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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I need some perspective

126 replies

ApplesAndPearsStairs · 08/12/2018 20:24

I would really appreciate your help and views on my situation to give me some perspective.
I have been married for 7 years, with my DH for 7 years before marriage. We have 2 young boys.
The relationship has had its ups and downs. Our sex life is poor, we have massively drifted apart but we still like each other.
About a year ago I met someone at work, also married with children. Nothing has happened between us but there is very obviously a strong mutual attraction there. We have spent many hours talking and are extremely close.
I am considering splitting up with DH because of how I feel about OM. But would it be stupid to put a rocket under my whole life in the hope that one day I would have these feelings for someone else who is available? I'm confused.
Just to clarify: I haven't done anything with OM, I haven't told him how I feel, I don't intend to tell him how I feel.

OP posts:
MMmomDD · 10/12/2018 00:06

Sausage -
None of our lives are unique. All sorts of similar lives are lived by others as we speak.

Yet - to us - this is the only life we have. And OP has a right to feel the way she feels.
Why be judgemental - on someone you don’t know.
Who hasn’t even done anything?
‘Script’ is irrelevant here. She hasn’t acted, hasn’t cheated.

She is just human, living her life.

Thatsalovelycuppatea · 10/12/2018 08:44

Honestly are people taking the piss on this thread? Why are you being so selfish and shagging married men. Why can't you find some single or desperate guy to have a shag instead of someone who has a family. I tell you what If you were doing it to my dh you would seriously regret it. People don't have any respect for 'wives' anymore. You can laugh at me but reading people's comments, it is clearly obvious a wife's role is not important and I don't know why women can't respect the fact someone is in relationship. Then you want men to respect you what a fucking joke.

Bluntness100 · 10/12/2018 09:06

I tell you what If you were doing it to my dh you would seriously regret it

I think it's you that's taking the piss. This isn't something you do to someone, it takes two and quite frankly your relationship is your husband's responsibility. Not some other woman's.

Jsku · 10/12/2018 09:07

@Thatsalovelycuppatea

What IS the ‘wife’s role’?

And don’t you think it’s up to the married spouse to decide what they respect.

I make this decision for myself, given various factors.
I met my OM when he also decided he wanted and needed some break from his specific situation.
I by then I knew I would eventually leave. Just wasn’t the right time yet.

He thought he just needs to survive his W’s temper and moods - and it’ll get better one day. But he is human and wanted a bit of normality in his life too.

There are no roles. Just people trying to live real lives, not an instructional manual for a marriage.

MMmomDD · 10/12/2018 09:23

‘doing it to my dh you would seriously regret it‘

This makes me imagine you as some scary warden with a stick...
Guarding your H.

Is that the Wife’s role you are talking about? To make sure poor men aren’t led astray by evil women?

Thatsalovelycuppatea · 10/12/2018 09:24

Well I think it's because people can't control their lust. I think the real reason is people are lonely and looking for gaps to fill but going down the wrong path. Sometimes i don't know why people bother getting married it's probably just to show off rather than about commitment these days.

VirtuallyConfused · 10/12/2018 09:42

@Thatsalovelycuppatea

Oh please go off and realise that life isn't simple or straight forward.

We aren't shagging by the way, that's one line we won't cross, because of respect for marriage vows, but we do everything else because sometimes the person you are married to can't, or won't, be what you need.

Did i ever think i would find myself in this position? Of course not, but i don't regret it.

If it was your husband I'd regret it you say? Wow, what exactly would you do, apart from have an honest conversation about why your DH needed another woman in his life?

Orange6904 · 10/12/2018 10:14

I give up on this thread, op asked for advice, but apparently you can only give advice that suits. Okay.

Thatsalovelycuppatea · 10/12/2018 10:16

Exactly my point. We are wasting time and effort with this one ladies.

Itiswhatitisso · 10/12/2018 10:21

There seems to be some assumption that if you marry then that's it - you can never possibly find anyone else that you might be better suited to, or have feelings for.

Anything that does develop is termed 'limerance'. Leaving the relationship is not to be considered.

Husbands are to be guarded against packs of OW who will lead them astray any second.

MMmomDD · 10/12/2018 10:36

Yes - whenever that term ‘Limerence’ is dragged out - I just think - not again....
It’s like having a diagnosis makes things different.
While - what seems to be happening is that someone is missing something in their lives, or their relationship. Then run into someone else who seems to have that missing piece. Develop a crush on that person, or even fall in love.
But - because it’s impossible to admit it all - without being branded a terrible person - they search for a another explanation. And diagnosis takes away their need to look at their lives.

Anyway. I think OP is doing ok.
She is cognisant of what’s happening, and is doing counselling, and is thinking about future.
What else can she do.

sofato5miles · 10/12/2018 11:53

Sausage and Tea, you are being unfair. The others are listening and trying to help OP. You two are coming from more of a hard line attitude that isn't advice but an agenda.

