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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I need some perspective

126 replies

ApplesAndPearsStairs · 08/12/2018 20:24

I would really appreciate your help and views on my situation to give me some perspective.
I have been married for 7 years, with my DH for 7 years before marriage. We have 2 young boys.
The relationship has had its ups and downs. Our sex life is poor, we have massively drifted apart but we still like each other.
About a year ago I met someone at work, also married with children. Nothing has happened between us but there is very obviously a strong mutual attraction there. We have spent many hours talking and are extremely close.
I am considering splitting up with DH because of how I feel about OM. But would it be stupid to put a rocket under my whole life in the hope that one day I would have these feelings for someone else who is available? I'm confused.
Just to clarify: I haven't done anything with OM, I haven't told him how I feel, I don't intend to tell him how I feel.

OP posts:
Sethis · 09/12/2018 00:51

There's a lyric in a song;

"I'd rather be working for a paycheque than hoping to win the lottery"

Meaning a similar scenario. Many people think that it's better to take the security and ease over the random chance of meeting someone super special.

At the moment, it seems like your mind is screaming "Get out, get out" and so you're looking out the window, daydreaming about all the infinite possibilities. This is fair enough, but isn't particularly constructive. Have you done everything you can to improve your marriage? Are you fully engaged and focused on that? Have you given things a fair trial, with good faith on your part to make things better? Or have you been saying "yeah, there's problems, and we should fix them, but...." and then continuing to moon over this OM? If you haven't fully committed to tackling the problem, then this whole thing is really just an avoidance tactic because you don't think anything is going to fix your relationship.

If that's really your stance, then it's in your best interest to get out, but here's the big question:

Would you be more happy to spend the rest of your life single, than to spend it with your DH?

Because statistically, the odds are pretty good that you're not going to find Prince Charming if you go. If you do go, the odds are reasonable that you're going to find someone equal to, or slightly better than, your current DH, however there is also a significant chance you won't find anyone at all. Is that more or less attractive than spending the rest of your life with DH?

Weenurse · 09/12/2018 02:24

Decisions to be made, good luck

ImNotKitten · 09/12/2018 02:50

MMmomDD speaks a lot of sense.

You don’t sound happy in your relationship and I think this other man has shone a light on that, rather than caused it in the first place?

Your DC will sense that you aren’t happy too. Staying together at all costs certainly isn’t always in their best interests.

BackInTheRoom · 09/12/2018 08:37

A few years with the OM and you'd probably be posting here about the same intimacy issues. A new exciting relationship cannot compete with an old, established one. They're like night and day.

LizzieSiddal · 09/12/2018 08:50

I'm scared that it will play out like so: OM says we can't be friends anymore because of how he/I/his DW feels about our friendship/relationship. DH and I split up. I never meet anyone else and die lonely, ashamed and foolish.
You are being incredibly selfish. You’re basically hanging in to your H because you’re worried you won’t find anyone else. You also have an inappropriate relationship with OM. How would his wife feel if she knew how you both felt about each other? How would your H feel?

Please step back. Stop spending time with OM, focus on trying to repair your marriage and be honest with yourself. If you don’t love your H, leave him and let him find someone who does live him.

Thatsalovelycuppatea · 09/12/2018 10:07

How many children has om got? And what makes you think the attraction is mutual has he actually told you?

Notcoolmum · 09/12/2018 10:15

Would you be happier on your own than without your DH? I’ve bewn single for 12 years now and I much prefer it to being in my marriage. I am dating but don’t hold out much hope of finding the sort of connection you are looking for. But people do, of course.

minipie · 09/12/2018 15:03

I’m scared that it will play out like so: OM says we can't be friends anymore because of how he/I/his DW feels about our friendship/relationship. DH and I split up. I never meet anyone else and die lonely, ashamed and foolish.

What about the effect on your kids? It seems like the impact on them hasn’t even registered as a concern - it’s all about you.

Original poster
ApplesAndPearsStairs · 09/12/2018 15:42

Thanks ImNotKitten. I think you're right. I wasn't happy before I met OM but this has brought it all into sharp focus.

OP posts:
Original poster
ApplesAndPearsStairs · 09/12/2018 15:43

BackInTheRoom I truly don't think I would. Don't you believe that people can maintain intimacy if they both want to? Surely there would be a lot more divorces otherwise.

OP posts:
Original poster
ApplesAndPearsStairs · 09/12/2018 15:44

LizzieSiddal you're probably right. But OM and I haven't actually done anything other than secretly admire each other.

OP posts:
Original poster
ApplesAndPearsStairs · 09/12/2018 15:46

He has 2 children Thatsalovelycuppatea, why do you ask?
He has told me but in a subtle, round about way. I wasn't 100% sure of how he felt until a few weeks ago when we had a conversation about it and it was pretty obvious.

