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Original poster

I need some perspective

126 replies

ApplesAndPearsStairs · 08/12/2018 20:24

I would really appreciate your help and views on my situation to give me some perspective.
I have been married for 7 years, with my DH for 7 years before marriage. We have 2 young boys.
The relationship has had its ups and downs. Our sex life is poor, we have massively drifted apart but we still like each other.
About a year ago I met someone at work, also married with children. Nothing has happened between us but there is very obviously a strong mutual attraction there. We have spent many hours talking and are extremely close.
I am considering splitting up with DH because of how I feel about OM. But would it be stupid to put a rocket under my whole life in the hope that one day I would have these feelings for someone else who is available? I'm confused.
Just to clarify: I haven't done anything with OM, I haven't told him how I feel, I don't intend to tell him how I feel.

OP posts:
Orange6904 · 08/12/2018 22:43

'I can't imagine looking over at elderly DH and feeling love'

leave him then for someone who will if you're that unhappy with him.

Original poster
ApplesAndPearsStairs · 08/12/2018 22:45

Sausage101 the rest of my life is very fulfilled. I love my job, I love my sons, I have great supportive friends and family. I don't have time for hobbies with the boys but they're getting easier as they get older. The gaps in my life that OM is filling are an emotional connection and intimacy, and a sexual desire.

OP posts:
Original poster
ApplesAndPearsStairs · 08/12/2018 22:46

Sausage101 I was ticking along. I wouldn't say happy but content enough.

OP posts:
Orange6904 · 08/12/2018 22:46

How do you know he finds you attractive, maybe he's like that with everyone? Bit confusing this.

Original poster
ApplesAndPearsStairs · 08/12/2018 22:47

Weenurse I do know him outside of work. We have become close friends.

OP posts:
Original poster
ApplesAndPearsStairs · 08/12/2018 22:48

Sethis yes that's exactly my question. Would I be a fool to leave on the hope of ever finding something like this again but with someone who's available?

OP posts:
Original poster
ApplesAndPearsStairs · 08/12/2018 22:50

letsdolunch321 I'm 99% sure OM wouldn't leave his family. It's not in his nature and I wouldn't want him to be untrue to himself. I'm not hoping for that outcome.

OP posts:
Original poster
ApplesAndPearsStairs · 08/12/2018 22:51

But Sausage101 I'm not that unhappy with DH. He's a perfectly decent husband and father.

OP posts:
Original poster
ApplesAndPearsStairs · 08/12/2018 22:52

Sausage101 I know he's attracted to me. We have half admitted it to each other without actually saying it. And I can tell by the way he looks at me.

OP posts:
Orange6904 · 08/12/2018 23:02

Your husband has probably already picked up on something being different if you are thinking so much about someone else and seeing them out of work chatting for hours.

MMmomDD · 08/12/2018 23:12

OP - you are in relationship counselling.... It must be quite tough to be going through that while feeling this disconnected and having lost the physical attraction.
Is it on both sides?
Have you both admitted it to each other in counselling?

That said - there are marriages built around joint goals in life, kids, family - and not physical passion. If both people see marriage as a partnership & co-parenting than it can work....

However - it does sound like you actually need and want to have that primal physical connection with someone. You are just questioning whether or not the other man is the only person in the world you can feel it with.
If you believe in the concept of ‘the One’ - then yes. He is.

I - personally - had three connections of that sort over my life time... and - I am sure - at the time - each felt unique and rhe only one ever possible.

Yet - you obviously won’t know if you meet someone, until you try being on your own.

Orange6904 · 08/12/2018 23:20

Her 'one' has a wife and kids. Confused

Original poster
ApplesAndPearsStairs · 08/12/2018 23:27

Thanks MMmomDD. My DH knows that the physical side of our relationship is in trouble but I haven't actually said to him I don't find him attractive in that way.

I think you're right. I want to feel that physical desire for someone. But actually, more than that, the thing that has knocked me sideways is the mental/emotional connection. That is what I'm scared I'll never experience again. Which is why I'm happy to keep OM as a friend, rather than risk losing him altogether.

OP posts:
Original poster
ApplesAndPearsStairs · 08/12/2018 23:28

You are right Sausage101 and OM would not want to leave them. I know he couldn't live with himself if he did. And I don't want to do that to him.