Orange6904 · 10/12/2018 12:02

Why is it an agenda to give help about how to back of?? Op is asking for advice on her situation, our advice was to try and talk to her DH without this OM in the situation. It's a public forum, there will be many different pieces of advice.

Orange6904 · 10/12/2018 12:04

There isn't always a 'missing piece', some people just don't understand that you can have crushes and feelings whilst in a ltr. It might not be that in this case but we are just advising it is something to think about.

Hopoindown31 · 10/12/2018 12:46

There seems to be some assumption that if you marry then that's it - you can never possibly find anyone else that you might be better suited to, or have feelings for.

Yes, it's almost as if people expect you to stick to your promises when you are married. It isn't about feelings it is about actions. If you can't stay faithful don't stay married, it is not compulsory to get married or stay married.

The OP is simply being told that her relationship is in bad shape and that she is devoting time and energy elsewhere so she either needs to redirect that time and energy in or accept that her marriage is dead. Stringing along a husband is just a recipe for disaster.

Thatsalovelycuppatea · 10/12/2018 13:15

I don't see why my comments are unfair. I am simply advising op to find something else to keep her occupied. As another poster said, yes people have crushes some act on it. Some don't. I wouldn't. So we all have different perspectives and I'm just encouraging you, op to do the right thing for your dh. How would you feel if it was other way round? Have you done anything to help your relationship? Like counselling?

MMmomDD · 10/12/2018 13:52

Thatsalovelycuppatea

If you read the thread you’d discover that yes, OP is doing counselling.
🤷🏻‍♀️

minipie · 10/12/2018 13:53

There seems to be some assumption that if you marry then that's it - you can never possibly find anyone else that you might be better suited to, or have feelings for.

It’s not really an assumption, it’s based on that bit that says “till death do us part”... Unless the OP had some special vows which said “till I realise I might have more of a spark with someone else”...

Jsku · 10/12/2018 14:15

@minipie

Marriage isn’t servitude. And we aren’t swans....

Modern concept of marriage is based on an idea of romantic love. Hence - happiness in a marriage is often dependent on the love being there. Plus a whole host of factors like mutual respect, common interests and goals, etc.

Surely you aren’t advocating staying till death in a marriage lacking the above.

minipie · 10/12/2018 14:48

@Jsku Then why do we still say those words then? Why get married at all? What’s marriage for, if not to show a degree of permanence more than just “till someone better comes along” or “till I no longer feel like it”?

No, I don’t think people should stay together if they are really unhappy. And obviously not in the case of any mistreatment. But I don’t think “there might be a better person out there for me” or even “I’ve met someone who’s a better fit” is a good enough reason when you’re married. Otherwise what is the point of marriage?

Jsku · 10/12/2018 15:13

@minipie

Well - it normally doesn’t work quite that way.
First off - I didn’t get married in a church, so I didn’t say those worlds.

And, back then - obviously - I didn’t anticipate things not working years down the line.
But relationship doesn’t stop developing after marriage. People don’t stop changing.

In m case - we probably both changed. We went from both working to me benign sahm. He started expecting me to be some other version of me - more like his mother, I think.
Also with kids - one doesn’t know what sort of parents they turn out to be till kids actually arrive. And hwre again - we didn’t work.

So - some people get married, and as life progresses they still fit. And feelings are still there.
While other people - don’t. And become unhappy.
And then - yes - sometimes meet others who could be a better fit...

Me and my OM - we are possibly a better fit at this point of our lives. If we end up together, that is.

But irrespective of that - I know I can’t imagine growing old with my H. Too much resentment accumulated.
I just haven’t yet done anything to make the change.
I am human and it’s a big change. And I keep waiting for the kids to be a bit older.
So 🤷🏻‍♀️

Thatsalovelycuppatea · 10/12/2018 15:19

@MMmomDD my apologies.

Orange6904 · 10/12/2018 16:12

I don't think anybody is saying stay in a loveless marriage. But the right thing to do is take the om out of the picture and see whether it is a trough and can be worked on. It would be sad for op to leave for he idea of another man when things could have been worked on. Her husband deserves truth and happiness too.

minipie · 10/12/2018 16:18

I do see that Jsku and I see it can leave people feeling stuck. What you describe is probably not unusual and could happen to many (including me) with no fault on either side. Perhaps it’s time to abandon marriage? Something doesn’t sit right with promising to be together forever (even in a civil services there are words to that effect, I think?) when so many actually will not stay together once the relationship doesn’t live up to its original dream.

MMmomDD · 10/12/2018 16:33

minipie

Well, I, for one, am happy that divorces were allowed back in the ... century.

Marriage was never meant to be based on romantic ideals.
Originally it was a way to go ensure reproductive rights and a way to own/control women.
As it moved from an reproductive/economic union - it became something else.
And it is possible - that a union based on romantic love can’t be counted on to last a lifetime.

So - yes. I am happy that people can decide to be together and come apart.