OP posts:
Original poster
ApplesAndPearsStairs · 09/12/2018 15:48

Notcoolmum I'm not sure. In the current atmosphere, yes I'd be happier alone.

OP posts:
Original poster
ApplesAndPearsStairs · 09/12/2018 15:49

minipie I have thought about them a lot. I'm a child of divorced parents and I had a very happy childhood and didn't feel affected by the divorce. So I suppose I don't see it as a disaster for them.

OP posts:
TwistedStitch · 09/12/2018 15:49

Have you posted about him before? Is this the man who is leaving your workplace soon?

Original poster
ApplesAndPearsStairs · 09/12/2018 15:56

TwistedStitch no I haven't posted about this before.

OP posts:
Cosmicunicorn321 · 09/12/2018 16:01

I am in your exact situation right now. Things progressed with the om and I wanted to, I will admit. I do not feel good about it at all. Immense guilt plus the fact I don't mean as much to him as he does to me and I feel second fiddle and a bit used.

Is the om married, does he have kids? Would this man jump through hoops for you like your husband would?
That connection you feel is lust and attraction. I'm there too. It's harder to resist when you know it's mutual. It's soul destroying to think this man could be your soul mate and your husband doesn't give you butterflies anymore. The sex is shit and you know you would have mind blowing sex with the om.....but it's not sunshine and rainbows. It's heartache, it's divorce, it's throwing away everything for a man you don't really know. It's hurting you and your kids, the om kids if he has any.
Does this man want the same things as you? You don't know him well enough to say. You can't date him.
My advice to you would be to tell your husband how you feel. Try and work through this and make your marriage work. You owe it to yourself and your family to tr everything. This om won't be able to give you everything you want in life other than sex and a bit of passion that will eventually fade.
My heart is broken because I love two people and I can only be with one. I told my husband about the om and I've been honest. We are working through it. The om is not this picture perfect symbol you think he is. Lust and attraction are very powerful and dangerous feelings and they bring excitement and make you think the grass is greener.
I'm a good person but what it's done to me is break my morals. Made me feel cheap. A liar. Made me question things in my life that were fine before he came along. I wasn't this person.
Please, don't go there.

Cosmicunicorn321 · 09/12/2018 16:08

Also, the likelihood is that he will never leave his wife and kids. I bet he has it good at home.
His head is turned by you and it's all lust and sex in his head but when shit gets serious he will drop you like a hot potato.

They rarely leave their wives and even if they do they usually go back.
You could very well end up on your own. No husband and no man. Struggling financially. Shared custody. Shittier house.
It would be a mess.
I've been the foolish one. I went through with it. I've lost myself in all this.

Bluntness100 · 09/12/2018 16:16

Op are you secretly hoping to make yourself available to this man? I do think you're considering leaving because of him and thinking it's worth the risk.

Because your posts are contradictory, you say it's a once in a life time thing, blah blah blah, but if it was then you'd not think you can find something similar.

I suspect your heading towards an affair,

sofato5miles · 09/12/2018 16:30

OP, if I were you I would leave. You only have one life. Your relationship with your husband sounds sad.

You may/ may not meet someone and have the same connection but you also won't be looking at DH and feel like you have settled out of fear.

Original poster
ApplesAndPearsStairs · 09/12/2018 16:30

Cosmicunicorn321 thanks so much for sharing your story. I can see how things could easily go down that path.

OP posts:
Original poster
ApplesAndPearsStairs · 09/12/2018 16:33

Bluntness100 I wish I had met OM when we were both single. I think we'd have been great together. But, as it is, we're both attached. He would never leave his wife and children. And, if he did, he'd be torn apart by guilt. I do want to be with him. I would be with him all day and all night if I could but that's just never going to happen. My question is, should I break up with DH anyway and hope to find something like this again? It seems unlikely.

OP posts:
another20 · 09/12/2018 16:36

You should look to do counselling alone to work through this issue. The joint counselling is really unhelpful for you both as it is not honest as you cant discuss OM.

JennyHolzersGhost · 09/12/2018 17:04

  1. counselling is a useful space to think this stuff out. Solo counselling, I mean.

  2. you need to put the OM down and step away. PARTICULARLY because you are in the process of making an absolutely vital decision about the course of the rear of your life. Tell him you can’t be friends anymore, stop contacting him and reach an appropriate professional distance.

  3. your baseline scenario needs to be being single. If you broke up with DH and were single for the rest of your life, would you regret breaking up ? Anything else will be a bonus but you have to operate on the basis of going solo. Having a good amount of time on your own before starting any new relationship is the best idea anyway if you do break up.

JennyHolzersGhost · 09/12/2018 17:05

The rest of your life ! Rest ! Goddamn autocorrect !