.
Just to clarify: I haven't done anything with OM, I haven't told him how I feel, I don't intend to tell him how I feel.

OP posts:
Original poster
ApplesAndPearsStairs · 09/12/2018 17:21

Yes, another20, that's my concern with the counselling.

OP posts:
Original poster
ApplesAndPearsStairs · 09/12/2018 17:23

JennyHolzersGhost, honestly, if it was stay with DH or be single for the rest of my life I might choose DH. I'm very happy with my own company but I would like some companionship.

OP posts:
MMmomDD · 09/12/2018 17:31

OP - it’s one thing to say - i’d stay with H for companionship, and not to be alone....
But are you prepared to have sex with him - as a payment for this companionship?
You sounded like you weren’t attracted to him anymore.
Does HE want to stay with you as a companion-only?

JennyHolzersGhost · 09/12/2018 17:38

Well there you go then. You don’t have a DH problem (fundamentally - I’m not saying things are perfect but your marriage isn’t what’s gone wrong). You have an OM problem. Sorry that’s probably not what you want to hear.

Original poster
ApplesAndPearsStairs · 09/12/2018 17:47

MMmomDD I don't think I could have sex with him again. It's been 4 months and the last time it happened I felt like I had betrayed OM. Which I know is completely ridiculous.

OP posts:
Original poster
ApplesAndPearsStairs · 09/12/2018 17:48

JennyHolzersGhost, I think you're right, I have an OM problem. He has shaken me to the core.

OP posts:
JennyHolzersGhost · 09/12/2018 17:49

So distance yourself from him, go to individual counselling, focus on your marriage.

Thatsalovelycuppatea · 09/12/2018 18:08

I'm just interested that's all. I bet he has told you that his marriage is rubbish and they have nothing in common anymore etc etc.
I think you are treading on dangerous ground and you need to start making effort with female colleagues and not just him.
Sometimes men and women can be friends but in this case I think you need to start focusing on other things and perhaps your work???

Original poster
ApplesAndPearsStairs · 09/12/2018 18:12

Thatsalovelycuppatea he hasn't said that. He's never criticised his wife. I get the impression that he respects her and cares about her feelings a lot. He would never want to hurt her. Remember we haven't done anything. It's a mutual attraction that we're not acting on.

OP posts:
nzeire · 09/12/2018 18:41

2 separate issues. Work on your marriage first, figure out between you and your husband the best way forward, it’s his life, family too. You may just make the call together.

Your head sounds clear about OM. Good that you’re not envisioning life with him, it would be a world of pain. Can you switch jobs, minimise contact for a while? He needs to focus on his family.

I feel for you.

Thatsalovelycuppatea · 09/12/2018 19:48

So why post this thread? Did you post to get sympathy about your feelings? If he doesn't want to hurt his wife. Then I suggest you do the right thing and stay professional. Talk about the weather or work. If he looks at you in the eye look away.

Orange6904 · 09/12/2018 21:54

Some of this doesn't sound healthy really, 'you'd be with him all day and all night'? This sounds like teenage crush.

Orange6904 · 09/12/2018 21:58

He has hurt his wife, he has been having hours of chat with you for a year? He doesn't sound that great.

Original poster
ApplesAndPearsStairs · 09/12/2018 22:00

Sausage101 yes you know, spending lots of time together. Like if we were living together and it was the weekend. I don't think that's an abnormal desire.

OP posts:
Original poster
ApplesAndPearsStairs · 09/12/2018 22:01

Sausage101 I think he has told his wife about a lot of our conversations. Presumably he hasn't told her that he's attracted to me. But he's trying to be a good man. He hasn't done anything wrong.

OP posts:
Hopoindown31 · 09/12/2018 22:40

I don't think I could have sex with him again. It's been 4 months and the last time it happened I felt like I had betrayed OM. Which I know is completely ridiculous.

Then you will squeeze the life out of your marriage regardless of what you do with OM.

If you have a shred of care left for your DH either walk away now or turn towards him and really try. Forcing him to endure a sexless loveless marriage while you fantasise about someone else's husband is cruel and will hurt him deeply to the point that it may affect his ability to have a loving relationship ever again. Do you really hate this man so much to punish him like that?

blueskiespls · 09/12/2018 22:43

Personally think you should do the kind thing to OM's wife and your own Dh and not be friends anymore.
It's inappropriate. Then decide what to do with your marriage without the distraction of OM.

Thatsalovelycuppatea · 09/12/2018 22:46

Everyone has given you time and wise advice. So are you going to take the advice op?

VirtuallyConfused · 09/12/2018 22:51

I am having a virtual affair with a OM. Both married and he has no intention of leaving his wife.

I don't either but it has made me question how i feel living in a very bad sex marriage.

If i left it wouldn't be for the OM, but he's opened my eyes to possibilities

Orange6904 · 09/12/2018 23:04

I don't really get why you posted, you just keep repeating the same thing without addressing anyone's advice.

If he's a good man and loves his wife and kids stay away, talk to DH. Do the right thing before it gets to 6 months down the line and you wishing the universe had a reset button.

Jsku · 09/12/2018 23:05

OP - I am in a similar place, just a bit/a lot ahead....
Years of marriage that was so, so...
Having kids, becoming sahm, changed our relationship and brought out issues I didn’t know existed. The relationship is slowly moving towards its inevitable conclusion.
By the time I met my OM, I already knew i was unhappy. Just didn’t have a timeline or a plan.
OM makes me happy - and in the short term it has helped me gather strength and make up my mind....

When I live - it won’t be for the OM, it’ll be for me. And even if I end up alone - it’s still better. I don’t want to be with my H.
Can’t imaging touching/being touched by him.

I haven’t left just yet - because it is harder with kids. And one always thinks about the right time.

OM is also thinking about his marriage. No joint kids there - so it’s not as dramatic.

I think when we met it was meant to be a bit of distraction from both of ours domestic situations.
But - having a friendly ear to talk to, and spend a bit or time work over the past two years - it made us both look at our respective marriages and wonder if this was it for the rest of our lives.

I don’t have any advice. It’s your life.
Like you I grew up in a divorced family and know it’s not the end of the world. I was a happy kid.

Good luck. I am happy for you that you met someone who makes you feel alive. It’s rare. And life is short.
I feel the same about my OM. And it doesn’t matter if we end up together. I am just happy i’ve had the time I had with him, so far.

MMmomDD · 09/12/2018 23:30

Sausage

OP posted because she is unhappy and this may be helpful to her. May give her something to think about.
There are different people on here and some differing points of views/advice.

What’s the point of posting a link to The Script???
OP hasn’t cheated. She has developed feelings for someone. Hasn’t acted on it. Is struggling with those feelings and what it means for her life.
🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️

Thomlin · 09/12/2018 23:42

Hi Op, thought I'd jump in as I'm just out of a similar situation.

Was with OH for almost 3 years. We both have kids but not together. Met someone at work and it was honestly just like a lightning bolt through my core. We never flirted, I didn't even know if he was attracted to me (and I still don't!), but it did kinda fuck up my relationship in that I kept wondering if this is what it should feel like.

My relationship wasn't bad, I wasn't overly happy or enthusiastic but we were ticking along just fine and I ended it. It wasn't for OM at work, I haven't made any moves on him since and in fact have recently been on a couple of dates with someone. I very rarely think about my exP which I think has cemented in my head that I made the right decision. Even if nothing ever happens with OM (who is single btw!) I will still think it was the right decision because life is just too short to stay when you'd be happier on your own.

Orange6904 · 09/12/2018 23:54

Because it might help to show that it's not that unique and happens a lot.