OP posts:
Orange6904 · 08/12/2018 23:29

So you've been 'connecting' with this om for a year?

When would you say you and DH started drifting apart?

MMmomDD · 08/12/2018 23:30

Sausage

Him having wife and kids doesn’t disqualify him from being considered the One by the OP....
The One that’s not available. At least for now.

But I was making the point that the connection she was feeling may be possible with other people.

(And possibly, was partially to her really craving that sort of connection)

minipie · 08/12/2018 23:32

Honestly OP given you still like your DH and were “ticking along” with him rather than very unhappy, and you have two young boys, my view is you should step away from OM and any thoughts of other potential OMs and focus on your family.

Perhaps unfashionable on MN but I don’t think you should break up your children’s family (which no matter what people say, will hurt them deeply) for the sake of chasing rainbows.

Chocolatebourbons · 08/12/2018 23:33

Wonder if OM's wife knows about/of you? Just a thought.

Bernina · 08/12/2018 23:37

Sounds like you need to leave. Life is too short to stay in a sexless relationship with someone you don't really love.

Original poster
ApplesAndPearsStairs · 08/12/2018 23:39

Sausage101, things haven't been great between me and DH for many years. But yes, this has brought things to a head.

Chocolatebourbons
We have met each other's spouses and children.

OP posts:
Original poster
ApplesAndPearsStairs · 08/12/2018 23:42

Bernina I'm scared that it will play out like so: OM says we can't be friends anymore because of how he/I/his DW feels about our friendship/relationship. DH and I split up. I never meet anyone else and die lonely, ashamed and foolish.

OP posts:
MMmomDD · 08/12/2018 23:48

OP - in reality - these aren’t the only scenarios...
Seems like the sexless part of your marriage is more on your side.
So - let’s say - your risk aversion will prevail and you stay...
Are you going to force yourself to sleep with your H? Because he (most likely) won’t want to be there without some improvements of the physical side of marriage...
And if not - HE might decide to leave....

Alrentalevely - you decide to stay. And you two chug along in this lukewarm marriage - and one day you wake up and you life is over...
And you look back and think.....
Why and what if....

I am sorry. I don’t have answers.

Original poster
ApplesAndPearsStairs · 09/12/2018 00:00

MMmomDD you're right. I don't want to miss out on life. I know I'm being really selfish but I want a chance to be in a happy relationship.

OP posts:
MMmomDD · 09/12/2018 00:07

Look - OP - I think you know the answer - but are afraid of what it means you need to do....
And that’s totally normal. Changes are scary. And life is unpredictable....

And I don’t think you are being selfish. You do only have one life. And I don’t think sacrificing the need to be happy is what parenting is about.
I - for one - would not have liked my mom to give up on happiness so that I could grow up in what society enforces as a happy family unit.

But - at the same time - OP - as it it a big change - I do think making absolutely sure that that’s what you really want and need to be happy - that there isn’t ANYTHING that can be salvaged - is important.
And counselling is a good place for that.
It may help you figure out what and how and when - you need to change.

MiniTheMinx · 09/12/2018 00:07

I think you're being slightly disingenuous or you are not being entirely honest with yourself. Of course you'd love nothing more than to be with this OM. He may feel the same. In fact if he is "your soul mate" it must be written in the stars! Isn't that how it goes with these romantic ideals?

But no, he probably isn't your "soul mate" he just represents to you all that you want and fills the gaps, shining a light on all that is missing from your marriage.

And if this fabulous ideal were to leave his wife and children he'd no longer fulfill the role of your ideal. He might take up half your bed and seem to be filling your gaps......(that sounds wrong) but ultimately if he is such an ideal and such a virtuous specimen and perfection he would be eaten up with guilt. You'd come to be the object relation of his guilt. He'd look at you as a sin, as less than ideal.

If it were me I'd change jobs and cut contact. This man can never be your friend. He represents a wish unfulfilled. This situation will never allow you to realistically see your marriage for what it is, what it was or what it could be. If after having cut this man out you still want to leave, leave. You'll either meet someone or you won't. But it's highly unlikely you'll meet anyone if you stay in contact with this man because you'll also judge any new man negatively against this ideal you see in OM.